Chapter 14:

Aftermath Part 2

Alex

After Hermione and Pansy staged their, I suppose the only thing to call it is an, intervention things returned to normal. I started relaxing with them again, spending time in the Room and just doing normal student things.

I could finally go to class without spending the entire time there trying to decide the best way to, ahem, deal, with the other students and I could actually go to Defense, something I hadn't been able to do after the first defense class of the new year where I had to grab my chair to keep myself from jumping over my desk and going for Quirrell's throat.

And perhaps best of all Dumbledore had stopped offering to get me a Mind Healer.

I sighed and made an abrupt turn, walked ten feet and turned again. The pacing wasn't helping but I kept me busy. The good feelings had only lasted about a week, after that I started getting worse again.

Don't get me wrong, letting everything out and confiding in my friends, wasn't an instant cure. I had killed two people, would have killed another and had wanted to kill the bastard who controlled them, whose name I still didn't know, so badly I could still taste it. That wasn't going away anytime soon, if it ever did.

No, I had thought I had been getting better, but now it felt like I was reverting. That night should have left me messed up, and it did, but this didn't feel right. I was jumping at shadows and snapping at everyone for the slightest of reasons.

Snap.

I jumped nearly three feet in the air and whirled around, wand in hand, to see Hermione a closed book in hand and a wide eyed look on her face. I cringed, ashamed at my reaction, and put my wand away.

"Alex?" Hermione asked, looking pensive.

"Hmm?" I responded.

"I've been thinking. You said you turned into a hexan-wolf right?" I nodded, confused. "Did Madam Pomfrey do anything to get rid of the dark magic?"

"Yeah, she stuck me in a shower and then monitored me for a while after. Why?" I asked, curious that was standard procedure for dark magic exposure. Running water would disrupt the magic and the monitoring medi-witch would repeat the procedure as necessary to insure that no left over dark magic affecting the patient.

Hermione nodded. "That's what I thought, that's standard protocol and for most people that would be enough. But for you that may not have gotten everything."

"What do you mean?" Pansy asked, from her spot on a nearby couch. We were in the Room's library at the moment.

"When we started practicing Occlumency we became more sensitive to magical influences." Hermione said. "Until we actually manage to get to our mindscapes we will continue to be more sensitive to things that effect the mind."

"Wouldn't Madam Pomfrey have noticed if it was still affecting me?" Alex asked.

"Hexan-wolf talismans work by putting a beast spirt, a rage spirit, in you. It's a well-known fact that prolonged use will change the user. I don't think it still is affecting you, but I think it may have already influenced you." Pansy looked at her in confusion. I admit I was lost as well. "I mean that I may have changed something or left something behind despite the shower and that's why you're always on edge."

"Still shouldn't Madam Pomfrey have detected that?" I asked. A creeping horror crawling down my back.

Hermione shook her head. "Not if she didn't think you had been exposed long enough for it to change something. Remember if we hadn't been trying to learn Occlumency you wouldn't have been so sensitive to it. And she's a school healer not Mind Healer"

"So what do we do?" Pansy asked.

"We can't go to Madam Pomfrey." I said. I was not letting anyone in my head.

"Why." Pansy asked, the same time Hermione said. "We have to, she can help!"

I took a deep breath before answering. "Hermione how would they help?"

"They would probably get a Mind Healer to go in and fix it."

I shook her head. "I'm not letting anyone I don't trust in my head." Determination-resolve.

"But…" Hermione tried.

"No one's getting in my head!" I nearly yelled, only just stopping myself. I was fighting the urge to run away.

Pansy got up and slowly made her way over to me and pulled me into in a hug, I struggled for a moment before calming. "Ok. No one is getting in your head."

"Promise?" I asked, sounding small and scared.

"Promise." Pansy said and looked to Hermione.

"I, right fine." Hermione finally said. "Promise."

"Is there any other way to fix this?" I asked Hermione.

She looked deep in thought, before finally answering. "If you won't let the professionals try and help you I think I may know what to do." At our expectant faces she elaborated. "You need to find your mindscape and find out what the spirt changed and fix it."

Oh that's all. "So I just need to find my mindscape, something that we've been trying, and failing to do for months, and fix whatever damage a beast spirit did to me." I said. "That sounds so easy."

Hermione shrugged before saying, in a completely innocent voice. "Or we could get the professionals to help."

I shuddered at the thought. "No, we'll do it your way." I ignored Hermione's annoyed mutter of 'No, my way is sane.'

888

We spent every day after class in the Room meditating, trying to find our mindscapes. More than one we skipped diner, but we were no closer than we were when we started and I was getting worse.

Terry Boot had tapped me on the shoulder to ask for some ink, and if Pansy hadn't been sitting right next to me I would be on my way to Azkaban. Thankfully Terry hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary, Hermione had.

"This isn't working!" Hermione yelled. "We need help, you need help!" A vein was throbbing in her neck. It did that when she was angry, no wrong word. Worried, that's it. It throbbed when she was worried.

I was very carefully sitting in one of the Library chairs, fingering my empty wand holster. Pansy had been keeping ahold of my wand and my knives, well the knives she knew about. I still had a hold out or two.

I took a deep breath before responding, "Your," prey, "right." It was a struggle to admit that. A part of me, a large part, was screaming at me. 'Hermione's been compromised. She can't be trusted. Kill her while you can.' Thankfully I had gotten used to ignoring it.

"So you'll go Madam Pomfrey?" Hermione asked. The vein stopped throbbing. Hermione took a step back, and Pansy deliberately put her hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head to look at her behind my chair. She raised her brow.

"You're licking your lips." Pansy said, sternly. Looking me straight in the eye, holding my gaze. NOT PREY. I looked away first.

"Sorry." I said. I turned to look at Hermione, I was shocked she was still here. Pansy I understood, she was a Slytherin and I was the Girl-Who-Lived, politically I was worth more than my weight in gold. She wanted something from me, what that was I didn't know but she was my friend, she had proved that by now, when the time came I would deliver. She had been a big help during this…experience.

Hermione though, she was here out of loyalty, nothing else. When I got over this I would need to do something nice for her. Books wouldn't work, with the Rooms library she had access to more books than even my trust vault could by. Grace maybe? I could kill her for Hermione, she would like that wouldn't she? Hermione was prey she wouldn't do it herself, but Grace needed to go anyway.

"Alex." Hermione prompted, I focused on her. "Alex, it's getting worse. You need help."

It was Friday, and class was over for the day. I shook my head. "Not letting anyone in my head."

"Alex," Hermione was crying. Prey, but also pack. Can prey be pack? "Please."

"It's Friday, we don't have any classes until Monday. I say we have one last long meditation session. If Alex hasn't had any success by Monday we drag her to the hospital wing." Pansy said, staring at me in concern.

I nodded, if I didn't figure it out before Monday, well I had already written a note to Dumbledore explaining all I knew about Voldemort. If I hadn't fixed myself before Monday I would do my best to kill Quirrell. He would kill me, but at least it would force Dumbledore to deal with him and best of all it would keep everyone out of my head.

"Ok, on last try." Hermione said. She took a deep breath, appearing deep in thought. "Well, in the spirit of one last try. I may have an idea." She waited until we were both looking at her. "Ok, so you know how we've just been using the library or our rooms to try and meditate." We had, it was convenient to just use the Room's Library. After our meditation, or before, we could use it for our assignments or recreational reading. Hermione gave us a moment to think about it, at our nods she continued. "Well maybe we should have it make a room specifically for meditating."

"Would that make a difference? The only thing you need to meditate is a quiet place, right?" Pansy asked. Also it was our territory, it was safe.

Hermione nodded. "If she were just meditating, then you would be right but we're trying to find our mindscape. It's our center, the place that's completely us. Maybe we should try meditating in a place that's just ours as well."

It made sense to us so we stepped out of the Room and I walked in front of the troll painting focusing on me. On a place that would help me find my center. The door took longer to appear than normal. So when it did finally appear I was hesitant to open it. Powerful magical objects not operating like they should was not something to be taken lightly.

Hermione on the other hand had no such reluctance. As soon as the door appeared she opened it. Pansy and I followed her in.

We stepped into a small ten by, well I wasn't sure how you measured circular rooms, but if you were standing in the middle of the room it was five feet to the edges. The room was made of pitch black brick that seemed to eat the light emitted by four blue-green torches, the fire was blue-green not the actual torches. Next to each torch was a door, the one we came in from and three more. Each door had a name on it.

Alex

Pansy

Hermione

Pansy's door was the same purple as her eyes, it glowed slightly. Mine was black with white spots, the white almost looked like stars. Hermione's was, well it looked like the doors to the Great Hall.

"Is that the entrance to the Great Hall?" I asked. I suppose it could be another wood door, but it looked like the double door entrance to the Great Hall.

Hermione nodded. "I think so, it certainly looks like it."

"Do you think the Room is trying to tell us something?" Pansy asked looking at her door.

I shrugged, "Maybe we need to find our mindscapes by ourselves, or in those rooms is the best place for each of us to find it?" I answered.

"So we just go into our rooms by ourselves?" Pansy asked giving her door a distrustful look.

"Or we could go get professional help?" Hermione said hopefully. I gave her a tired look before turning to Pansy.

"Give me my wand please." Our wands were bonded with us. Trying to find myself without it would be awkward at best, impossible at worst. Pansy carefully handed it over, letting someone handle your wand was a sign of great respect and trust. Mishandling a wand trusted to you was the worst possible insult another person could offer you. I sighed happily as I felt it connection to me pulse. "Thank you."

"Good luck." Pansy said and Hermione echoed her, as I entered my door.

888

It was a good thing that Hermione and Pansy had their own doors, because if they ever visited me at Privet drive they would know that this was not it.

It was my home, not Privet or Godric's Hollow, nor even Potter Manor. It was my house from my last life. Or, at least, it was the living room, of my old house.

The living room of my old house wasn't that big. It was long enough for a three person couch and a lazy-boy on one side, on the connecting wall were a few bookshelves. Opposite the lazy-boy was a TV, one of the big old ones where I would watch Saturday morning cartoons with my sister. Next to that was a fireplace, completely boarded up. Papa, my grandfather, didn't trust it not to send the entire house up in flames. Finally there was a big ugly metal desk where my Grandma would sit and make sure the kids weren't doing anything they weren't supposed to.

I took a deep breath, the Room had even gotten the smell right.

I went over to the lazy-boy and threw myself in it, like I used to. I popped the foot rest up and sighed.

I sat there for a long while, just taking it in, happy tears streaming down my face. My emotions, so turbulent the last few weeks, were calm. For the first time, in a very long time, I was home.

My spirit was centered, so when I finally closed my eyes and…

Breath. Focus. Sense.

888

…Finding my mindscape was easy.

I opened my eyes to a room that was a carbon copy of the one I just left. I stood and walked the length of the room, on my right was a hallway that I knew would lead to my old bedroom and other interesting things. What I came here for, wasn't there. I kept walking forward into the connecting kitchen.

The living room was the one from my old life, but the kitchen was all Dursley. It made sense, I could and did cook in my last life but I didn't really get into it until Aunt Petunia started teaching me.

I walked to the end of the kitchen and there was a window completely covered by a thick curtain. Through the window I could see the side of a house and on the side of the house was the largest wasps' nest I had ever had the misfortune of seeing.

I froze, watching the nest unable to look away. The longer I watched the more active the wasps' got. A horrid buzzing sound started, it vibrated the widow. Before they could really get going I shut the curtain and didn't move until the buzzing stopped.

Voldemort's horcruxe.

Of course the dammed thing would take the form of a wasps' nest in my mind. After all what better way for the greatest threat of my life to manifest as the greatest fear of my life.

To say I was frightened of wasps was a massive understatement. I wasn't just scared of them, I was actively phobic of the things. I saw one and I either ran away as fast as possible or froze unable to move. It wasn't a thinking fear, it was a physical force and not something I could fight.

After I calmed down enough to move I made my way out the back door. Outside I found small backyard, fenced in, and beyond that I say a forest. The trees seemed to loom over the fence, as if trying to overtake the civilized part of my mind.

Looking closer I saw that roots were already growing over the fence, most of it was covered in over growth and even as I watched the roots extend several feet. It was a good thing I was here now, Monday may well have been too late. A triumphant howl echoed from somewhere in the forest. I frowned.

"Yuck it up Fido, I'm coming for you and this is my mind. Do you know what that means?" I extended my hand towards the forest, and clinched my fist, the roots shriveled and died leaving the fence unblemished. The howl abruptly cut off. "I'll tell you. Here, I'm God."

I smiled before making my way to the fence and jumped it.

The forest bore only a vague resemblance to the collection of trees behind my house in my last life, but the trees were odd. I mean I wasn't a plant expert but they didn't look like any trees I had ever seen in my life. For one thing they resembled sequoias in terms of height and the upper branches grew together forming large multilayered pathways.

"Oh, this is going to be fun." I muttered to myself.

I started walking, the damn thing had to be here somewhere. Time in a mindscape was very relative to the real world, even so I knew I had been looking for a long while and I hadn't found anything. I walked for miles, looking for something to let me know where the wolf was, but found nothing.

I was almost relieved when I felt something watching me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and my pulse started racing. It was somewhere close.

Snap.

I whirled around, one of my sliver knives suddenly in hand. Ready to meet the wolf head on. Only to see nothing, I frowned and slowly turned around. Eyes constantly scanning my surroundings.

Snap.

I pivoted on my heel, knife already slashing outwards. Nothing again.

Snap.

Nothing.

Snap.

Nothing.

Snap.

I didn't turn this time, and something rushed past me. Scoring a bloody cut on my side. I clutched my side, and brought my hand up to see if how much I was bleeding. Not bad, only a little blood.

Before the wolf could rush me again, I backed up against one of the huge trees. This way when the wolf came after me I would see it coming.

Snap. On the right, I stayed where I was.

The forest came alive with the sound of fallen branches breaking and rustled bushes, left right and center. Before suddenly stopping, leaving the entire place deafening in its silence.

I leaned forward, bracing myself on the tree, when the wolf finally rushed me I'd meet it head on. This was my mind, the only reason I hadn't dealt with the wolf already was because I couldn't see it. When I saw it, it was done for.

I licked my dry lips and nearly bit it off when the wolf his me from behind, it had me dead to rights. The pounce was textbook perfect, its jaw was clamped on the back of my neck biting so deeply I felt its teeth on my spine. Its front paws slammed into my shoulders and we hit the ground so hard we bounced. When we hit the ground it started shaking its head back and forth, teeth clamped tight, trying to snap my neck.

If this was the real world I would be dead ten times over by now. As this was my mind I was only in a lot of pain. The wolf had me pinned, I tried to shake it off but it remained latched on my neck.

I tried to think, which was hard as the wolf did its best to give me whiplash, this was my mind. I shouldn't need to see the wolf to finish it. I focused on it, trying to set it on fire, or make it disappear. Nothing happened.

Crack.

I felt something in my neck snap, but the wolf just kept going. She wasn't going to be happy until my head was separated from my body. Even in my mind I doubted I could survive that.

Alright if I can't affect the wolf what about the rest of this place. I focused on our surroundings. Suddenly the tree grew a new branch, it stabbed the wolf in its back yanking it from my abused body.

I tried to move, and found that while I could move my body, my head could not support itself. My spine must have broken, and the less said about the state of my neck, the better. 'Bloody mess' didn't begin to cover it.

I tore off a strip of bark off the tree and made it into a makeshift neck brace. I couldn't move my head, but at least it was upright. I summoned my knife to me and made my way over to where the wolf was still impaled.

"Well aren't you a pitiful sight." The wolf should have been dead, the branch had caught it square in the back and kept going. The part of the branch in the wolf was a good foot in diameter. I guess mental constructs are tougher than their real world counter parts. The wolf let out a low pitched whine of pain. I frowned, I hated causing animals pain. Time to finish this.

I kneeled down next to it and brought my knife to its neck, it whined again. i pressed the blade to it's neck, but stopped when I touched it with my bare hand.

I dropped my hand and frowned this didn't feel right. When Hermione had said that the rage spirit had changed something, I had assumed it had left something behind. But, this wolf didn't feel foreign, overly aggressive yes, but not foreign.

The necklace may have given it form, had stoked its anger and paranoia, but it was still made up of me. The primal part of me, the hind-brain where all our instincts and deep dark fears are kept. If I killed it I would be killing a piece of myself and, incredibly stupid suicide by Quirrell plans aside, I was not into self-harm.

I flexed a mental muscle and the branch retracted. Leaving the wolf bleeding heavily on the ground. I formed a collar and placed it on the wolf's neck. "I can't kill you, your part of me, but that doesn't mean that I going to let you run wild. I've been on edge for weeks because of you. I almost stabbed my friend because of you. If you're going to stay you better understand that I'm in charge." I grabbed the wolf by the neck and looked it straight in the eye. "Got it?"

She turned her eyes to the forest floor, and tilted her head, showing me her neck as sign of submission. I blinked. "Well, ok then." I stood and started making my way out of the forest. I made it to the fence and jumped it. The wolf, who had been following me, stopped, it whined and scratched at the gate.

"You want in, huh?" another whine. I focused on the fence and it changed. Morphing from a barrier against the wild to an open gate. The wolf walked through, as it did it too changed. It went from a barely nonviolent, and only reluctantly nonviolent, wolf to something a little more dog like. "Huh."

It meant something, but I was far too tired to figure out what. I made my way back to the lazy-boy and sat down. Time to get back to the real world.

Breath. Focus. Sense.

I opened my eyes in the real world and relaxed into the chair. "I should get up." But I was tired, very tired. The last few weeks had been challenging. I had had to pretend to be mostly ok while every instinct screamed at me to kill all the treats. "I have things to do." I closed my eyes. Just a little nap.

I was out like a light.