DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.

Twitter: themusiksnob - see profile for link and protected tweet explanation

So, we're at the climax, and there's two chapters left after this one. Just a little warning that there is some information imparted in this chapter that may be unnerving to some readers. This is another chapter with alternating perspectives (although the last two are both from Clare's POV).

A million thanks to AlbatrossTam14, which read about six different drafts of his chapter and has given me so much support on this whole fic that I would not be able to write without her. I posted this on chapter 1, but I'll put it again, because she is an amazing writer and you should make sure you read her fics. She is in my favorite authors as ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887.

Chapter 14

"Have you seen Eli?" I asked every person I knew as I looped around the dance floor. I had already checked all the hallways and had sent K.C. into the nearest men's room to look for him. He had left almost 30 minutes ago and I was worried that something was really wrong.

I spotted Adam snuggled up to Fiona on the bleachers and ran over to them. "Have you seen Eli?" I was out of breath and frantic.

"I haven't," Adam said, and Fiona shook her head. "But I think I know why he's so upset today."

"And why is that?"

"It's April 22nd." My confusion was evident until he added. "The day Julia died."

I gasped and covered my hand with my mouth. I was such an idiot. I didn't even remember the date that was so important to my boyfriend. No wonder he didn't want to come to the dance. I forced him to parade around with me and he wanted to get away and be alone with me because he knew he'd be upset - not because he wanted to ruin my night. I wondered how many other times I had thought he was being clingy but really he was just distressed and needed some support.

"If you see him, tell him to call me."

I figured there was a good chance that Eli had decided to escape the dance and hang out in Morty since I knew he often did that when he was upset. I grabbed my jean jacket from my locker and then burst through the doors to find Fitz lying against the steps, a huge welt forming on his face.

"Are you okay?" I asked, kneeling down next to him.

"I just need some ice. Bianca went to get the nurse."

I knew the answer to the question before I asked it, but I had to know for sure. "Did Eli do this to you?"

He laughed wryly. "Next time you tell your boyfriend about your secret kisses could you give a guy a heads up? Whatever happened to 'don't tell anyone?'"

My eyes flew open. Eli knew about the kiss. How did he know? "Where is he?"

"He took off in the deathmobile." I looked over to the parking lot and saw that Morty was gone.

"I can't believe this," I mumbled, pulling my cell phone out of my coat pocket.

Fitz grabbed my arm. "Clare, I know you don't believe me, but he's on something, I'm telling you. You need to find out where he is and get him off the road before he kills himself and takes someone else with him."

"How long has he been gone?" I was starting to feel hysterical.

"20 minutes maybe?"

Shit. I dialed Eli's number walking away from Fitz toward Eli's empty parking spot.

Pick up, Eli. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

I drove straight to my house and somehow managed to get there in one piece even though my vision was a little blurry. I saw that Cece's car was in the driveway and there was more than one light on so she was definitely home. I couldn't go inside and have her see me like this; as much as I wish she could comfort me since my heart was breaking, she'd know I was using.

I stepped out of the car, swaying slightly and pounded my fist against Morty's hood. My knuckles were bloody and raw from punching Fitz. My heart was pounding and I felt a little nauseous and I was hoping that if I just stood still for a moment, that things would start to look better.

I didn't believe in God but it felt like the kind of moment where if I did, I'd be looking at up at the sky and screaming "Why?" I felt like the ground had fallen out from under me.

These pills were fucking with my brain. I just wanted to lay down on the ground and stare up at the stars. I wanted to forget the world and watch all the colors as they floated by. But every time I tried to focus, the image of Clare and Fitz popped into my head.

Clare did this to me. Clare. What did I do to deserve this?

My legs felt like they were going to collapse and I crawled back into the driver's seat. I banged my head against the steering wheel three times in frustration.

What was I supposed to do? I didn't think I could live without Clare, but I knew I couldn't be with her. Not after this.

I took the picture of Julia and me out of my pocket once more. "What should I do, Jules? You always gave me the best advice. You knew me better than anyone in the world. What should I do?"

A tear dropped onto the picture and I wiped it away before it could mar her beautiful face. The picture was taken almost three years ago, but it felt like it was yesterday. It felt like I could reach out and touch her.

Don't cry.

The words in my head sounded exactly like Julia's voice and it made me cry even harder. I remembered everything about the way she looked, how she smelled, how she tasted, but the first thing I lost was the sound of her voice. This was the first time I remembered it exactly, so clearly and surely. I missed her so much that just the sound of her voice killed me.

Eli, don't cry.

What the fuck? Through my blurred eyes, I could see Julia say these words to me in the picture. Her mouth moved and I could see the version of me portrayed in the picture was grinning just a little bit wider than usual.

"Julia?"

I'm here, Eli. I'm here for you.

She was here. I thought I had lost her but she was here. "Julia," I sobbed even louder, but these were tears of joy. "I missed you so much."

I missed you too.

"You're alive…" My heart was fluttering so quickly it almost hurt and I felt like I was floating.

I never left you.

"Jules, I don't know what to do. I love Clare but she broke my heart…and you're here now."

I hate that she hurt you. I can make it all better.

Julia always knew how to do that. She could fix everything. We fought all the time but she always fixed it. She didn't go around kissing my mortal enemy when things got tough.

I stroked the picture but I couldn't feel her the way I wanted to. "How can I see you? I need you…I need you to hold me…You broke my heart when you left me and Clare broke my heart and Mike…I'm just broken, Jules. I'm so broken."

Come find me. You know where I am.

I propped her picture up on the dashboard and turned Morty back on. Julia was waiting for me.

Pick up, Eli. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

It rang and rang and I was so afraid he didn't have his phone with him. When his voicemail picked up, I hung up and dialed again.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

"What do you want?" Eli picked up and sounded angrier than I have ever heard before.

"Where are you?" My voice was desperate.

"Like you fucking care…"

I cringed at his harsh words. Eli didn't even sound like himself. "Eli, I can explain."

"Don't bother, Clare. Why don't you go kiss Fitzy-boy again? You'd clearly rather be with him than be with me."

"That's not true and you know it."

"I don't know what to believe anymore." Eli's voice was so loud I had to hold my ear away from the phone. I heard a deafening honking noise and realized he was driving.

"Eli, are you driving? You need to pull over. It's not safe." I could barely breathe at the thought of him driving this upset, let alone under the influence of something.

"You know what's not safe, Clare. Having to go to school with the guy who tried to kill me. That's not safe. Finding out your girlfriend kissed the guy who tried to kill you…that's not safe."

Tears were pouring down my face. "Eli, it was a mistake. He kissed me one time and I stopped it. I love you."

"Save it. If you loved me, you wouldn't want to take a break. If you loved me, you wouldn't be afraid of my problems. You'd be there for me when I needed you most."

My lungs deflated as I realized Eli must have overheard me talking to Alli in the hallway earlier. "I am here for you, Eli. Pull over and tell me where you are, and I'll come to you. We can talk this through. I just don't understand what's going on with you."

"Oh you understand, alright. I heard you. You know exactly what's wrong with me. You know how broken I am." He let out a strangled cry that broke my heart. "I can't believe you kissed Fitz. I can't believe I couldn't protect you from him. Do you know what he's going to do to you?"

"He's not going to do anything, Eli. It was one kiss and I stopped it and it's over. I'll stay away from him. Please just pull over and tell me where you are."

"He's not going to stay away. Fitz is a bully. And bullies will do anything they can to take everything from you. He's going to hurt you just like Mike hurt me. He's going to take you from me and he's going to destroy you, just like Mike did to me."

Was Eli telling me what I thought he was telling me? "Eli, what are you saying?"

He took a deep breath and my heart stopped. "Mike raped me. Is that what you want to hear? You want to know how he destroyed me when I was nine years old and how I cowered in fear every time he came near me in case he tried to do it again? How I had to explain to my mother why I came home from school with bloody, torn clothes on more than one occasion?"

Oh my God. I…I couldn't even form a complete thought. "Eli," I said softly, but he cut me off.

"You don't want to hear about that. You only want to hear about your precious play and your kisses with Fitz. Just don't come crawling back to me after he takes everything from you." He let out an anguished cry that made him sound like a wild animal. "You made a promise, remember? That you'd never leave me."

"I'm not leaving you, Eli. I love you."

"That's not true. If you loved you, you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have kissed Fitz. You wouldn't have hurt me." He paused for a brief moment and I wondered if there was anything I could say to make this better. But his next words came out in a scream that I would never be able to forget.

"You ripped my heart out."

I didn't think it was possible for a person's heart to physically break but the pang in my chest shot through my whole body.

"Please, Eli. Pull over. I need to see you and we need to talk."

"You left me. But there's one person in my life that still loves me."

I ran through the list of people in my head: Adam. Bullfrog. Cece. He was either headed home or headed back to school.

"I'm going to see Julia."

Was Eli going to kill himself? I fell to my knees, realizing that if I didn't get through to him now that I might lose him forever.

"Eli, where are you?" No response.

"Eli, I love you." No response.

"Eli, answer me!"

I heard the squeal of tires and the sound of metal crashing and then I heard nothing.

"Clare?"

I opened my eyes and blinked at the harsh fluorescent lighting. I was in the hospital waiting room leaning on my father's shoulder and I finally fallen asleep. Cece was standing in front of me and she held out her hand to me.

"Eli's awake. He's asking for you."

My dad squeezed my shoulder and I let Cece lead me. I saw that Adam and Fiona and Alli and Sav were all waiting and Alli shot me a teary smile.

Now that I was awake the memories of the past few hours came pouring back. Collapsing in the parking lot sure that Eli was dead. Fitz and Bianca carrying me back to the school and finding Adam for me. Cece's frantic phone call fifteen minutes later when the police found Eli's phone in the car and called her to tell her that her son was on the way to the hospital.

The only things I knew for sure were that Eli had broken his left arm in two places and that he had woken up just long enough to tell the doctor he had taken ketamine. I didn't even know what that was, but the doctor informed Cece and Bullfrog that it was more commonly known as Special K.

I also knew that Eli was lucky. He crashed into a tree and he could have died and he could have killed people and he didn't. I said a silent prayer of thanks when I heard that news.

But as I walked down the hallways toward Eli's room, I clutched Cece's hand for dear life. I didn't know what to say to Eli. He tried to kill himself and he was still alive and while I was grateful for that, I didn't know what I could do. I had driven him to take his own life. I couldn't believe he had asked to see me. I would never want to see me again if I were him.

When we arrived at the room, Cece popped her head in the door and motioned for Bullfrog to join her. "We'll give you a moment."

I could see Bullfrog wiping a tear from his eye as he left.

Eli was lying in bed, with his black jacket from the dance with one sleeve ripped off. His arm was in a cast and sling and he was staring at the ceiling. Part of me wanted to touch him, to make sure he was still alive, but part of me was also afraid.

I didn't know what to say, so I took one step closer and Eli turned his head to look at me. We gazed at each other, teary-eyed until finally he broke the silence. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, Eli," I whispered, as the tears fell down in sheets.

"Clare…" his voice was hoarse and his husky tone shot right through me. "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just…I want to make things right between us."

And part of me finally realized that was never going to happen between us. "Eli, I can't be with you anymore."

His face was pained. "But Clare…"

"Eli, you scare me. You're a wreck. You went from being the sweetest guy on the whole planet to a controlling, possessive jerk. You've been lying to me about the drugs. You kept your past hidden from me. And tonight you tried to kill yourself…I can't…I can't handle this."

Eli nodded. "I get it, Clare." He turned his face away from me but I could see his body shaking with tears.

"I need you to get better," I said softly.

"I'm not sure I know how," he admitted. "I'm pretty messed up."

God, Eli had been through so much and he was only seventeen years old. It wasn't fair. "I want to help you."

Eli turned back toward me. "Will you promise me one thing?"

"What is it?"

He motioned for me to come closer and I took his good hand in mine, noticing how torn up it was from his fight from earlier. "I think my parents are going to send me away for a while. I know I need the help. But I'm scared that you won't be there for me when I get back."

I hesitated and Eli gripped my hand harder. "I'm not asking you to stay with me as my girlfriend…but I need you to promise that we'll talk about this. That you'll let me explain. If I have to lose you…well, I can't do anything about it…but I need you to know the truth. Promise me you'll let me tell you everything."

"I promise," I whispered.

I placed a hand on his cheek and leaned down to plant a kiss on his lips. "I love you, Eli. Nothing's going to change that. But I need you to get better. I can't feel like this ever again."

"All I can do is try," he said. "But for you…for us…I'll do anything."

His green eyes were full of sincerity and I threw myself into his arms. He held me with his good arm as we both cried. I didn't know what would happen between us, but I hoped this wouldn't be the last time that I was in his arms.