Title: Capturing Starlight
Author: Shi-koi
Fandom: Avengers / Thor
Rating: T+ (older teens and upwards)
Characters/Pairings: Loki, Thor, Avengers.
Warnings: Isolation, mental torture. Personality/Character reconstruction.
Summary: What makes a truth; belief, or knowledge? Is Loki a monster because he believes it, or is he one because others believe his race is? Aka: the story where Thor proves his love for his brother, and ropes the Avengers into helping him fix Loki. Also, Odin gets his just desserts.
Notes: Post Avengers movie.
I'm sorry for not responding to all these brilliant, wonderful reviews. I've been really behind, and I'll try to catch up. =^_^=
-offers chocolate frosted cupcakes-
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«´¨`•° Capturing Starlight °•´¨`»
*´'`°¤¸¸.•'´*`'•.¸¸¤°´'`*
¨'°ºO cнapтёґ fоцґтёєйOº°'¨
=»«=
Day Unknown
I cannot take much more of this I cannot bear it I cannot I cannot I cannot. My mind twists and turns and I think too much of losing myself. I am lost always lost always alone everything is empty empty empty. I cannot remember what is outside of these walls. Why am I here! Am I alive? Am I dead? Where am I? Does anyone miss me? Does anyone know me? Am I real?
Please? Please please please let me out please let me out I don't want to be here any more please I cannot bear it I cannot stay here please free me kill me let me die please please please let me out let me out take me take me away destroy me empty me let me fade let me disappear I don't want to be here I don't want to live please please please...
(¯`*•¤°¨'°ºO Oº°'¨°¤•*´¯)
"No. I refuse to believe that Loki's mind is lost. I refuse," Thor states flatly, lips pursed and arms crossed.
"Thor, it's not something you can deny. The facts are staring you in the face," Bruce says gently, eyes soft with shared understanding end empathy. It's always been one of his faults, becoming too emotionally involved, and he cannot help but feel pained as he takes in Thor's desperate need for Loki to be fine...just sleeping.
Bruce heaves a sigh, but doesn't push the matter. "Look, how about we keep Loki in here and -"
"No," Thor's voice is cold.
Bruce expected that response, so he tries another tack. "Okay, then would you mind if we relocated some of this equipment to his room? Maybe we'll find something out that will tell us how to help him."
Thor's face wavers in indecision.
"We'll be as careful as we can possibly be," Bruce assures the blond, "and we'll try to stay out of your way," he soothes.
Thor's shoulders slump. "Very well," he grudgingly agrees.
(¯`*•¤°¨'°ºO Oº°'¨°¤•*´¯)
Things settle into an odd kind of routine. It's difficult at first, but once Loki's bedroom is set up to Bruce's and Thor's requirements, things trundle along and fall together nicely. Tony makes off with all of Loki's diaries, and spends the first few weeks scanning in all of the entries into a private server connected directly to JARVIS's mainframe.
When he's done, he ropes Thor in to helping him move all of the books back into Loki's bedroom, which now looks like a high class hospital room.
The reading from the machines are sent directly to Bruce's StarkPad, so he only has to check on the equipment and Loki once every day, usually in the mornings as Thor prepares the smoothie he feeds Loki every morning. He finishes and leaves Thor feeding Loki, before going over the previous night's readings.
Sometimes Tony joins him, sometimes he doesn't, he's still setting up folders for the informations JARVIS is organising in Loki's diaries. The rest of the time he splits between his lab, bothering Bruce, checking up on Thor and Loki and bugging Steve and Clint and Natasha into half-group activities, actually managing to make their usual movie night move on to Thor's floor without them realising it, and it soon becomes a bi-weekly event.
Thor can be coaxed to join them at times, although he's a bit harder to convince than even Bruce, and he still carries Loki with him everywhere, making Bruce bite back a sigh of frustration every time he has to reconnect Loki to the machines because Thor suddenly decided to take Loki out on the balcony to get some sun, or decided Loki needed to sit in the lounge, or when he wanted a bath and didn't want to leave Loki alone for too long, dragging a couch to the bathroom door and keeping Loki within his sight as he bathes.
Bruce soon realises that other than breathing, none of Loki's other bodily functions are working. His hair is not getting any longer, his nails do not grow, and even though he eats, well, drinks Thor's regular smoothies, he has no bowel movements. When Bruce tests Loki's reflexes, there are no responses. His muscle tone is not deteriorating, and his breathing rate never, ever changes.
When all the data proves inconclusive, Bruce finally takes his finding to Thor and explains them and all the oddities about Loki's condition.
"I think," he says delicately, "that the only way we have of moving forward is to read Loki's diaries. There might be something in them that could point to the reason why Loki's in this state. It's obvious that he cannot have been in this state during his entire imprisonment, so we need to know what changed."
It works, and Thor agrees.
With Thor's agreement on his side, Bruce heads for Tony next. It isn't hard to get him to agree to Bruce's idea, and they discuss what it is they need to look for.
"I think we should start with the last entries and work backwards," Bruce suggests.
"I'd rather have JARVIS list the potentially dangerous entries," Tony counters.
Bruce frowns. "Why don't we ask Thor to start from the beginning, I'll start at the end, and you start with whatever entries JARVIS flags," Bruce finally proposes.
Tony nods. "I'll get an extra durable sPad for Thor...maybe set it up with large text," he snorts.
"Meet you in Loki's room?" Bruce asks.
"Yeah. Give me five minutes and I'll join you."
It's easy to bring Thor into their idea. He's keen and eager to do something to help, and while grim at the prospect of reading through all of Loki's diaries with two men not of Loki's family, he knows them to be men of honour, and that they will hold to their oaths.
When Tony joins them, Bruce has arranged the bed into more of a nest. Loki lays in the centre of the massive bed, with Thor on one side near the door, and Bruce sitting on Loki's other side, but at the foot of the bed, his back resting on a mound of pillows piled against the foot-board. There's a similar pile of pillows at the head of the bed beside Loki, and even Thor has a mound of pillows behind him.
Tony grins. "Cool," he says with a small laugh as he climbs on the bed and settles in against his own mound of pillows. When he's comfortable, he passes Thor a large sPad, easily a foot by a foot and a half in length. It's already switched on, and the first journal entry is on the screen along with two large arrows on either side, pointing forward and back.
Bruce already has his sPad in hand, since he already uses it for the data he collected from Loki, and within moments the room is silent except for their breathing.
(¯`*•¤°¨'°ºO Oº°'¨°¤•*´¯)
Day 1
At least I will be comfortable while I wait for Odin to come to a decision.
Fools. They are, all of them, fools. Hypocrites and fools. They have long denigrated me for being too 'soft' and 'lacking as a warrior' and yet when I show how dangerous an opponent I can be, I am not praised as a warrior, no, I am hunted down and imprisoned.
When Thor sought war, he was merely treated like a disobedient child, accused of not thinking about the cost of the innocent lives at stake should a war be inevitable. My way, there would have been no loss of life, and a race of monsters would have become extinct.
And Midgard! They have always cried out for stability, for them to be assured of their survival. Their lives are so brief, and yet they kill and kill and kill. I could have offered a way out of that life.
Imagine! A world united under a single ruler. No more wars. No more hate. No more suffering. I would have been a good ruler. I would have been hard, yet fair, and I would have taken care of all those who bowed to my rules.
Of course there would be some loss of life in the beginning. There will always be those foolish enough to fear change, who fear freedom from choice, who fear the safety of being ruled, but I would not have been cruel.
The Chitauri would have attempted to rule the universe, and they would have failed, but they would have been far from Midgard and Asgard when that came to be. They would have helped me secure Midgard, then moved on to greener pastures, and Midgard would have been forgotten by them, to live in peace under my rule.
Yet by defying me, they have sown the seeds of their own destruction. Without the Tesseract, there is no way for me to bargain for the safety of Midgard or Asgard. I have nothing left to offer, and so there will be a reckoning.
† ❤ † ❤ † ❤ † ❤ †
Day 2
Odin has not been to glare at his wayward game piece – how odd. I would sneer, but I would hate to end up looking like Odin.
I never before realised how weak these Æsir are. I am disgusted to have once thought myself unworthy of them. They laud their accomplishments and their feats of strength and power, but when faced with the real hard choices, they flounder and fail. It is no wonder the cost to the Æsir was so high in the Era of Battle, so many of them no doubt quailed at the hard choices one must make in order to win.
I will never be weak again.
† ❤ † ❤ † ❤ † ❤ †
Day 3
I wonder how many of Odin's secrets wander the palace halls. I wonder if there are more like me – stolen and unknowing.
† ❤ † ❤ † ❤ † ❤ †
Day 4
This is ridiculous! Odin you coward! Where are you? Are you afraid to face your greatest and worst creation? Do you fear to see yourself in my eyes.
Face me you deceitful old man!
(¯`*•¤°¨'°ºO Oº°'¨°¤•*´¯)
Thor sighs and looks away from the current entry on the page before him. The anger in Loki is clear in these entries, and it hurts to find out how his brother was thinking when he was first imprisoned.
"I need a break," Tony says abruptly, his face white and his lips pulled taut and bloodless. There's a fierceness in his eyes that Thor has only rarely seen, and only ever in battle or during spars.
Bruce looks up and blinks, his own face pale and sickly. There's green edging up around his ears, but Thor does not know if it is the monster inside the man coming out, or if the other man is feeling ill. Perhaps it's a bit of both, he decides.
"I need a break too," Bruce agrees, his voice hoarse. He places the pad in his hand down on the bed, face down, fingers trembling slightly. He almost runs out of the room, and Tony finds him in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, his eyes scrunched closed and one hand gripping the metal of the sink so hard his fingers are white.
"Bad?" Tony asks.
Bruce laughs. It's a horrible, broken noise. "I think," he says, his voice wavering, "that I would happily help Thor kill Odin if I had the opportunity."
Tony takes in a deep breath. "I think I'd have to help you," he admits.
Bruce glances up and takes in Tony's serious expression, all traces of levity wiped from his face. "Can I ask you a question?"
Tony shrugs, but doesn't say no, so Bruce takes that as an okay.
"At the beginning, did you think that Loki deserved this for killing so many people?" Bruce asks, painfully honest.
"Did you?" Tony counters.
Bruce looks away. "At first, yeah. I had a moment of thinking that it was Loki's comeuppance."
"...You weren't the only one," Tony admits, grimacing.
They share a moment of shared understanding, before Tony asks, "was it that bad at the end?"
"I think..." Bruce pauses, obviously trying to find the right words, "I think that even if Loki wakes up...he's going to be...damaged."
"We knew that much," Tony points out.
"No," Bruce shakes his head. "I mean really, really damaged. He might not even know who he is. Those last few entries..." he trails off swallowing through a suddenly dry throat, "Loki...he didn't know who he was, where he was, why he was there, or even if he was real. He...he begged..."
Tony drags Bruce into a half-hug, for lack of anything to say that could help. "Did he beg to be freed?" he asks quietly.
Bruce shudders. "Yeah. But Tony, he begged to die. Loki. The guy who laughed and postured through everything...begged...begs...begs to die, to be killed. That...whatever, whoever Loki was at the end...it's barely human."
"Loki was never human," Tony shoots out, but his voice is grim.
"Yeah, but he's not all that different from us, as far as needs go."
"Yeah."
"We should get back to Thor."
"Agreed."
(¯`*•¤°¨'°ºO Oº°'¨°¤•*´¯)
It's dark when they stop reading. They've taken more than a handful of breaks, together and alone, and Tony has been nursing a scotch since lunch. Bruce had cringed at it, but not said anything.
When someone knocks at the bedroom door, none of them are in any kind of state to feel surprised. All three of them feel like their emotions have been seared from their bodies, leaving only a gaping, deep scar of horror and pain.
"Enter," Thor says, barely louder than a murmur. His face has tear tracks that have dried, but he doesn't seem to care or notice when Natasha steps into the room and carefully takes in the state of the three men and Loki.
Bruce's eyes are haunted and dark, and Tony had bruises around his eyes from rubbing them, and his face is pale. Besides the tear tracks, Thor's face is oddly empty of emotion, which is odd for Natasha to see, considering how open the big blond is about how he feels, wearing all of his emotions on his face for the world to see.
"Clint's brought dinner," she says eventually, neutrally.
"I don't think I could eat," Tony replies lowly.
"I would prefer to drink something strong," Thor rumbles.
"I want to be sedated," Bruce says seriously.
"Jesus, what the hell happened to you three?" Clint asks, coming in the room to stand next to Natasha.
"We've been reading Loki's diaries," Tony waves one pad in the air. "I think I want to be sick. No offence Thor, but I really hope this hasn't happened before and been forgotten, because otherwise...I could favour patricide only after torture, and trust me – I know torture," he's deadly serious, which shocks both Natasha and Clint, but when Bruce agrees and Thor simply nods, they know that there's more to this than they know, and Natasha needs to know what those diaries say, but she's not quite ready to throw her lot in with Loki, not until Clint feels strong enough to not feel threatened by her sympathy for Loki.
"Your support is appreciated," Thor eventually replies, placing his own oversized pad to one side.
"Are you guys coming to eat?" Clint asks.
Tony sighs.
"Even if you don't want to eat, at least come sit with us, get out of here, you too Thor – and Loki," Natasha is firm, but she keeps her voice soft.
For a moment or two she thinks she's going to be ignored, but then Thor shifts uneasily and Bruce sighs, sliding off the side of the bed, Tony following just behind him. After a moment Thor heaves a breath of indecision and then makes up his mind, lifting Loki into his arms.
They all make for the lounge, but despite the array of food Steve is setting out, Thor simply sits on the couch, keeping possessively Loki in his arms as though he's afraid that at any moment his brother is going to vanish despite his desperate grip. To the others' surprise, Bruce sits beside Thor on the couch, and Tony sits beside Bruce. The three of them are quiet as Steve and Natasha and Clint eat, choosing drinks instead.
Tony keeps their glasses filled, even though by the time the meal is over the three men have somehow managed to finish a litre and a half of scotch, which is an incredibly huge amount, however since Thor is drinking most of it, no-one points out how fast the alcohol is disappearing.
After a while, Steve eventually manages to coax the others to at least have a few snacks, but they eat mechanically, causing them to worry.
It's difficult for Steve, Natasha or Clint to draw the others into any kind of conversation, and after a while Clint sighs and tidies up the leftover food, placing it in the fridge for them to go through later. A few more hours after that and it gets too late for them to just sit in the room, and eventually Thor, Tony and Bruce are left alone as the others head for bed, all attempts at drawing out the three men into conversations having failed.
The next morning, Steve is the first one to come upstairs having searched for Tony and failed to find him, and when he can't find Bruce either he heads down to Thor's floor. He's surprised by the scene in the lounge.
All three men have taking the pillows from both bedrooms along with the blankets and the cushions and made up beds in the lounge. Loki is lying in the centre of them, with Thor sleeping beside him, closest to the windows, and Bruce sleeping near Loki's head, curled up half around Loki's braid, and Tony sleeping with his head half laying on Loki's leg.
It's an incredibly odd sight – to say the very least, and Steve is shocked into silence.
(¯`·._.·[tßÇ]·._.·´¯)