xXx
To play pretend. From time to time it can be nice to close one's eyes and think of an alternate universe, one where there's more respect and appreciation, or simply one where mothers in law are pleasant people and men notice when their wives wear something new. One can dream, they say…
Actually, there's more: one can study political science and discover that if one can convince themselves of the alternate universe, that alternate universe might become reality. This is what scholars call a self-fulfilling prophecy. Agreed, if one looks up that term, it's hardly ever used in positive context, but one can choose to ignore that. Let's play pretend.
xXx
It's spiraling down
Biting words like a wolf howling
xXx
Three months earlier
"It's silent," Sophie noted out loud, swinging her feet over the side of her chair.
Her parents shot a quick glance at her, but resumed their occupations without forming a response.
"Lucia in my class has a sister, she always has someone to play with. It's never silent," Sophie remarked, watching her father who was busy making dinner.
"I like silence from time to time," Damon replied calmly, stirring the sauce he was preparing.
"I want a sister too," the little girl informed her parents nonetheless.
Katherine dropped the clothes she'd been folding on the kitchen table. "You don't," she retorted.
"I do!" Sophie disagreed.
"No you don't. Brothers and sisters take all the attention away from you, they will break your toys and make you miserable. You do not want a brother a or sister," Katherine argued.
Damon rolled his eyes at his wife. "Soph, parents can't really choose when and if they have a baby. Plus you never know if you'll get a brother or a sister and I don't think 'trying until it works' is a good approach here," he joked with a wink, "Imagine a house with five boys and not a single sister…" he mused.
"A brother is good too," Sophie replied. "Then he can play the daddy for my dolls," Sophie mused.
"There's one very unhealthy concept," Katherine retorted sardonically.
"And here I thought you had selected me as Olaf's father," Damon quickly intervened.
"No, you're his grandfather and mommy is his grandmother," Sophie explained. Katherine's face turned pale and Damon laughed out loud at his wife befuddled expression.
"Sweetheart, I am not yet 25 that is two decades too young to be anyone's grandmother!" she stipulated with vigour.
Sophie pouted. "Fine, than aunt Caroline can be grandma," she relented.
"That's equally perverted as-"
"Katherine, she's FOUR!" Damon effectively shut his wife up. "Don't be dramatic."
"Not possible," Katherine spoke determined.
"Then save the drama for story-time," he suggested.
Katherine rolled her eyes.
"Mommy, where do babies come from?" Sophie suddenly wondered out loud.
"They pop out of the gates of heaven, in a very painful and unceremonious way I might add," Katherine started.
Damon snickered upon seeing the confusion in his daughter's eyes, she was over a decade too young to get the metaphor. Luckily. "Gates of heaven, huh?" Damon repeated amused with his eyebrows raised in a comical way.
"What?" Katherine demanded. "I've never heard you complain," she taunted, arrogance dripping from her statement and the accompanying smirk.
Her husband's eyes widened and slid to Sophie, his cheeks slightly flushed.
"You grew in my tummy, darling," Katherine explained to her confused daughter.
The little girl tilted her head sideways with wide eyes. "How did I get in there?" she inquired astonished.
"You were a lot smaller and less chatty back then," Katherine clarified.
"But how? Was it magic?" the four-year-old wanted to know.
"If it's with me, it's always magic," Katherine whispered her daughter's way.
Damon blinked, trying to steer the conversation in a different way. "Objections, love?" Katherine questioned haughtily.
Her husband opened his mouth to comment and Katherine instantly regretted her choice of words, remembering the ridiculous romantic connotations her husband connected to the word 'magic'.
"No, you don't get to object," she silenced him immediately. "It's not like our agreement serves some kind pubescent romantic fantasy," she voiced sternly, giving him a meaningful look. She made her way toward the living room. "I assume you can handle this conversation?" It was a rhetorical question before she closed the door behind her. They were a healthy and functional couple. Of course they were. Let's play pretend.
xXx
Hate is spitting out each other's mouths
But we're still sleeping like we're lovers
xXx
Two fingers expertly unbuttoned his pants as Damon closed his eyes to avoid the smirk on his wife's face. She was gorgeous by any standards, red lipstick and red lace. Katherine was a wet dream, any man's fantasy… Yet what men tend to forget when they flip through exciting magazines, is that those women they love to watch, won't ever hold them close at night. They can lift you up and they can bring you to the stars, but then you'll be unceremoniously dropped back into reality, into a cold bed. Alone.
Even after all these years, Damon still didn't understand women's perpetual vicious and cornered response toward guys watching porn. Wasn't it common knowledge yet that guys knew the women in those pictures would never caress their cheeks gingerly or eye them like the universe revolved around them? And men did need that. Damon needed that. He'd been fooling himself for years thinking an exquisite physical fling would sustain him all his life. These days the smirk that used to arouse him was the biggest turn-off in his book. They'd done hot and erotic, hard, fast, kinky… They had tried it all. 'Well how about tender?', Damon couldn't help but wonder. How about 'til kingdom come?
With two hands sliding down, Damon reached his wife's fingers and enveloped them. He entwined hers with his and guided their hands closely between his body and hers, effectively drawing Katherine in until she had no choice but to rest upon his chest. She hastily broke their connection and dropped back to her initial position beside him. "Damon," she sighed irritated.
"Yeah," Damon replied softly.
"You know what…" Katherine insisted aggravated.
"But I want more," Damon voiced hesitantly.
"You're not a teenage girl," Katherine mocked.
"No, I'm your husband," Damon retorted.
"We are not that kind of couple," Katherine argued.
"What if I want us to be?" Damon mused.
Katherine turned her head toward her husband and met his eyes, "That's doesn't magically happen, Damon…" Katherine tried to ground him softly. "We never loved each other like that, we're friends…"
Damon swallowed, hard. He knew. Deep down he had known all along that Katherine had never fallen in love with him, just like he'd never fallen in love with her, but to hear those words out loud was eerily disillusioning.
"What will it take for you to let me hold you?" Damon wondered out loud.
"Hold me how?" Katherine inquired puzzled.
"C-, close," Damon drew hesitantly, his eyes conveying what that word implied.
Katherine shuttered involuntarily. Her eyes left no doubt about the mental discomfort the conversation was immersing her in. "Chloroform," she deadpanned quickly.
Damon shook his head exasperated, rubbing the nape of his neck absentmindedly. "Then what are we doing?" he whispered hoarsely, his eyes void of their usual light.
"We are raising a daughter and we are not alone…" Katherine mused softly.
"It's not enough…" Damon uttered, it wasn't a wish as much as a sudden observation.
"It's all I've got," Katherine informed him wistfully.
"Because we've never tried," Damon started. "Neither of us ever believed in more, then how could it have possibly worked? Maybe if we cut out the sarcasm and the irony every once in a while and be normal, I could hold you… you know. I could-, care," Damon voiced, even though the words sounded awkward and foreign to his own ears. Let's play pretend.
"Damon Salvatore and Katherine Pierce, cuddling and in love…" his wife mused. "Please tell me that sounds as weird to you as it does to me?" she mocked playfully.
Damon blinked, unsure of how to answer. "We do care, Damon," Katherine stated meaningfully, as it dawned on her that this was not something Damon could let go. "We just care in a different way," she amended, her fingers were already trailing back to his waistline.
If he could only kiss her in a way that would get her blood truly pumping, touch her in ways that wouldn't just arouse her but warm her enough to unfreeze her… He couldn't voice those thoughts out loud though, since he knew she didn't appreciated anything cheesy. Still, desperate times… Damon turned them over so he was leaning above her, he held her hands connected with his above her head. There she lay, defenceless, eyes questioning. Gingerly, Damon whispered a kiss onto the sensitive skin between the red lace. Her chest. His eyes met hers.
"Sometimes I wish that could thaw your heart," he whispered.
"What heart?" Katherine huffed, shuffling out from underneath him. The look she gave him was one of utter disappointment. They were done for the night.
xXx
Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating
xXx
Present day
"You can't ever leave again," Damon whispered against her skin.
"I-" Elena didn't finish her sentence, she just held him closely.
"I can't stay here forever either," Elena voiced barely above a whisper, stopping the debate in her head.
"What do you mean?" Damon inquired hoarsely.
She had to be honest. It would be quite unforgivable for her to hide the truth once more after her first attempt to protect Damon without his knowledge and, more importantly, against his will. It wasn't her job to shelter him, it was her job to be trustworthy. The issue was fairly simple now: had she learned her lesson or not?
Damon had a right to know this time. Damon had a right to have a say. Moreover Damon had the right to ask for her loyalty, this time the decision had to be his. The correct approach was simple. Simple even though it wasn't easy. Honesty. Damon needed her. This was her chance to prove herself.
Or not.
"Sophie misses her mother," Elena began. "She asked for my phone to call her," she admitted, deciding not to beat around the bush.
"She did?" Damon asked incredulously.
Elena nodded.
"Damn."
Damon rose to his feet, slightly dazed. He seemed to move aimlessly before standing still in front of the great living room window. "Damn," he whispered again, running his hand through his raven hair as he allowed Elena's words to sink in.
"Does that surprise you?" Elena tried tentatively.
Damon shook his head, staring straight ahead into the invisible garden. Elena watched how he opened his mouth and closed it again, Damon himself wasn't even aware of his reflection in the window.
"I tried," he voiced after a moment. "I. Tried. Like. Hell." He shook his head and paused before continuing. "Sophie might not have been part of a plan, but the second I held her in my arms every priority shifted. You can't imagine how profoundly it alters your life… but the day you become a parent, that's your first responsibility: being a parent." He held his head up higher again, gazing into the distance.
"I spent six years with a woman I did not love and I haven't brought a single woman to my bedroom ever since she left. The past weeks, I've had no social life, I haven't gotten drunk, I haven't gone out. Nothing. I was always here, tucking Sophie in, because she can't sleep when I'm not in the same house…" Damon's voice trailed off and Elena watched him pained, rising to her feet once it dawned on her that he wasn't coming back.
"No deep conversation, no venting about my day, I've spent my weeks waking up at 2AM to change the covers of her wet bed with a comforting smile, because that's my job, Elena, to protect my daughter. And now you're telling me in no mistakable terms that I can't? It doesn't matter whether I bend myself over backwards, does it? It takes two parents to build her a home, but only one to mess it all up!" Damon ranted, rubbing his fingers harder until the back of his neck turned bright red.
"Damon, the fact that Katherine isn't here does not diminish what you mean to your daughter, or how important your care toward her has been. Quite the contrary actually," Elena voiced softly, moving to stand next to him. "You can't shelter Sophie from all the pain in the world, it's an impossible mission."
"Well, I can try," Damon snapped, the tremor in his voice unmistakable. Elena had no quick retort causing silence to fill the room. Damon closed his eyes momentarily. For the first time in ages he felt vulnerable. He didn't need that. It was ironic how for
he'd assumed that these were the moments when he longed most for Elena, and now she was finally there he felt uncomfortable losing control in front of her. He tilted his head away from her, blocking her out. If he didn't see her than she wasn't there. They weren't there. Let's play pretend.
Nothing could block her out though, he felt her presence, felt her patience. He felt her calm and caring eyes on him, waiting for him to recover. His teeth gritted together, but then he swallowed, losing the final snippet of control over his façade. He pressed the back of his fingers painfully hard to his mouth, attempting to stifle any possible sound, yet his intake of air broke the silence, giving him away.
The hands that rose, rubbing his eyes red, weren't too subtle either. Damon silently hoped that it could be passed off as him being tired, still he refused to meet Elena's eyes in the reflection in the window. She would know. He knew she would. The worst part was that this wasn't him, this was not what he wanted her to see after a decade of separation. He was strong and brave, he single-handedly ran his family, and a great part of Ric's company. Damon Salvatore hadn't shed a tear since his daughter's birth.
When Damon felt Elena's hand search for his, he quickly pulled it out of reach, they weren't doing that. He wasn't allowing it.
"Damon, it's ok." Elena whispered. Damon gave no reply, not trusting his voice. He shook his head curtly and regained control over his breathing. There. Nothing happened. Let's play pretend.
"Damon, look at me…" Elena requested softly. "Please, face me…"
Damon locked his law.
"Damon, we've wasted so much time already. This will never work if you can't trust me. There is no bad blood between us, neither of us said or did anything regretful tonight… This is the point where you choose how the evening will end…" Elena stated determinedly.
Damon tilted his head hesitantly her way, she simply stepped in, allowing him to envelope her in his arms. One of her arms was holding onto his back, while the other rested tenderly on his chest, her head was tucked underneath his chin.
"I'm not usually like this," Damon spoke in his defense.
Elena huffed slightly, shaking her head against his chest. "I already know who you are…" she whispered. "And for the record: I like you like that."
"But I'm honestly not-"
"Sensitive?" Elena completed with her eyebrows raised. When she felt Damon's hands still on her back, she quickly added: "No deep conversation, no venting about your day. You might have taken great care of Sophie the past weeks… months… Damon, but at some point someone has to take care of you too. You deserve a moment to breathe, Damon, otherwise you crash."
"I've missed you," Damon whispered, the words even more true than ever before. As his eyes met hers, all Elena read was sincerity.
"I've missed you too," Elena returned, holding onto him closely.
xXx
Still with feet touching
Still with eyes meeting
Still our hands match
Still with hearts beating
xXx
In the meantime on the other side of town
It was almost ten o'clock in the evening by the time Elijah finally closed his office door. It was the evening before a long weekend, yet he'd been working late again. His company was working on an important court case and there was a lot of work to be done. Naturally, as CEO of his own company, it was well within Elijah's power to push the late nights onto someone else. He wasn't that kind of boss though. Since he demanded respect from his employees, he saw it as his primary objective to be worthy of that respect.
"Miss, I'm going to have to alert the police now," Elijah heard his guard, Felix, warn in the distance as he approached the hallway.
"Miss, if you don't stop NOW-," Felix announced. Suddenly there was the clicking of high heels moving fast, coming his way, followed by heavy footsteps trying to catch up. Elijah stopped and patiently waited around the corner. The second the footsteps reached him, he stepped forward, blocking the way.
A young woman stumbled and Elijah caught her by the arm, keeping her from falling. She regained balance disoriented. "Are you alright?" Elijah asked politely.
The woman nodded and Felix pulled out his phone. "I'm calling the cops," he announced.
"No! Please don't!" the woman pleaded. Felix didn't pay attention to her wailing.
"I have a child, I'm in a divorse, I'll lose custody!" The woman quickly announced panicked. "Please, Sir," she practically begged Elijah. He held his hand up for Felix to stop dialling.
"Who are you?" The confused CEO questioned.
"Euhm… Stella Van Pelt," the woman announced.
Elijah pulled his phone out and typed the name in. "Wrong. Now try for a name with a matching Facebook profile picture," he demanded unimpressed.
"Lucia Pierce," Katherine stated, after which a screen with an unrecognizable profile picture was pushed into her hands. "Log in," the man in front of her ordered.
"What?" she questioned.
"You just broke in, you tried to run once already. If you manage to escape, I'll need your identity. So either you find a proper way to identify yourself, like a profile with a picture of you, you have the password to, or I have no option but to alert the authorities," Elijah explained. "And duly note that you better get it right this time, one more lie and your borrowed time is up. Are we clear on that miss-"
"Pierce-," the woman in front of him reluctantly admitted. "Katherine Pierce-Salvatore."
The CEO nodded and extended his hand. "Elijah Mikaelson, nice to meet you," he spoke, his tone even slightly amused.
"Sure," Katherine replied, eying him wearily. She'd read somewhere that Elijah was a man of principles, one of those principles was his profound belief in second chances. Meeting his kind, yet determined eyes, she found herself wondering how far that curtsey extended.
"Mister Mikaelson, I'm not sure this is a good idea," Felix told him boss anxiously.
"Neither am I, Felix," Elijah commented dryly, "but without faith in humanity, this world is becoming increasingly more hostile. Let's hear her out, shall we?" he suggested. Before even turning around he could feel Katherine's smirk behind him. "Yet we'd be fools to blindly trust those who break the law. So be warned Miss Pierce, my patience is wearing thin, and if your explanation is not truthful and expedient you will leave me no choice but to alert the authorities. Do you understand?" he spoke thoughtfully, only turning his visitor's way when announcing the last line.
Katherine nodded, slightly taken aback by the formality with which he spoke. It was soon becoming clear to her that Mister Mikaelson's principles would not always work in her favour.
"Very well then, after you," he spoke, waving his hand in front of his body to signal the right direction. It didn't escape Katherine how this conveniently placed him between her and the only available exit.
xXx
It's spiraling down
Biting words like a wolf howling
xXx
"Better?" Elena questioned softly, taken the empty glass of water away from Damon and back onto the table. Damon nodded. They were sitting next to one another in the sofa. Damon's hand was resting behind Elena's back, barely touching her shoulder.
"Please tell me you're not serious about stepping aside just because of Katherine," Damon suddenly inquired, the thought had been haunting him ever since she told him about Sophie. "Am I mistaken when I assumed you were going to give this a try?"
When no reply came, Damon's eyes grew weary, "Elena?" he called her attention.
"It's not that simple," Elena argued. "I don't think you understand…" she added much softer.
"And I think you think too much. There is nothing to understand," Damon retorted. "Katherine left weeks ago, what kind of doting mother would do that do her child? And even if she plans on returning, we are never ever getting back to getter," Damon stressed.
A small smile played across Elena's lips. "What?" Damon demanded confused.
"Nothing… You just- well you just quoted Taylor Swift," she informed him.
Damon rolled his eyes at her and pulled her close, until her shoulder shifted in front of his and he had her leaning against his chest. A deep sigh escaped Elena's lips and she sank deeper into him, breathing in his scent as it enveloped her.
"You're not stepping aside," Damon stated softer. It wasn't a question this time and Elena allowed the statement to linger for a few more seconds. Let's play pretend.
"When I was fifteen my parents broke up…" Elena broke the silence. "They broke up because a woman I never knew nor met decided to persuade my father into cheating on my mom," she continued. "I don't know how long they were together, but she kept seeing him during my mother's pregnancy and even after I was born, all because she wanted to have what my mother had. In the end everyone ended up tortured and alone. I will not be that woman, I never planned on stealing Katherine's life," Elena mused.
"Don't you see that you did not? If anything, she took what could have been yours. You were first!" Damon argued.
"No, I messed up first. There's a different. Katherine was your wife for six years, and she's been a mother to Sophie-"
"She has n-"
"Damon, I know you," Elena broke off his protest. "If she truly threatened Sophie's happiness at any point you would have never stayed with her. The fact that you two never separated only proves that you thought Sophie needed her in her life," Elena quickly brought in.
"So I should be stuck in a loveless marriage forever then? And you'll just leave as you did before?" Damon questioned incredulously.
"I won't be the woman that forces herself upon a child. I'm not going to play house and pretend like Katherine does not exist. I know how it works, two people fall in love and then decide that the children have to get with the program. It's not enough, it's not that simple. No matter how much I'll care about her or she'll care about me, it won't change the fact that a part of her will miss Katherine. I wish my best intentions would be enough here, but they're not, Damon… Not in this case." Elena whispered.
"Then what is, huh?" Damon wanted to know.
"Talking openly about her mother, giving her a chance to process what's happening. Censorship has no place in a home, Damon, and neither does denigration. Do you have any idea what your vicious comments about Katherine are doing to your daughter? Indoctrination is not a part of parenting, Damon. Be her father, trust her to make up her own mind…"
"And what do you suggest I do when Katherine breaks her?" Damon questioned, raising his voice.
"Then you'll be there to pick her up and wipe the tears away," Elena said simply. "And you will know that you tried," she added softly.
Damon shook his head mechanically, he knew she wasn't taunting him. This was what she truly believed. A conviction, sturdily anchored in her past. "It's not fair," he mused.
"But it is the right thing to do," the woman he loved spoke. As hard as the words hit him, as soft were her fingers trailing over his skin. Deep down he knew that in her heart she felt the same way he did. In their hearts there were no more complications, merely patience and longing for the moment they'd figure it out. Damon kissed her shoulder, tenderly wiping her hair to the side with his fingers. "We'll figure it out," he promised. "This time we will."
xXx
To play pretend, it's not unhealthy. Moreover, it's a valid research method in comparative politics, although they call it 'counterfactuals' there to make it sound more sciency. "What if Machiavelli had never been born? What if Hitler had been aborted?"
It can be good to play pretend. It can give you new insights or just some momentary peace of mind. It can be a wonderful escapism to close one's eyes and fall asleep in a new world. The only relevant issue is whether or not you're able to open up your eyes and deal with reality again.
xXx
Two feet standing on a principle
Two hands longing for each other's warmth
Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go
xXx