I couldn't remember the last time I was this numb, this empty. I sat in the chair across from the lawyer with Stef on one side of me, Lena on the other. My eyes were trained straight ahead, staring at this man whose name I still did not know, nor did I ever care to know. I couldn't hear anything he was saying to me, for my mind was miles away, on happier times. Times when Brandon would tuck my hair behind my ear, or Hayden would laugh as she ran down the hallways, or when Brayden would fly his planes around the living room. I bent down and picked up my purse and standing in the same movement.
"I'm sorry." I said, hastily wiping my tears, as I made my way to the door "I just…I can't do this."
I left the office, letting the door slam closed behind me, and leaned against it. Exhaling harshly, I clapped my hand to my mouth and sobbed harder than I had in the past few days. I could barely hear the words from the inside of the office, detailing the contents of my husband's will. Telling me that I got everything that he owned, everything that was a painful reminder of him.
Everything that was left of him…of them.
I could remember their funeral like it was yesterday, and perhaps it was yesterday. Everyday blended together now, now that they weren't here with me. I remembered riding in the back of the ambulance to the hospital with his body. And I remembered clutching my daughter to me as she slipped away. I remembered every single fucking detail.
I felt murderous, and ravenous as if I hadn't eaten in days, and I guess that I hadn't. I couldn't even remember the last time I had a full meal, one that I didn't throw up immediately after. I felt the door start to open behind me, and so I stood on my shaky legs…
"Callie, honey, it's time to go." Stef spoke softly to me, sliding her arms around my shoulders.
"I'm sorry." I said once again, it being my choice sentence of the past month. Stef nodded her head, and I could see the pain clearly in her eyes, having lost the same amount of people that I did. No mother should ever have to bury her child.
"It's not your fault Callie. It's Wyatt's, and I hope he lands in jail." The older woman said sternly, opening the backdoor of the car for me, and then the passenger door for her wife. "In fact, I don't think my unit will rest until he does." She finished as she slid into the driver's seat. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly enough that her knuckles turned white. Her shoulders hunched over the wheel, and soon they began shaking with the unshed tears she had been holding in. I turned my head to look out the window, watching as a woman loaded her groceries into her mini-van, as her children stood idly by. The pain in my heart gripped me so suddenly, so heavily, and so tightly, that I had to scream and beat my fists against the window in fits of rage.
It was December again, and the temperature had hit a low of thirty degrees. The grass was covered with a slight frost from the rain storm we had the night before. I stood at my family's gravesite. There were flowers scattered around, from the other family members that I hadn't seen in a long time. I moved away a few weeks after their funerals, slinking back to the east coast, to the place I used to go to call out for Brandon. Where I still go to call out for him.
I placed the blanket I had brought along with me next to Brandon's headstone, leaning my body up against it slightly.
"Hey, B." I said. "Hi Hayden, and Brayden. You two would be seven by now, and B. You would be 28 today. I'm home for the time being…" I let my words trail off, sighing once again. "Life is too hard without the three of you. I miss you all in everything that I do. Mom called to tell me that Wyatt was sentenced to life in prison. It serves him right..."
"There was something I never got to say to all of you that night, something that I used to always say, but I neglected to do in our haste to get home. I love you all." I paused again, hoping that someone would be there to talk back to me. But once again, I was alone.
"I have tried so hard to get over your deaths. Tried to move on with my life, to date, to go back to work. It's hard for me to even get out of bed…but after two years without all of you, I realized that I can't do that. I just can't. So I came here to say one last thing to you, and that is I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry that mommy couldn't protect you, Hayden and Brayden. I'm sorry I wasn't a stronger wife for you Brandon. And I'm sorry about what I'm going to do. I'm just sorry."
I stood again, leaving the blanket, and walked away from my family.
"I love you all." I called back. "And I will see you soon."
I stood on the Toyota lot a few days later, after getting my affairs in order. I saw the family, watched Jude get married, and drove by our old house. The salesman came back to me then, holding a set of key.
"We got you a great deal on the silver Camry." He said, tossing the keys to me. "You're all set to go. Enjoy it, and we hope to see you back here when you need an oil change." He said, smiling at me. I nodded.
"I'm actually going away." I said to him. "Leaving California for good." I turned around and walked to my new purchase.
The bar was smoky, and dark, and full of middle aged balding men who took off their wedding rings at the door. I sat down in front of the same bartender who had served me almost three years ago. I remembered the turmoil I was going through then, the phone call that had come through my phone, and then ordering a water instead of the alcohol I had ordered then. I let my mind wander to the day that Brandon and I got married.
The backyard was beautifully decorated with tiny tea lights, and string lights. My dress was elegant, and hit the floor. I bought it with something simple in mind. It was made of chiffon, with slight pleats across the bust, a slight train, and a beaded sash tied around my middle. I had my hair pulled to one side and curled, there was a flower pinned in my hair. My eyes had a small amount of makeup on them, and I was wearing a new shade of red lipstick.
I walked slowly down the makeshift aisle towards the man who I knew since I was 17 was going to be my husband. As soon as I reached him I kissed him, eliciting a round of laughter from the guests that was littering the backyard. I stepped back slightly, holding my fingers up to my lips, and blushing.
"Sorry." I muttered, reaching out to grab his hands.
"It's okay." The justice of the peace said, before he turned to the guests and began the ceremony.
"We are gathered here today to witness the union of Brandon Michael Foster and Calliope Grace Jacob, in holy matrimony."
My mind snapped back to the present when the bartender slipped my scotch on the rocks in front of me. I pulled my credit card out of my purse and slid it back to him.
"Keep them coming." I said to him, knocking back the one he had just given me, and sliding the empty glass back to him.
"If you're going to be drinking heavily, I'm going to need your keys." I smiled up at him, flipping my hair behind my shoulders.
"Don't worry about it, I took a cab here." I assured him, my mind thinking of the sliver Toyota Camry sitting in the parking lot. "I won't be stupid enough to drink and drive tonight." I continued, lifting the second drink of the night to my lips and downing it in one gulp.
A/N: If you want to kill me, that's fine. I will give you my address. Just one chapter left. If you've made it this far, you should probably stick around for the ending.