The quiet cabin was dark and still, dimly lit only by blue moonlight filtering in through the windows. A rectangular patch of pale blue light graced the sheets draped over a sleeping figure, breathing steadily. A slighter figure appeared from the shadows in the corner, barely taking steps to approach the bed, still half shrouded in darkness.
The sleeping man jerked awake, perhaps alerted to the other presence in the room. He blinked his blue eyes groggily, trying to focus on the dark figure in the corner.
"Nico?" he asked uncertainly.
The boy fixed him with a stare; a painful, childlike vulnerability in his face. "Are you real?" he asked in a wondering voice. The half whispered question held an undercurrent of throbbing uncertainty. He looked and sounded, for all the world, exactly like a child whose foundations had been shaken to the very core, keenly aware of the ground crumbling beneath his feet. Knowing everything around him could break and fall away at a moments notice. His eyes were wide as the moon, dimly gleaming with reflected light. But they looked more like the moon's reflection in water, shaky and so easily dissolvable like only one drop could shatter their image.
Jason stretched an arm out on impulse, eyebrows knitting together in concern but before he could coax the figure closer, the boy stepped backwards and disappeared into the shadows.
Jason blinked and a wave of sleepiness overpowered him. His eyes closed and his head tilted back as he succumbed to Hypnos' charms.
They took him to a carnival. It was a blur of pink cotton candy, bright rainbow canopies and crowds of smiling faces. The sun shined from a cloudless sky, bathing everything in a soft morning light. Children ran everywhere, decked in face paintings, clutching cones of cotton candy or popcorn or ice cream. Laughter rang through the air, interrupted every few minutes by the "dings" and electronic music of game booths and thrill rides.
The three boys leisurely strolled down a path lined with stands. Jason decked out like a male model with shades, a light blue short sleeve shirt and khaki shorts. Percy similarly dressed in a polo shirt and blue and white striped shorts patterned with tiny skulls. He flashed a smile at a trio of girls who giggled and blushed as they passed. Nico walked in the middle, donning a simple light grey t-shirt and navy cotton shorts, licking at an ice cream cone Jason had bought him.
"Here." Percy stopped in front of a water gun stand. He looked at Nico. "I'm going to win you that giant ass whale," he said pointing to a large stuffed whale hanging from the ceiling. "To keep you company on nights when I'm not there," he teased. Nico gave him an unimpressed look and the boy winked.
"Do it Percy," Jason said as the boy sat on the stool and took aim. The two watched his progress, Nico licking his ice cream, until a "ding" was sounded. Percy stood as the man behind the counter handed him the stuffed animal and then turned and handed it to Nico.
"Thanks," Nico said as he tucked the whale underneath his arm.
Jason looped his arm through Nico's. "Let's go on the Tilt-A-Whirl."
"No, the water slide-"
"That one," Nico said, pointing. They followed his finger to twin parallel towers connected at the top by a seemingly thin elastic rope tied to a small passenger car in the center. As they watched, the car sprang 200 feet in the air until it hit the end of its tether and bounced back to the ground. Even from here they could hear the screaming. Percy and Jason locked eyes over Nico's head and slowly smiled.
Hours later the boys sat in a car on top of a Ferris wheel, gazing out at the fair ground and the rainbow in the distance.
It was quiet… up here. And a gentle wind whistled through the car, rustling the ends of their hair. Percy put an arm around his shoulders and Nico turned and looked at his eyes. The boy smiled and leaned Nico's head down to rest on his shoulder.
Later, the son of Hades would fall asleep on the car ride home and Percy and Jason would play rock-paper-scissors over who got to carry him back to his cabin. Percy won and he carried the sleeping boy all the way to cabin thirteen and straight into bed, tucking his whale in with him. He brushed a few strands of hair off Nico's face and kissed his forehead before turning to leave, shutting the door softly on his way out.
Jason pushed him gently back to recline on the bed and Nico felt butterflies soar through his stomach. He blushed.
Oh this was so stupid. They'd made out plenty of times before, why was he getting so nervous now? He'd always been able to retain his composure; his signature "I'm only tolerating this" attitude in these situations but now…. Just because he'd realized his feelings….
Jason detached his lips. "Is something wrong?" he asked peering down at Nico.
"No," he responded tightly with a strange mix of defensiveness and forced nonchalance. Did that sound weird? Why couldn't he make his voice normal? And how was he supposed to respond anyway? Wait, shouldn't he have been griping about being forced to do this? Did he just give himself away?
Jason studied his abnormally alert eyes. Nico looked nervous though he couldn't tell why. After a second the boy looked off to the side, a pale pink blush suffusing his cheeks.
Jason's lips curved up. He didn't know why Nico was being so shy but it was a rare adorable sight nonetheless. He leaned back down.
Nico sat on the roof of his cabin, watching Percy and Jason in the distance, and marveled at how he had never thought of this as a hiding place before. What can he say? He wasn't used to looking to high places.
Nico watched them and tried to picture the boys without Nico. What if he just took himself out of the equation? What if Percy and Jason just ended up together, a normal couple? The thought made him profoundly sad. More than sad, it made him feel abandoned. Nico shuddered. He'd been abandoned one too many times in his life. If Percy and Jason were to do that to him, it would crush him. But at least he could take some solace in the fact that they'd be happy together.
Then Nico tried to picture the boys with another person. What if he were replaced? Unexpectedly, the thought caused blood to run hot and rapid through his veins. It was too painful to even linger on. His entire mind rejected the idea which filled him up with such startling fury. Nico watched the grass edging around his cabin turn black and die. The strength of his own reaction shocked him. He was… jealous. Murderously jealous at the thought of someone else with his Percy and Jason.
He was jealous and he'd called them "his." These facts only lent themselves to one conclusion.
Nico swung his feet and pondered this thing called love. There were many ways to look at it, many different definitions. Was it all biological? Just the siren call of mating, and evolution, and chemicals like serotonin and oxytocin making him feel all these things? Was his brain just tricking him into assigning deeper meanings to feelings that were nothing more than the product of chemical reactions? But all emotions were the products of chemical reactions.
And when he thought about love, about the love he felt for his mother and for his sisters, he knew that love was real and true. No hormonal reactions and scientific explanations, just the deep and true bond of family.
It wasn't solely evolution and survival, he loved Hazel even though they hadn't grown up together.
There were a million studies debunking love. Explaining away the feelings in our hearts through scientific calculations, chemical formulas and cold logic. We are nothing more than molecules floating in a void….
Percy and Jason…. Nico didn't want to mate with them- he couldn't produce offspring with them. That could be just his brain being messed up and not realizing he could never reproduce with men. The same flaw in his brain which made him reject women.
But he didn't want to think of that part of himself. He'd long given up analyzing his preferences.
Nico watched as Percy sprayed Jason with water down by the river. The two boys laughed and Nico smiled.
Then there was Romance. This… whole world full of candy boxes, red hearts, lingerie and TV specials. Was that love? Was it a part of love? Could it really be packaged so neatly in mass produced boxes and little blue pills?
Advertisements, escort services, …sex toys; they all made the concept so dirty.
How could it be love if people could make profit off of it? Diamond rings were a sham; weddings were expensive excuses to show off. The perennial husband complaining about his wife in a bar.
Nico had never wanted to get married. The only rings he'd be buried with were the ones around his eyes.
He thought about the myriad of songs, books, poetry that had all been written about love. Were they exaggerating for effect or were they close representations of what love had felt like to those people? Maybe love was different for everyone.
Nico watched Percy and Jason playing in the water and he thought about their shared meals. He thought about Jason supporting him in the House of Hades. He thought about Percy protecting him from a manticore. He thought about the way Jason had given his claw machine prize to some kids at the carnival or the way Percy had smiled at him and invited him to sit with him at the dining pavilion for the first time.
He thought about these things and a powerful feeling rose up inside him. It caused a lump to form in his throat. This feeling, it was too powerful to have been made up. It was so powerful it had to have come from outside him, from outside his control. And really, love was outside of anyone's control. Suddenly, he didn't blame those scientists for trying to pinpoint love, they were really just trying to understand it.
He thought about Jason and he thought about Percy, these dazzling beings. They weren't gods but they were amazing in their humanness, in their humanity. The way Percy would stop to help the smallest sea animal trapped in a net or the way Jason would be nice to the lowest losers in camp, the kid no one wanted. They were humble yet so strong. Nico had witnessed how strong they could be, enduring endless hardships and trials but still remaining so kind and good. Not like Nico who had grown bitter with the world. Although he had enough perspective now to admit he had endured many traumas at a much younger age.
So love, therefore, was the amalgamation of a million abstract moments. Like a stained glass window, it was only when the miniscule parts fit together that they could form the complete, breathtaking picture. And it felt so pure, so beautiful. It was truly the most beautiful thing in the world. How could he have ever run from this? How could anyone think this was wrong?
And in that moment, Nico was sure, there was no way anything this good could ever be wrong.
Percy glanced in his direction and Nico straightened, wondering if he'd been seen… but no, he hadn't. Nico got up and was about to go over to meet them when a young girl by the hearth caught his eye. She laughed at something a younger boy said, her dark hair swinging through the air as she twirled. Slowly, he sat back down again.
Nico looked at his hands folded in his lap. Love could also be dangerous. He knew firsthand just how painful love could be. His arm still throbbed at the memory of Cupid's arrow sinking into it. If he were truly to start something with Percy and Jason, it would be leaving him wide open and vulnerable. He wasn't naïve enough to think they didn't already have a hold on his heartstrings but there was a difference between grudgingly tolerating one's affections and actively inviting them. He wanted to believe they'd never leave him but he'd been betrayed, deceived and hurt so many times… his heart felt too scarred to trust. Nico squinted at the horizon. There were a million ways he could lose them. But… if he never tried, it would be like he lost them already.
He stood up on the roof. Nico was a pessimist through and through. He'd always expected the worst to happen because it usually did, one horror show after another. But maybe it didn't have to be like that. He could give love and life a shot. He could be happy and lead a full, meaningful life like the kind you only hear about and- and maybe everything would be okay if he just let it be.
Nico hesitated, staring at the boys again. He was about seventy percent sure of his decision. Seventy-five. His body was tense and wired tight, nervousness seeping beneath his skin. But he'd made his choice. He turned and descended the ladder to his cabin, intent on joining the two heroes.