Chapter 13
Katniss
I am jostled slightly as the carriage makes it way up the bumpy path. The wide expanse of sloping and immaculately cut grass pass by my window as we approach the palace gates. I can see the glinting gold tops of the palace towers rising from the summit of the grassy hill. I will be home soon.
I fidget on the plush seat of the carriage as I struggle to get comfortable. I pull on the top of my gown in an effort to relieve some of the pressure. The bodice of the dress is pulled tight around my chest and I struggle to breathe. I do not know what to do with all the excess material of the skirt. It is heavy and cumbersome. Having spent the last 2 months wearing men's clothing I am struggling to readjust to these constricting garments.
Prince Gale sees my discomfort from his seat opposite me. He smiles at me reassuringly as he reaches across to take my hand. I have to force myself not to flinch away from his touch. His hands do not feel right. They seem so much colder than Peeta's warm and comforting touch.
"I know it must be daunting for you to go back. You have suffered so much these last couple of months. But you are safe now. Everyone celebrates and welcomes your safe return," Prince Gale says.
I give him a small smile in return but cannot even begin to explain to him that the palace no longer feels like home.
It has been 3 days since I was "rescued" by Prince Gale and the King's Guard. The Prince had been distressed to see me all bloody and in men's clothing and immediately swept me up like a damsel in distress and carried me to the nearest inn to allow me to clean up and rest.
The rest of that day I spent sat in a daze as maids rushed around me, making me "presentable" and declaring how unfortunate I had been. All the while I sat there with a hole in my chest, desperately trying to hold back the tears for the man I left behind.
A moment has not gone by where I have not thought about him. I wonder where he is. What he is doing. Wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. I feel like I have lost part of myself and I feel empty and hollow as a result. I cannot taste the food in my mouth or feel the comfort of the silk sheets that I sleep in as my senses have gone numb. Nothing seems to matter without him here. All that I am aware of is the ache in my chest.
As people rush about to attend me and tell me how lucky I am to still be alive all I can think about is how I do not belong here anymore.
I keep expecting to hear one of Finnick's stories or the sound of Johanna's axe. Sounds that have become so familiar and comforting to me. Sounds that feel like home. I have always been surrounded by people but it is only now that I realise I have never really had true friends. My true friends are out in the woods desperately trying to keep us safe from beings we have been taught only exist in fairytales. I long to join them.
The readjustment into normal society has been difficult. I have become accustomed to my freedom but now my father's guards watch me like a hawk. I cannot even use the lavatory without an armed guard. They are terrified someone is going to whisk me away again. They do not know that the threat to my life has been extinguished.
There were a lot of questions when I was first rescued. They wanted to know exactly who had kidnapped me and why. I was vague with the details, lying about how it was a group of bandits who saw an opportunity. I do not mention the Tribute witches or Peeta and his friends. The District is not prepared to find out about magic and I do not think the King's Guard would understand the Phantom Hunter's motives for capturing me. There is a bounty on their heads. I keep quiet to keep them safe.
As we draw nearer the palace gates crowds of people line the path, waving flags of gold and blue as they celebrate my homecoming. They chant and cheer my name as they crane to look into the carriage to catch a glimpse of their rescued princess.
I am out of practise of using my public mask but I try my hardest to remember everything that Effie has taught me and turn to look out the window with a fake smile. It is an empty smile. Barely more than a grimace. I find I do not have the energy or the will to try and pretend to be happy. I do try to raise my hand to wave to the passing crowd and the roar from outside grows louder as a result. They cannot see how broken I feel. Prince Gale sidles up beside me and joins me with the regal waving to the crowd. This act annoys me. His constant presence just reminds me who I cannot have.
I smile and wave all the way up to the palace gates and my jaw and wrist hurt from the effort of it all. I sag back against the carriage wall as he heavy wooden gates open and the carriage trundles into the square. The effort of pretending to be happy is taxing when all I want to do it lock myself away in a room and let myself grieve over the relationship I have lost. But there are yet more people within the palace walls, among them the Dukes and Duchesses of the District, and I grow anxious at the thought of having to face them all. I have become so accustomed to a quiet existence in the woods.
The carriage jolts to a stop and I grip the edge of the seat and press my back against the carriage wall as I brace myself for the crowd that waits. Prince Gale gives me another reassuring smile before waiting for the footman to open the carriage door and stepping out. Once outside he turns to face me inside the carriage and offers me a hand. I look at him anxiously for a moment before gathering the courage to take his hand and let him help me down the small wooden steps.
The crowd cheers as I step out into the warm summer air. I put on my best public smile and wave as an escort ushers me to turn and look at my parents.
My mother stands by the palace entrance with tears in her eyes. There is a hint of dark circles under her eyes that suggest a trouble sleeping but otherwise she looks as regal and beautiful as ever. Her blonde hair still shines in the sun and the red jewels around her neck sparkle and almost blind me. She gives me a relieved smile as I turn to face them but my eyes are immediately drawn to my father beside her.
I have worried about him while I was away. I knew his lungs were getting weaker but it seems my disappearance has had a drastic effect on his health.
He must have lost at least 2 stone in weight and his once rosy complexion has disappeared and his skin now appears sunken and grey. His once thick dark hair has thinned and turned completely grey. He sits on an ornately decorated wooden chair, obviously too weak to stand and is wrapped in a thick royal blue cloak even though the sun is shining high in the sky.
I forget all my anxieties about returning home and leaving Peeta at the sight of my father so obviously wasting away. I ignore Effie's calls to speak with some of the people before greeting my family and rush over to fling my arms around him.
I collide into him and he has to steady himself against the arms of the chair before he wraps his arms around me and cradles me in a warm embrace.
"I have missed you my Little Mockingjay," he whispers in my ear.
The tears fall from my eyes as I remember why I came back. I came back for my father. To continue what he has started.
"I missed too Papa," I reply. "I am here now."
Father says nothing in return but gives me a gentle squeeze with his weak arms. I feel a single tear run down his cheek and drop down on my shoulder as he does so.
Paying no attention to Effie's shrieks about schedules and my royal duty I help my father up and insist he is escorted back to his chambers. His physical deterioration is hard for me to bear and I can sense that this small excursion has been a struggle for him. The District does not need to see their king this way.
My father's escorts help me support him and I turn to give my apologies to the crowd. I wrap an arm around my father's waist and half carry him as he makes his way back to his chambers.
Once inside he collapses on the bed, breathing heavily. A round a harsh coughing follows soon after and an escort rushes to hand my father some water. I take a seat at my father's bedside as I help him tip the cool liquid down his throat and smooth his hair back. I continue to stroke his hair as the coughing subsides and he sags back against the pillows. Mother stands in the background with a sad look on her face.
Papa looks up at me with a tired smile.
"I hope this is not a dream. I have been longing for you to come home for so long now part of me thinks this cannot be real," he says.
I return his smile.
"No Papa. This is real. I am real. Your Little Mockingjay is safe," I say still stroking his head.
Papa smiles before he knits his eyebrows in concern.
"You are not hurt are you? They did not harm you?" he says panicked and searching my face for signs of physical injury.
I shake my head fiercely and bend my head closer to his.
"No Papa. They treated me well. I am perfectly healthy," I state.
Papa lets out a relieved sigh and smiles at me. He does not need to know that it is the emotional injury that haunts me the most. He does not need to know that my heart is broken and I struggle to stop myself from breaking. His health is more important.
"But Papa you are not. What have you been doing while I have been away?" I ask concern laced through my voice.
Papa just smiles.
"Do not worry about me. I will be fine. Particularly now my Little Mockingjay is back," he replies affectionately.
I give him a small smile but know what he says is a lie. He is most definitely not fine and I do not know how many days I will have left to spend with my father.
"You must rest now Papa. I need you healthy and strong," I say.
Papa nods his head.
"I will," he says. "But will you sing to me? You have the most beautiful singing voice. I have missed it so very much."
I smile and nod. Singing with Papa has always been a fond memory for me. I continue to stroke his hair as I begin singing the first line of the lullaby he used to sing to me when I was a child.
"Deep in the meadow, a soft green pillow…." I sing.
Papa smiles as I sing the first few bars and soon his eyes are drooping and he drifts off into a deep sleep. I sing the song twice through to ensure he is settled before reaching over to place a soft kiss between his brows and turning to face my mother.
She smiles at me wistfully as I stand to join her.
"The pair of you really do have the most beautiful singing voices. Even the birds stop to listen," Mother says.
I smile at her. Singing is always something I have done for pleasure but I hate to think what it will be like if my father is not here to enjoy it with me.
"He has gotten so frail. I almost did not recognise him," I state.
Mother nods her head sadly.
"He took the news of your capture badly. He was angry at himself for losing you. He blamed himself for putting you in danger," Mother says.
"There was nothing he could have done. I had all the appropriate protection. It just was not enough," I reply.
"I know that. He just loves you so much. He barely slept while you were gone and the healers say that the distress of your capture has been enough to accelerate the deterioration of his lungs. We can only hope that your return will halt the process."
I turn to look at my father who now sleeps peacefully in his bed. I am not convinced by my mother's words but I have to hold on to the hope. I cannot lose him yet. Not after I have just lost Peeta.
"I know I do not have the same relationship that you have with your father but I am glad you are home. I have missed you as well," Mother says.
I turn back to look at her and am suddenly reminded about how she lied to me. Lied about my family heritage. Lied about the fact I am a witch. How much can she really love me if she kept this part of me a secret?
I grow angry at her for this fact. I am so emotionally exhausted from having to first leave Peeta and now see father so ill that I snap at her. I do not want her words of love. She was the root of so many of my problems. I want to know why she has lied to me.
"Were you ever going to tell me I was a witch?" I ask.
My question clearly shocks her and her eyes widen as a result.
"Who told you that?" she asks.
"I learned a lot while I was away. I faced many magical beings. I was taught how to harness and control my magic to do great things. But you had been content to keep me ignorant. You made me think there something wrong with me every time I made something unusual happen," I reply bitterly.
Mother looks away and shakes her head.
"I was protecting you. I know what it is like to grow up with these powers. I know the stigma of having magic places on you. The people would have come out with pitchforks and fire if they knew you practised magic. It was better to keep you ignorant and safe than being hunted down by an angry mob," she says.
"But it did not keep me safe. Your family descends from the original witches. I was captured because some witches needed that blood. They needed a blood sacrifice to ensure their magic survived," I reply anger beginning to rise in my voice.
Mother's eyes widen in surprise.
"I thought the red moon sacrifice was myth. I did not think it would put you in danger," she replies.
"You were wrong. Maybe if you had trusted me with the truth I would have been at a better place to defend myself against them," I say bitterly.
"I do not regret keeping this from you. I could not have predicted this would happen. I left magic behind when I married your father. He has no idea of what I really am and I am glad. Nothing good comes from magic. You would have learned that if you had known the truth," she says firmly.
"I disagree. I was able to save people I love because of my magic. But I suppose it does not matter now. The sacrifice was not completed. Our magic is gone. I will never know what I was capable of," I say coldly.
We stare at each other for a few moments. I had tried the day after the red moon disappeared to move a simple feather but there was nothing there. The surge of power I have grown accustomed too is gone.
I did not expect to be so disappointed by this fact. I told Peeta I did not like the burden of harbouring so much power but now it is gone I find that I miss it. My magic is what brought me to Peeta. Our bond strengthened as he taught me how to control it. I miss that I do not have that connection with him anymore.
Neither my mother nor I have anything more to say to each other. We will never agree about her deception. We can only put it aside and endeavour to move past it. Mother makes her excuses after a few moments and exits my father's chambers. I resume my seat next to my father's beside and watch him as he sleeps. I need to focus on his health and not a rift with my mother.
The next week is a blur as I try to re-accustom myself with palace life. I re-accustom myself to the feel of a soft mattress and silk sheets against my skin while I sleep at night but find they are a poor substitute for Peeta's strong arms around me. Most nights I wake screaming of lizard mutts and power hungry witches as I watch Peeta die over and over again in my nightmares. The guards rush in to save me from whatever attacker they think is here to get me but are left perplexed as they only find me fighting my imaginary demons.
After the fourth night they stop coming in and the gossip goes round the palace about how traumatised I have become after my recent capture.
The pain of losing Peeta grows as these nightmares intensify. I find myself wrapping my arms around myself to try and to stop myself from breaking. I find myself searching for him everywhere I go. I stop and take a double glance at every man with blond hair and blue eyes. I am always left disappointed when it is not his smile I see.
The only time I do not think of him is when I when I am attending my father. His ill health is the only thing that eclipses my own pain. I throw myself into nursing him in an effort to distract myself from Peeta.
It soon becomes apparent that my father's health is hindering his ability to rule the District. When I am not nursing my father I am pushed into countless council meetings as the members prepare me for my father's abdication and my subsequent coronation. I find that these meetings are a lot of round and loud men shouting at each other and complaining and never agreeing on a solution.
I sit bewildered during those first couple of meetings. There is so much noise it makes it hard to think. I feel out of my depth and I begin to question my abilities to rule. I cannot see myself controlling this group of obnoxious men.
However by the fifth meeting I remind myself that I have faced a swarm of tracker jackers and defeated power hungry witches. I find the courage I used then to find my voice and demand that all the men keep quiet.
The room falls silent as the old and bald men all turn to look at me surprised. Sensing I have commanded their attention I clearly set out rules for meeting etiquette. I make it clear that anyone who does not follow my rules will be kindly asked to leave.
The men all sit in a stunned silence before gently nodding their heads and I begin to chair the meeting appropriately. I make every man wait their turn to speak and by the end we have a set of proposals to solve the various issues that were brought to the table.
However my new found authority and my father's impending abdication only increases the need for me to find a husband. It is agreed by every royal advisor that I cannot rule the District alone. I disagree with them but understand the need to pick my battles. Even though the thought of marrying a man that is not Peeta terrifies me I know it will unite the District and provide a much needed alliance with District 3. I have a duty to fulfil.
Prince Gale is ever present the first week of my return. We were all but engaged before I was captured and most people assume that our engagement is imminent. He attends most of the council meetings with me and we spend many evenings walking the palace gardens together.
He is a good man and I find I enjoy his company but I know I will never be able to love him more than a friend. He treats me like a fragile doll. He shields me from the situations he does not think I can handle and no matter how much I beg he will never take me outside the confines of the palace walls.
The palace has become claustrophobic for me. I long for the freedom of the woods below but the Prince's refusal to allow me there is infuriating. I tried to sneak out but he sent a train of 15 palace guards to fetch me and escort me back to the palace. I hate being treated like a small child.
His over protection irritates me. I do not want to be some passive wife. I have proven to myself that I do not need a man to save me.
Even so I come to expect his proposal at the ball held in celebration for my safe return. It is on the first Saturday of my return and I dread the crowds of people and the public mask I will have to put on.
No expense is spared as the ballroom is flooded with roses and diamonds. Softly flickering candles line the small alcoves in the walls, catching the dangling diamonds from the ceiling and making them twinkle in the dusk light. Kings and Queens from the other Districts are invited and a 9 course feast is prepared.
I am dressed in a heavy gold gown with lace trim and long sleeves that drape down and make me look like I have wings. My hair is twisted into an elaborate braid that is pinned to the top of my head and my grandmother's diamond tiara with a deep blue sapphire set in the centre is placed upon my head.
My handmaidens all comment on how beautiful I look and how Prince Gale will not be able to take his eyes off me. But I look in the mirror and long for the girl who had mud smeared across her cheek and pine needles in her hair.
My entrance is announced at the ball and I am escorted into the hall by Prince Gale. I tip my head in greeting to the guests that we pass and move towards my parents at the opposite end.
My father sits proudly in his royal blue velvet tunic and polished gold crown on top of his head as he watches me walk towards him. My return has indeed seemed to have raised his spirits and he has been able to move about more. However he is still weak and I know this night will be a strenuous affair for him.
I give first my mother, and then my father a quick peck on the cheek as I take my place beside them. I turn to face the rich and extinguished guests. Many of them smile back at me happily but I know there will be people in the room who will question my ability to rule just because I am a woman. I gather the strength that I felt whenever I was near Peeta and hold my head up high. I smile back at the crowd as I picture him standing at the back of the crowd smiling at me proudly.
I am turned from guest to guest as the night goes on. I am introduced to Dukes you will help provide my District with grain and knights who are willing to lead armies for me. I greet them all with a smile, laugh at their jokes and part with a thank you for their support. I become dizzy with the constant sea of faces and twirling round the ballroom.
During a lapse in my rounds Prince Gale asks me for a dance. He stands tall and handsome opposite me as we wait for the music to start. He smiles at me as the first few bars are played by the harpist and he offers his hand to turn me. I take his arm as he turns me around. His movements are elegant as he effortlessly leads me through the dance.
I can see the other girls swoon in my direction as he sweeps me in his arms to twirl me about the floor. His arms are big and strong and move me with a purpose but in the moment I cannot help but yearn for another pair of arms. A pair of arms that did not know how to dance and kept stepping on my toes. He feels all wrong. He is too tall and his hands too smooth. His eyes smolder instead of sparkle. The smile is less genuine. He takes the dance so seriously and I yearn for the more lighted hearted attempts of Peeta.
The music finishes and Prince Gale ends with a flourish, twirling me out of his arms and then back again so that I fall against his chest. He smiles at me and I blush at his over the top display. The crowd clap and cheer and I grow even more embarrassed.
"Will you take a walk with me?" Prince Gale bends down to whisper in my ear.
My hearts drops at his words. There is only one reason he would want to take me on a walk tonight. I reluctantly nod my head and let him lead me out of the ballroom.
The Prince is silent as we stroll through the palace grounds and towards the rose gardens. I look up at the twinkling stars to distract myself from the Prince's impending question. I take heart in the fact that somewhere else Peeta will be looking up at the same set of stars.
The Prince stops abruptly and turns to face me. He takes a deep breath before taking a step towards me and planting himself a few inches away from me.
"Princess Katniss," he starts. "I had enjoyed getting to know you before you were taken. You are a beautiful girl and any man would be proud to call you their wife. Your capture just brought to my attention the need for you to find a strong husband to look after you. A brave man to help you rule this District. I believe I am that man."
He looks at me earnestly and I blink back at him. I know what my answer will be but I am not sure how I should react. The Prince takes another step towards me and takes my hand.
"Katniss Everdeen, your Royal Princess of District 12, I would very much like it if you would do the honour of marrying me," he says.
I stare at him for a moment before answering. All I can see looking at him is the blond hair and blue eyes I long to be with. Peeta is the one I want asking me this question. The only person I can imagine being happy with in marriage. But instead there is only a tall and dark man standing in front of me who is little more than a stranger. I choke back the tears that threatens to fall.
This is the path I chose to take. I chose it for my father and for my District but as my future stands in front of me all I long for is Peeta's warm smile and gentle touch.
And for the first time since I returned I think about leaving. Disappearing in the dead of night and finding him. Living a simple life in the woods where he could bake and I could hunt.
But just as I do a flash of my father's tired and weary face crosses my mind. I am in no doubt that my leaving would kill him. I cannot be responsible for my father's death.
So I take a deep breath and breathe out;
"Yes."
3 weeks later I sit on the eve of my wedding night looking out of my bedroom window at the slowly setting sun. The oranges and reds bleed through the night sky and I am transported back to another time, another sunset and the loving touch of a different man.
I have gone through the motions the last couple of weeks. I do what is required of me but find no enjoyment in any of my other pursuits. I feel lost and guilty for agreeing to marry another man. My smiles are never genuine.
I carry him with me where ever I go. He sits beside me in the council meetings willing me to stand up for what I believe in. He is there pulling faces as Effie rambles on about the plans for my wedding. I see the hunger and love he had for me every time I look at the sunset.
It is this time of day that I feel closest to him. The colours of the sky so closely resemble his favourite colour. It is a reminder of the love and intimacy we shared that night. I wonder if he thinks about me whenever he watches the sun set. I know I always will.
But tomorrow I will belong to another man. Another man will get to touch me. Another man will help me rule.
My father's abdication will be announced a couple of days after the wedding. It is becoming imperative that this wedding happens quickly.
My old nurse, Sae comes up behind me as I watch the last tendrils of the sunlight disappear behind the Snow Mountains.
"What is his name?" Sae asks.
I break my stare from the night sky to turn and look at her in confusion.
"Whose name?" I ask.
"The boy that you search for out of this window," she states with a small smile.
I let out a sad laugh as I look down at my hands. Of course Sae has noticed my melancholy. She has known me from the day I was born. The only person who knows me better in the palace is Papa. Of course she can sense my despair and longing. Of course she is able to identify the cause of my sadness.
"His name is Peeta. And he is the best man I have ever know," I reply.
It feels a bit of a relief to admit it out loud to someone in the palace. It is exhausting having to keep it from everyone. I desperately need someone to confide in.
"You love him," she states with a sad smile.
I can only nod my head as I turn to look back out the window. I allow a single tear to slip down my cheek.
"Is it that obvious?" I ask as I search the blackening sky.
"You sit by this window ever night searching for him as the sun sets. I can see your longing and love for him as you look out. It breaks my heart to see you so sad," she replies.
I let out a loud breath as I continue to stare out over the vastness of the District. It calms me a little to know he is out there somewhere, hopefully safe and alive.
"I cannot forget him," I state. "He has my heart. Part of him will always be with me."
I move my hand to rub across my currently flat abdomen. The need to marry the Prince grows more important as every day passes.
Sae catches sight of my hand resting on my stomach and over the life that grows there and the realisation dawns in her eyes.
"Oh child, what trouble have you got yourself into?" she asks.
A/N: Poor Katniss. She's in a pretty horrible situation but I hope you understand why she is marrying Gale. Only 2 more chapters until the end so the HEA is coming. Just got to be patient for a little bit longer.
As always thank you to everyone that reads and supports this story. I love hearing from you and make writing so much easier.