Disclaimer: The show Victorious, its characters and other associated copyrights are property of someone else and not me.

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Chapter 14 – My old self

Jade's pov

I woke the next morning, about 10 am, with a huge headache. It wasn't really a hangover, as I only had one shot and 2 beers the previous night. I think it was due to an stress and an overtaxed mind. No one was around and Tori's door was closed so she was still asleep.

It was Saturday and at least I didn't have to work. As I made my coffee in an attempt to wake up, I again vainly tried to make sense of what happened the previous night. Doing so, only seemed made my headache worse.

Once I had my coffee I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Thankfully I found a channel showing the 1971 horror film the Abominable Dr. Phibes, with Vincent Price. Not quite the scissoring I've always found Vincent Price, really fun to watch. In the movie, Vincent Price plays a guy who kills the doctors he blames for his wife's death, in the manner of the 7 plagues of ancient Egypt.

I know I had asked Vega to do something today, but I was pretty sure by now, she'd change her mind. Why in the hell would she want to, after all I've done.

About an hour later, Tori came out of her room, messy hair, duck pajamas and all. I've always gotten a strange jolt every time I see Vega for first time each day. Now I think I know why.

"You still want to go out to the mall and lunch Jade?"

I wasn't quite expecting that. "Uh..Sure."

Tori made and odd smile and put her hands on her hips. "Ok then, then let's hustle. As I recall you were the one that always got on me for not being ready to go out, I'm going to let you shower first and I'm still going be ready before you."

I'm sorry, did she just challenge me. If there was one thing that could make me forget my headache and bring me out of my funk was to challenge me. Again it was a brief glimpse of the Tori of old, which was a welcome change. I knew full well it wouldn't last, but regardless, I sneered at her and hurried myself into the bathroom to start to get ready.

I hopped in the shower, and finished by bathroom stuff in record time. I then left the bathroom to get dressed and put on make up while Tori showered.

I mangaged to get ready about 3 minutes before Tori and feeling briefly like my old self, I took a second to gloat.

"You will never be ready before me, I will always be ready before you. You are simply too slow."

Tori smiled briefly, but soon that reserved look came upon her face, much to my disappointment. "How about we go to the Time warner center, they've got lots of shops and places to eat nearby."

I said fine and within minutes we were out the door. In the old days we had done things all the time, though that most often happened when I was on the outs with Beck.

We arrived at the mall and started to look around. Neither of us said much and what talking we did do was confined to safe subjects, such as the weather and the like. I had no idea what was going on in Tori's head or even why she agreed to go out with me in the first place, plus I had my own demons to wrestle with. It all felt very awkward.

After looking around for a bit, we went to the food court and sat down. We ate largely in silence until Tori asked a question that made me cringe.

"Do you still have feelings for Beck?"

I'm not sure why she asked that question, out of the blue. We had stuck to safe things until now and my increasing discomfort became obvious.

Looking embarrassed Tori shook her head. "I'm sorry I asked that. It was a stupid question. You don't have to answer it."

"Yes." I said with a straight face.

Tori furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Yes, what."

"Yes, I still have feelings for him. It's not easy for me to say that or even talk about it, but yes I still have feelings for him, even after all he's done and further more I have to struggle every day with my constant urge to call him and I hate myself for it. It's like any addiction, I just have to stay strong and break it."

Tori nodded, looking like she understood.

I had to be honest, if I didn't I would get nowhere for sure. Not that I really have an chance. I have feelings for Beck and Feelings for Tori. I want the feelings for Tori, I don't want the others.

Since we were being honest, I thought I should try to relieve some of my guilt. I could officially apologize for what I had done 3 years ago.

"Tori, about the party, and what you did and me denying…." I started to say before, I stopped speaking, once I saw Tori's immediate reaction to me mentioning the party. Her whole body seemed to stiffen and at the same time her face seemed to drain of color.

"Could…could we not talk about this anymore. I'm sorry I brought it all up." Tori said in a shaky voice.

"Fine." I said with a nod.

I had really wanted to apologize, but Tori shut down any talk of it instantly. I know I had humiliated her in front of her father, but I was the one that was assaulted. I guess I was surprised by the severity of her reaction. Perhaps the pain of being made to look like a liar went deeper than I thought.

We finished eating lunch in silence and afterward, returned to our window shopping. The rest of our outing was even more awkward than before lunch.

Arriving back home around 3 o'clock, Tori politely thanked me and said she would be taking a nap until it was time to leave for work at 5 Pm.

I said you're welcome and watched her once again retreat into her room. I had hoped that we'd maybe not connect, but at least had a fun time. I feel drawn to her, but from today's experience, I feel as if nothing will happen of it. I ended up feeling depressed. I miss the old Tori, I miss the old me.

Some two hours later Tori emerged from her room, while I was watching TV.

"I'm heading off to work, Have a good night Jade."

"Good night Vega!" I said, not bothering to look away from the screen.

A few hours later I was once again at The Playpen. I was depressed and discouraged to be sure, but that didn't stop me from wanting to see Tori at work. I simply couldn't resist.

I arrived just after 9 pm at my usual spot near the back of The Playpen. It was a night like any other, with the place pretty much packed.

A few minutes after arriving Barbie, wearing an inviting smile, glided up. "Well, well, our little voyeur has returned."

I glared at her with an accompanying growl, not being in the mood for her frivolity.

Barbie put her hands up and backed off a step. "Sorry about that, how about I get you a drink to calm you down. Though I must say, you look mega ultra-sexy when you're pissed off. Another glare like that and I may have to go off somewhere and…..relieve myself."

I wasn't sure how to take that, so I decided to let it pass by. "Just get me a beer. Any kind of beer."

Barbie, nodded and quickly vanished into the crowd.

Alone again I returned my attention to Tori. I was so easy to just watch and admire her. I could do it all day. Actually talking an interacting with her was something different.

I think one of the reasons I like watching her here, besides the fact she's half naked, is that she acts very much like she used to in high school. She's all smiles and very perky and more I think about it, the more I miss the old Tori.

A few minutes later, Barbie reappeared with a bottle of import beer. "Here you go, this one's on me, the rest you'll have to pay for. So are you making any progress?"

"We went out to the mall today, liked we used to, but it was really awkward and strange. Neither of us is who we used to be, it's just kind of hard, connecting with her at all."

"Well you obviously really like her. I'd say keep trying. Here's an idea. You say you're not your old self right."

"Yes."

"Well Tori's said you're an actress. If you can't be your old self, than simply act like your old self. Like it was a part in a play or something. It may help you both connect with your old self and perhaps with Tori."

I thought about it for a second and then realized, that was actually a really good idea.

"You know, I think I'll try that." I said with my trademark smirk. I rarely smirk now a days.

Barbie smiled and then returned to work.

Like the previous night, I stood in the back and quietly watched Tori for several hours, before leaving. The strippers, though very good looking, weren't all that interesting to me. I simply wanted to see Tori. The more I watched, the more I wanted to connect with her. Connect is an odd word, but that's how I felt.

The next day, I asked Tori if she wanted to go to the movies. I even offered to let her pick the movie. Much to my surprise she took up my offer and we went out.

I thought about Barbie's advice and decided to act bit more like my old self. Just ignore all the thoughts in my head and just be old me. It was odd, having to act like the way you used too, but surprisingly an opportunity, came up just after the movie started.

We were the Mad Max movie, and in front of us were three teenage girls all phones out and texting. All three were well dressed and looked like they had money. The movie had just started and they kept going on with the phones, full force.

Now days, I'd just glare at them, but that's not what the old Jade would do.

"Jade we can just move." Tori said, noticing my annoyed expression.

I pulled out my biggest pair of scissors and tapped the girl on the left, on the shoulder. She turned and looked at me as if I was some kind of bug.

"What do you want!" Sneered the girl.

"You to put the fucking phone away, that's what."

The girl instantly scoffed. "Mind your own business, freak"

Her friends quickly smiled at each other in triumph.

Being, or at least acting like my old self, I stood up and bellowed furiously. "Put away the fucking phone's NOW!"

There eyes' went wide in fear as I must have scared them. My fun however, was spoiled as an usher came right up.

"Ladie's put the phones away. "

The three girls grumbled and put their phones in their purses.

He then looked to me. "Please be quiet."

The old me would not tolerate this and I just sat down, waited and carefully plotted my next move.

About halfway through the movie, I noticed that all three girls had put their purses, along with their coats on the same seat next to them and an idea came to mind.

Right before the movie ended I got two large sodas and sat down.

Tori leaned over. "Jade what are you doing with those sodas."

I smirked. "When I say run, run!"

"Please Jade, don't" Tori silently pleaded.

Right at that moment, the movie ended. It was time. Quickly I pulled the tops off of both sodas, stood up and poured the entire contents of both sodas into all three rather expensive looking purses.

Then out came my scissors and I cut the straps on all three, before the three shocked girls could react.

"RUN!" I shouted, as I took Tori's hand and dashed for the exit.

"It's ruined!" I heard on of the girls scream, just as we ran out the door.

I held Tori's hand until we were out of the theatre and a few doors down. I felt great, truly alive. I let go only when we stopped.

"Jade, why did you need to do that, That was mean. Those girls put their phone's away. Now, you've ruined not only their phones, but their purses and everything in them." Tori quickly scolded as she waived her finger in my face.

Feeling great I smirked once again. "Come on Vega, you enjoyed it. You enjoyed the look of horror on those three twit's faces."

Tori put her hands on her hip and frowned. "It was mean!"

I inched in closer to her. "Come on….you liked it. Admit it Vega."

Surprisingly, she broke quickly and smiled. "Ok, I liked it. But it was still mean."

I slapped her on the back, "That's the spirit. Come on Vega, let's get something to eat."

Tori cocked her head. "You're buying?"

I nodded and pointed to a Chinese restaurant across the street. "Exactly as you put it, You're buying."

We went to the restaurant and though a lot of things were still on my mind, I acted like I used to; snarky comments and even an insult. Tori responded by acting largely like her old self and I think we both had a good time. We talked of old times, though any mention of Beck or the party was carefully avoided.

I didn't know what it all meant, what Tori really thought or if I even had a chance. But for at least a little while, I felt like I did.

Time will tell.