Just want to say – because I haven't said so enough – thank you so much for all the generous reviews, it's really appreciated and makes me want to keep going on and on. Hence the quick update and… yup, this.
I got gradually more drunk as I wrote this, so do forgive me if it ends bizarrely – by the time I'm writing this, I'm completely pissed!
XOXOXOXOX
All Ste can think about on the journey to Amy's is fire and ashes and the burnt out scraps of Brendan's life. The rubble of his home… the very literal destruction that is Ste's re-entry to his world.
And Andy.
There's no question that it was him that lit the match, spread the fuel.
It forces Ste to confront the man in his mind. He's shut Andy out since that fateful night of his overdose… has managed to barely think about him because to do is too demeaning and painful. But Andy's bombarded his way into the forefront of Ste's current existence – burning away the walls that shield Ste and Brendan from the rest of the world.
How has it come to this?
"Are you okay?" Ste asks tentatively to Brendan, who's been driving pretty much in silence for the whole twenty minutes of their journey.
"Fine." Brendan says, "You?"
"Yeah. I got a bit of a hangover though – have you?"
"A bit."
Things go quiet again. Not uncomfortably so, but Ste can tell Brendan's thinking about his flat… cursing the men that torched it… possibly cursing Ste for being the cause of their vengeance.
"I'm sorry, Bren." He mumbles.
He takes Brendan's hand as he says it... squeezes it tight.
Brendan doesn't deserve any of this. Who knows what was in that flat… how much money, how much paperwork, possessions.
"Hey," Brendan says seriously, "None of this is your fault, ok?"
He lifts Ste's hand, entangled in his, and kisses Ste's knuckles firmly.
The gesture is comforting and intimate enough to make Ste smile. To make him momentarily forget his headache, forget his addiction, which is currently gnawing numbly at him for another fix.
But there will be no other fixes.
Today he gets his children back. And that fire may well be a blessing in disguise for him, because with the flames went his stash and all the temptation that came with it.
"It's like startin' again." He says, thinking out loud. "Innit? All afresh."
"Yeah." Brendan says darkly, "Yeah – I'll put that in my thank you speech to your ex."
"Wh… wait, you're not gonna go see 'im are you?!"
"Course I am. I think me and Andrew have a few words to be sharing."
"Brendan, no!" Ste cries.
Is he crazy?! Even after this he wants to confront Andy? Bricks and fireworks are one thing… but did Andy even know the flat was empty when he torched it… or was he after Brendan's blood? It wouldn't be the first time. That knife he held to Brendan's stomach the first time they met is sure to be less hesitant the next time they cross paths.
"You're not seein' him, no way, I won't let ya!" Ste declares.
"You don't get a say in this, Steven. The man's gotta learn some manners."
"No!" Ste's getting worked up now… can feel his heart pounding in panic, because he knows Brendan's serious – always is.
"No! You're not goin' anywhere near him – I MEAN it!"
"I'm just gonna tel…"
"WHAT?!" Ste demands, "WHAT are you gonna do?! Cos he's gonna kill you – so what are you gonna do?! Kill him first?! Go back to prison?! Fuck off and leave me again, is that your plan?!"
"Steven I…"
"Well ya may as well turn this car over right now then cos that's both our lives over then, innit?!"
"OKAY!" Brendan cries, "Calm down! Jesus…"
"No, don't 'Jesus' me!" Ste snaps furiously, "You're a selfish bastard Brendan – you know that?!"
"That man is scum of the Earth!"
"I DON'T CARE!" Ste seethes, "Okay?! All I care about is you! Can't you see that?! I'm sorry that a bunch of your precious suits got burnt, kay, but that's all it is – it's not important! It's not worth-"
"- There was some important stuff in there!"
Ste growls in frustration. The twat doesn't get it, does he? He's so keen to think he's the big shot… so keen to put people in their place that it comes before anything else – he can't even see further than his revenge. Well fuck him then. Let him go and fight Andy, with the odds being either death or imprisonment – let him realise then what a big man he is.
"Whatever Brendan. Do what you want."
"Ye don't get it, do you?" Brendan says, before he sighs, deflated, "Forget it."
"What?!"
"No nothin'. You're right – it's not important."
He sounds bitter. Hates to pass up an opportunity for a good fight, evidently.
Well so does Ste, so he continues pushing:
"No, c'mon, what?!"
Brendan remains silent, so Ste pushes more forcefully, "WHA'?!"
"There was an engagement ring in there!" Brendan snaps.
It bursts out of him; irritable, frustrated, aggressive. It's anything but breathtaking… and yet Ste finds his breath stuck in his throat… his chest tightening… shocked tears springing behind his eyes like a chemical reaction. It's like in this split second the whole world stops turning… like everything's rocked and changed and Ste's not even in his own skin anymore, but he's somewhere else, in another life, another place…
"What?" He croaks shakily.
"We're here." Brendan says, his voice equally quiet and trembling.
Ste blinks and turns. The car has stopped, and they're at Amy's house.
Brendan's already getting out of the car without another word.
Ste's stunned… perplexed into silence.
Perhaps Brendan hadn't meant to say what he said. It was essentially a proposal… wasn't it? Ste can't work it out… and Brendan's already striding outside the car, unable to answer the thousands of questions swarming in Ste's head.
The next second, Brendan's opening Ste's door… motioning for him to get out.
He's not smiling… or embracing Ste like one would after a proposal. So maybe it wasn't a proposal at all. Maybe the engagement ring wasn't even for Ste… maybe it was a family heirloom or something, and Ste's internally overreacted. Shit, that must be it. It was just there, not there for any reason… but it was expensive and now it's destroyed and that's why Brendan's pissed.
As Ste walks up the pathway to Amy's he mentally scolds himself for being so fucking stupid. He hears the word 'ring' and his body immediately reacts as if the word's for him. When why in this world would Brendan… Brendan… be proposing? Let alone to a drug-addicted, destructive wreck of a man like Ste.
He brushes the stray tear immediately from his eye, feeling completely foolish.
Brendan is looking at him with penetrating seriousness.
"Steven?" He says solemnly.
Ste blinks out of his daze and looks at him… tries to act casual and not weak-kneed as he answers, "Yeah?"
"Lets just concentrate on gettin' your kids back. Okay?"
Ste nods numbly. Fuck, and they're at the door – he'd hardly even noticed. And Brendan's knocking and the situation suddenly threatens to overwhelm Ste as he realises they've arrived here out of the blue… after everything that happened at the hotel yesterday… and Amy's going to be fuming… and sure enough…
"What the hell are you doing here?!" She hisses, outraged, as soon as she opens the door.
Fuck – think. Think think think. Pull yourself together, he tells himself.
"Hiya…" he says lamely.
"Ste… how did you get this address?" She whispers urgently, "You shouldn't be here – this is not on!"
"I just wanted to see the kids."
"You can't – we're just going out now; Lucas has got judo."
"Oh – we can take him!"
"Ste, no." Amy says, through gritted teeth, "Please, we can talk about this on the phone, but not here – please."
"You never answer my calls though!"
"I will I just…"
"Our flat got burnt down."
He's thinking on his feet. He needs somewhere to stay. Amy needs to help him… them.
"What?" Amy's eyes dart from Ste to Brendan.
"It's true, actually." Brendan says dryly, offering a stiff shrug.
Amy seems momentarily speechless.
And that moment is all it takes. The next minute Leah has turned up to see what's going on. And shit she's gotten big. It's even more obvious up close. At nine-years-old she is fashion conscious… has developed her own style, however haphazard. She has flowers in her hair and an arm crowded with glowing wrist-bands and zebra-patterned converse shoes.
And her face breaks into a beam when she sees him.
"Daddy!" She cries.
And she's in his arms. He can't believe it, but after all this time he has her back again. And he grips her so tight as he hugs her it's like he'll never ever be able to let go.
Over her shoulder Ste sees Amy's pained expression. He knows this wasn't fair… was downright out of order actually. But in this moment, he doesn't care. Not when he's got his little girl back.
"Where's Lucas?" He asks.
"Upstairs!" Leah beams, "D'ya wanna see 'im?"
"Yeah!" Ste cries, matching her contagious enthusiasm. His face practically hurts with the size of his grin… can hardly dare to believe that this isn't a dream. He feels hazy in the nostalgia of it all… like he's in some weird time-warp, but he intends to make the most of it.
Leah runs off to get Lucas and he feels his chest tighten in anticipation.
"Ste, this really isn't on." Amy says darkly, "I can't believe you didn't call me."
"No, but now I'm here now so I may as well spend some time with 'em!"
There are tears in Amy's eyes – sad or frustrated, he doesn't know, but he feels guilt at the sight of them which conflicts with his delight… makes his own tears re-emerge.
"Please Amy…" he says, because he realises he needs her to be with him on this… can't just force it like he is doing, "Please – I'm sorry."
"Yesterday you took heroin and attacked Doug right in front of them." She says.
"I know, but I'm clean now."
"After one nights sleep?!" She cries, "That's not clean; that's waiting till your next fix!"
"No, Amy I swear, I wanna make this all better, right? Me and Brendan… we're both gonna be here from now on, aren't we Bren?"
"I told you we were gonna sort it Amy." Brendan says sombrely.
Ste finds he can't even look at Brendan when he talks… reacts to the strange sadness in Brendan's voice with a shiver. Whatever happened in the car still lingers heavily in the atmosphere between them… interrupted but still prominent.
Ste licks his lips, feeling nervous by the whole thing –- he needs to focus.
"Just give me a chance, Amy." He pleads, "Please."
They're disturbed again by Leah bounding back, shouting at the top of her lungs:
"Lucas! Lucas! Look who it is!"
"I guess I don't have a choice now, do I?" Amy whispers resentfully.
And then Lucas is there too… and his six years have practically made a man of him. He looks bulky and worldly somehow… like he's grown an attitude that he can effortlessly radiate. Ste finds himself breath-taken once again.
"Hello you!" He beams, voice breaking slightly.
"Hello." Lucas replies.
But he doesn't throw himself at Ste like Leah did. He hangs back… looks unsure. He's not as confident – doesn't have the natural affection.
Three years of no contact to a six-year-old is one substantial amount of time.
Ste's heart drops, sinks, pangs in the pit of his gut. He puts his arms out and his voice sounds needy when he asks, "Are you gonna give daddy a hug?"
Lucas does, because he's been bought up by Amy to be polite and obedient.
But that's all it feels like. Like Lucas may as well be hugging a stranger.
Despite her reservations, even Amy looks apologetic. She's pitying Ste now.
"Now listen," Ste says, trying to hide the shake in his voice, keep it together, "I'm sorry, right? About… about everything. But about yesterday too, what happened with Doug… that was wrong. That were really really wrong of me, and I shouldn't have done that, should I?"
Leah and Lucas shake their heads.
"Are you and Daddy Brendan gonna stay with us?" Leah asks.
Ste's stomach flips. Daddy Brendan. It must seem to Leah that in the last three years nothing has changed. It's been a really long time, but here they are, same as when she last saw them – Daddy and Daddy Brendan. How innocent a thought. How blissful to think that's really the case – that these awful three years didn't happen… and nothing really changed.
Ste can't resist, and replies, "Yeah, we can stay for a bit, yeah. Can we Amy?"
He's putting her in a tough position again, and he hates himself for it… but right now he can't help but be selfish. He just wants to be with them.
Amy purses her lips – looks every bit as cornered as she really is.
"We're going to judo now." She says tightly, "You can stay here and we'll discuss it when we get back. Come on kids."
She takes their hands and guides them away from Ste and Brendan as though running from the devil incarnates themselves. She bundles the kids into the car and Ste can't take his eyes off them the whole time… even gets a shy wave off Lucas as the car speeds out of sight.
But Ste's got his way. He can stay here… at Amy's… and he'll be here when they get back. And he'll get something cooked up for them… he'll play with them on the X-Box… he'll be their daddy again, like nothing ever changed.
He beams at Brendan, hardly able to believe it.
Brendan only manages to give him a stiff smile back.
Something's not right about him. He seems sad and dejected almost… discomfited and cautious with what continues to linger unspoken between them.
Ste tries not to think about it.
He helps himself to the pots and pans in Amy's kitchen and tries to think back to a recipe he might have once known. He feels jittery. The atmosphere is tense between the two of them as they move silently around these new surroundings. It makes Ste jumpy… has to constantly move his hands… he ends up tossing everything and anything into various pans, just so he doesn't run out of things to do.
Anything but think about that engagement ring.
Because God knows, it's that that's causing this weird atmosphere between them.
Ste's reaction had been evident – he thought Brendan meant the ring was for him… and Brendan didn't mean that. And now things are awkward. Brendan clearly doesn't know what to say, which means at some point or other Ste's going to have to speak up. But to do that would be to admit his mistake. And have Brendan confirm that it was a delusion.
And Ste doesn't know whether he can listen to that. He feels pathetic already and doesn't want to stew on it because there's something fragile about the topic that he doesn't want to address… even to himself.
So instead he bakes and stirs and fries and mixes. He lets the steam hit him and plaster sweat across his brow. He lets the flour mess up his clothes and face. It all feels frightfully familiar, but different at the same time. He has to reacquaint himself with the cooking skill… hasn't done it for such a long time.
"Here, come taste this." He calls eventually to Brendan.
"What is it?"
"Dunno, I were just improvisin'." Ste says, "It's sauce – but it's got banana in it."
"Banana?" Brendan frowns.
"S'for the kids, innit?"
Brendan opens his mouth obediently – will swallow anything, Ste thinks – and Ste feeds the sauce to him. He feels the need to be domesticated here… with Brendan… his kids… a proper house that doesn't smell of cigarette butts or worse.
He feels unparalleled contentment when Brendan licks his lips, murmurs, "Mmm. Yeah. See this – this I really fuckin' missed."
"D'ya like it?"
"Love it." Brendan says earnestly. He dips his finger into the pan and licks the sauce off in a smooth long drawn-out motion. It looks filthy. More so with the crude pop as he releases the digit from his mouth.
He smirks as Ste knowingly. Clocks onto the way that he stares, shameless.
"Brendan." Ste mutters, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. He gives Brendan a nudge with his elbow as reprimand for being suggestive… returns to his cooking. If there's one thing he's not doing today, it's having his kids walk in on him 'wrestling' on the kitchen table. No doubt Amy wouldn't be pleased either.
But Brendan misinterprets his disapproval.
Ste can practically feel the atmosphere turn frosty again.
"Steven listen," Brendan mutters, "About what I said earlier…"
"Jus' don't worry about it!" Ste says with forced lightness… feels his heart trigger into double-speed at the very subject and hates himself for it. "I didn't think you meant it was for me or anythin'."
Brendan frowns - goes silent for a moment.
Ste stirs the sauce faster, harder… anything to distract himself.
"Well thank God; now I can give it to my other bloke." Brendan says, deadpan.
It's sarcasm… but he's not smiling. Doesn't even sound like he's joking. Sounds pissed off again, if anything.
Ste has no idea what to say. No idea what to think.
So he just mutters sullenly, "Can't. S'burnt remember?"
"Oh yeah."
Brendan turns on his heel – makes his way back to the TV, but Ste won't let him this time; he needs to get this sorted.
"So it was for me then?!" He barks after him.
"Once it was, yeah." Brendan says, irritable.
"And what's that supposed to mean?!"
"I bought it ages ago, Steven. I shouldn't've even said anythin' so just forget about it."
"What… actually for me?"
"What are you actin' so stupid for?! YES, for you!"
"Wh… how long ago?"
"Years ago."
"What, and you've kept it all this time?"
"Till your ex got his little matches out, yeah."
"But I don't get it though…" Ste says, following him toward the sofa, "Why didn't you ever give it to me?"
"Cos I was waitin' for the right moment." Brendan says, then scoffs back a laugh at the irony. "And I sure picked it well, didn't I?!"
Ste can't believe he's hearing this.
Brendan bought him a ring. Except not really. He bought that other Ste a ring… that Ste from years ago. And never actually gave it to him. And he still can't really work out where this conversations going, if it's going anywhere but he does know for sure what he wants Brendan to say and he can't fight it… and it's bursting out of him like he can't stop it…
"Would you still marry me?" He hears himself say.
"What?"
He swipes a tongue across his lip – nervous, vulnerable, holding himself forward for rejection.
"If it wasn't in the fire… would you still keep it for me even now?"
Brendan blinks. Thinks about that for a minute. It might just be a second actually, but time seems to stand still. Ste feels his legs shaking.
"Nothing's changed, Steven." Brendan says seriously, "Not for me."
"Well nothing's changed for me either." Ste says quickly, and finds he really means it. What he's feeling now… the nerves, the butterflies, the sheer intensity of his desire for Brendan's love… it's all exactly the same as it ever was.
"I was gonna propose to you – remember I said?!" He goes on, "And that were just gonna be with a piece of bread so… so it doesn't really matter that the ring got burnt, you know."
Brendan looks at him thoughtfully. He doesn't say anything – just listens, and that makes Ste babble on even more:
"So, like, if you did… if what you said in the car… cos it was timed all wrong weren't it? And if you wanted it to be timed right… like, properly, then… you can, you know."
"Can what?" Brendan says quietly.
"Ask me."
Ste finds himself just standing there… waiting. If he was in any right mind there's no way he'd throw himself into such an exposed situation… but right now there's nothing more he wants then to hear Brendan say those words. It's as if everything depends on it, and maybe it does.
He wants to be with Brendan all the time, forever, because he needs him and he loves him so much and doesn't want to be parted from him again. Can't imagine Brendan being torn from him another time. And he wants Brendan to want that too. So badly he does.
"Steven…" he sounds regretful. Shit.
"You don't want to. That's okay!" Ste says hurriedly, "No, I know things are dead different now an'…"
"Steven, shut the hell up for one second would ye?!" Brendan sighs, exasperated.
"Alright!" Ste snaps, defensive, "Sorry for openin' my mouth!"
It makes Brendan laugh. The fucker.
But he's standing, and he takes Ste's face between his hands in a way that calms and settles Ste in an instant… like he becomes hypnotised by the sincerity of Brendan's eyes.
"If we get married, we're gonna do it properly." Brendan says. "With your kids and with my kids and without drugs and psycho ex's okay?"
"Okay." Ste whispers. He's powerless to do anything but agree when Brendan gets him like this.
He swallows, finds Brendan's eyes and mumbles, "So… we will? One day?"
"One day. Yeah."
"Okay." His voice is practically gone. He feels light and breathless… can't believe this is actually happening to him. "And can I… can I tell people we're engaged then?"
Brendan smirks, "What people?"
"I dunno, like… facebook people." Ste replies. He hasn't been on facebook in years, but this would be quite some comeback to make. He always used to fantasise about one day posing 'engaged to Brendan Brady' and now he can.
Brendan laughs, smiles "Yeah, you can tell facebook people. Can I tell people?"
"Yes." Ste says immediately, and laughs breathlessly, "Definitely."
He doesn't care how eager he sounds. It doesn't matter. Brendan wants to marry him. HIM. He's ALWAYS wanted to. And still does now, even with everything. In sickness and in health, just like the saying.
Right now Ste doesn't care or want for anything but that. He wraps his arms around Brendan's neck and kisses him for what seems like an eternity, until he doesn't know the difference between up or down and when Brendan lays him on the floor, he could be on the fucking ceiling for all he can tell.
All the nerves in his body vibrate for the man above him – scream out for him. When Brendan kisses in the crook of his shoulder blade, he feels his whole skin pulsate with it… no part of him able to get enough of the man. They move in synchronisation; Brendan pulling Ste's jogging bottoms off as Ste tears off Brendan's shirt – ripping some buttons in the process, which Brendan barely seems to notice.
Their mouths meet, and then when Brendan moves down to kiss Ste's neck he does it with such fervent lust that Ste feels his toes curl, wraps his hands in Brendan's hair, his legs around his waist. He feels Brendan's cock against the inside of his thigh, hard already and for him, always.
"D'you think we have time?" Ste gasps, breathless.
"Yes." Is all Brendan replies
Neither of them say it… but it's clear that Amy and the kids aren't coming home tonight. She's taken them away… probably to Mike's… where Ste can't bombard in and corrupt them. Somewhere beneath his current ecstasy, Ste hurts with this unspoken knowledge. But more powerful is that feeling of determination… the knowing that he will get his kids back, he will get clean, he will prove them wrong, he will marry Brendan Brady.
Brendan swallows Ste down, takes all of him, holds his hips to the ground and sucks him until Ste's crying out, all digits clenched and trying to keep his breath, slurring and mumbling incoherent phrases. He lets Brendan take charge… is compliant when Brendan shoves him onto his stomach, and allows himself to be shamelessly manoeuvred as Brendan drags his hips into the air, forcing him onto his knees.
His legs tremble beneath him as Brendan teases his hole; lightly fingering and then licking with tiny fast-paced slides of the tongue. He rests his forehead against the carpet… tries to calm down because, fuck, if he doesn't he's going to come and he can't do that - needs to have Brendan inside him.
Brendan brings him back to reality with a sharp slap on his arse.
When Ste turns to see him, Brendan's grinning; large and wolfish – eyes shining deviously. Fuck, he's sexy. So sexy, and Ste wants him so much he can hardly stomach the power of it.
He can't take this anymore; needs Brendan now.
He takes control. He turns around, pushes Brendan backwards and straddles his lap, still inconveniently covered with his suit trousers. Ste spares no time for foreplay; tugs down the zipper of Brendan's fly and releases his cock, feeling the largeness and hardness in his palm.
"I want you," he whispers huskily.
Brendan pushes his mouth against Ste's, sucks and then bites on his bottom lip and tugs. And whispers gruffly, "Get on it then."
That's the only instruction Ste needs. He takes hold of Brendan by the base of his cock, lines him up and begins to sink down on him. It's painful at first and he winces at the intrusion but doesn't stop… revels in feeling Brendan right up inside of him. Revels in the way Brendan helplessly closes his eyes and hisses, "Ffffuckkk…"
Ste can feel every little bit of him. Every inch, moving deeper and deeper – doesn't stop until he's fully seated on Brendan's lap. Brendan's hands glide soothingly down his back with loving intimacy, and then grab at his butt-cheeks tightly. He starts moving inside of him. Fast. Relentless.
"Oh God," Ste moans, lips grit between his teeth.
He rides out every thrust… hears the slap of arse against balls as Brendan pounds into him… feels the friction pulse through his entire body.
Brendan doesn't stop at all – he keeps his eyes on Ste intently as Ste moans and gasps, body bouncing against Brendan's movements. Every plunge hits the spot inside of him until he can barely see… clenches his fingers around Brendan's upper-arms just to hold onto something. He can feel the orgasm building up inside of him and hasn't even touched himself – it's all just Brendan; up inside him, lips on his neck, hands on his thighs and neck and hair.
"Urrr, don't stop…" Ste pleads, clenches his eyes shut as he feels the sensation rise in his stomach and groin.
Of course he doesn't. If anything, Brendan goes faster… harder, until Ste's body's not his own anymore… just the puppet of Brendan's movements. And FUCK it feels incredible. He feels bloodless… limp… out of control, but completely trusting as he cries out and climaxes – spilling across his own and Brendan's stomach.
Brendan slows but doesn't stop.
He manoeuvres them so that Ste's back on the carpet, on his back, and Brendan moves in and out of him still, but this time slow and tender. He continues to fuck Ste through his orgasm, so when Ste sees nothing but bright light and hears nothing but white noise, he can still feel every bit of Brendan with him.
Brendan Brady, his fiancé.
Brendan Brady, the love of his life.
Brendan Brady, his saviour.