Please don't kill me for this.

Chapter XIV

I sat at my window seat, overlooking the city beneath me. It was dark, so I could only make out the lights from some of the buildings. Sometimes the moon would have given a faint glow so I could make out figures, but tonight the sky was thick with clouds. The rain was heavy, sometimes splattering the glass of the window when the wind suddenly changed direction.

I sighed, placing my head on my knees. I was trying to get my head around what had happened throughout the last 24 hours.

One, I had been saved by Paul (and his demon guards) from a group of men planning to sell me.

Two, I had woken up from unconsciousness in a random hospital ward in the castle, to find Paul sitting beside me. And then have Abbey walk in and point out just how disgusting my hair really was. Which led to lots of girlie things.

Three, I had had dinner with Paul, which then ended up with me going crazy and shouting at him for trying to lose me.

Which may or may not be true.

And then I ended up giving him the ultimatum of Isabelle or me.

Which kinda screws me up a bit. Why oh why had I said that?? And gone all crazy? Because now, although I didn't really like to admit it, Paul was going to get Isabelle first chance he could, and send me packing.

Now where the hell do I go?

I had already realised that I am stuck with nowhere to go – no one wanted me. I KNEW that! So why the hell did I practically give Paul the go ahead for chucking me?

Oh man. I need to learn to think before I speak.

So now I was sitting and wallowing in my room, pondering over whether I should just leave and find somewhere before I have no choice. Maybe Jesse wouldn't actually mind me staying… for a few days. While I got things sorted. I mean, he does kind of owe me one, considering if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have even BEEN here for the last seven years.

Usually, this thought would have made me angry. And upset.

But now? I felt like all of my emotions were mixed up. I wasn't upset, or angry, or even a little bit irritated. I felt like I was blaming myself for what happened. That maybe I should have done something to sort out my life, rather than put it into the hands of a temperamental demon.

My emotions were turning dangerous. I had no grip on them anymore. There's no doubt in whether they were going to make me do something incredibly stupid – again.

I picked at the hem of my nightdress, turning my thoughts back to other issues. For one, not only had I put myself in trouble for giving Paul the ultimatum, but I had also put Isabelle in danger. After I promised her that I would help her out. And how was I helping out exactly? Time and time again I would make mistake after mistake. And how could I help her out when Paul had chucked me out of the kingdom?

I groaned. Things were not going well.

There was a knock on my door. Before I had the chance to tell whoever it was to leave me alone, in walked Paul, who shut the door forcefully behind him.

"Suze, for God's sake, please hear me out."

"What the hell are you doing in my room? Get out!" Did I fail to mention that I was in a nightdress? A really THIN one?

"Look, Suze, I haven't been trying to lose you. Why the hell would I want to do that?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you're AFTER ANOTHER GIRL?"

He groaned, knocking a hairbrush off my dresser. In the back of my mind, I remembered that it was the same hairbrush that William had knocked over that one time. Huh.

"Shut up! I don't have another option – I'm running out of time, Suze! I need a queen, and you haven't exactly been willing. But that doesn't mean that I don't care that you live or die! And for your information, I had been looking every minute of every day for you! I had been going out of my mind, trying to find where the hell you were. So don't you DARE accuse me of not looking for you."

He had now come dangerously close to me, so we were almost touching. His anger had caused a storm outside, and the wind was howling loudly, bolts of lightening shining the room.

"But… the screen…" I said, in a small voice.

"The screen can only work so well. It's not really an exact science. The room you were in was so much like all the others… everything was the same! I couldn't pinpoint where you were, so we had to keep waiting." He stalked around the room now, not looking at me. He kept talking, almost as if I wasn't even there. "God, I had been going out of my mind. I pretty much sent all the guards I had on the lookout for you – but no one got anything. I was going insane, having to wait for some sort of sign, but having to see you so… vulnerable. Locked up, and surrounded by so many dangerous demons that wouldn't think twice about killing you… I was so scared… so scared they were going to hurt you…"

His little speech had left me stunned. He really… cared that much?

"But why were you trying to find me?" He was about to cut in, but I stopped him. "No, I know that you didn't exactly want me dead, but why bring me back… here? I mean, if you're going after Isabelle, then why do I need to keep being here, locked up?"

"You're not locked up-"

"Really? Is that why I can't go anywhere on my own?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, that's just because it's dangerous. Look what happened! You've found out for yourself what happens when you wander the city alone. That's why I banned you from doing so – because I didn't want to risk it."

"Alright, fine. So if I'm not locked up, why do I need to be here? Why not let me go somewhere else entirely, away from demons, and just go get Isabelle?"

He groaned, annoyed that I had brought up Isabelle again. But then he looked down, almost ashamed to answer. He needed prompting.

"Well?"

He sighed, still not looking up at me. "It's entirely selfish… I just…" He was still reluctant to answer, but realised that I wasn't going to let him out easy. "I couldn't bear it if you left. I know what's happening, and what's going to happen, with Isabelle is wrong, and I wish I didn't have to do it, but I do, Suze. I need a queen, and she's the only chance I've got. And… well, I just wished it were you, Suze. If everything went out the way they were planned to, you would be my queen, and none of this would have happened. But I understand that, I understand you don't want to." He looked up then, hoping for me to interrupt. Well, I sure wasn't going to tell him that I wanted to be queen. He realised this, and looked away again, this time towards the small fireplace. "But I just couldn't let you go. As much as I want you to be happy, I can't let you go. Selfish, I know. But hey, I'm a demon." He tried to crack a smile, but it turned into a grimace.

"Do you want me around just for your sake, or because I have some use?"

He looked at me then, so I could see his vulnerable expression. He was letting his guard down. "No, Suze, not at all. I know it's incredibly selfish of me-"

"Damn right it's selfish! I have no real use here. Well, I have no use anywhere, but I can't just stay around for no reason."

"I know that, I do. But if you left…"

"You'd have more chance to get to your Izzy, with no worries of me interfering. I mean, she's more willing to be queen, I'm sure she'll be willing to sleep with you as well-"

"God, Suze, don't…" He furrowed his brow, looking out the window behind me. "I wouldn't… I couldn't… Not now I…"

"Not now you what, Paul?" Is it just me, or was this conversation getting a little uncomfortable? "It's not like you haven't slept with anyone before. I'm sure it wouldn't exactly be difficult for you-"

"Of course it would!" He took two strides towards me, getting close to me. His face was angry, and it took all I had not to step back. "How could I even kiss another girl when I'm in love with YOU?"

… What now?

Before I had the chance to even think about what he had said, his lips were on mine, all of his anger, frustration, and passion pouring out of him. His hands, which were resting on my arms, had now grabbed hold of my waist, and roughly pulled me towards him. As I was stunned by this sudden turn of events, my mind couldn't concentrate on what was happening. My hands had wrapped themselves around his neck, pulling him closer, so our bodies were fusing together.

The bolts of lightening outside had nothing to the power surging through me from the kiss. It was so forceful, so passionate, that I almost forgot how to think; I could only focus on the strong hands wrapped around me, and the moving lips on mine.

Almost. After a while (a very… long while), my mind started whirring again, kicking into action.

"Paul, what-"

He had stopped as well, due to my movement away from him, so he was panting. He pulled me closer to him again. "Stop talking. Stop thinking."

"Okay."

And then his lips were on mine again, and I forgot about all those thoughts I had telling him to stop. I did what he said – I let my mind stop wandering, and focused in on what Paul was doing. He had thrown me on my bed, so his body was resting upon mine. It felt so wrong, so intimate, so dangerous…

I shouldn't let this go on. It could only hurt me later.

But when it felt like this?

I didn't care if it was wrong anymore.

-&-

I groggily opened my eyes to find a faint ray of sunshine beaming directly into my face.

Huh. That's odd. Sun? Hadn't seen that in a long time, even if it wasn't overly bright.

And why was it on my face? Someone mustn't have closed the curtains last night.

I turned over, trying to get my eyes out of the sun. To find part of a body. Paul's body, to be exact.

He was looking just as tired as I felt, his eyes not fully adjusting to the morning light. I'm betting the sun didn't help his attempt either.

"Good morning."

I was in shock.

What. The hell. Did I do. Last night.

Then the memories came back full-force, and I finally understood why Paul was in my bed. Naked.

Oh craaaaaaaaaap.

"…Hi."

This wasn't going well.

He smirked, looking smug. Oh, kill me now. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine." I squeaked back. Was I fine? I subtly tried to shake out my muscles. Physically, I was okay. A little sore maybe (let's not go into THAT one…), but fine. Mentally? Well, I had just slept with someone I had always said I hated, and although I should probably hate myself right now (or hate Paul), I felt somewhat… at peace? It was as if something finally fell into place, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I'm not going to go over the top cliché and say I feel complete, or anything, but I definitely felt something…

And it really wasn't an unpleasant feeling.

"Good." He took a final look at me, now I had positioned myself more onto my back, and relaxed. Any smirk on his face had disappeared, replaced by this new slightly vulnerable expression that I had had a glimpse of last night. He sighed. "Good."

We were both staring at the ceiling, lying next to each other. I didn't really think that this was the socially acceptable way of behaving after what we had done last night, but I really didn't know what WAS the right thing to do after two people… you know.

But after giving him something precious last night, I wanted a few more minutes at least to think to myself.

I mentally went over what had happened last night. I had gone all crazy after my emotions had gotten the best of me, and shouted at Paul. More shouting. And then Paul getting all crazy too. Him kissing me. More kissing. Lots of kissing. And… other stuff.

I knew I would do something stupid if I let my emotions get the better of me. I mean, look at what happened!

But… was it really that stupid? Or wrong? I mean, technically, we were meant to be married already. Is it really that surprising that this happened, or was this always going to happen? And fate just had a very weird way of making its course?

Paul cleared his throat. "Suze… please tell me what you're thinking."

I turned my face to the side, to see him staring at me with desperation in his eyes. "I'm just… thinking that… Well…" Oh man. Just form a goddamn sentence. "Was this wrong?"

I was blushing, embarrassed by my stupid question (yeah, you really sounded 23 THERE, idiot). His face was slightly shocked at first, but then he looked slightly… sad. Like he was upset by my question.

"No, Suze, this wasn't…" he sighed. It seemed he was having as much difficulty as I was at forming a sentence. He turned towards me more, so he was staring right in my eyes, like he was reading them. "This wasn't wrong. Please don't think that. I don't want you to… regret what happened."

"Regret?" I realised that I hadn't felt that, neither last night nor this morning. "I don't think I… regret it. I just… can't help feeling that maybe it was a mist-"

I was cut off by Paul practically throwing himself on me, covering my mouth with his hand. "Don't say that!" He was almost shouting at me, with his face very close to mine, hovering above me.

"But don't you think we shouldn't have-" I mumbled, but he cut me off, knowing what I was trying to say.

"No, Suze. This wasn't a mistake. This wasn't wrong. Please don't think that." His eyes were pleading with; he was truly upset that I had thought this. "Last night was… God, it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Please don't regret it."

I looked up at him, stunned by his words. I remembered some of the words he had said to me last night. He told me he loved me.

And how could I regret something that made him so happy, when he loved me?

"I don't." I mumbled around his hand. He smiled, relaxing, and settled back into his laying position.

I turned slightly, and moved so I could lay my head on his chest, and wrapped an arm around his waist. He too wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him more. If someone had told me that I would do this voluntarily a few weeks – hell, even days – ago, I wouldn't have believed them. But now? It just felt to natural to be held by him, to be wrapped in each other's arms.

I had a vague flashback of the ball that I had attended, which felt like so many months ago… When Paul and me had danced together, and I couldn't help but think how right and safe it felt when I was in his arms.

And then after… Kissing Jesse…

I couldn't let myself kiss him. I had been worried about Paul hurting him, hurting me. But was it just that?

All I could think of when I was kissing him was Paul. How Paul would react if he found out. If he was watching. I wasn't thinking all that much on what it really felt like, what it was like to be with Jesse.

And then I couldn't let Jesse break that blood necklace. Because I couldn't let Jesse risk the safety of his kingdom? Or because I really just didn't want him to?

But why not? At the time, Paul was fixated on finding Isabelle. I was aware of that; I knew that I was going to be in danger when Paul took her. It was my chance to be free, to leave the castle.

And I couldn't let him do it.

Maybe I had been stuck in this place for so long, I felt like I couldn't leave. Although I didn't truly belong here, it was the one place that felt like home. But was it this place, or Paul?

Paul had always been so caring towards me, but I always tried to ignore it. But I couldn't deny the fact that I depended on him. Maybe not in the early stages, but certainly recently. I only really realized this when I was being held in the dungeons – the only person I wanted to come rescue me was Paul. I needed him the most.

And then when the demon started hitting on me, I had been so disgusted. Looking back, maybe it wasn't because I thought he was taking advantage. I think that, mainly, the reason was that it felt so disgusting because it wasn't Paul.

Something Paul had said was ringing in my mind.

…"Find romance in your demon kidnapper"…

Oh my god.

I was in love with Paul.