Chapter 14

"How can I not tell him?!" Paul demanded. "He'll be so angry…Bella, why did you do this? You were doing so well."

"I…I…" I trailed off, unable to string together a sentence.

"How much did you take?" his eyes were searching mine.

"Two lines," I mumbled. "Just two." Panic washed over me. Was someone else here? Had someone other than Paul come to the apartment with him? My eyes widened and I turned to stare at Paul.

"No one came with me," he said calmly. "I'm alone."

"Did you lock the door?" I whispered.

He nodded. "I locked it as soon as I saw what was happening, you're safe now, Bella. It's okay."

Why was he being so nice to me? Suspicion seeped into me again. Why was this guy being so nice to me? I barely knew him.

"I'm going to call Jake," he said calmly.

"No!" I snapped, and then relaxed my tone. "Please, don't call him, please…he…he can't know. Please Paul, don't call him, you can't." I was gripping his hands, begging him not to call Jacob. Jacob could not know. He couldn't. He would leave me for sure…the mere prospect of that terrified me. Fear and anxiety gripped me tighter than I was holding onto Paul's hands.

He took a deep breath. "Okay…I…I won't call him. You should get some sleep."

I really didn't want to sleep, but I nodded anyway and stood up.

"He'll probably be back here by the time you wake up; they caught the guy and they're heading back, what do you want me to do with it?" he asked, motioning to the little baggie.

"Give it to me," I said quietly. He hesitated, but then did what I had told him. I cleaned up the mirror, blade and straw, stashing them in my purse.

"I'm going to go," he said. "But, this is just a bit of advice; I think you should tell him. It probably won't be as bad as you think."

"Thank you, Paul," I said quietly. "Thank you for coming here and taking care of me."

"Don't mention it," he mumbled as he left the apartment.

When he was gone, the reality of what he said hit me. Jacob was coming home. He was on his way home right now. That made me feel even worse. I hung my head in shame, and went into the bedroom, literally having to force myself to fall asleep. The sooner you fall asleep, the sooner he'll be here. He's coming home to you, and you want to see him. It'll be better when he's back here.

I awoke to the feeling of someone's mouth against my neck. He was kissing and sucking on it. He was here, Jacob was finally back.

"Mmmm…you're home," I mumbled sleepily.

"I've missed you baby," he said against my neck.

"How was Michigan?"

"We'll talk about that later," he said. His hand snaked down to my pants, but he stopped. "Why are you in your work pants?" I froze. Had I really fallen asleep in the pants I wore to work? "And you're wearing the tank top you wear under your uniform…Bella, what's going on? Normally you get changed as soon as you get home."

"I guess I was too tired last night," I said with a shrug.

"I've seen you passing out on your feet, and even then you'll still get changed. What is going on?"

"Please don't get mad," I said.

He tensed and sat up and away from me. His expression was immediately guarded. "What?"

"Last night…" I trailed off and gulped for air. "Last night…I…I used." I looked away from him, feeling the tears surface. He would be so ashamed of me. I couldn't face that.

"Were you going to tell me?" he asked through gritted teeth. "Or were you just going to hope that I didn't find out? And why didn't Paul drive you home?"

"That's three different questions," I mumbled, feeling my lip tremble.

"Answer," he practically growled.

I opted for honesty. I could have easily lied, but that would get me even deeper into trouble. I didn't want that. "No. I wasn't going to tell you. Yeah, I hoped you weren't going to find out, I think in the back of my mind I knew you would, but I still hoped that you wouldn't. And Paul didn't drive me home because I left work early."

"Where did you get it from?" he asked. Oh fuck. I hadn't wanted to get to this. "It was him, wasn't it? He gave it to you, didn't he?" I didn't answer him. Roughly, he turned my face back to his. I met his angry eyes. I'm sure he could see the fear and tears in my eyes, but his expression didn't soften at all. "Why did you go back to him?"

"I didn't," I said. "He came to me-he wouldn't leave me alone. He practically forced me to let him buy me lunch yesterday, and then…he…he gave it to me."

"Why did you use Bella?" he asked. "You were doing so well."

The tears that had been threatening to spill spilled over. "I don't know."

"I'm going to rip him apart," Jacob growled, getting out of bed.

"Where…where are you g-going?" I stuttered, wiping furiously at my eyes.

"I'm going to go find him and arrest him or kill him."

"No," I said. "No, Jacob, please, don't."

"Look what he did to you!" he shouted. "He's fucked you up bad, Bella. I'm not just going to sit on the sidelines and watch you relapse over and over. I leave you for two fucking days and this is what I come back to. This is his fault, and I'm not going to let it happen again." Alice entered my mind, and I knew what could happen to her if Jacob did anything. "I am going to fucking arrest him-and that's if he's lucky. I'm not going to let him do this to you anymore."

He got his coat on and grabbed his keys.

"Jacob-"

"Don't, Bella," he snapped. "Unless you'd rather go back to him…is that…is that what you want?"

"What?" I asked, mind whirling. "No-no I don't want to go back to him."

"I'll see you later," he said, leaving the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him.

I sat on the bed with my head in my hands, crying. What have I done? How could I have been so stupid? I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself after this. How could I have done this?

I reached over to the bedside table and grabbed my phone off the table. I dialed the number and prayed she'd answer. She had given me her number at the first, and so far only, meeting I had been to.

"Hello?" she asked. I could tell she had woken up not long before my call, but I hadn't woken her up.

"Tara, I need to talk to you," I said, holding back the tears.

"What's wrong?"

"Last night, I used," I said, and then it was like floodgates had opened up inside me and I couldn't turn my mouth off. "My ex-boyfriend approached me when I was on my lunch break and told me it's easier to quit by cutting back and gave me some. And then last night, I was deciding what to do with it, whether to get rid of it or use it and I just caved. My boyfriend's friend walked in just as I was polishing off the second line, and told me to go to bed and that Jacob would be home by this morning. When I woke up, Jacob was here, and he basically figured it out. Now he's out either killing or arresting Edward and I'm just…I'm a mess."

"Do you regret using?" she asked quietly.

I nodded. "I feel ashamed."

"Then that's good," she said. "Next time you're tempted, remember all the feelings that you're feeling right now, and it'll stop you from using, even if Jacob isn't around to stop you. You can't rely on someone else to help you stop using, because you'll become too dependent. Next time, just think about how you're feeling right now, and it should help you. I remember when I relapsed, I felt terrible. It actually made me feel worse to use again."

"That's basically how I'm feeling right now," I said. "I feel ashamed, stupid, terrible, sick, sad, and angry all at once."

"I know the feeling," she said. "Trust me, I understand completely. Work everything out with Jacob, and then come to a few more meetings. We're meeting up tomorrow night. You should come. It'll be good to talk about it."

"Yeah, I'll probably come tomorrow night," I said. "Thank you, Tara. I'll see you tomorrow."

"We can meet for coffee somewhere if you aren't comfortable coming to the meeting. Let me know what you want to do. I'm free tomorrow and the next day. Give me a ring."

"I will, bye Tara," I said.

"Bye Bella."

The line went dead, and I put my phone back on the bedside table and looked up at the doorway to see Jacob standing there. He looked angry, but he didn't look as angry as he had before he had left.

"That was fast," I said quietly.

"He wasn't hard to find."

"Where…where is he now?" I asked.

"Jail."

His answers were short and clipped. The tone of his voice told me he was still very angry with me, but I could tell he had softened a bit.

"Was that Tara you were on the phone with?" he asked.

I nodded. "How much did you hear?"

"I heard how you feel right now," he said. "And I know I'm not making it much better." Relief washed over me like a wave. That was a good sign. "But Bella…what more can I do? How do I know you won't relapse again?"

"I can't promise that I won't," I whispered.

Jacob came over and sat on the bed with me. "Do I make it better or worse for you?"

"Better," I said. "Much better."

"It doesn't seem that way," he said. "Would it better if I stayed away for a bit?"

"No!" I said, clinging to his hands. "No, Jacob, it wouldn't be."

He took a deep breath. "Let me help you, please."

"You have been," I said.

"Prove it to me, Bella," he said.

"I'm weak," I whispered. "We both know that. It keeps dragging me back in, and I can't help it. But Jacob, you help me so much. I honestly don't know what shape I'd be in if I didn't have you. Please, you keep me grounded."

"Okay," he said. "We'll get through this."

"We will," I whispered, and kissed him lightly on his lips.