Use Somebody
Disclaimer: No. Just no.
It's weird to be writing for this again after like a million months.
Blah. I don't even know anymore I just want to wrap this up. Next chapter has Trish, finally.
/ /
"And how does that make you feel?" Doctor Robbie is looking at me like I should be happy with the questions she's asking me; like I want to be here. Oh no, this is entirely my husband.
"Uh..." I stall, swallowing thickly. "I obviously didn't enjoy years of abuse."
I'm sitting in a shrink's office in the middle of a cold February in Miami. Doctor Robbie supposedly specializes with family trauma, but I really, really don't want to be here. The lumpy red couch is too hard and I can't get comfortable. The pillows are scratchy, and I am 90% sure that I'm allergic to the plant on the windowsill. Austin wanted me to come, he and Mimi both. They said it would be good for me to talk things out to someone besides them, and while they are right, I didn't go willingly.
"Would you say you were in denial about your situation?" She continues, writing notes at the speed of light on her notepad marked DAWSON-MOON.
"I guess," I mumble, fidgeting in my seat. "Like...I didn't tell Austin when he asked."
"Yes, I spoke with your husband previously and he says you refused to seek help, and didn't find anything wrong in the situation during the police report. Why could that be?" She's fairly nice, as far as a shrink goes. Her voice certainly is soothing but I'm convinced there are ulterior motives.
"Cuz he was my dad," I offer as explanation, shrugging. "Is my dad."
Doctor Robbie raises her eyebrows and pauses, tapping her pen to her lips. "You seem confused about the tense."
"Yes."
"Why is that?" She looks at me expectantly, like I'm going to know these things, when in reality I know nothing. I quickly spare a glance at the clock and realize I have twenty minutes left before Austin is picking me up.
"Because he's always going to be my dad."
"Do you still consider him your father? I understand he's out of the picture."
She refrains from adding 'and on a wanted list by the state police,' so she goes up a level or two in my book.
I stall for time again, formulating my answer. The poster on the opposite wall is staring back at me. The HANG IN THERE kitten is mocking me, I just know it.
I shrug, because I don't really know how to respond to questions about my dad; it's still weird to think of the proverbial "bad guy" being a relation.
"Well, let's put it this way: would you consider him a father figure, someone you can look up to?"
"No," I say truthfully, but regret it, because no one should have to admit that.
"Do you have a type of father figure in your life?" She asks, not looking up as her pen scratches across the yellow legal pad.
"I...I guess Austin's Uncle Richie was kinda a father figure. Sort of," I say uncertainly, fiddling with my hands. "I don't really know."
"Your husband seems to think you'd benefit from talking about these things. You don't seem like you're on the same wavelength, Ally. Why is that?" She's so calm about it, and all I want to do is scream.
"I don't really like letting it all out to people I know, let alone strangers," I explain, shrugging. "Sorry."
"It's good for you," Doctor Robbie says kindly, and I cringe. She sighs and puts the legal pad away. "I think we've done enough for today, don't you?"
"Yes," I say too quickly, ready to jump out of my chair any minute now. "Yes."
"Wait dear," She commands gently, and I sink back into the couch. "Your husband wants you to continue doing this, you know that, correct?" When I nod, she continues.
"I know that seeing a shrink is not on anyone's list of desirable pastimes. Hell, I used to despise counselors when I was growing up. And we will have to talk about some things you might not like, but we can talk about good things, too. Like your marriage, for one. You seem like a girl who doesn't get a chance to just sit around and squeal about her boyfriend very often."
I laugh quietly before I remember that she is the enemy and I'm not supposed to find her funny.
"And we can talk about your friends, too. You mentioned a Dez? And a...Trish? Was that her name? We can talk about them too. We can even talk about college when the time comes. It doesn't all have to be bad stuff in here, alright?" She's smiling at me again, that really warm, kind smile that makes it hard to keep up my attitude towards her.
"Alright," I say quietly, fiddling with the hem of my dress. "I think that sounds okay."
"Great!" She pulls herself out of her blue office chair and walks me to the door, then out of the hallway and back to the waiting room. "You have a ride?" She asks, and I nod when I see Austin.
"Alright. You have a good day, Ally," She says, giving me a tight hug. "You take care of yourself and I'll be seeing you soon."
"Alright," I repeat, and I wave goodbye before I walk over to Austin.
"How'd it go?" He asks, slipping an arm around my dress-clad waist. "Like her any better the second time around?"
"Sort of," I admit. "She's very nice. It's hard to be mad at her. She hasn't done anything."
"You know I'm just trying to help you, right baby?" He asks, and I nod, even though I'm still upset about the whole situation. "I'm proud of you for going you know."
"You are?" I squeak, and god I sound like a twelve year old girl with a crush.
"Yeah. Yeah I am," he affirms, and I grin the entire way to his car.
/ /
We get a call from Uncle Richie a week after he leaves. He's happily settled in Nebraska by now, job secured and apartment better than he expected. None of us mention my father's appearance in the same state a few weeks ago.
"How are you kids holding up?" He booms across the phone, and Austin pulls the receiver away from his ear.
"Great, how are you Uncle Richie?" I reply, my thumb absentmindedly rubbing circles on the back of Austin's hand.
"Wonderful! What have you kids been up to? No babies yet I hope!"
Austin puts his head in his hands and I laugh into the phone. "Nope, no babies," I say cheerfully. "Not happening for a while."
"Alright, I just worry about you kiddo," He says, and I can hear the concern in his voice. "Miss you."
"Miss you too," I reply softly, and nudge Austin until he repeats the words.
"Love you," we chorus before hanging up, and I lean back onto the couch.
"So...what's on the agenda for today?" I ask, humming as Austin puts his head in my lap. I play with his hair and he closes his eyes. Looks like it'll be a lazy day.
"Nothing much," He mumbles. "I'm exhausted."
He worked a late night shift last night; the Melody Diner is twenty-four hours, because apparently the good citizens of Miami crave chicken pot pie at three in the morning. "What time did you get in last night?" I ask in concern, still playing with his hair, running it through my fingers. It's soft, like really soft, and it's relaxing.
"Four," he mumbles, and I wince. His shift had started at ten.
"Take a nap," I advise, rubbing his shoulder a little. "I'll be here when you wake up."
And I am.
/ /
Austin's been careful around me, ever since I started having dreams that my dad was back; even more so since he was spotted in Nebraska. I think he's worried that I'll fly off the handle one day, but really, I'm fine.
Obviously not fine enough to stop going to the counseling he signed me up for, but you know. Perspective and all that.
But I'm not going to lie, I kinda like the newfound gentleness he's adopted. (Dez has as well, but...once again, that's different.)
And you know, if he started paying even more attention to me because of my nightmares, I guess I've gotta chalk them all up to a necessary evil.
/ /
"I want to get a job," I announce over lasagna, and Austin chokes on his water. Mimi awkwardly pats her son on the back and turns to me, smiling.
"Sweetheart," She beams, grasping my hand tightly over the green tablecloth. "That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you!"
"Austin?" I ask in lieu of reply, squeezing his shoulder. "You alright there, love?"
"Yeah," He says quickly, seemingly recovered from his choking fit. "That sounds good. Um, where were you thinking?"
"I dunno," I admit, slightly embarrassed. "I never had to think about it when Sonic Boom was open."
"There's no way you can get it back?" He asks, and I shake my head sadly.
"I'm not eighteen," I remind him, and he smiles sympathetically at me. "And it's technically still my dad's."
"Where else could you work? You're only seventeen." Mimi pauses to think, tapping her chin with her forefinger. "Well...no. Maybe...erm."
"What, Mom?" Austin nearly shouts. "Tell us, woman!"
"Don't call your mother 'woman,'" I scold. "That's rude. But yes Mimi, what were you thinking?"
"Well I was just thinking that maybe you could do some music lessons part time or something. Or tutoring, you're so smart! And some parents would pay a lot of money for you to tutor their kids," She says thoughtfully, and I take the idea into consideration.
"Sorta like a nanny but not really," I muse, and get up to clear my plate. "How would I advertise that though?"
"Yes, that's a little troubling," Mimi agrees, then snaps her fingers. "I have the perfect fit! Louisa, you know the one in the building? Well she works as a maid for this pretty rich family, and by rich, I mean loaded. They have four kids, and just the other day they were talking about a private tutor. I can get Louisa to get them to hire you!"
Mimi is practically jumping out of her chair now, and I laugh happily. "That sounds great!" I say enthusiastically. "Thank you!"
And that's how I ended up being a part time nanny for the richest family in town.
/ /
Austin whistles, low and long, as we pull up to the Starr Residence. "They really are loaded," He murmurs, squeezing my hand for luck. "Alright, you promise to call me if you need anything at all?"
"Austin," I laugh, squeezing his hand back. "I'm just helping Kira with her math, and then looking after her little siblings Kyle, Lily, and Noah for two hours while Kira leaves. No big deal."
"But you have your phone?" Austin asks sternly, and I roll my eyes, but nod and show him my cell. "Alright. Call if you need anything. Anything at all. Even if you think you don't need anything, really-"
"Austin!" I laugh, cutting him off with a kiss. "I'll be fine. I'll see you in three hours. I love you."
I kiss him once more, quickly, before running my hand over his hair and hopping out of the car, starting my long trek up the expanse of stone driveway. It takes two minutes to walk up the whole of it, and in those 120 seconds I feel very, very intimidated. Even if I did used to be in a relatively upper class family, it was nothing compared to this. And now- though I wouldn't trade the Moons for anything- I feel even further away from this type of world than I ever did.
Nervously, I knock on the door, and an annoyed Kira pokes her head out from behind it.
"Well?" She snaps, crossing her arms. "Come on, I have a date in an hour."
I nod and follow her through the maze of hallways and marble floors that is her house. "Okay, that's the kitchen," she points out in a bored voice. "Kyle's room is up those stairs to the left. The twins' rooms are to the right. Mine is on the opposite wing; you don't need to go anywhere near there. The biggest TV downstairs is through that archway, and the dining room is to your left. Don't go in there unless you need to. You want to eat, there's a breakfast table in a room off the kitchen. Bathroom is down the hall and to your right. Got it?"
No I actually don't got it; in fact I think I might need a map. This isn't a house, it's a freaking castle. But I nod, grin and bear it.
"Great," She sighs, snapping her gum, and she walks off once more, passing through the kitchen. (It looks like it should be in a five star restaurant, not a home for a family of six.) "We're working on triangles."
For the next hour I walk her through the differences between acute and obtuse angles, isosceles and equilateral, angles and side measures. Her bad attitude seems to have worn off, and we manage to laugh a few times. About thirty minutes in, she throws her hands in the air and groans.
"I give up!" She yells. "This is stupid! I'll never have to use this in my life. "
Years of experience with having Kira in my classes have taught me to just be patient and wait out her rant until she turns back to the task at hand. "Sorry," she mumbles, picking her number 2 pencil back up. "I just got frustrated."
"Don't worry about it," I say, and smile encouragingly. "You're doing fine! Geometry can be confusing, but you have a pretty firm grasp on it. I think you just confuse yourself sometimes, maybe you mix up formulas and equations? Here."
Quickly, I grab notecards and make her cheat sheets for the definitions.
"Keep these. Look at them when you need to, then eventually you won't need to anymore!"
A slow smile spreads across her face as she flips through the notecards. "Thanks, Ally!" She cries. "This is so helpful!"
I smile back and turn to the clock. "You better get ready for your date," I say in a teasing voice, and she rolls her eyes. "Are you not excited?"
"Not particularly, no. My dad's making me go out with him. Son of his business partner, makes him look good. The kid is about as interesting as toast!" I laugh as she scoops up her purse and keys and moves to head out the door.
"Oh Ally," she calls over her shoulder. "Um, if there's ever a night you get kept here late, or...for reasons, you're welcome to bring Austin over. Just don't...you know!"
She raises her eyebrows at me and I blush as I promise her we won't have sex in her house.
"Thank you," I say sincerely, and she smiles once more before three pairs of footsteps thunder down the stairs.
"And that'll be the kiddos," Kira says as an introduction, and soon I am met with three children. The oldest, Kyle, looks to be about seven. Lily and Noah are twins, both aged five. After Kira introduces all of us and makes them promise to behave, she leaves for her dreaded date.
"Hi guys," I say brightly. "What do you want to do?"
And that one simple question sends the house into chaos.
I don't really know how I end up with whipped cream in my hair or pillows covering the den floor, but it definitely happens.
So I do what I originally scoffed at. I call Austin.
/ /
He managed to stop Kyle from getting into any more food supplies while I wrestle Lily and Noah away from the glue and paint.
"We need to give them baths," I pant, holding one twin in each arm. "The Starrs will be home in an hour and a half!"
"I'll do Kyle and Noah, you get Lily a bath," He suggests, and I gladly hand over the older twin. It takes a good half hour for us to wrestle them into the water, but once the kids are actually washed, they settle down considerably.
I quickly check the list left for me on the refrigerator and realize that I have to put them on bed; Kira had fed them before I got there.
When we suggest this idea, however, it's an uprising nearly as bad as earlier.
"Kids, kids!" Austin shouts, trying to calm them down. "Hey! Hey, we don't bite people- hey!" His final shout calms them enough to listen, and an idea strikes me.
"You kids like music?" I ask, panting and pushing the hair out of my eyes. Once they nod, Austin seems to catch on to my plan, and grabs one of the guitars in the corner, promising me that he'll put it back. (And bring his own next time.)
(I resent that he thinks I will need a next time.)
We quickly settle them down on the leather couch, all three pajama clad and sleepy yet wide awake; that special mood only kids manage to pull off. Or drunk people, but...it's different.
Austin settles down next to me and strums the opening bars to a song we know well, and then we both begin to sing.
I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
Austin smiles at me as Lily slowly lowers her head onto her twin's shoulder, as if to say '1/3 down.'
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
It's not long after that before Noah is closing his eyes as well, holding tightly to his younger sister as their eyes shut. Austin winks at me before I launch into the next verse, waiting for Kyle to drop off as well.
Someone like you
And all you know
And how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
After his eyes close, we keep singing, purely for the two of us. Two kids, watching three children in the middle of a strange, too big house.
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
If he wasn't playing the guitar I'd be holding his hand right now, but I figure the soft singing comes close enough.
Off in the night
While you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat
I momentarily wonder what would happen if the Starrs came home right now. They probably wouldn't mind too much, as long as the kids were alright and Austin hasn't messed up the guitar. The thought makes me chuckle, because there's no way in hell Austin would ever purposely ruin a guitar.
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
When I giggle in the middle of singing, Austin shoots me a questioning look, but I shake it off, immersing myself back into the song I love so much.
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
Somebody
The kids are out for the count, it's just us; perhaps it's been only us all along. And not just tonight.
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
Austin slows down his playing and turns to look at me fully as he sings the last lines, his stare intense and his voice simultaneously clear and raspy.
I've been roaming around
Always looking down at all I see
I really could have used someone this year; and he was there.
/ /
AN: Wow this is weird and kinda terrible and a bitch to write. I complained so much about this, it's absolutely terrible. On another note:
This is important.
Before, I wrote this story and half-assed it. And it's still not my favorite. However, I realize that I am dealing with an extremely serious topic here, and I cannot stress this enough: if you or someone you know is being abused, you need to get help. It can be very scary to talk to someone, I know, but it can sometimes mean the difference between saving and ending a life. I'm posting national hotlines on my bio page for abuse, and I'll find the ones for Europe and Canada as well. (I believe Canada and the US are the same.) And if there is a country I have not posted the information for, and you're uncomfortable searching for it yourself, just message me: "My friend in (place you need information) has a question about 3:15 AM," and I'll send you the information, no questions asked. In addition to abuse hotlines, the ones for suicide, rape, eating disorders, and most any issue are on my bio.
And as always, if any of you need to talk or even plain want to talk, my inbox is always, always, always open. I care about each and every one of you, and I hope you all know that someone out there loves you. (Even if sometimes you might feel a little bit alone.)
Please review, and STAY SAFE.
xx