Hello, dear readers! I just wanted to give you a heads up that part of this chapter is a bit more serious than humorous unfortunately. However, I promise the next chapter shall make up for it! Well, hopefully. Or you'll throw stones at me. Either option. I also want to give a shout out to my amazing beta, leafhouse 3 she's kinda really awesome, just saying. So, onto to the chapter!
P.S. Reviews would be lovely.
Note: I do not own the Lord of the Rings. In my head, yes, reality, no.
Chapter Fourteen: To the Bridge of Khazad-dum
Darkness. Silence. Darkness and silence. Suddenly, a creature came out from the shadows. He looked human, but something about him was off. Tom Bombadil is his name. He is a merry fellow. Bright blue is his jacket. And his boots…are yellow.
Bombadil was just finishing up writing in what looked like a journal, but it was very torn and old. Bombadil had written a few paragraphs so far.
Day 17. No luck so far in finding them. I need to get them. They left me out of the story… it was their fault! To destroy me, that's what they want. How silly of them. I shall beat them to it. They shall be destroyed, yes, yes, yes. Those fools… no man can kill me. For I am Tom Bombadil! I was a merry fellow. Bright blue is my jacket. And my boots, my boots are yellow. No one hurts Tom and lives to tell the tale. No one. I will get my role back… my precious, precious role. My precious…
Tom Bombadil closed his journal and gazed into the distance. Tom knew he'd get revenge. He'd just have to keep going. Suddenly, the sun started to rise. The sky became light Bombadil was becoming more and more unable to tolerate light. Bombadil crept back into his hiding spot and slept for the rest of the day, dreaming of his life with Goldberry being told on the big screen rather than it being excluded from the movie.
Darkess. Our story returns to Elrond's lounge, where Lord Elrond is refilling a glass of wine. Lord Elrond breathes deeply, closes his eyes, and takes a sip of wine. Lord Elrond smiles and sighs. Then, he opens his eyes and smiles warmly at the camera. "Oh, hello, I didn't see you there," Lord Elrond said with a chuckle. "Welcome to another chapter of The Fellowship of the Ring: Monty Python Style. Heads up, things are starting to look grim for the Fellowship. You may want to join me in drinking a few glasses of wine. So sit back, and don't be afraid to worry for our characters. Enjoy." Lord Elrond raises his glass at the camera and the screen fades to black.
"Oh for goodness sake they have nothing to worry about! These are main characters; they'd never be killed off. It's really a bad idea to try to get them to worry so they'd read the story. A fat lot of good that'll do, pissing your readers off worrying them…" Lord Elrond ranted on and on, thinking his microphone was off.
"Lord Elrond…" the sound manager began, "your sound is still on…"
"I'm going to pretend this never happened and you will, too. Or else."
When we last left off, our heroes' situation looked grim. The orcs were coming. There were drums in the deep. The Fellowship prepared for battle. They jammed the doors shut, and waited tensely. The doors pounded. Roars from the cave troll could be heard in the distance.
"Oh dear… they have a cave troll" Boromir announced, explaining away the roaring.
Like the rest of the Fellowship, the hobbits grabbed their swords. The last time they had used their swords (unsuccessfully) was on Weathertop. They hoped that this time they would only improve their fighting.
The doors pounded loudly, until they were pushed over by the terrible, menacing, murderous…orcs?
"Hang on a moment, hang on a moment!" Gandalf yelled in frustration. "What's all this? No, no, no, this was not in the script at all!"
Rather than being faced with a bunch of orcs, they were surrounded by mimes. Yes, mimes, the black and white striped creatures that exaggerate their actions and do not speak.
"Are you serious?" Aragorn asked. "I wanted a real battle! I can't kill you, it would feel wrong!"
"Look guys," spoke one of the mimes, surprising the Fellowship, "We don't want this anymore than you do. The problem is, the actors who are playing the orcs were supposed to arrive by plane, but there was a huge blizzard. The plane will not arrive for another week or so. The producers could not afford to lose the scene, so they hired us mimes. We are the Mimes of Moria! Get it? Get it?" The mimes all smiled exaggeratingly, looking ridiculous.
"Wait a minute, if you're mimes how could you talk?" Boromir asked, earning a round of agreement behind him.
"Oh I was only hired to speak for this one moment, and my dialogue ends now." With that, the mime stopped talking.
"I don't know how we could possibly fight these guys, they look so harmless" Aragorn said.
At that moment, the mimes took out imaginary weapons and tried shooting the Fellowship with arrows.
"I'm so confused," Legolas said, looking to his bodyguards for an explanation. As an elf, he had never seen mimes, so he was confused.
Suddenly, a roar was heard. A mime was leading the cave troll in on an imaginary rope. When the cave troll walked in, since no other action was going on, he tried attacking. The cave troll swung his club at the Fellowship. As the Fellowship tried to attack, the mimes jumped in the way and attack with imaginary weapons. The mimes were getting killed easily.
The cave troll started attacking individual members of the Fellowship. It tried beating Sam with its club, and Sam only narrowly escaped.
The cave troll then moved to its next target, Legolas. It tried slashing Legolas with its whip, but Legolas ducked. Instead, Legolas' bodyguards were killed instead, only two surviving.
"NOOO!" Legolas yelled in terror. As an attempt to get revenge Legolas climbed on top of the cave troll and tried shooting it in the head, but Legolas inflicted no damage.
Next, the cave troll attacked Merry, Pippin and Frodo. It tried hitting all three of them at once, but Merry and Pippin moved one way to escape and Frodo another way. Now that Frodo was alone, the cave troll made him its next target.
Frodo hid behind a column, hoping he was safe. However, the cave troll kept searching around the column. Aragorn saw this while fighting the mimes, which was relatively easy for him, and he tried to get to Frodo, but the mimes blocked him. Frodo made the mistake of staying in one place too long, and the cave troll discovered him. Frodo was dragged by the cave troll and was about to be stabbed when suddenly Aragorn jumped between Frodo and the cave troll, fighting off the cave troll with a spear. Then, the cave troll grabbed the spear from Aragorn and shoved Aragorn into a rock.
Now, Frodo was cornered by the cave troll. Frodo tried to run, but the cave troll shoved Frodo with the spear. Frodo hit the rock wall behind him and felt the wind get knocked out of him. The cave troll took Frodo's moment of weakness to his advantage and stabbed Frodo in the stomach with the spear.
The Fellowship heard Frodo's painful grunt, and all stopped fighting and turned their attention to Frodo. Even the mimes stopped and quietly and exaggeratingly sobbed, falling to the ground and pretending to silently wail. Since everyone wanted to get the Frodo, everyone took that opportunity to kill the mimes so they could get to Frodo.
While the mimes were being killed, Merry and Pippin jumped on to the cave troll's back in order to distract it and possibly hurt it. At the same time, Frodo slumped to the ground, unmoving, the spear still in him.
Now that the mimes were all killed, the rest of the Fellowship joined in taking down the cave troll.
"Do not worry, friends! Boromir will stop the beast!" Boromir said as he walked closer to the cave troll, ready to attack. Unfortunately, at the same time, the cave troll threw Merry off its back, and he landed right on top of Boromir.
Boromir paused for a moment, realizing he was now on the ground with the hobbit on top of him, and announced, "Do not worry, friends! Boromir has saved the hobbit!"
Pippin, now alone on the cave troll, was scared and wanted to be thrown off as well, so he used his sword to stab the cave troll in the back of the neck; at the same time, Legolas shot an arrow at the cave troll and it hit it right in the mouth. Slowly, the cave troll fell, dead. There was much rejoicing.
The Fellowship then turned their attention to Frodo, who was being propped up by Aragorn. Suddenly, Frodo started coughing, shocking everyone.
"He's alive!"" cried Sam, looking relieved as he rushed to Frodo's side.
"I'm alright," Frodo said, "'tis but a scratch! Just a flesh wound!"
"A flesh wound?" Aragorn declared. "That spear would have skewered a wild boar!"
To Sam's delight, Frodo started unbuttoning his shirt; however, instead of his bare chest, Frodo revealed to everyone the mithril he had been given by Bilbo.
"Mithril…" Gimli said in shock; mithril was one of the most valuable things to dwarves. Its value was worth greater than the Shire, according to Gandalf. "You are full of surprises, Master Baggins."
Suddenly, Gandalf sensed something. "Danger is coming. We must escape. To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" With that, the Fellowship started to run.
Soon enough, the Fellowship were being chased after by mimes. The Fellowship ran until they were surrounded by mimes.
"Gandalf?" Aragorn asked quietly.
"Yes?" Gandalf replied.
"Are we supposed to feel scared? They're defenseless mimes who won't really do anything…" Aragorn asked, unsure of how to act.
"To be honest, I'm as stupid as you are. Maybe look like a cross between scared and brave." Gandalf's answer seemed to satisfy Aragorn.
As a way to scare the mimes, Gimli tried yelling at them. However, at the same time, a very loud roar thundered across the mines, scaring the mimes.
"Wow, Gimli," Legolas said, "I didn't know you could do that."
"Neither did I." Gimli said, and after Gimli yelled again. However, since these yells were actual yells from him, they did not boom. "Never mind" Legolas said.
The mimes all ran away as another growl could be heard. The Fellowship, particularly Gandalf, did not move.
"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked.
"A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you."
"Then why aren't we running?" Frodo asked.
"Beats me. Run!" As Gandalf said this, the Fellowship ran. They ran until the reached staircases, some of which had gaps. As he was running, Boromir also fell into one of the gaps, but was caught by Legolas. Unfortunately, one of Legolas's two remaining bodyguards was not so lucky, and he fell.
"No! Who shall protect my hair? All I have left is Jeeves. Please don't leave, Jeeves!" Legolas said to his final bodyguard. Unfortunately, as Jeeves was about to say that he would never leave Legolas, he tripped and fell into the fiery chasms under the staircase. "NOOOO!" Legolas cried. However, he was pressed forward, and the Fellowship ran.
The Fellowship arrived at a large gap in the staircase. One by one, they jumped carefully, however the gap was starting to widen. Finally it was down to Frodo, Aragorn, and Gimli left on the original staircase. Aragorn was about to toss Gimli over when Gimli put his hand up. "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" With the Gimli jumped, almost falling into the fiery chasm below, but thankfully his beard was grabbed by Legolas.
Now, Frodo and Aragorn were stuck on the staircase, the gap now too big to jump. "Of course," Frodo began, "two of the biggest characters would be stuck in a situation that would lead to their death. I feel confident; Aragorn is the only one left to rule Gondor as king, and I am the one who has the Ring. Naturally, we cannot be killed off this early."
However, at the time, the Balrog, now getting closer, stepped down, and its weight caused part of the ceiling to fall, breaking the end of the staircase. Now, Frodo's confidence diminished as the staircase he and Aragorn were standing on started to wobble. "Lean forward!" Aragorn said to Frodo, who anxiously listened. As the staircase began to fall toward the other half of the staircase that the rest of the Fellowship was on, Aragorn and Frodo fell off, Aragorn into Legolas' arms and Frodo into Sam's.
"Mr. Frodo, I really did mean it when I said if you fell I would catch you!" Sam said to Frodo, holding him.
Frodo chuckled nervously. "Ha, um thanks Sam…"
As the Fellowship resumed running down the stair case, they were now on flat ground and were nearby the bridge. Fire surrounded the Fellowship.
"Merry, why does it seem the danger in this story never ends?" Pippin asked his best friend.
"I don't think it does, Pip." Merry said as they ran faster.
"Over the bridge! Fly!" Gandalf yelled. As he yelled this, the Balrog jumped behind him and could be seen. It was very large, made of ash and covered in fire. It had a whip also composed of ash and on fire.
"I am very sorry to tell you this," the Balrog began in a posh British accent, "but you seem to have woken me up. I apologize but I must kill you now." At that moment, Gandalf ran, following the rest of the Fellowship.
The Fellowship, with Pippin in the front, had arrived at the bridge. The bridge was long, thin, had no railings, and was above a deep, dark abyss.
"Merry, I'm not so sure I want to run across this," Pippin said, terrified.
"Pip," Merry said, "look behind you. If you don't run, that thing will kill us." Pippin listened to Merry, turned around and saw the Balrog. Pippin was suddenly able to find his legs as he ran across the bridge, the rest of the Fellowship running behind him. They could see the exit just over the bridge. Many of the members started running towards the exit when they heard Gandalf.
"You cannot pass!" Gandalf yelled at the Balrog. Both were standing in the middle of the bridge and staring at each other.
"Look mate, I am a giant, deadly creature. I could step on you and squash you. You're like an ant. You're trying to tell me you are going to prevent me from passing?" The Balrog asked incredulously.
"I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor. Dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!" As Gandalf said this, a shield made of light surrounded him, protecting him from the Balrog. "You cannot pass."
"Sir, I don't really think you're in a good position to tell me if I can or cannot pass. For once thing, I could easily squash you. Also, I could knock you off the bridge. I'm sort of a large creature covered in fire. I am a Maiar, after all, so I'm similar to a god! Mate, the odds aren't really in your favor." The Balrog said, trying to talk sense into Gandalf.
"Go back to the shadow!" Gandalf yelled at the Balrog.
"Oh that is just rude! No please? What's so bad about asking 'please, sir, could you leave and go back to the shadow?' You were just rude!" As a way to scare him, the Balrog slashed his whip through the air and hit Gandalf's shield of light, breaking it.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled, banging his staff on the bridge. The Balrog did not see anything happen, and just thought he banged his staff on the ground just for show.
"Well, I warned you, sir!" The Balrog moved forward to attack, but as he did, the bridge under him collapsed, causing him to fall into the abyss.
Gandalf turned around to walk back to the Fellowship when…
"Bloody hell! That was rude! Oh, you are coming with me!" With that, the Balrog slashed his whip, grabbing Gandalf by the ankle in the process and pulling him down. Gandalf was now holding onto the bridge by his fingernails.
Frodo tried running to help him, but Boromir stopped him. Had Boromir let Frodo go, Frodo would have fallen while helping Gandalf up. "No! Gandalf!" Frodo cried to his mentor.
"Well don't just stand around waiting! Fly, you fools!" With that, Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss, never to come out again.