Sigyn almost slipped on the floor a few times, her teeth clattering as she walked as fast as she could down the hall. Gwyn was at Loki's door, but she made no attempt to open it, as it was frozen shut. Sigyn gave Gwyn a sad look and used her own magic to unfreeze the door.
She walked in slowly, trying to make as little sound as possible, and closed the door behind her. The sight that greeted her was heartbreaking. Loki was sitting on the bay window, knees bent to his chest and head between his arms. Large spikes of frost seemed to be blossoming from his body as he silently cried, his chest heaving with each sob. Even the large window overlooking the river was frosted over, and it was late spring. Sigyn unwrapped her cape, throwing it over Loki's shoulders. He looked at her, eyes red and swollen and gleaming with tears.
"What are-" Loki didn't finish his phrase, and gasped when he noticed the ice all around him.
"Yeah, you froze the hallway all the way to my room, too," she said with a small smile.
"I'm sorry." He gulped. "I can-"
Sigyn shook her head and evaporated the ice on the cushioned seat so she could sit down, pulling Loki to her lap. "Come here."
Loki curled up to her as he would to his mother and sighed deeply, fighting back the fresh wave of tears behind his eyes. "I didn't think it would be this hard," he admitted. "I had ten years to say goodbye to him but I'm… I'm not ready. It feels like he took the whole of my heart with him." Sigyn stroked his hair as he spoke and let him talk, knowing it wasn't easy for him to let her see him this way. "I would say I want to die to escape the pain but that would only put me that much farther from him," Loki finished with a loud sob.
"It's been less than a day," Sigyn reminded him. "You can't very well expect yourself to stop loving someone in the span of a few hours. Give yourself time."
Loki let out a cold laugh. "Time. I have plenty of time. All any of us has is time. Time is limitless. Bountiful. Forever. But there is only one Erik."
"Love is limitless too, Loki." She soothed him. "Erik will always have a special place in your heart, you won't ever forget him and you shouldn't. The day will come when you will allow yourself to love again."
"If it hurts this much-"
"Would you rather erase everything you had with Erik, just for you not to hurt right now?"
Loki sat up and looked at Sigyn, his brow furrowed. "No! Never! Erik is the best thing that's ever happened to me!" He closed his eyes, fresh tears burning to come out. "That's why it hurts. It doesn't feel like anything so good could ever come again."
"Then cry, let yourself grieve. You won't be any weaker for doing so." Loki put his head on her lap again. "One day your heart will be ready to give itself, not to another Erik, but to something just as good, maybe even better."
It was the logical thing to say, and it was so like Sigyn to say it, but Loki's heart refused to listen to logic. He felt like such a fool to have allowed himself to fall in love as though he and Erik existed in a vacuum where nothing could touch them. Having Erik had made him feel invincible, and the greed of his heart had left him with a crushing ache and emptiness in his chest and his powers out of control.
Once Sigyn left Loki's room, after he had calmed down and the two used their combined magic to get rid of all the ice, Loki had decided what he needed to do.
He was going to take back control, of his life and his heart.
It was a slow process, too painful at first. There were nights when Loki would still cling to his pillow and cry himself to sleep, or he would wake up covered in frost and have to soak in his tub.
Outside the castle he had to perform like nothing was ever wrong with him. His relationship with Erik had been a secret, but the rumors existed anyway. Once Erik was presented as the Vanir Princess' fiance, and then husband, Loki could feel everyone's eyes on him, trying to catch the most minimal change in his behaviour, waiting for him to trip up or break down. He knew he couldn't let that show. He knew he had to play it like losing just a good friend, plastering a smile on his face and going about his day as if his heart wasn't shattered.
Unsurprisingly for everyone but himself, Loki found in Sigyn the emotional support he needed. The sole idea of telling all this to Thor was risible, and his mother was too far away to help him. Sigyn became his confidant, the one to hold his hand when people got to him, the one to ground him when he felt despair, the one to melt the ice around him when he lost control, in more ways than one.
She became more than a friend, a sister.
Loki's broken heart took a few decades to mend. But as time passed, the pain became easier to handle. Despite the inherent danger of it, he would still exchange letters and gifts with Erik in secret, but as Erik's responsibilities and duties as a member of the Vanir royal family increased and his own studies got more and more demanding, the frequency of their correspondence lessened until one day Erik didn't reply.
Loki, not wanting to push it, didn't write again either.
He ventured some other partners, but was maybe too careful with his heart and his feelings, so most of those affairs turned out to be fleeting and short, burning out before they had a chance to take hold. Soon Loki developed a reputation as class heartbreaker.
Maybe it was better that way.
Still, Loki was happy to concentrate in his craft and keep his mind busy and sharp. He was well on his way to become a skilled seidr warrior, having mastered summoning and teleporting. He was most intrigued with shapeshifting too, but it was hard, a skill that took even experienced practitioners decades or centuries to hone. Master Indilwen was a great teacher, but Loki lacked patience. They had started slow, transfiguring and transmuting inanimate objects, such as his own clothes, then plants and small animals, with various degrees of success. His lack of focus became another unique problem; unless he managed to concentrate on one single form, he'd end up with some extremely bizarre creatures. That rat with a tiny wolf head was probably his favorite.
Most of his evenings, Loki spent time in his room trying to gather his seidr and concentrate on one single shape to shift into. He really wanted to get it this time. He would be visiting Asgard in a couple of months and he wanted this trick done to - show off, basically.
He had managed to shift parts of his body, and revert the effect. But every time he was successful in shapeshifting his whole being, it lasted only for a few seconds before wearing off, leaving him drained.
Loki groaned, exasperated. Maybe animals were too far off his normal shape to work yet. Think of something simpler.
Loki took a deep breath and tried to keep his mind focused. He felt the static of his seidr ripple on his skin and his muscles, but nothing was changing. He clenched his jaw and balled his fists. In his head, the will to make it work clashed with his self doubt. He began to feel something cold run over his body, and he feared he was losing control again. But I'm so close!
In an attempt to speed the process, he let go of the emotional leash he usually held his magic under and his seidr burst forth from within him, knocking him to the floor as if something had hit him squarely on the chest.
Loki gasped loudly, trying to breathe again. The soft static of his seidr still thrummed over his skin, making the little hairs stand on end. Gaining some focus, he looked around his room to see large spires of frost all over the floor and walls. He groaned loudly and stood up slowly, willing his magic to melt the ice.
When he stood again something was off. Why do I feel shorter? He felt lightheaded, sort of disconnected with himself. Something about his body wasn't - right. Maybe this time he had been successful?
Ignoring the dizziness, Loki ran to the nearest mirror, tripping over his own feet in the process. When he saw his reflection, he nearly choked watching his own familiar eyes looking back at him from another body.
"I DID IT!"
He had finally shapeshifted!
.-
Sigyn was in her room, reading and scribbling on her own grimoire as she did every evening before dinner, when she heard a soft but insistent knocking on her door. Before she could answer, it opened just enough for a head of black hair to peek inside before they came in and closed it behind them. Whoever it was had on Loki's clothes, but the pant legs and the sleeves were much too long, and the shoes fell off their feet as they crossed the room to her with wide - and familiar - eyes.
Shocked into silence, Sigyn could only stare with her magic gathered in her hands and wait for the intruder to speak. Finally, after a few deep breaths, they laughed and put their hands on their hips.
"I need your help," they whispered with a feminine voice. "I was practicing my shapeshifting and… this happened! Now I'm stuck!" A wide gesture over their entire body made Sigyn look closer at their face.
She knew those eyes and those cheekbones anywhere.
"Loki?!"
Loki sighed. "Yes! Can you help or not?!"
Sigyn laughed loudly and rose from her chair, approaching a very annoyed Loki cautiously, as the air around him was still charged with his magic. "The masters warned you against using such advanced transfiguration without careful instruction," she teased him. "Let's see the damage."
Loki rolled his eyes as she came closer. Where he had been tall and gangly before, he was now about her height and his body had filled out with curves. His once-sharp facial features were softer and his lips fuller. Sigyn couldn't help but appreciate his new, if temporary, form, and she couldn't stifle a laugh when she thought about how he may learn a thing or two from this about being a woman.
"Well?"
"Before you ask, no, I can't change you back. You've been studying this longer than I have, and I've barely touched on it myself." Loki sighed impatiently as she placed her hand on his shoulder. "Looks like you're stuck this way until you talk to Master Indilwen."
"She's the one who told me to wait before attempting a full body transformation." Loki deadpanned, knowing his tutor wouldn't be pleased at all by this.
"Well…" To her credit, Sigyn was trying not to laugh, but it was impossible.
"Don't say it!" Loki looked down at his body and crossed the room to sit on Sigyn's bed. "Just… don't." He sighed deeply and buried his face in his hands. "I am supposed to go home at the end of term. I can't go looking like this."
"You look lovely."
"I have breasts!" he squealed.
"Yes, and they are very nice," Sigyn said with a chuckle. Loki glared at her. "Come on, being a woman is not that bad!"
"My father already believes me to be the lesser son. This..." He crossed his arms over his ample chest, or attempted to, before settling them on his lap. "I'm going to be a laughingstock."
"Not if you walk in there with your head held high," Sigyn pointed out, her face red with holding back her giggles. "You don't even have to tell them it was an accident. For all they will know, you did it on purpose."
"Huh…" Loki cocked his head to the side. She was right. They didn't need to know it was a mistake. He could perfectly say it was his intention and he even had done it before.
When he turned to Sigyn again she was grinning widely, as though she had read the thought process in his head.
"Oh no…" Loki gulped hard: he knew that grin.
"Oh, yes." Sigyn chirped with glee. "It's time for you to learn how to be a girl, Odinson."