A/N: Hey everyone! I'm super excited about this chapter, so please please let me know what you think!
Please read and review!
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Chapter 14: Lunchtime Confessional
They group was at lunch, talking about how excited some of them were to turn 18, even though none of their birthdays were close.
"So when is your birthday, Spence?" JJ asked.
Reid looked around, he hadn't been contributing much to the conversation because of his history with birthdays. "Um..it was on the 7th."
Garcia gasped, "What? We just barely missed your birthday, we have to throw you a party!"
Will grinned at her, she loved to throw parties. Prentiss laughed.
Spencer shook his head, "No, no thank you. You don't have to do that."
Derek looked at him strangely, but didn't comment.
"Oh, but it'll be fun!" She promised.
He forced a smile in her direction, "Really, it's not worth the trouble. Thanks anyways."
"It's really no trouble, we're you're friends!" Penelope gushed.
"I'm fine. I don't want a party, Garcia. I don't celebrate my birthday." His tone was clipped but she took no notice.
He was starting to get annoyed now, everyone was smiling at her attempts to be nice but he was just getting more and more upset thinking about it.
"Oh, come on! Who in their right mind doesn't celebrate their birthday?" She cried out, exasperated.
"I DON'T!" He snapped and stormed off, leaving the group speechless.
They never expected a reaction like that from Spencer. A few kids from other tables turned to stare before ultimately going back to their own conversations.
"Oh god, I didn't mean to push him! I didn't think he'd get mad.." Garcia started, feeling guilty. "I'm going to go after him and apologize, I think he went to the bathroom."
She started to stand, but Derek got up first. "I'll go talk to him, Pen."
She nodded sadly and watched Morgan walk away.
"What the hell was that?" Emily said, worry lines appearing on her forehead.
"I didn't think he'd even be capable of raising his voice that loud...he's so quiet." JJ added worriedly, looking after him.
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Derek opened the bathroom door quietly, turning around the corner to see if Reid was in there.
He was.
Spencer had an arm planted on either side of the mirror, his eyes closed with tears falling out of them.
His sleeves had slipped down, exposing his still healing scars. Derek stared at him, unable to speak at the sight of how broken he looked.
Spencer sighed heavily and opened his eyes, catching Derek's reflection in the mirror.
"I know I need to go back and apologize, I shouldn't have yelled at her like that...I just don't have many good memories associated with birthdays and I just..." His voice shook.
Derek dismissed the comment, walking towards the younger teen.
"What happened to your wrists?" His tone was nearly inaudible.
Reid looked up in surprise, mentally cursing himself. "Birthdays have never been very good days for me.." He willed him to understand without him having to outright say it.
"Spencer?" Derek's voice was urgent and full of concern as he stepped closer to him.
Reid took his hands away from the wall, hugging himself. He looked at Morgan desperately.
Morgan stared right back, "Please? Talk to me."
Spencer sighed. He wracked his brain for an excuse, but just when he needed it most, it failed him. He looked passed Derek, unable to look into his eyes.
"I..tried to kill myself..on my birthday...the week before I moved here." He confessed, more tears falling.
Derek's eyebrows pushed together, his mouth forming a small "O". He put his hand on Reid's shoulder before bringing him into a hug.
Spencer felt himself melt into the hug, the mental exhaustion taking it's toll. "I'm sorry.."
Morgan pulled back slightly, calling him. "Reid, look at me."
His eyes stayed shut, "It's not an excuse for me to yell at people.."
"Spencer!"
No response, he couldn't bring himself to look at him. He knew he'd see the look that bullies and his father gave him: disappointed disgust.
"Pretty Boy? Please look at me." He tried once more.
His voice was so sincere that Reid couldn't help but look at him.
"You're right, you probably shouldn't have yelled at Penelope..but honestly? If I was dealing with something like that, I would have too...but why, why did you do it, Spence?"
Reid shook his head and leaned back against the wall, willing himself to be anywhere but here.
"Talk to me." Morgan said calmly, watching the younger boy trying not to cry.
Spencer slid down to the floor, Derek joining him. He stayed silent for a minute.
"I..I stopped celebrating my birthday the day my dad left me and my mom."
Derek watched him, his eyes encouraging.
"He left on my 9th birthday. He..he couldn't handle my mom anymore. Or me." He took a gulp of air.
"My mom..she's..she's a paranoid schizophrenic." He paused, gauging Derek's face for a reaction. "And I was never good enough for him, he didn't want a smart kid..he wanted a normal one."
"No one is normal, Spencer." Derek added quietly, waiting to hear more.
Reid shook his head, throwing a sad smile at the other teen. He choked on his words as he spoke, "He left us with no money and unpaid bills. My mom had some saved up, but I had to do odd jobs just so we could eat..and to pay for my mom's medication."
Derek squeezed Spencer's hand reassuringly, telling him to continue.
Reid felt a slight weight lifting off his shoulders as he kept talking. "That was the last birthday where she was actually in her right mind." He stressed those words, the ones that had truly upset him.
Morgan had a look of understanding wash over him as he nodded his head slowly.
"Every year after that, without fail, she would have an 'episode'." He realized he needed to explain what he meant, "She would think that our house was bugged by the government and that they were trying to lock her up or kill her. She thought I was a government argent too...she'd berate me and tear apart my things in an attempt to get me to confess and find the listening devices."
"So on my 16th birthday, I couldn't handle it anymore. Her episodes, being beaten and humiliated by everyone at school...I hid in her bathroom while she kept destroying our home...and I tried to kill myself." He whimpered, making Derek tighten his grip on his hand.
Morgan felt the tears well up in his eyes as well, feeling some break through. He couldn't get the image of a dying Spencer out of his mind.
"How pathetic is that? Let the only person that has ever loved you possibly hurt herself just because you can't handle it.." The scrawny teen clenched his free hand.
"You're not pathetic! You're a teenager, you can't be expected to take care of someone and always be strong. That's not fair to you." Derek spoke firmly, truthfully.
"Well, it was expected of me. My mom never wanted to get locked away...I promised her I'd never let her." He said quietly.
"Spencer.." Morgan sighed at Reid's look, and knowing he wouldn't sway that opinion, he asked him to continue.
Spencer let out a bitter laugh, "I woke up in the hospital, and my dad is standing in front of my bed...It's the first time I've seen him in 7 years and he tells me that I'm an idiot...and that my mom was checking herself into a mental hospital..that I had to live with him."
Morgan shook his head, his opinion on Reid's father lessening by the second.
Spencer let go of Derek's hand, "I'm the reason my mom is locked away just like she always feared."
Derek faced him, "Her mental illness is not your fault Reid. And you..trying to kill yourself.." He paused, sticking slightly on the words, "Isn't the reason she is in that hospital. You said it yourself, she recognized that she needed help and now she's getting it."
Spencer smiled at him, "Logically, I know that..but I still feel like I betrayed her, I mean..the only interaction she'll have from me is the letters I send her." He paused, running his hands through his hair, "I guess I proved my dad right though, I am a disappointment."
Morgan shook his head, "You aren't a disappointment. You're the smartest person I know, you can draw amazingly well, and you're kind."
He waited until Reid looked at him again to speak, "I haven't known you long, but I know you well enough to say that you're an incredible person. Regardless of what your father thinks."
"You really don't know me that well." Spencer said, before thinking to himself, I'm worthless.
"Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think."
Reid scoffed, "You sound like an after-school special."
Derek laughed before frowning again. "Do you..still want to, you know.."
"Die?" He finished, making Derek cringe. He turned to smile weakly at the handsome teen, "No, not right now, at least."
Not giving him a chance to respond, Spencer wiped away his tears and stood up. Derek followed suit.
"Thank you so much. For listening..for everything." Reid hugged Morgan, too relieved to have shared some of his worst memories with him to feel awkward.
After being released, Derek spoke, "I'm just glad I could be here for you. I care about you, Reid..Well, we all do."
Spencer nodded in thanks, "Please..don't tell the others..I mean, they'll know eventually I'm sure..but I just won't be able to stand seeing their faces if I tell them too..the pity, or the disapproval."
Morgan nodded this time, "I promise. But, they do care about you, Reid. They'd just want to help you..." He paused, "JJ's sister committed suicide three years ago. Jayje was a freshman when it happened..she hasn't really been the same since."
Spencer started at him, feeling guilty. "I didn't know that...she seems so happy."
"She is, most of the time..but you..you never really get over a loved one's death." He told him, hoping the teen would consider that people would miss him if he were gone.
Spencer nodded, wondering what JJ would think if he told her.
Morgan looked at the floor, "You have to promise me something."
He threw him a quizzical look, "What?"
"If you ever feel like ..attempting.. again, you'll talk to me."
"We should probably go back out there so I can apologize. We've been gone for twenty-five minutes.." He said, walking towards the door.
"Spencer."
Reid stopped mid-pull, "I promise."
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Derek and Spencer (both looking exhausted and teary-eyed) approached the table, Penelope instantly apologizing to Reid.
Spencer shook his head, "You don't have to be sorry, Garcia. I'm sorry." He looked towards the rest of his friends, "To all of you. Birthdays have never been a good time for me..and I just got angry. I'm so sorry."
His friends saw Derek close his eyes and breathe deeply, concern covering his face. Aaron quirked an eyebrow towards Rossi, who shrugged in return.
"I didn't mean to upset you, I thought you were just being stubborn." Penelope admitted, smirking apologetically.
Spencer nodded, smiling back. The table was quiet for a few minutes, everyone throwing glances towards Derek, begging for an explanation on the weird behavior from their newest member. He kept his eyes down.
"Just..can I ask one question?" She said timidly, breaking the silence.
Both Derek and Spencer tensed, but Reid said yes.
"Why not let us create a good birthday memory for you?" Her voice was reluctant but sweet, somewhat afraid he'd pop off again.
All eyes were on Spencer, but he didn't feel them. He didn't answer, either, contemplating how to say 'no' in his head.
Derek leaned over and spoke quietly, "I think that would be a good idea, Pretty Boy. You'll have something positive to remember..."
Everyone was confused and curious as to what the two had talked about, and why Derek, who only ever seemed truly close to Garcia, was murmuring in Spencer's ear.
Reid puffed out his cheeks, looking at Morgan insecurely before turning his attention to Penelope. "Okay. That would be..nice of you, but nothing big, okay? I'd be happy if we just went to the movies again."
Everyone smiled, the uncomfortable feeling slowly evaporating, but the questions still remained.
Penelope brightened up again. "Alright, alright...nothing extravagant."
"And no presents. Don't waste your money on someone you barely know..It's bad enough you're using up your time." He added.
David stared at the other teen, "It wouldn't be a waste."
Spencer didn't acknowledge that, "Can I at least know what you're planning?"
"No way! You don't even get to know when it's happening!" She laughed maniacally, making everyone laugh- except Spencer.
"Oh no...what have I agreed to?" He asked, faking misery (Well, partly).
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Aaron stopped before the library doors, "You're okay?"
Spencer nodded, "Yeah..I really am sorry about earlier."
Hotch shook his head, "Don't be, I understand not wanting to talk about certain things."
Reid smiled, "Thank you. I'll see you in math."
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Derek had just left Spencer's house again, having to drop off his forgotten phone, making him promise again that he'd talk to him if he needed to. Reid made Morgan promise that he'd do the same.
Spencer sat with Stella, telling her about what had happened at lunch.
"Derek seems like a good person. So do the rest of your friends." She commented.
"They are..he is. I never imagined I'd get to have people like that in my life." He paused, "Like you...you made me feel so welcome when I first met you."
She laughed, "You are welcome, Honey."
He thanked her and headed up stairs for a shower, glad for the weekend. He needed to just be alone for a while.