Chapter 14
The streets of New York were filled with cars and people, all of them headed somewhere. Some of them were alone, but she saw that many were couples walking hand-in-hand, talking and laughing with each other. She resented those people, lives so simple and without complications, completely unlike hers. Rachel let out a sigh and put her head down, continuing on her walk through the streets.
Days have passed since her and Ross' 'breakup' and not a day goes by that she doesn't regret everything that happened that night. She hated herself for making the decision she made. She hated herself for letting her fears make her decisions for her. But most of all, she hated herself for being so blind to see that she had started this relationship for all the wrong intentions and only realising it after it was too late. Now she was facing the consequences of her choices, and she was facing them without him by her side.
What made everything worse, however, was the fact that Ross was no longer speaking to her. Hell, they were barely even seeing each other as he had avoided making any contact with her since their breakup. And on the rare occasions where they would be in the same room, never was it a smile.
She had tried reaching out to him. She had tried to talk to him, she had tried to apologise, and one point she had even begged for his forgiveness but it all came to no avail. The warmth and care of his eyes that she loved so much were gone, replaced by a heavy shroud of darkness that reflected his pain and sadness, and she could see just how much she had hurt him.
She only wished he could see how much she was hurting; not only from the guilt of her decisions but also from the way he was treating her. But if one of them should be in pain, without questions it should be her.
Rachel let out another sigh, bathing in her misery as she continued on her desultory walk. Somewhere down the street she spotted a newsstand and she decided to check it out. Maybe she could pick up something to read and distract her from her thoughts.
A moment later, she was looking around the racks, her eyes scanning over all the headlines and magazine titles. There was some stuff on politics and a bunch more about last night's basketball game, nothing she was really interested in, when all of a sudden, in the corner of her eye, she spotted something that made her heart jump. A familiar figure stood just a few feet away, also checking out today's paper, and he didn't even have to turn around for her to know it was Ross.
Instantly her heart began to skip and she felt her hand shake nervously. This was the closest she's been to him in days, and she wondered if maybe it was a chance for them to reconcile. She desperately wanted to talk to him, not only to apologise and try to make him forgive her, but also just to hear his voice. She missed him but they were so far gone that all she wanted was to talk to him to ease her unsteady heart. Quietly she walked over to stand next to him, pretending to be browsing the papers.
"Oh hey!" she greeted, acting as if she had just run into him.
Her voice seemed to startle him and he turned his head to see who it was, but as soon as he saw her, his expression turned into a frown and he turned back at the paper he was looking at.
"Umm… so whatcha reading?" she asked, trying to continue the failing conversation. She looked over his shoulder to see what he was looking at. "Oh yeah, that one looks good. I hear Bush will be a great president."
Ross shook his head and let out a sigh of annoyance. "What do you want Rachel?" he asked coldly.
She softened. "I just want to talk."
"Well then I'm the wrong person to do that with," he answered harshly, turning away and looking at another rack of papers.
It hurt to be given the cold shoulder but she wouldn't let that deter her. She needed to talk to him. It didn't have to be about them, it could be anything. Anything that could show her there was still hope for their messed-up relationship.
She walked over to the rack beside his and scanned over the magazines. Looking over all the titles she spotted the newest edition of Cosmopolitan, grabbing it for herself, while underneath she grabbed something that might be helpful.
"Oh look, here's the latest edition of Discover," she said, handing him the magazine.
Ross looked down at the magazine but ignored her hand, instead turning to the rack she got it from. Without a word, he reached over and grabbed himself one, turning away and walking over to the vendor to pay for it. Rachel frowned and sadly put away the magazine. It was like she wasn't even there, but she wouldn't give up. She quickly rushed over to vendor before Ross could pull out his wallet.
"I'll pay for that!" she offered, pulling out her purse and giving the vendor a handful of coins.
Ross just shook his head. "Give her back the money," he said, handing the man a five. "Keep the change."
Then, without another word or even a glance in her direction, he walked away. This time Rachel didn't follow, instead just watching him leave while holding back tears. Through her entire life she had never been ignored before and now, she was being given the silent treatment by the one person she cared about the most, and she had to admit, it hurt. It hurt a lot.
"Wow, that was the harshest cold shoulder I've ever seen," the vendor commented. "What did you do to deserve that?"
Rachel sighed.
"Something awful. Something really, really awful."
…
Later that night, Rachel slowly made her way up her apartment stairs, headed for Monica and Chandler's apartment for a group movie night. Earlier she wasn't even sure if she wanted to go, knowing Ross would be there, but she ultimately decided to go anyways since she was sure the others would ask questions if she didn't show up, and that was the last thing she wanted.
As she climbed the stairs, she realised that this was the first time she had been in her apartment since this morning. After work, all she had done was walk aimlessly around town and aside from her run in with Ross, she had barely talked to anyone. It had just been her, her thoughts, and her cloud of misery that hung over her head.
Approaching the door, Rachel let out a deep sigh, preparing herself for a torturous night. She could turn around right now and save her heart the pain of him ignoring her again, but she already knew she was going to go on anyways. She figured every chance she had to be near him was another chance at fixing their broken relationship, and at this moment, she would whole-heartedly give anything in this world just for that to happen.
As she turned the doorknob and stepped into the apartment, she was greeted by the sight of everyone gathered around the kitchen table, Ross standing at the head as he recalled some story to the others.
"… and so after work, my co-worker was like, 'What happened to my chair?'"
Everyone burst out laughing while Rachel simply remained quiet off to the side. She didn't know why but all of a sudden it felt like she was a stranger to the group, like she wasn't sure how to act around them. It was as if when one person in the group wasn't welcoming to her, no one was, but of course she knew that wasn't the case. It just felt like she was an outcast.
Still standing near the doorway, it was Monica who spotted her first and gave her a small wave. She smiled, that feeling of being an outcast disappearing, but when Ross turned to see who Monica was waving at, his expression immediately hardened and a slight frown appeared on his face. Rachel's smile also faded away, and at this Monica took notice.
Rachel quietly cleared her throat. "So, what are you guys talking about?"
"Nothing much. We were just waiting for you and Ross was telling us this funny story about his co-worker at the university," Phoebe responded.
"Yeah, so what happened next Ross? Did the guy flip out or something?" Joey asked.
Ross, still staring at her with an icy glare, suddenly turned away. "You know what, it's not really all that funny anyways." He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and his beer from the table and walked over to the TV, plopping himself down on the couch.
Rachel watched as everyone else just shrugged and joined him in the living room. She let out a sigh as she hung up her coat. At least he was making eye-contact now.
When she turned around to join the others, she was caught off guard by Monica who stood in front of her, looking at her quizzically.
"Um, what's up Mon? Aren't we going to watch a movie?"
"Rachel, did something happen between you and Ross?" Monica asked in a quiet tone.
She felt her palms begin to sweat. How did she know? "N-no, nothing happened," she answered quickly.
Monica raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? Because when you walked in the room his attitude seemed to change all of a sudden."
"You're crazy Mon," she said, awkwardly laughing it off. "There's nothing happening, I swear."
"If you say so," Monica responded, though her tone showed that she didn't completely believe her.
Rachel avoided her friend's examining look as she hurried to the living room, not looking to take anymore of Monica's questions. She quietly took a seat on a vacant seat, spotting Ross' solemn look on his face, and sighed. Something certainly was happening between them, and if she was to be truthful, she sure could use Monica's help.
After Monica joined the group in living room and finding a spot on Chandler's lap, the lights were turned off and the movie was started. Rachel couldn't help but watch Monica and Chandler for a moment, feeling nothing but the sense of jealousy and envy. If only her and Ross' relationship could be that simple, but as usual, what she wanted always seemed to be far from reality. It was ironic really, how all of this started with her jealousy towards her friends and now it was coming back full circle.
It just wasn't fair.
…
As the movie went on, Rachel found herself unable to watch the movie whatsoever. She just had way too much on her mind to be able to enjoy anything really, which made the movie just background noise to her. She had hoped maybe this movie night would help her clear her mind, but with Ross only a few feet away from her, it was hard not to sneak glances at the man she's been dying to see all week.
Ross didn't seem to be any more interested in the movie than she was. She had noticed right from the start that though his eyes were directed forward, they seemed to stare off to the side and she knew from his unchanging look that he was deep in thought. Part of her desperately wanted to know what he was thinking about and whether or not it was about her, though judging by his slight frown on his face, she knew he was thinking or her and chances are, they aren't pleasant thoughts.
A wave of sadness overcame her entire body as she realised just how bad this situation was. This entire week she had been trying to just be in the same room as him, hoping for the possibility of at least talking to him. But now, not only was he not talking to her or even looking at her, but his feelings towards her were openly plastered all across his face and perhaps that was the part that hurt the most. She could literally see the hatred in his emotion and that just tore her apart because while he was hating her, she was hopelessly loving him.
Quietly Rachel sunk back into her chair and brought her legs to her chest, her sad eyes desperately searching for his, but it was all in vain. To say she felt like a ghost was an understatement. She was literally invisible.
An hour later, the end-credits began to roll and the lights were turned back on as everyone yawned and stretched out in their seats. Most of the group began talking about the movie and what they thought about the ending but Rachel remained quiet off to the side. She couldn't exactly join in on the conversation since she had absolutely no idea what the movie was about, but that was alright because she really didn't feel like talking. Instead, she kept her eyes on Ross who was now out of his daydream-like state but also remained silent.
While the others talked, she watched as he checked the clock on the wall, swirling the beer in his hand before finishing off whatever was left inside. Placing the empty bottle on the table, he stood up and turned to the rest of the group.
"Hey guys, thanks for the movie but I think I'm going to go. It's getting a little late."
"Ok, see you tomorrow," Monica replied.
Chandler raised his bottle of beer. "Take care man."
Ross nodded, grabbing his jacket off the couch and turned to leave. As he did, his eyes passed by right across her as if she was just another piece of furniture in the room and completely missing her soft eyes. He walked towards the door and at that moment, she knew she had to do something, anything. She just can't let him leave knowing that they're this far apart in fixing this relationship.
After the door closed behind him, she quickly stood up and grabbed her jacket as well.
"Hey Mon, I'm going to go too. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
"Alright, bye Rach," Monica waved, as did everyone else, and she quickly hurried out of the apartment.
As soon as she stepped out into the hallway she found it empty and immediately turned towards the stairwell. She quickly began to descend the stairs, trying to catch up to him before he leaves. She finally caught up to him on the main floor, just as he was beginning to walk out the main doors.
"Ross, wait!" she called out, running forwards. For a second he stopped, but as soon as he recognised it was her voice, he continued walking out the doors and out onto the streets. Rachel burst from the doors shortly after him and seeing that he wasn't stopping, she immediately ran over and grabbed his arm forcefully. "Ross, I said wait. We need to talk."
"I have nothing to say to you," he replied coldly, jerking his arm away from her.
"Well I have something to say to you!" She grabbed his arm again and forcefully turned him around so he was facing her. She shivered from the icy look in his eyes but she forced herself to stay strong. "Ross please, just listen to me, ok? I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry and I'll continue apologizing for the rest of my life if I have to. But this, whatever's happening between us, I can't take it. I just can't take it. You ignore me whenever I try to talk to you and you sometimes don't even bother looking at me. It's like I'm completely invisible to you."
He just gave her a cold look. "Is that all? Because if so, I'm just going to go."
"No! Ross please, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you-"
"You know you hurt me?!" he interrupted with a harsh tone. "Rachel, you did more than just hurt me. You used me. You broke my trust. You made me feel like the lowliest person alive, and you expect me to just forgive you because you said 'sorry'?!"
"No, I don't expect forgiveness or anything like that. I just can't take this anymore. Ross please…" Her voice broke for a moment as her outer shell collapsed and a few tears began to appear in her eyes. "… Can't you see how much this hurts me? Can't you see how miserable I've been since you started ignoring me?"
"Well then maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to use me," he responded harshly and this time, she had nothing left to say. With a jerk of his arm, he turned around and walked away, standing alone in the dark street.
Tears streamed down her face as she just stood there, watching the man she loved turn his back on her. Why couldn't he see the pain he was causing her? Why couldn't he see just how badly she wanted to mend their relationship, and how hard he was making it?
No matter what she did, they were still worlds apart and now, she didn't know what to do anymore.
Now, she was lost.
…
Author's Note: Sorry guys, had a lot of trouble with this one. It's meant to be a transition chapter into the next one, hence the length and the lack of plot. Hopefully the next one will be easier to write.