A-N Sorry my lovelies! Life has got the better of me lately and I haven't had time to delve into the beautiful and angst filled world of Delena. Accept my apologies and enjoy :) I'll try not to go so long between chapters.
-littledove
Chapter Fourteen- 3 O'Clock Somewhere
I didn't sleep much that night, I had too many thoughts racing through my head and I felt almost powerless to find the answers to any of the questions longing in my conscience. Was I overreacting with Caroline who was obviously trying to help me? Where did I stand with Damon? When would it be safe for me to mend my friendship with Bonnie. But the most worrying, was I always going to be this uncomfortable in my own skin? My wind swirled like an endless vortex until I could see the early morning sunlight creeping in through the thin curtains hung over the window in the guest room I had been occupying for many months now. As much as I had appreciated Stefan allowing Caroline and I to live with him during my transition and hers, it still didn't feel like home, although if I was completely honest with myself, nowhere had felt like home since my parents had died. As a human, I had always been so certain in who I was and what was important to me, but as a vampire, I was struggling to comprehend even the simplest of my emotions. It felt like a rollercoaster that I had never ridden before. Some days I felt completely confident and in control of myself and my abilities, but other days, I felt like a time bomb ready to explode. Frustration could quickly turn into rage; hurt could spiral into grief in an instant and rejection could manifest itself into hatred. It was as exhausting as it was scary and although since that night in the woods I had confronted a lot of the emotions I had been running from, my penchant to fly off the handle in destructive anger was a part of myself that terrified me.
I was growing dreadfully weary of my overly analytical mind and longed to be able to just shut it all out and be for a little while. Alas, I knew that was wishful thinking considering the cluster of madness my life was. Witches and vampires and diabolically evil ex-girlfriends meant that trouble and worry were two things I would inevitably have to deal with on a daily basis, the thought of which had me feeling drained. I needed to switch off and get lost in something for a little while, and although I immediately considered heading into the office and diving into the stack of emails in my inbox; I decided a more serene and therapeutic approach would be healthier. I overindulged in my morning blood bag, greedily going back for a second which was out of character for me but I reduced it down to being a little stressed. I wasn't a natural glutton, but something about this morning had me craving more A positive than ordinary. After my life force was successfully in my tummy, I let my feet take me lazily to the bookshelf that surrounded the walls of the parlour. It had been one of the first things that had caught my eye the first time I was in the room. A bookshelf and reading selection like that was akin to porn for a bookworm like myself, and although I had been dying to begin my attack on the shelves ever since I moved into the Manor, I hadn't read any of the books yet. Today was going to be the day that changed. After perusing the endless erray of fiction, non fiction, bibles and encyclopaedias, I settled on a classic children's novel: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe. Considering I was in dire need of escaping the world of fantasy and the supernatural it probably wasn't the best choice, but it was a story my mother used to read to me over and over again when I was younger so it had some deeply rooted form of comfort in my heart. After my days reading material was in my hand, I made myself a cup of peppermint tea and headed out the back into the garden.
I didn't often come out here, and as I sat down on the swing hanging from the large oak tree, I cursed myself for not enjoying it more often. It was a stunning day; the sun rays felt incredible on my skin and the low buzzing of the bumble bees pollinating the many flowers was therapeutic. I cracked open the novel and watched the tiny particles of dust dance through the morning air like tiny snow flakes and for a moment, I was happy at the increased eyesight that accompanied being a vampire. My eyes dropped down to chapter 1 and began reading:
Once there were four children whose names were Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy. This story is about something that happened to them when they were sent away from London during the war because of the air-raids...
I could almost recite this entire book, my mother had read it to me so many times. I can still remember the first evening she sat in the blue armchair beside my bed and catapulted me into the wondrous world of Narnia. The adventure and excitement had amazed me as a child, and I longed to experience the kind of perilous and courageous journey as our four heroes in the book did. As an adult however, faced with situations of danger that required bravery, I wanted nothing more than to be that ordinary child safe in her bed under the watchful eye of her loving mother. I could hear distant footsteps up in the house and gathered that one of my...house mates I guess was the appropriate word...was awake. I ignored the sound, becoming desperately lost in the words and the magical world written on the pages. I jumped slightly when the book flew out of my hands and over my head and it was only after it was torn away that I noticed Damon behind me. He moved from behind the swing and walked around to where I was sitting, falling heavily on the swing of solitude I had been enjoying all to myself.
"Hey!" I shrieked at him, curious as to why he was awake and bothering me at such an early hour.
His head was fixed solidly to the page in the book he had opened at random and he read out loud: " At last they heard Aslan's voice 'You can can all come back' he said 'I have settled the matter. She has renounced the claim on your brother's blood'." I scrunched my face up at the sound of his patronising tone "You're reading the Lion the Witch and The Wardrobe? Really?"
"Careful Damon. Remember what happened last time you snatched a book out of my hands and criticised my reading choice?" I warned. A sly smile crept across his face at the memory.
"Who said I was criticising? I'm just surprised. C.S Lewis happens to be a personal favourite of mine" He grinned cheekily handing the book back in my direction. I took it from him greedily and placed it safely back in my hands.
"I wouldn't have picked that" I said truthfully. "You don't exactly seem like the kind to enjoy Children's Fantasy novels"
"He didn't just write the Narnia series you know. He was a poet, an essayist, a Christian apologist..."
"Okay...I get it...you're very wise and cultured.." I told rolling my eyes "You are suspiciously chipper this morning..."
"Why does that sound like an accusation?" He smiled
"Because it's you. And whenever you're joyful about something it worries me.."
"Are you insinuating I am up to no good?"
"I'm insinuating that I know you a little too well to think otherwise" He laughed at my retort and slapped my knee gently, causing a shot of goosebumps to move up my thigh.
"Why shouldn't I be in a good mood? The sun is shining, i've gone more than 24 hours without my evil bitch ex girlfriend trying to kill me and I haven't pissed you off nearly as much as usual..."
"Well it's still early" I smiled at him. I returned my eyes to my book and began reading again lightly before feeling his eyes still on me
"So what are you going to do on this glorious day Elena Gilbert?"
"I'm doing it.." I responded, lifting up my book in demonstration
"A magnificent day and you're going to spend it with your nose in a book?"
"I've spent most of my life with my nose in a book"
"Yeah when you were a boring human. You're a vampire now...the world is your oyster...and you're wasting it just sitting here"
"There's nothing wrong with enjoying a good book for a day"
"There's nothing exciting about it either!" His voice sounded strange "Come on...let's go somewhere" I exhaled the breath I found myself holding and placed my book on my legs so I could turn and look at him
"And where would we go?"
"London...Rome...Paris...hell Florida even. Let's get in the car and just drive!"
"Damon, need I remind you of the last three roadtrips we have taken? They have all ended in one of us nearly being killed. Forgive me if the idea of number four doesn't sound too appealing"
"Alright no road trip then...we'll keep it local. What do you say to copious amounts of tequila shots at the grill?"
"Day drinking? You want me to go day drinking with you at the grill?" I asked raising an eyebrow
"Why not...it's 3 o'clock somewhere right? Besides, what do you have to lose?"
"Oh I don't know. What little dignity I have left" I laughed before crumbling at the sight of his ice blue eyes "Oh what the hell. Fine...but you're paying!"
"Excellent"
x x
Ten minutes later Damon and I walked into the Grill and sat ourselves down in a booth towards the back. I was happy to see it was fairly empty so the chances of running into anyone I knew were slim at this stage. The last thing I wanted was for a lower tier employee to see the CEO of their workplace completely bombed at the bar in the middle of the day, but something about today made me feel like I needed to blow off a little steam. The waitress walked over and Damon asked her for two scotches and four tequila shots, responding with nothing but a whimsical smile when my eyes bulged at his request. He certainly was in the mood to get completely hammered by the look of it. We sat in comfortable silence until our drinks arrived and after licking the salt he had poured on the side of my hand I downed the two shots sitting in front of me and eagerly sucked on the lemon in the centre of the table.
"God" I whelped sticking out my tongue in distaste at the bitterness coursing around my gums "I feel like I'm back in college"
"Whatever Gilbert. You don't really strike me as the keg party and tequila shots kind of girl"
"I'll have you know I wasn't always this boring and uptight" I told him with warning eyes "I used to be...fun"
"Starting bar brawls in Georgia kind of fun?" He teased, bringing up the night back at Bree's bar when I had gotten grotesquely drunk
"I just had a little less on my shoulders you know. The only thing I had to worry about were my grades"
"And now?" He asked curiously
"Uh Uh...you don't get that kind of information unless I've had a lot more of those" I told pointing to the shot glasses. He smiled at me as if it were a challenge and motioned for the waitress for more. I should have known not to encourage him
"So why not go back to that then? I mean...it's not like you have the same responsibilities as you did when you first came back to town"
"What do you mean?"
"Jeremy's gone and he's due to start college in the fall, you don't have the house to worry about anymore and it's not like money is an issue thanks to your...compelling nature"
"So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying...what are you still doing here? Go back to school, finish your degree off, travel the word...there's more to life than working for my father's company in this dead end town"
"You work for your fathers company in this dead end town"
"Because I have a responsibility to it. You don't. There's nothing holding you here any more"
"Oh yeah there's nothing holding me here" I said sarcastically. Was he stupid?
"Enlighten me then"
"Again, another subject neither of us have had enough drinks to discuss" I told firmly.
"So what subjects are safe for us to discuss?" He asked with a smile
"Hmm I don't know...religion, politics..." He laughed deeply again before bringing his drink up to his lips. Well, this little expedition was going to be interesting.
An hour and a lot more drinks later, my mind was feeling a little more at ease and my tongue a little looser. Damon and I had easily fallen into comfortable conversation and for the first time since he had gotten back into Mystic Falls...I found myself having fun with him, and hell, fun in general. It was strange, my relationship and my feelings toward him had been such a roller coaster, especially lately, and it was a little unnerving to be sitting, drinking and talking like the events of the past few months had never happened. Just a few days ago I had been furious with him, just a few weeks ago I wanted to kill him, and now? I was doing shots with him. Nothing in my life was easy or explainable, but instead of worrying about it and de-constructing every little thing like I so often did, I decided for once to just shut up and enjoy the ride.
"So how is little Gilbert? Have you heard from him lately?" Damon asked as we threw back our fifteenth tequila shot. I winched again at the taste but the more I drank the better they seemed to be
"Yeah a few days ago. He's hard to get ahold of these days he's pretty busy with extra curricular. He got early admission into Colorado Tech for the fall which is great"
"Colorado Tech? Next time we compel him remind me to give him better taste"
"There will be no next time. And that's a good school. I'm proud of him"
"Stanford is a good school. Yale is a good school. Brown is a..."
"Alright Mr Fancy Ivy League I get it" I said rolling my eyes "Listen he's a smart kid with a bright future, he'll do great at whatever school he goes to"
"All you need to do is make a trip out to Rhode Island. Get a meeting with the admissions dean and use your compelling personality to secure him a spot. Hell we can go right now"
"Damon I'm not going to use that for an unfair advantage. You need to earn the things that you get in life"
"Oh Elena. So young, so naive. I give you a few more months before that shitty car of yours breaks down and you compel Ernie at the BMW dealership for a 5 series"
"I will not!" I defended with a slightly drunken smile "If I want a 5 series I'll just have to work hard and save the money up to buy it just like everyone else"
"But you aren't every one else. You're special. And now that you're a...you know what...you're even special-er" I furrowed my brow at him with the smile still firmly grasped to either side of my mouth
"Was that? Dare I say? I compliment? From Damon Salvatore himself? What did I do to deserve such a greatly esteemed honour!"
"You went about an hour without gravely insulting me but you're back to square one now" He smirked. I took a sip of my scotch and noticed out the nearby window that Stefan and Caroline were walking hand in hand along the street. I felt myself flinch a little bit, the reminiscence of our fight still lingering in my brain and I shuddered when I noticed Damon was watching me.
"Still fighting with Blondie?" He observed
"What makes you think I'm fighting with Caroline?" I responded
"Oh I don't know, maybe because I have two eyes" He chuckled "You haven't been in the same room with each other all week and you've had that post-fight look plastered all over your face since we got back from Alabama"
"I don't have a post-fight look" I defended before softening in defeat "Fine maybe I do...it's nothing, I sort of, chewed her out the other day when we had lunch together"
"You stood up to Caroline Forbes? You've got bigger balls than I do Gilbert. That girl terrifies me"
"For good reason. She's not someone you want to go to war with, take it from experience"
"So what were you fighting about?"
"You...what else?"
"Ahh...I should have guessed" He said, making a strange little sound with his wet lips "Not my biggest fan of late I'm gathering"
"She thinks she's looking out for me but I think she over stepped her mark"
"She always does Elena. But that's what makes her such a good friend. She is constantly worrying about your wellbeing, and sometimes she can be a little bit pushy when she has an opinion about it but it's coming from a good place"
"I know it is and I've been meaning to apologise to her. I just, feel as if I'm always having to defend myself to her lately, and I'm tired of it"
"Defending yourself or defending me?" His question caught me off guard a little
"Both" I offered honestly "She didn't necessarily have as much faith in you as I did"
"Well I can't say that I blame her there" He shrugged. There had been a question that had been on my mind continuously the past few days, and I felt like I had just enough liquid courage in my stomach to ask him. I inhaled, trying to regain my nerve before resting my hands in my lap.
"Damon, do you remember it all? Everything that happened when your switch was off?" He hesitated for a moment, contemplating what he was going to say before leaning back in the booth and placing his hands behind his head
"Unfortunately, yeah. It's not like a dream or a black out. It's still you, it's just, the worst parts of you" He reached over for his scotch glass and took an eager sip before continuing "Unless you've experienced it it's not something that can be easily explained. You cannot simplify it as an evil alter ego who's rampaging around and ruining your life. That person, it was me. I have the memories the same as any other memories, they're just, one's I'm not particularly proud of. I know it may be hard for you to understand.."
"I felt like you were this whole other person" I confessed. I hadn't intended on doing this in the grill, on having this particular conversation in a public bar, but it just came out of me like word vomit
"I know. I behaved...recklessly, disgustingly.."
"It's just difficult for me to think about the person you've been the past few weeks and the person you are right now, sitting in front of me, as the same"
"I am. It's just the person sitting in front of you right now isn't blocking out his conscience or emotions. That is the difference"
"I'm going to tell you something, and if you ever bring it up again I'll punch you in the face" I warned "As horrible as you were, as appallingly as you behaved...now that I'm...what I am...I can see the appeal of it...of turning it off"
"It gets easier Elena. I promise you. Everything becomes easier to control...less overwhelming"
"You did it. Twice" I reminded him. I didn't mean it to sound so accusing but I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't appreciate my tone
"Yes I did. The first, being in my initial transition as a form of rejecting my nature. And the second, well, I thought I had lost you. You were the one thing tying me to my humanity and you were gone. The grief I felt in the moment, it was...it was the most infinitely powerful emotion I have ever experienced in my life...one I would not care to feel ever again. So I made a choice, a bad one, but the only one I felt could help me survive that moment. Imagine it Elena: think of how easily you can turn from being sad to being in despair. Think of the magnification that comes with your nature. Now imagine that while holding someone you love more than anything dead in your arms. In that moment I had to, or I honestly think I would have been ripped apart" I could feel my eyes begin to water but I promised myself I would not cry. I had understood it before, but hearing him explain it now, explain how his grief had spiralled into torment, it broke my heart as well as terrifying me to my core. I knew that if I had to experience it, if I had to watch him, or Caroline or Jeremy die, I would have made the exact same choice. The difference being, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to come back.
"I'm sorry that's a choice you had to make" I offered sombrely. "If the roles were reversed I'm sure I would have done the same thing"
"I'm not so sure. You are driven by your emotions and your humanity, without it, well, you wouldn't be much use to anyone"
"What did you do? After it happened? Where did you go for all those months?"
"I tossed my phone, got in my car and took off. I headed down to the keys for a few weeks and partied with some old college buddies of mine. Drank my way around the gulf, across Louisiana, Texas and eventually made my way out to L.A. That's when Stefan's guys started gaining in on me. I was out of control and not covering my dining habits very well by then. I couldn't stay in one spot for too long...Stef knows what my patterns are like when my switch is off and it never took him and his goons too long to find me. I eventually started venturing out of the states: Mexico, Columbia, Panama, Belize...places where it's easier for people to disappear without authorities causing too much of a fuss. He always seemed to find me though the sneaky little bastard..."
"Dining habits? So you were...you were...feeding...on people?" I whispered the last sentence as low as I could and even though we were in a noisy bar, you could never be too careful whose ears were on you in this town.
"Yes, I fed directly from people. Some I compelled and let live, some I killed, some enjoyed it and didn't have to be persuaded or disposed of"
"How many people...did you...kill?" I shouldn't be asking him, I didn't want to know the answer. But a part of me just kept pushing. He shrugged lazily.
"I have no idea. 50...100 maybe. I didn't count" He admitted with a sad look on his face "I won't lie to you Elena...even though what I tell you might make you look at me differently...I won't sugar coat it"
"I don't want you to"
"It's important for you to know that side of it. That side of who we are. It's why holding onto your humanity is so vital. Without it, we are merely predators consumed by hedonism"
"That's why it's so hard to flip the switch back? The guilt?"
"The guilt and the shame. The shame of knowing that you took someone's life without the blink of an eye. That they could have been someone's sister or brother or girlfriend or father. And you destroyed it, all for your own selfish desires." He bowed his head low to the table "It's not something that I want you to experience. But, unfortunately, because of our nature, it is inevitable"
"That I will kill someone?" I questioned lightly
"We are going to be around for a very long time. It would be naive of me to promise you that you won't. Especially considering they give us the very thing that keeps us alive" He shook his head suddenly and plastered a faux smile on his face "Sorry that took a...well...a dark turn...I didn't intent to frighten you"
"You didn't...you've just...given me a lot to think about" I told firmly "I appreciate your honesty. As supportive and helpful as Stefan has been...he neglects to tell me this type of stuff. He is more a 'glass half full' kind of guy"
"Ohh Stefan. Don't tell me he tried to get you on the bunny diet straight off the bat?"
"He did. It didn't work and after a few weeks he finally gave up" I laughed in memory of the first few weeks of my immorality, hunting forest animals with Stefan. I had given his way of life a try but I just couldn't stomach it. Human blood was a necessity for me; I didn't have as much discipline as Stefan did
"Not everyone is a problem drinker the way Stefan is. He doesn't understand that most of us aren't rippers" Damon commented lightly. Ripper? I could have to ask him about that another time. "Besides you're new, you need the good stuff"
"I wish I didn't need any of it" I admitted. He eyed me for a moment before choosing to ignore the comment. He obviously didn't want to open that can of worms, and if I was smart, I wouldn't want to either. It wasn't the time or the place.
"Never have I ever ruined a perfectly good day drinking session with deep and meaningful conversation" Damon smiled, tipping his drink toward me. He could tell I needed to lighten the mood, and he had chosen the drinking game route
"You're serious?" I grinned at him as he lifted his drink up to his lips again to show he was expecting me to drink "Fine, I'll indulge you" I copied his movement and brought my scotch up to my lips and took an eager drink. If he wanted to play, we would play. "Never have I ever toyed with the emotions of someone for my own personal enjoyment" He growled playfully at me before bringing his glass up to his lips and finished the rest of his glass. He motioned for the waitress to come over and instead of ordering by the glass like we had been doing all morning, he requested two bottles of their top shelf liquor.
"Are you trying to get me completely and utterly shit faced?" I asked him after he was finished ordering and the perky waitress who had been eyeing him ever since we walked through the door walked back behind the bar to submit his request
"No. But if you're gonna play dirty then so am I...and from the looks of it our glasses are going to need topping up fairly frequently"
"Who said I was playing dirty?" I asked coyly, feigning insult. He gave me an all knowing look at the waitress arrived back at the table with two bottles of Chivas Regal. Damon refilled his glass with a generous serving and topped up mine.
"Never have I ever...punched an ex in the face and secretly enjoyed it" He grinned. My hand didn't move from it's firm position on the table and his eye brow cocked at my lack of response "Well now you're just lying"
"No I'm not" I responded very matter of factly "I've never secretly enjoyed hitting an ex...I've openly enjoyed hitting an ex"
He chuckled deeply at my response, abiding by the rules and drinking himself as a loss "I've missed this"
"What?"
"Just hanging out with you. It's...nice"
"Yeah it is" I managed to say from beneath my lashes, a little breathless at his frank admission. He gave me a sweet smile before getting up from the booth
"If you'll excuse me, nature is calling" He told before walking toward the back of the building. I exhaled the breath I had been holding and basked in just how surreal this was. Could we get back to who we were before all of this? Could we be us again? Only time would tell. I felt the wood of the table vibrate aggressively and I saw Damon's phone that he had left on the table was ringing. I ignored it, but as soon as it had finished ringing it started up again. I peered over the table and saw that it was Elijah calling, and not wanting to miss out on the what seemed to be urgent call, I reached over and answered.
"Elena? I was not expecting you. Is Damon otherwise busy?" He replied to my greeting
"Yes I'm sorry he's just stepped away for a moment. Was there something pressing I can help you with?" I asked
"No my dear nothing pressing. I just wanted to thank him for initiating my request so quickly. I understand you are at the local bar at the moment?"
"Yes we are" I responded a little confused
"That is good. The more the two of you are out in public together, the better chance we have of igniting Katherine's jealous streak and coaxing her out of hiding. Your participation in this endeavour is greatly appreciated" So that's why Damon had insisted on getting me out of the house today. It hadn't been to spend time with me, it had been him following the orders of Elijah.
"My pleasure" I responded stiffly before bidding him goodbye and placing Damon's phone back on the table. I wasn't upset with him that he was following orders from Elijah. I was upset that he had made me think we were having a genuinely good time. I sat in silence as I patiently waited for him to return to the rest room and carefully considered how I would bring it up with him. He would be pissed I answered his phone, but I felt like I had more of a right to be cross with him considering the shady move he had just pulled. A few moments later I saw him making his way through the now crowded grill and towards the booth before sitting down with his signature cheeky smile on his face.
"Alright Gilbert. Where were we?" He smirked.
"My turn" I told firmly, picking me drink up and looking him dead in the eye "Never have I ever tricked an ex girlfriend into drinking with me at the grill under the rouge of having a good time together when really I was following orders to try and provoke my other, much more sadistic and cruel, ex girlfriend" All the blood drained from his face at my words and a shade of guilt covered his face. He was trying to work out how I had figured it out, before his eyes dropped down to his phone still sitting on the table
"You went through my phone?" He asked in an aggressive tone
"No actually Elijah called. I thought it might be important so I answered"
"You shouldn't be answering my phone Elena"
"And you shouldn't be lying to me Damon. Not about this. You should have just told me. I would have gladly helped"
"Don't be angry with me"
"I'm not angry with you. I'm just disappointed. Your humanity might be back but it seems I still can't trust you" I told firmly as I stood up from the booth and walked towards the door.