Look at Me
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Is this enough?
Jason watches Thea look out the apartment windows. There are shadows under her eyes, in the angles of her face. She's too thin, she's too light, and she barely speaks. Hell, she doesn't even look like she's paying attention to anything half the time. She looks out the windows, onto the streets far below with a deep thoughtfulness in her eyes that makes him nervous.
He's not stupid. He knows what people can do to themselves, so he hides the kitchen knives and locks it up tight with his weapons, banking on the assumption that if she's too out of it to talk, then she's too out of it to hack into his security systems. But he also knows she's creative enough to come up with something else if she really puts her mind to it and returning to the apartment in the early hours of the morning feels like some bizarre real-life Schrodinger's cat type of shit. Thea's somehow both dead and alive until he sneaks in and inevitably sees her waiting up on the couch.
Thea wakes up at night, thrashing and screaming. Crying. Jason hates it, but he hates it more when she wakes up and the terror leaves and he's left holding an empty shell as she stares up at him without seeing anything. He'd insisted on giving her the only bed in the apartment the first night and it's a good thing, too – if she ever tried doing this on the couch, she'd roll right off and hit herself on the coffee table or some shit.
He walks up to her, makes sure she can hear his steps before he gently presses a mug of hot tea into her hands. Thea looks down at it for a long moment, at his hands over hers wrapped around the steaming mug, not letting go until he's sure she won't drop it.
Thea doesn't say anything; sometimes she doesn't drink the tea and he'll take a full, cold mug after a handful of hours. He smiles at her and talks to her softly. Sometimes, he comes almost close to just feeding her himself, with how little she takes in.
It's like taking care of Catherine. Except he can do it better now; better food, better housing, better aid whenever she needs it. He doesn't quite know if she remembers or was aware of it, but she spent several days in the beginning of her stay, fighting off a vicious infection. He'd stayed with her, night and day, buying medicine and feeding them to her through broths, keeping watch over her in case she stopped breathing.
Jason weakly at Thea as he lets go of the mug. It's turning into a morning tradition, and he's not sure what it says about himself that he's settled so readily into looking after her.
He almost doesn't hear it: a breath of a whisper.
"Thank you."
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"Take care of her."
Jason turns his head fast enough he thinks he might have induced whiplash. He blinks at Gray, who sits in a desk chair he was assuredly nowhere near two seconds ago. They're in Thea's safehouse – it's a small place, not really made for more than one person and definitely not for living in – and she's here somewhere, assembling her equipment and putting on new armor. The kid stares at Jason levelly, his entire demeanor mildly aggressive now that he isn't admiring his mom.
Jason cocks his head. "'Course I will." He hesitates before adding. "You focus on staying safe, you hear me?"
"I am capable of looking after myself."
"That's what everyone thinks until something gets them."
Gray's eyes narrow but doesn't deign to reply.
"I'm serious," Jason says with a little more weight in his voice. "It'll drive your mom crazy if something happens to you while she's gone. And Ra's… your old man's just crazy."
Gray exhales – not a real sigh, but close. "I'll be careful."
"All ready to go?"
They turn, and Red Robin stands at the doorway, her mask already on. Gray purses his lips and kids shouldn't be so serious, so Jason ruffles his hair as he passes him by. He bites back a chuckle when Gray bats his hand away and hops off the chair to go to his mom.
"Don't wait up, kid. We'll be back in a couple of days."
"We brought food from Jason's house," Thea says, her hand on Gray's shoulder, "And I left money for if something happens – or if we're gone longer than expected. I'll be checking in once in a while, so make sure you keep the lines open, okay? I'll tell you if we need to stay longer than expected."
"Yes, Mother."
She hugs him tight. "Goodbye, Gray. We'll be back soon."
Over Thea's shoulder, Gray stares at Jason, almost beseechingly.
Jason nods back at him.
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"Not too late to back out now."
Jason sits in the passenger's side as Thea drives her beat up secondhand car. She glances at him; says, "We're almost at Gotham."
"Yeah – key word being almost."
She shakes her head tiredly. "You're having doubts now?"
He shrugs. "Aren't you?"
Thea purses her lips even as she stares resolutely out at the road.
"If what Bruce wants is too dangerous, I don't want you to participate."
"That's … really not your decision to make."
"It's not," Jason agrees easily. "But I don't have someone waiting for me to come back. Gray asked me to take care of you, you realize that? Kid's worried about you – and honestly, I am, too."
Her eyes soften at the mention of her son, and Jason can't help but wonder – what if Catherine or his mom loved him like that? What would life have been like?
He shakes those dangerous thoughts away.
"Bruce would get suspicious," she says quietly.
"I'll cover you."
Thea's grip on the steering wheel tightens ever-so-slightly. "What if he goes after you?"
"Oh, he'll definitely go after me – doesn't mean he'll find anything if I don't want him to." He grins at her, glad he's hasn't got his helmet on yet. "What do you say, Red? Gonna draw a line in the sand?"
She glances at him, amused. "Don't look so excited – Bruce might not ask us to do something more dangerous than usual."
Jason laughs.
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He wants to fucking strangle Bruce.
"So, basically," Jason says slowly because he's not sure he heard it right, "You called us here just to tell us to get out again. Do you even know how long it took us to drive here?"
Okay, so that's not what Bruce actually said. What he said was something more along the lines of "Darkseid stole my son's corpse and while bringing you with me would greatly increase my chances of survival, I'm not going to let you because I want you to dedicate the rest of your assuredly short lifespans to protecting a city that should probably be condemned at this point."
Something like that.
"Bruce, no," Thea says, almost begging him to see sense. "We just got you back. You can't go to Apokolips alone! You need backup."
"She's right." Barbara folds her arms and looks right into B's white lenses. "If you want any sort of fighting chance, you'll need all the manpower you can get."
"I need the three of you protecting the city while I'm gone – and in the worst case, if I don't make it back"
"Okay, no – see, Batman, life's gone on for me, and I've said my goodbyes to this city," Jason growls. "I will not be trapped here because you decided to play the lone wolf when we all know it never works. There is a reason there's always been Batman and Robin. You may not be a team player but you sure as hell need us anyway and I'll be damned if Thea gets dragged into staying here, too."
"Thea can make her own decisions," B answers, almost sharply.
"I can," Thea says. "And I don't agree with this."
"I know we've all got our issues," Jason continues, ignoring the suspicious glare he's now on the receiving end of, "But we are not letting you go in there alone. Even I know Gotham would go into chaos without you. I might not live here or want to live here anymore, but I can't let that happen. Bruce, for once in your life, let us help you."
B fucking turns away from them. "Go. Batgirl, the city relies on you."
Thea's breath hitches. "Oh my god. Oh my god, you stubborn asshole!"
"Mistress Alathea," Alfred exclaims sharply, shocked. Jason turns as well and lunges after her when she surges towards Bruce. As hot-blooded as his adopted dad makes him, trying to beat the Batman in a fit of anger is one of the highest items in the list of things even Jason knows not to do. The man is ridiculously good at fighting, no matter how old he gets. It's just not recommendable.
"Thea, calm down!" Jason holds her back, arms around her as he drags her backwards slightly.
"When will you learn you can't take it all on alone?" she screams. "Jason, get off me–! Just let us go with you, damn it, you know we'll find a way to get there without your help, so just let us come with you! Do you really expect me to believe you gathered us here, tell us you were leaving Gotham in our hands, and expect us to be fine with that? You're not the only one Ra's fucking al Ghul calls The Detective, so don't you dare tell me you don't know exactly what we'd do in this sort of situation."
Jason's between them both now, holding onto Thea, and she hits him with her fists. Not really trying – not with the training they have – but there's enough energy for him to feel the force of it. He blocks her from Bruce and tries not to feel some sort of victory in it.
"She has a point, you know," Jason says quietly over his shoulder. Thea leans against him heavily, as if speaking had drained her in every way, gulping air like she's drowning. "Did you really expect us to quietly walk away from this?"
"I don't want any of your deaths on my hands," he starts but Jason rapidly cuts him off.
"Stop. B, just. Stop. That sentiment doesn't count unless you actually take steps to keep us from doing dangerous shit, not encouraging it. Vigilantism is dangerous, but you enabled all of us to do it anyway when we were barely in our teens, so that line? That line is bullshit."
"Apokolips is a deadly place," Bruce insists. "It's best if all of you stay here."
"But if we stay here," Barbara says icily, "You will definitely die there and nothing will have been accomplished – in fact, I'm pretty sure you would've made things worse. Gotham isn't the only one that needs you. The Justice League needs you, too. The world needs a Batman, and you're the only one."
They would know.
"Were you manipulating us, Batman?" Babs asks, arms folded. "Again? Because Thea's right – you know us too well to actually expect us to stay away."
Batman regards all of them. There's a defensiveness to his posture that Jason can't help but see and he wonders what if. What if Bruce really did just want to say goodbye to all of them?
He mentally shakes his head. B's done too much shit for any of them to give him that sort of benefit of the doubt anymore.
"I will not take you to Apokolips," Batman growls. "Do what you must, but I will not bring you with me."
In the safety of his helmet, Jason rolls his eyes. They just have to do everything the hard way, don't they?
"Bruce," Thea says softly. "Don't do this."
"Go."
The pronouncement – short, harsh – makes Jason growl. "Fine. Whatever. Have it your way, jackass."
"Bruce, stop," Thea begs. "Why do you always feel like you have to be alone?"
"Save your breath," Jason snaps. "He's never going to listen. Come on, let's just go."
He can see it when she gives up; when a veil goes over her eyes and her posture straightens. She turns into Red Robin, and he needs to get her out of here. Jason remembers dead eyes, empty eyes, and the unnatural stillness as she stared up at him in the darkness. A shiver crawls down his spine as he grabs her by the wrist and nearly drags her into her car.
"Where're you driving?"
Jason slams the door. "The Theater."
"Not one of your warehouses?"
"I'm kinda sure you've got better accommodations than anything I've got." And maybe she'd feel safer there. The Theater's supposed to be her house, right? "Besides, we need to figure out what our next move's gonna be."
"We'll need to regroup with Barbara."
He turns in towards one of the backroads, towards the highway. "No. Thea, I need to regroup with Barbara."
"What are you talking about?"
Jason tightens his hand on the wheel, tries some of that breathing meditation shit he's heard so much about. "Bruce was right about one thing: Apokolips is a dangerous place. Even if we do manage to get in there … we might never come out. Look." He glances over at her, at her stubborn expression she probably got right from B. "You've got more to consider than Bruce and Damian: you need to think about what'll happen to Gray if you don't make it out. You said you couldn't just let him go back to Ra's but that's exactly what'll happen if you die."
"Jason, I can't just sit at the sidelines and watch all of you run into danger. I've never been that person, not even when my dad forced me to quit Robin."
Her dad did that? Well, good for him. "Gray needs you."
"Well, what if I–" Her voice cracks and she looks away for the longest time. "What if I can't do this alone? What if I need help?"
"I saw the way you acted around Gray," he says gently. "You'll do great."
"But not alone." She breathes in deep, her chest shuddering. "I feel like I've lost – everything. And Gray needs more than I can give him. Please, Jason, I can't lose you, too. If I go, everyone's chances of surviving are much higher."
"Higher," Jason muses, "But not safe. C'mon, Red, don't make me into a liar; Gray will never forgive me."
"Don't make me choose between…" She exhales sharply. "Don't. Please. Don't do this."
God, he wishes no one had to. "You can't win everything all the time, Red. Sometimes, you need to choose. Sometimes, you only get one thing." He breathes in deep. Looks at her meaningfully and says, "Don't abandon your son."
Red Robin stares out at the open road. She's quiet for the longest time and he drives down familiar streets, through all the old shortcuts, taking note of new establishments and possible routes. It's when he's starting to think she's fallen asleep that Thea finally speaks.
"I'll help you and Barbara enter Apokolips, but – fine – I'll stay behind. But if you don't come back alive," she adds, fire in her eyes, "I won't forgive you."
Jason nods. "Fair enough."
Thea won't look at him; is she crying behind her mask? She flexes her hands, and he wonders what all this means for them.
"So, I guess this makes us our own Pack," he says, because if he might die tonight, then he at least wants to know what's going on in his life.
"If – if you feel that way."
"I do… But I don't think Gray likes me very much."
Her strangled laughter sounds full of tears. "He'll come around."
"Don't be so sure about that." Jason never liked the men Catherine occasionally brought home or tried to have some sort of functioning relationship with. But then again, her taste in men hadn't exactly been … fatherly.
"I'm not," she admits. "So you better live long enough to find out."
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Author's Note: If I don't publish this chapter now, I don't think I'll have the courage to post it at all.
I seriously disliked the chapter in the Robin Rises story arc where Bruce gathered them all together and seriously expected them not to hatch a plan to go to Apokolips anyway. That irritation kind of inspired the tone of this chapter.
Also, I won't be going into what happens in Apokolips, mostly because I imagine it about the same way it happened in the comics but without bringing Titus. That was ... so weird. (Well, I have a lot more unsavory descriptions for them bringing Titus along, but I'd rather not be vulgar).
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter!