Chapter Fourteen "Friends in Low Places"

It's much earlier the following morning when Dean wakes to a pervasive throbbing pain. In the absence of a sleep aid, he finds himself more easily wakened, and that's a comforting thing. It's about the only comforting thing at the moment. It's been who knows how long since Dean's had a shower, but he doesn't feel like going to all the trouble with all the stitches he still has.

He's begun to avoid looking in the mirror. He doesn't want to see the shadow of who he used to be. He would rather just become that person again. Maybe he'll never be all that he was, but he can try. He has to try because he's got work to do.

A short time later, as Dean enters the kitchen, he is surprised to see no one else is around. But he can tell they're up by the dirty dishes in the sink. It's all the same to him. He's used to eating alone. But the silence feels somehow off as he pours a bowl of cereal and sits down. Yesterday, this room was full of noises and smells and bodies, but now it's deserted. Dean has the strange thought that he's had to lose his entire family to start having family meals.

It's not weird to think of Cas and Kevin as his family. Dean's been thinking that for a while now. Crowley is another story. He had been right to say that he'll never be that. But Dean has to get around that. He can't keep simply maintaining the peace.

There are bigger problems, but the bigger ones always seem to be affected by the smaller.

After eating his small breakfast, Dean heads for the library, which seems to be the most likely place to find anyone. Sure enough, Kevin and Crowley are both working with space enough between them for two people. Kevin has transitioned from Enochian to some form of ancient writing that Dean has never seen before. Crowley is then translating rather quickly.

Cas is nowhere to be seen.

Dean pours himself a cup of coffee and sits down across from them. "How's it going?" he asks.

Kevin doesn't look up or show any indication that he heard Dean.

Crowley twirls his pencil. "Don't distract him. Prophecy takes a lot of focus."

Dean has seen Kevin in the zone before. He understands completely. "Where's Cas?" he asks Crowley instead.

"Went to pick up some groceries or something."

"By himself?" Dean's not sure why he suddenly feels his insides twisting around each other.

"He's a big boy," Crowley replies. "I'm sure he's been on plenty of more complicated errands without you holding his hand."

"None of us should be out alone," Dean argues. "We don't know if they might be watching us."

"Then go find him and stop interrupting us. It can't be far; he was on foot."

Dean leaves his untouched coffee and heads for the door. There is a small store within walking distance. Even in his state, he thinks he could make it there. And the exercise might actually help. But he still can't shake the feeling that something could go wrong. Cas is warded against angels, but so was Dean, and they found him somehow.

There is a faint drizzle in the air as Dean leaves the bunker. The sky is a thick gray covering, making it seem much later in the day than is really is. Dean pulls his jacket closed as he starts off slowly down the road.

It's only a few minutes before he sees the familiar tan coat emerging from the fog. He doesn't think to wonder why Cas has suddenly started wearing it again after all this time.

"Dean?" Cas says as he comes closer, carrying a few plastic bags of food. "What are you doing out here?"

"Crowley said you went out," Dean replies, surprised at the breathlessness in his own voice. "You know you shouldn't be alone out here."

"I could not agree more," comes a voice from behind Dean.

Cas drops the bags in the mud, and Dean turns so fast, he can feel the stitches ripping from his skin. There in the middle of the road, seemingly unaware of his surroundings, stands the nameless angel who offered his help when Dean was chained and bleeding.

Dean has his angel sword hidden inside his jacket, but he doesn't go for it immediately. He knows he doesn't stand much of a chance in a straight out fight, but he's not about to trust this guy so easily.

"It was unwise of you to move about alone, Castiel," the angel says. "Bartholomew is sending out more of our brothers to capture you every day. Even I cannot travel freely since I defied him."

"Yeah, why did you do that, by the way?" Dean says, crossing his arms and immediately regretting it.

"I told you that I believe angels should be compassionate, not the power hungry murderers they have become."

Cas stands beside Dean, and he too keeps his guard up. "Angels were never compassionate. We were warriors."

The angel looks distant, as if remembering something long past. "Perhaps I only wanted us to be more than agents of death and destruction."

"Why?" Cas presses the issue.

"If we could become kinder, then it stands to reason that we could be saved."

"Saved?"

"Is that not the eternal offer to humanity? Redemption? Is there no way for an angel to come back from falling? Surely, you Castiel, of all people can understand this."

"As an angel, I never found redemption," Cas replies. "I find that humanity is more well supplied with second chances."

"Be that as it may, my purpose here is to help you, to try to make our brothers see their mistakes. There must be a better way for us."

"They are your brothers. I was disowned long ago, and I would not return."

Dean forgets to keep his attention on the angel for a moment as he turns to give Cas a look of confusion at that last statement.

The angel shakes his head sadly. "As was I, Castiel. I am Gadreel. You may have heard my name spoken in whispers. The traitor. Accursed. Sent to Heaven's prison for millennia for my failings."

Cas actually takes a step back which leaves Dean feeling very unsettled. "Am I missing something here?" Dean asks.

"He was the one who allowed Lucifer into the garden. It is because of him humanity endures so much suffering."

"I was deceived," Gadreel explains. "Just as so many others, even you, Castiel. Though, allow me to correct you; the reason humanity endures so much suffering is because of humanity. I did not force them to fall, nor even did Lucifer, despicable though he is. Do you not understand free will? I was under the impression you made much of that concept."

"You are a traitor," Cas says. "Why would you want to help us?"

"My failures did allow this chaos to be possible. I wish to do what I can to make that right again, and you are the only ones who might help me."

"Why should we trust you?"

"I saved all your lives and fought Bartholomew's soldiers on my own. Risking my life should be cause enough."

Dean has listened carefully during this exchange. He suspects Gadreel is telling the truth, but there's no way to be certain. "I think we've trusted enough," he says. "And it's blown to pieces too many times. If it's all the same to you, I think we'll pass."

Gadreel takes a step closer to Dean, and Dean reaches for his blade, expecting a fight. But Gadreel only reaches out his hand and touches Dean's forehead, instantly healing his injuries. Then he is gone.

~oOo~

"So you just said 'no thanks' and he left?"

The four residents of the bunker are gathered in the kitchen as Cas cleans the mud off the groceries he dropped. Having heard the story of what happened on the road, Crowley is not particularly happy.

"I mean, it's not as if you should have trusted him, but you can still get a lot of use out of an angel who's even pretending to help you."

Dean shakes his head before anyone else can respond. "I'd rather know the people on my side are really on my side. There are too many ways for things to go sour if we get close to anyone else."

Kevin's eyes narrow in concentration. "But why would he save you if he's not on our side. He had all three of you. He could have just killed you then, or whatever it was they wanted to do. Why betray Bartholomew if he doesn't want to help?"

"Wanting to help isn't enough," Cas says, not looking at the others as he continues wiping away mud. "Trust is... fragile. It's too much of a risk. Gadreel's cause may align with ours at the moment, but when we put people above agendas, that balance is sure to shift. Angels, for the most part, don't care who gets hurt as long as they achieve their goal."

Dean nods, and it's suddenly much more clear what they're dealing with here. Crowley isn't sure whether he should be annoyed at the fact that the main goal of this group seems to be keeping each other alive at all costs, never mind the angels or whatever else might come their way. It's troubling because he's never been that attached to people in general. It's always better to have a goal of some kind, something objective to work for. But nothing is objective anymore. Everything is feelings and relationships and all the entanglements Crowley tries to avoid. He can't avoid it now, he knows. His life is indebted to the Winchesters, which is not made any easier by the fact that only one of them survives. Sam probably would have just killed him. Put him out of his misery. It's not that humanity is so difficult, but humanity tied up with this bunch is impossible.

There's nothing to be done, of course, save returning to work and wishing in vain for an easy solution to all this.

~oOo~

Now that he's back to normal, Dean is much more aware of how slowly things have been going lately. It's not just him. Translation is hard work, and so far, all they have are a lot of pages on angel history and hierarchy. The fact that Dean isn't really helping creates a bigger problem. Crowley had been right all those months ago when he said Dean needed to be out hunting. That's just the way he is. He can't sit still when he wants something done.

Kevin has taken to banning Dean from the library during work hours because he's too distracting. And he feels bad about that because Kevin is working harder than all of them, and if anyone has a right to be frustrated, it's him.

But Dean can't seem to see past the fact that he wants to kill something. Not in a reckless, self-destructive way. Just in his usual, born hunter sort of way. He'd never stopped to think that his job might one day be more dangerous due to outside forces rather than the horrors he faced everyday. Dean would give just about anything right now to run into a vengeful spirit or a nest of vampires. Something simple.

Of course, any time Dean expresses these thoughts, someone inevitably tells him how dangerous it is to be out alone, and that he shouldn't go looking for trouble when he doesn't even have a case. It's then Dean makes a suggestion that he's sure he will live to regret.

"Why don't we just go after the angel bastards then?" he asks as he's clearing up the dishes from the lunch he prepared for the other three so they could keep working.

"And do what?" Cas asks, looking shocked. "Kill them? I thought we were supposed to be better than that."

"I'm not talking about all of them. Just the ones we know are out to get us."

"There are at least five of them, probably a lot more. And who knows what collateral damage we might cause?"

It's been a long time since Cas has expressed irritation toward Dean. And Dean knows he should stop. He should let it go because he hasn't forgotten that these people used to be Cas' family. But he doesn't because he's angry too, and he's tired of doing nothing.

"And who knows what they're doing? What they're planning? Don't we need to stop them? Remember those kids who disappeared? Angels took them. Why?" Dean spreads his arms. "Doesn't this bother anyone else?"

"Of course it does." Cas stands up from his seat, letting bits of scratch paper flutter to the floor. "But it won't do any good for us to take extreme measures without knowing what we're getting into."

"Since when have you been cautious? Cooped up inside with all your books. Cas, that's not you."

"Don't tell me who I am. You don't know the first thing about becoming a different species! I was one of them. I was powerful. I had a purpose. Now I'm weak and useless. If you want to go get yourself killed, fine, go. I won't stop you, but I can't be part of it."

There's a moment's silence. Then Cas picks up his papers and leaves the room. Kevin pretends he's not paying any attention, and he very well might not be. Crowley turns a page in his notes.

"You two are so cute when you argue," he says.

"Shut up," Dean replies.

"I think you forgot something."

"What?"

Crowley looks up at Dean with an exasperated look on his face. "Humans have feelings. They're not just tools you can use and expect them not to break."

"Nice metaphor."

"Don't be so bloody impossible. Find something to do with yourself that doesn't include murdering your best friend's family, hmm?"

Crowley turns back to his notebook as if that's the end of it.

Dean shouldn't care. It shouldn't matter what Crowley says about Cas. But he's right. They're both right. Dean has been forgetting that Cas is human now and how hard that must be for him. Not things like cooking and personal hygiene, but the fact that he's cut off from his family, and believes that his life no longer has a purpose. Dean knows what that's like. He remembers a time, multiple times, he thought he had nothing to live for. Dean should go talk to Cas. He should apologize for being so thoughtless. He should try to make things better.

But he doesn't. Because this reminds him too much of how it used to be with Sam. The way Dean always tried to make sense of everything, not really understanding that Sam was different from him. That he didn't think and feel the same.

Dean does know what it's like to feel useless. He even knows what it was like to become a different species. If only for a day. And he knows he should tell Cas these things. Just not right now.

Dean's plans are almost immediately derailed when he walks out into the hallway and runs into Cas coming back toward the library. They stand there awkwardly for a moment. Cas looks sheepish.

"Sorry about that," he says. "I have a lot of work to do. I'm sure it's stress or—"

"Cas, it's not your fault," Dean says than he had been using before. "I wasn't thinking about... well, about anything really. I do understand though. What it's like to think your life doesn't mean anything. Why do you think I sold my soul in the first place?"

It's been a long time since Dean has talked about this. Which is a little ironic because it was the whole reason he met Cas in the first place.

Cas gives him that curious head tilt. "I didn't think about that."

"Yeah, well, I should have thought of what it was like when I got turned into a vampire a few years ago."

"What?" Cas seems to be unable to process that last statement.

"It was when Sam didn't have a soul," Dean explains quickly, "and you were God knows where. There's a cure if you've never had human blood, but that's not the point. It was only a day, but I do know what it's like to become something else, and I didn't really consider that it would still be affecting you."

Cas looks even more embarrassed than before. "I overreacted."

"I was talking about killing your family. Which I still wanna do, but only because that's the only way we'll all be safe. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Promise."

"Is this how it usually works?"

"How what works?"

"Apologies."

"No, usually it takes a lot longer."

Something in Dean knows that it will take much longer to sort all this out, that there's still an unspoken tension in the air as the head back to the library. But for now, he'll consider this a successful resolution. He knows that if he presses the issue, he's likely to whatever stupid things he's just promised Cas he won't.

Well, there are things about this chapter I love, and things I don't, but I think it does what I wanted it to do. I'm not sure if anyone will be surprised that Gadreel was the mysterious angel. Mostly, I just wanted to use him because we never really got to delve into his motivations in the show, so that's what will be happening with him. Maybe next week, we will get a better idea of why he's doing what he's doing, but in the context of this story, season 9 as a whole doesn't count, so everything is going to be different anyway. I'm just about finished with the next chapter, so hopefully I'll be able to get ahead of things more this week. I hate not having a stash of chapters ready especially since I'm a bit unclear as to what will happen next. But I'll work on that this week and hopefully have a better idea by the time I post chapter 15.