"Oh Bella!" she cried, bursting into my room. "Sweetheart, what's the matter?!" I felt her pull me into a sitting position, placing my head on her shoulder and her arms wrapping themselves around me. She rocked me gently. "Bella, it's going to be alright, sweetie, you just go ahead and cry, let it all out."

And I did. I gasped and spluttered. I let my nose run and my cheeks stain with tears while Alice held me. I knew we were there for hours, as long as it took to let the tears run dry. I knew that, after this, I could never doubt Alice's loyalty to me as a friend or her kindness and love for me.

Once I had stopped crying, Alice helped me up.

"Let's take you downstairs, get you something to eat, maybe a little ice cream, perhaps? Then, if you feel better, you can talk to me. You know that right, Bella? You can tell me anything?"

"Yes, Alice," I mumbled, thought I knew I had to find some way out of telling her about this. I wouldn't – couldn't tell her about Edward. Not only would she think I was crazy, but she would think I even more insane for falling in love with a ghost…a ghost who broke my heart.

Alice supported me as we took the stairs one at a time. She left me on the couch, a worthless heap, as she busied herself around the kitchen. After a few minutes, the aroma of cooking food reached my nostrils, bringing some of myself back to me. Food always enlivened my soul…but it couldn't fill the gap that he had left.

She came back, a while later, with a bowl of steaming soup. I inhaled the warmth of the scent and took the bowl from her with shaking hands. Alice let me hold it, but she kept her hands on mine, steadying them and watched while I spooned bits of soup into my dry, dry mouth. It was a wonderful feeling, being filled with warmth, love from my best friend…but, somehow, it didn't reach all of me. I still felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest, a painful throbbing that radiated from my heart outwards.

I ate every drop of that soup and let Alice take the bowl away from me. She placed it on the coffee table then grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's and handed it to me along with a spoon. I took it gladly and ate a few bites. Alice rubbed my feet.

"Do you want to talk about it, Bella?" Alice asked timidly. I blinked a couple of times, opened my mouth, but my lips seemed to stick together and my throat could only gargle a couple of unrecognizable sounds. Alice patted my knee.

"That's alright, Bella. I think I understand. I know that it's been a little over a year now, but I'm sure it still hurts…losing Mike."

I'm sure that I gasped, but Alice didn't notice and I decided to remain silent. While I had been wracking my brains for what to tell her, I hadn't come up with anything. And now Alice had provided an answer. She thought I was still hung up on Mike. Plain old Mike. Mike who I thought I had been in love with – until I met Edward and I felt true love.

"I know how much you loved Mike, how much you cared about him…I'm starting to understand it better, now that I have Jasper…Oh, Bella! I feel so silly with how I've acted! Here I came, out to live with you, help you now that you're all on your own and then I go and find myself a date and then I move in with him and I flaunt it all over in front of you and all this time you've been silently suffering! Bella, I'm so sorry!" Alice cried and my heart, if possible, felt even worse. I quickly too her hand in mine and pressed it to my cheek.

"Alice, please, it's all right," I rasped, my voice raw from all the crying. "You didn't flaunt anything. You met someone, someone you connected with and I'm very, very happy for you, how could I not?" She smiled weakly. "I just…lately I've been feeling…a bit lonely." I tried to sound like I meant it. If Alice could believe that it was just loneliness, just pining after my poor dead husband, then we could both move on…Well, she could move on and I could….just pretend like I had. I knew deep down that there wouldn't be any possible way for me to move on.

"I understand, Bella…And you know what I think? I think you should go out, meet someone. It will do you good." Her smile seemed to brighten at the idea, but I blanched. No way. I couldn't. It wouldn't be possible! I felt so terrible, like I was losing a part of myself, like air was scarce. How could I, a barely whole person, go out with someone? Someone I knew would be nothing compared with Edward? It just wouldn't be possible.

"I know what you're thinking, Bella. But it's possible. You know, there are hundreds of men out there, good, kind men who would fall in love with you after the first date. I know you, Bella, you're a wonderful person and trust me, you can find love again. There is always love." Alice smiled so happily at the idea that I couldn't fight with her about it. It was as if she and Edward had one mind made up about me – that I needed a man to make me happy, to rid me of my loneliness. Well, why was everyone so sure about that fact? Why was Edward so sure that I could find true happiness with another man? There was no way. He was wrong. Alice was wrong.

"Alice, before you go setting me up," I whispered, trying to save my voice, "I have a few things I need to take care of. I've written a novel –"

"What!? You've written a novel! Bella that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you!"

"Thank you, Alice. I-I worked hard on it and I think I'm ready to publish – so I think I'm going to head out to Seattle next weekend. I've got a bit of tweaking and stuff to do before it's really ready –"

"Oh, Bella you have to let me see it!" Alice gushed. I think that she was trying harder than she needed to get my mind off of the problem at hand, i.e. "Mike, my dead husband." I was just relieved that she was finally backing off that subject – it was too painful for even me to think about and now, finally having something to focus on, things would be better. Although, thinking of the novel inevitably made me think of him, but that was something that I would have to learn to cope with. I was living in his house after all – and I still had that dang picture of him up in my room, only reminding me of just how beautiful and perfect he was – gosh, I sounded like a mooning idiot. Probably one of the reasons he decided to disappear – so he wouldn't have to deal with my stupid self all the time. I almost didn't blame him. Almost.

"I can't let you see it, Alice, because it's, well, it's private. You can see it later, after I've got it published and I'm not so shy about it." What I really meant was, "After I'm done pining over the guy I wrote about it, you'd 've loved him, except for the part where he's a ghost and he doesn't ever want to speak to me again." I nearly cried at that thought.

"Fine, fine, Bella. But in the mean time, I think you should hang out with me and Jasper more. He's got some really wonderful friends that I think you'd love to meet and that way we can all keep you company. You don't have to be alone, Bella. I'm here for you. Always." She squeezed our clasped hands and I squeezed back, to let her know that I knew she was there for me.

I let her spend the night there, in the house, because I couldn't give her a good enough impression that I was alright. She was so worried she had me on my toes. I was going to have to start acting better or she'd never leave. As much as I loved her as a friend, I knew that I needed to be alone more. That way I could deal with this problem, the break-up that she knew nothing about. It was hard enough already, pretending I was moping about Mike. I was just surprised she hadn't seen through that one already. I was such a bad liar.

She was sleeping in the guestroom just down the hall. After saying good night, I squared my shoulders, marched into my room and kept my eyes down-faced while getting ready for bed. I didn't have the heart to look at Edward's portrait – for I knew it would make me cry – but I didn't have the strength to move it either. Like it or not, he still meant to much to me to move – and secretly I still had hope that sometime soon he'd realize that he had made a mistake and would show himself to me again. If I removed the portrait, he might think that I had agreed with him and decided to move on. As if I could ever do that…

Curling up beneath my coverlet, I faced the window, but I could still feel the eyes of Edward staring down on me from the wall. It felt like a rhino was boring into my back, a painfully slow impalement, but nevertheless, I managed to fall asleep. More dreams of Edward. I woke up gasping again, but I kept quiet enough for Alice not to hear – it was still very early in the morning. Resigning myself to the fact that I couldn't fall asleep again, I just lay in bed, watching the sun slowly light up the sky. Beautiful, even in the midst of my depression.

_____________________

I spent the week totally focused on work and putting the finishing touches on the book. Alice would invite me over every night to her and Jasper's flat. It was the first time I'd ever been there and I got the grand tour on Monday. It was a nice, fairly large flat and Alice was ecstatic about it. Jasper was quiet as always, but his friends certainly were not. His friends, a couple – Rose and Emmett, were some of the loudest people I'd ever met.

Rose, or Rosalie, was devastatingly beautiful, blonde, and tall. She was quite the gossip, and she and Alice seemed like the perfect pair. I was not shocked to see them together, just shocked that Rosalie was at all interested in befriending me. She was very kind, though slightly intimidating, but we both seemed to grow more accustomed and friendly to each other as the week progressed. Emmett, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter.

He was large, he was muscular, and he was the biggest teddy-bear of a man I'd ever met. Alice had informed me previously that he was an enthusiastic friend, loyal, and entirely devoted to Rosalie. The both of them repaired cars in their own shop just down the street from the bookshop where I worked. Emmett, though the friendliest man you could meet, was entirely protective of his friends and could be, Alice informed me, extremely scary when he was angry, though she'd never seen him so. Apparently it took a lot to get Emmett down. Alice was sure, then, that meeting Emmett would help put the life back into me.

Emmett, the first time we met, wrapped me up in his large, muscular arms, and gave me the tightest hug I'd ever received. It felt…nice…like I was completely safe. It was almost as comforting a feeling as if you were a baby, wrapped up in a mother's womb – protected, warm, safe. Emmett, without further ado, spent the rest of the evening trying to get me to laugh – and much to my surprise, he succeeded. And henceforth, my nights were no longer lonely and depressed. I spent each one with this new set of friends and they all somehow managed to prop me up, keep me grounded and from sinking into the earth, swallowed by sadness.

At times, I'd still feel that pang in my chest, reminding me that nothing was solved, nothing was right – there was still something, someone, missing to make me whole, but now, with Emmett and Rosalie and Jasper and Alice, I was able to move forward instead of staying where I was. I was able to be distracted.

Every night, though, I'd let myself sink, let the pain take over, the sadness wash in. I'd fall into bed, short of breath, gasping for air, while he bored holes in my back from where he hung on the wall. I spent the rest of the night with my hand clutching my chest, trying to keep it together, while I slept. I always woke up crying, reaching out to the fading Edward of my dreams. I prayed for Friday to come – for Seattle. My trip was something to look forward to, a break in the monotony of the weekday. Who knew, maybe, perhaps, with a book published, I might find a way to bring Edward back into my life. It was wishful thinking, but if there was any way that I could make myself more approachable to Edward, he might be pulled in. It was a hope that was keeping me alive.

Playlist

Someday – The Strokes

Please Do Not Go – Violent Femmes

From Black to Blue – Yo La Tengo

Caring is Creepy – The Shins

I Made A Resolution – The Wolf

So, there it is. Next chapter, I think will possibly be up soon. I'm hoping. Please comment or review how you liked the chapter, the story, anything. Cheers, you all!