Chapter XIV
Wutai Take-out
"How can we call ourselves the Wutai underground if we don't go underground?" - Yuffie
"You know, brat? Every time I save your life I live to regret it. It doesn't take long either. Here it is, not half an hour after I retrieved your nearly lifeless corpse from Reno's grasp, and you're making me walk through an endless maze of sewers."
Don't have a cow, Barret," Yuffie said. "The nuns can't eat beef."
"Not true," said Juria, treading behind. "We simply prefer a traditional diet of fish and rice."
"Fish and rice. Such a choice, your Wutai food," Barret said.
"With a variety of tasty sauces."
"What I would give for a juicy steak right about now."
"We're going to eat just as soon as we're done," Yuffie said.
"Does the restaurant have a dress code? As in, no one who just crawled out of the sewer?"
"Relax, big fella. It's only a storm sewer. Wutai has separate pipes for - "
"It's still got rats."
"What do you think they serve in the restaurant?"
Barret whirled and glared.
"Do you want your hand back or not?"
Yuffie held the wrought iron weapon Noriko had presented to her. Oritsuru, sacred temple weapon of Da-Chao. Shinra had once stolen it, along with Godo's personal weapon, the Conformer. Sadly for the thief, he had tried to hide inside Da-Chao's cave, where legend had it Da-Chao's fiery breath turned the thief to ash. Or, Yuffie thought, the fool fell into a crevice and broke his neck. Still, the weapon survived. As Noriko possessed one of the world's two sets of Leviathan Scales, she had managed to brave Da-Chao's fiery wrath and retrieve the weapon. Whatever the story, Yuffie's various materia, Comet, ChocoMog, Leviathan, Transform, and others, glittered in the weapon's sockets.
Noriko had not recovered Godo's Conformer. Yuffie hated the thought of that beautiful piece nailed to the wall in some Shinra stuffed suit's office.
"How do we know that Portek freak is down here?" Barret said.
"He isn't. He's in his safe house with Simon. We take them out and pow, Shinra takes a hit."
"If Reno is lying, I'll shove his Electromag Rod up his - "
"Careful, big fella. Don't give the nuns the wrong idea."
"I gotta say, Mother Noriko is handy with the quarterstaff. Reno will be singing soprano for a week."
"Like I always say," Juria said. "It's not that we don't allow men in our convent. Most men simply prefer to keep their anatomy intact."
Barret said, "Rude surrendered in a hurry. Dropped his gun like it bit him."
"Rude must have some training in the Art. Pity he doesn't use it."
They came to an intersection where Yuffie studied the markings on the wall. "This way." A stone arch bridge led them across the main stream and soon they marched up a dry side passage.
"You sure you know where we're going?" Barret asked.
"Sure. Old Pine Inn."
"We could have walked on the street."
"How can we call ourselves the Wutai underground if we don't go underground?"
"Just get us there, okay?"
On and on they trudged. Barret's mood grew worse and even Yuffie's enthusiasm began to dampen. As for Juria, who could say. She always seemed deep in thought.
Yuffie stopped to examine some more markings. She peered at her map, flicking her hand torch on high for a better view. She folded the map away and turned to Barret.
"I'm afraid I got turned around back there. We're on the wrong side of Wutai."
"What!"
"Just kidding." She smacked him across the back. "We use this ladder right here."
Barret scowled.
"Endure," Juria said. "In enduring, grow strong."
With a grunt, Barret hauled himself up the ladder. The others followed. Barret reached a narrow landing; The ladder continued up to a metal manhole cover in the ceiling; halfway up a black square opened off into a crawl space.
"Which way?" Barret asked.
"The crawlway will lead directly under the inn," Yuffie said.
"I don't like the sound of this." Still, he led the way, sliding his bulky body like a full load of laundry through the square chute.
The shunt slanted upward. Barret swore colorfully and often but he forged on. At a T-intersection he stopped and looked back.
"Right," Yuffie said.
A minute later, Yuffie heard a metallic click and the sound of running water. She braced her arms and legs against the sides of the chute and hoisted her body into the air. Glancing behind, she saw Juria do the same. A hatch above opened to belch a fishy liquid onto Barret's back.
"Arrrgh!"
Yuffie pressed herself against the ceiling as the swill sluiced beneath her.
"I hate fish!" Barret sputtered.
Blood and fish guts swam by beneath her.
"They aren't allowed to dump waste like this," Yuffie said.
"Oh yeah? Well I'm about to give them a goddamn health inspection!"
Barret pointed his gun arm into the low ceiling. Bracing himself as best he could with fish slime sliding off his legs, he jammed his arm upward until the flap broke. With a roar, he burst into the room above.
"Everybody freeze!"
Yuffie heard muffled screams. Metal pans crashed to the floor. Impatient to join the fray, she chafed as Barret's feet blocked the fishy crawl way
"Juria," she said. "Brace yourself as high as you can. I'm going to sluice this."
Another crash, a howl. The rattle of Barret's gun.
"Can you stop him from killing everybody?" Juria said.
"Barret? He's a big Teddy Bear. He only blows up mako reactors."
Yuffie concentrated, hardly daring to breathe. A red materia in her Oritsuru glowed with a pinprick of light. Up ahead, the miniature blue form of Leviathan filled the tunnel before dissolving in a bubbling surge of water. Yuffie moaned with relief after the fish parts washed down out of sight. After the tide receded she collapsed to the damp chute, rubbing her sore muscles.
"Not an orthodox use for summoning magic," Juria said, "but thanks. I did not look forward to crawling through that slop."
"I have this weapon set to do mini-summons by default. Just in case someone like my worthless butler steals it."
"I didn't know you could do that."
"I got the idea while meditating in the dojo. If I could stand post for half an hour until my arms scream loud enough to fall out of their sockets, I could tell my materia to shoot out a tiny burst."
"The river in winter," Juria said. "One of the early lessons we learn in temple. Are you sure you would not like to join our family?"
"Right now I have to stop the big lunk from shooting up the kitchen."
Emerging into the kitchen, Yuffie found the staff lined up against the far wall, some clutching dripping utensils. Upended pans and clumps of rice decorated the tiled floor.
"This here's a health inspection!" The group cringed as Barret yelled. "What is the proper way to dispose of fish!"
"Fish?" A cook with a white muffin cap and a plaid apron turned toward him. "Serve it raw to Shinra Peace Patrol."
Several of the help tittered.
When Yuffie and Juria appeared, the cook's eyes widened.
"Miss Yuffie." He bowed. "How honored I am to be in your presence. Are you here to chain this wild beast who flew out of the drain and shot up my kitchen?"
Yuffie noticed the pockmarks in the ceiling. Contrary to rumor, Wutai built solid buildings; Shinra would shred anything with paper for walls.
"Is that soup for the Shinra creeps?"
The muffin man nodded.
"It could use some rocks."
"Oh yes, Miss Yuffie. Stone soup it is." He nodded at Barret. "May we get back to work now or will this grizzly bear try to maul us?"
Yuffie turned to Barret. "Lower your weapon, big fella. And get that fish head out of your collar. It's against the dress code."
Barret pulled it out and flung it into the soup pot.
The kitchen door burst open, admitting a Shinra sergeant in a magenta suit. "What is all the noise in here? You have a meal to serve - " He gaped when he saw the trio. "A nun? You have a nun in the kitchen?" He gaped even more when someone brained him with a bun spatula.
"Throw his boots in the soup!" This cook enjoyed his job too much. Yuffie made a note never to eat at the Old Pine Inn.
Barret reached down and snagged the officer's gun. "Time to throw out the trash."
"We may need to leave through the disposal," Yuffie said.
"No way in hell."
"Perhaps a disguise?" Juria said. Yuffie noticed Juria took care not to stand close to Barret.
The cook held out a pair of white aprons. "Would you care to serve our guest of honor, Miss Yuffie?"
She draped the apron over herself and donned a white cap. Barret struggled into his apron.
"No need to disguise the nun," the cook said. "But do brush the sticky rice off your habit."
The door flew open again. Two blue Shinra drones rushed in, guns leveled.
"You are late!" One yelled. "You must learn the value of time. Time is gil! Gil is service to company! Honor. Duty. Service!" He suddenly found it hard to shout from inside an upturned stock pot.
The other drone drew down on the cook, earning him a smack in the ear from a trash tamper.
"More boots for the soup," the cook ordered.
"Has the world gone crazy?" Yuffie asked.
"It's you," Juria said. "People believe in you and they will fight for you."
"In other words, yes," Barret said. "The world has gone stark raving mad."
The chef handed a large tureen to Yuffie. "Shinra wants soup served? Serve the captain first." He poured a ladle of soup into an elongated bowl. "Now for the secret spice." He pulled off a guard's sock and dropped it in with a flair, stirring it under the thick cream. "Chef's Sunday surprise. Go." He bowed. Yuffie stepped toward the door, fishy Barret in pursuit.
In the dining hall, rows of wooden tables with long benches swarmed with uniformed soldiers. One of them rose and goose-stepped toward the kitchen. Yuffie raised the soup bowl to shield her face, hoping she still hid the Oritsuru beneath the tray. At the far end of the room - Yuffie had to force herself not to fling the tureen at him - Simon the Sir Groper sat, his smug face grinning so hard it hurt her teeth to look. The seats on either side of him sat empty. She quickened her pace.
Looking back, she spotted Juria and a train of staff carrying more bowls. As Yuffie passed, the standing trooper playfully stuck out a foot. She just as playfully slammed a knee into his groin.
She set the whole tureen in front of Simon, liquid sloshing over the side. "Have a taste of old Wutai."
Hearing her voice, Simon jerked up his head. Yuffie smiled.
"You," he said.
"Yep. Where's that pathetic excuse for a butler? Where's my materia he stole?"
"You. If you disrupt my meeting with Carmine, I'll - "
"Is she your girlfriend? You mean to tell me you can reproduce?"
Simon rose.
Solders as a unit reached for their guns. The kitchen staff melted out of sight, Juria with them. Yuffie hefted her shuriken and activated Leviathan.
The far wall of the room burst open as the huge water snake reared its head. The Shinra minions fired on it, the only move they knew. The wall of water swept the drones from their tables like chips from a roulette table. Barret hugged a pine beam with his good arm, holding his gun arm out of the water. By the time the wave reached Yuffie and Simon it had spent its wrath, though it still managed to dump the soup bowl into Simon's lap.
A few troops rallied and raised their weapons. Barret thrust his arm around the pillar and fired. While Shinra regulars wore enough body armor to make Barret's wimpy bullets an annoyance, the barrage still made them keep their heads down lest he catch them in the neck or so. Behind Barret the kitchen doors reopened, staff charging out armed with heavy utensils. Like a storm they fell on the minions. Yuffie kicked weapons away from their groaning owners and soon they had a pile of guns in the middle of the room.
A few stray troops tried to dart from the room. One aimed a shot at Juria. Yuffie flattened him with a Bolt spell. As she turned, Simon slipped out the to the foyer.
"Oh, no you don't." She lunged, catching his elbow.
"Let go, you slut."
"I'm actually a virgin." She smacked the flat of her Oritsuru across his back. "Not that I'd even let you near my cats."
"You're starting to piss me off," he said.
"Only starting?" She kneed his stomach. "That's for the punches at Ichiro's bar." Stomping his foot, she kneed him again. "That's for spoiling their flower domino game."
He grabbed at her but she tore free, giving him a roundhouse kick to send him flailing to the floor. He sprang up; she ducked under his swing but he caught her loose arm. Together they barreled through the feng shui decor like loose lawnmower blades.
Yuffie, whose weapon had bounced free in the corner, ducked as Simon swung a beheaded lamp stand. Her head spun. Tifa did the close in, dirty fighting. Still, she rolled and came up fast, knocked Simon's legs loose, landing knee first on his chest. He croaked out a whoosh of air.
"Where's my traitorous butler, you worthless piece of - "
"Ah, Miss Yuffie, as petulant as ever." The suave voice of Portek came from a doorway, where he leaned, leveling what looked like a bloated shotgun at her. His smile faded. Perhaps from the smell of wet fish as Barret entered the room.
Portek turned to speak to someone behind him. "Dear lady, it appears your protégé has secured the base for the terrorists."
A regal blonde woman, dressed in a gray business suit, walked in flanked by two personal trainers. The dark-haired hunk stood proud and shirtless, showing off surgically implanted pectorals. The sandy blond one just sulked.
Portek grinned. He stroked his shotgun, still trying to appear snooty beside his leading lady, though his dignity suffered from Barret's mechanical hand still clinging to his elbow.
"Carmine," said Juria's low voice.
The woman smiled. "Well, well. A ninja, a terrorist, and a nun walk into a bar. Tell me, who has the punch line?"
Yuffie yanked the still sputtering Simon to his feet. He slumped. She jammed a knee into his back until he straightened.
"You think that will stop Portek from blowing your head off?" Carmine said. "The world is as full of bumbling idiots as it is of brats. We have a thousand Simons within the ranks of Shinra. Now, Hamm and Stu here, they do anything I ask. Don't you?"
"Grr," said her trained hunks.
"Can you say the same about that spiky haired leader of yours? By the way, I have a score to settle with him. It threw my neck out of joint to get Stu's arm reattached."
The sulky hunk winced.
"You fought Cloud?" Yuffie said. "And he let you live?"
"I left him and his skanky bar wench eating dirt. I wanted to attend to that tramp personally but what can you do when business calls?"
Yuffie felt her heart lurch. "What did you do to Tifa?"
Carmine flicked out a pair of gleaming wrist blades. "A little, shall I say, nip and tuck. So. Are you going to surrender or shall I let my pets have their way with you?"
Carmine's boy toys - what had she called them? Pork and Beans? - fanned out, faking apathy as they edged at Yuffie from both sides. In the corner of her eye she saw Juria slink along the wall like a flicker of firelight. Yuffie yanked Simon back, cursing her lack of a weapon. It still lay in the corner, the sharpened tire-iron meters out of reach.
Portek racked the slide on his gun. A blue glowing orb appeared at the end; Yuffie didn't need a gun nut like Vincent to tell her he had no ordinary shotgun.
"Duck!" Yuffie shoved Simon forward and dived to the wall, barely in time to avoid the shards of ice exploding into the room. Frozen daggers tore into her back. Barret swore up a storm behind her. Pork and Beans changed their yells from derision to shock. Yuffie poked her head up to see an untouched Juria standing in the middle of the room, twirling her staff like Aeris on go-juice. Portek and both of Carmine's boys lay moaning on the floor.
"The secret to avoid strife," Juria said, "walk proudly; walk elsewhere." She stepped onto a stone tea table.
"Wha - ?" Yuffie said.
The blond hunk, Beans - no wait, Stu - recovered first. He kicked a chair aside, pushed to his feet and draw his sword. His mako eyes blazed icy blue.
"Say you prayers, pretty one." His gruff voice did not fit his buff exterior. "Your next words will be your last."
The nun raised her staff. "Waiting like winter." Stu charged, his sword blow detaching a chandelier in his leaping windup.
Juria now stood on the opposite tea table. "Moving, a splash of water."
"Splash this!" Stu turned and charged again.
"Striking like thunder." Her staff whistled as she spun in an arc, catching Stu in a hammer blow that sent him reeling to the floor. His sword clattered into a corner.
"I hate it when they damage the merchandise." Carmine reached for Stu's prone form.
Yuffie snatched up her shuriken. "Tidal wave!"
"Why does everyone get that wrong?" Carmine sighed in disgust. "It's called a tsunami, not - oh, bugger." She flung Stu backwards onto Simon, snagged a clueless Portek and slipped through the doorway ahead of the blue wave. Hamm, her upright flunky, staggered after her.
"Ha!" Yuffie wanted to dance with her victory.
With a scream from the dining room, a dozen blue suits stormed through the foyer, followed by a pan wielding cook.
"I said stay out of my kitchen! Did you think you could steal my secret sauce?"
The minions scurried toward the door. A pair of them picked up a cursing Stu while another pair hefted Simon.
"No! You put that trash down."
They ignored Yuffie, slamming the door after them.
"Grrr!" Yuffie looked for something to smash.
"Chill," Barret said, detaching himself from a pillar. Yuffie noticed a benefit to her repeated Leviathan summons: most of the fish parts had washed out of Barret's clothing. "Either prepare for the next assault or get the hell out of here."
Hammering sounds came from outside. Shouts came from the dining hall.
"Wait. Are they boarding up the shutters?"
"Everyone? Back to the dining room. Regroup," Barret ordered.
Yuffie gave the outside door a final kick and obeyed.
With the tables now demolished, the dining room looked barren. Only two Shinra blues remained, one of them braving a gauntlet of waiters to dive out the last open window.
"I don't like this," Barret said. "Something stinks."
"It's the fish." Yuffie held her nose.
The last window shutter slammed shut. The final Shinra blue stumbled to it and pushed at it; it gave at first but snapped back. Hammering rang from outside.
"Sorry, commander's orders," said a voice. "No one gets out."
"It's me! Ernie!"
"Sorry, I'm afraid today is not your lucky day."
Barret stepped forward. "Step aside. I'll blow that sorry-ass window shade across the street."
Ernie actually obeyed.
Barret leveled his gun. The staccato barrage punched holes in the shutter and window frame but the wood, reinforced with what looked like railroad ties, held fast.
"Your Dad designed these buildings well," Barret said.
"We held off Shinra for three years," Yuffie said.
Shinra Ernie tried to bash his way through another window. He received chunks of sunlight and retreating footsteps for his efforts.
"I need to find a lever. Yuffie, make sure Ernie here doesn't try anything funny.
Yuffie glanced around, seeing a dozen or so kitchen staff. "To the kitchen. Now."
"Yes, Miss Yuffie."
Ernie found a stray table leg to began to pry at the crossbeam. The leg split down the middle but he did clear enough of an opening to thrust his head through. Just in time for the entire far wall to erupt in green flame.
"What the hell?" Barret said.
Ernie, now a human torch, did manage to pull free but when he turned, Yuffie screamed at the sight of flesh melting off his face. Two more steps and he collapsed with a final death wail. Barret blasted the body hard enough to bounce him to the window wall. The flames soared, engulfing the wall from floor to ceiling.
"Holy screaming mother of - "
"Corrupted invert mako," Juria said. "Da-Chao help us."
"What the hell is invert mako?"
"Never mind now, Barret," Yuffie said. "You and Juria get everybody out through the sewers. The same way we came in.'
Juria moved without question.
"What will you do?" Barret asked.
Yuffie raised her shuriken. "Fight fire with fire?"
"Brat, you have many faults but cowardice is not one of them."
Yuffie felt herself go warm at the backhand compliment. In a different setting, minus the searing flames, the choking fumes, the ghastly deaths, she might have thanked him - but Barret and already turned to leave.
Yuffie licked her lips and ran her fingers over her set of materia. The smoke curdled her nose worse than fumes from burning plastic. With watering eyes she made the logical choice, a mastered Ice materia.
Ice crystals the size of minivans crashed together amidst the firestorm. Yuffie cherished the cool, fresher air in their wake. The green fire died back but the flames around Ernie's corpse flared back up, again reaching for the ceiling. Yuffie frowned. Her ice chunks remained intact, barely melting. This, invert mako fire, it didn't burn very hot. Though it did set off normal fires. She stomped a few of those from the carpet.
"Never knock old faithful," she said, pulling out Leviathan for the third time this evening.
Out went the normal fires but the green flames leapt on top of the water like demented mermaids.
"Yikes!" Yuffie threw herself sideways to avoid the pincers of flames. A tapestry melted to her left. Earth materia? Didn't have one. Bolt? Nah. Wait. How about a Cure spell.
She backed into the kitchen door.
"Da-Chao, don't fail me now. Clear!" She poured her heart into her spell, the materia glowing like a torch. Pure green of mountain grass or Aeris' eyes. The image of Aeris made her smile, until with a jolt she feared she had triggered her Comet by mistake. She snapped open her eyes to find the room blackened and reeking like a septic tank but no longer any fire.
"Wow." She stumbled against the door frame before reclaiming her balance. "Just, wow. I did it. Like those zombie Gi things in Cosmo Canyon way back when."
She saw ordinary fires burning outside the barred windows, and smoke continued to pour in. Sirens sounded in the distance but they had to leave now. She stumbled through the kitchen door. Those flames. Alive? Maybe undead?
"Yuffie? Are you all right?"
Juria stood just beyond the door.
"Thanks. I'm just, a bit weak."
Next thing she knew, she slumped against the nun, who pulled her through the kitchen to an oblong hole cut in the floor by a drunk pastry chef.
"Did I, black out?" Yuffie said.
"No shame in that," Juria said. "Do you think Barret has a future as a sculptor?"
"His art will make it tough to cover our tracks."
"No problem." The nun produced a small purple sphere. A pair of buttons adorned a flat area on top. "I can pull down the roof behind us."
"A bomb? Since when do nuns use bombs?"
"Ours is an unorthodox temple."
"I'll say." Yuffie took a few steps. "Wait. Don't do it. Shinra will blame the Wutai Underground. Make them explain the boarded windows."
"Okay. I can work with that. Can you walk?"
"I think so."
"We need to clear the building. No shame in leaning on me."
"Bomb throwing nuns. I've seen it all." What other tricks had Juria picked up from Genji?
They met down below, in the sewer tunnel, huddling until Yuffie felt steady enough to walk unassisted. Barret cast a Regen on her.
"Thanks, big fella. Those green flames. They suck the life from you."
"So healing magic knocked them out?"
"Yea, but definitely avoid water. I've never felt drained like that."
"Damn, kid. Any ideas? On where we go now?"
Yuffie rested against the cement wall. She couldn't lead them back to Godo's home now. The convent didn't work either. She looked at the line of patient staff. How many cooks did the Sisters need, anyway? She didn't plan on moving in with the rats down here, nor could call Cid to airlift them out. She turned to Juria.
"You wish to hide?" the nun asked.
"Any place but a sewer."
Juria's lips creased into a smile. "All of us?"
Yuffie considered. "You know, most of these folks can return to their families. It's not as if Shinra can tell us apart. They should be safe."
"Then they should. But we will remain in touch with them." She glanced at Yuffie and curled a grin, "I believe a big day is coming. We want to be ready for it."
"What is your plan then?" Barret said. "I hope it's better than the brat's. I spend all day sliding on my belly through a sewer and I don't even get my damned hand back."
"Perhaps Miss Yuffie would offer you hers?"
Barret snorted. "Till death do us part would be shorter than you think!"
Yuffie found herself choking on saliva.
"Don't worry, Miss Yuffie, Juria said. "I'm sure your father would approve - "
"Grossness!"
Juria tittered. "Ancient temple joke. Now, if you'll follow me, I have an idea where we might hide. After you fix our roof, that is."
Yuffie continued to cough.
"Yuffie dear, do you believe in legends?"