Chapter 14: Head under water

Monday morning Captain James stood before us like he used to, but he looked at ease in a way I had never seen before. His body relaxed, instead of stiff like he had spent the better part of his adolescence in a posh boarding school. He had an almost friendly look on his face and I even think a smile was playing in the corner of his mouth. Maybe he looked a bit like a man who had bedded a woman he had yearned for for a long time, what did I know.

I absolutely hated it and wanted Captain Stern-face back, tried not to think of what might have caused the change.

After Georgie Lane drove off in a dust cloud, or maybe I just imagined the dramatic dust cloud, but she drove off with squealing tires at least, I tried to keep appearances up for Jackie. Tried to be my normal, chirpy self despite that I felt very confused and sad somehow, because I did not feel like sharing my thoughts and true feelings even with her.

"Shit, that was really her, wasn't it?" she hissed, but Sergeant Wilson did not seem to pay much attention to our conversation. "The B&B bitch?"

"It was! I'd recognise her anywhere and if we had been in doubt, I think she was quite a bitch now too."

"And she's visiting Captain James! Wait, does that mean he was the guy who was there with her?"

Now the coin dropped for Jackie too.

"It's such an unlikely coincidence, but it must have been. Think of it, they're really alike. I can't believe we didn't recognise him even if we only saw him from behind."

"I guess one is blind when one doesn't expect something… Like when I ran into my old teacher on a beach in Spain and didn't recognise her even though I had seen her daily for three years."

"Did she recognise you?"

"Immediately, despite that she obviously had downed some sangrias. But back to Captain James, I can get over it! I never imagined he would be with someone like that. Not that he doesn't deserve a bitchy girlfriend when he has his asshole moments, but I never imagined he would put up with someone like her."

"No wonder his moody, if that's what awaits him at home."

We both giggled, and in my head, I heard Captain James words that we were like Chip n' Dale. Sometimes I thought he was right about that.

"How did you know his name is Charles?

"Oh, I must have heard it somewhere. Maybe Geddings said it."

Jackie was not the suspicious kind and bought my explanation without further ado. I felt a bit bad about lying to her, but I did not feel like revealing mine and Charles' a.k.a. Captain James' conversation. Especially not now when I was in very confused emotional state.

Once we were dismissed from guard duty, we only had our block jobs and a relaxing afternoon at the Welfare centre ahead of us. I did not feel very social though, so I told the girls I had a headache and stayed behind, lying on my bed with thoughts spinning madly.

I tried to come to terms with this merger of the personas of Charles and Captain James. Two men I found attractive somehow, but very different from each other – and so it turned out they were one and the same! Why had I not noticed how similar their voices were? Maybe because Charles had been talking softly and laughed and Captain James had only been harsh and serious in the beginning.

I reminisced what Charles and I had talked about in the garden, which was not difficult at all because I had played the conversation in my head so many times since then, never been able to let go.

"I wish I was like you, felt that everything is a new and wonderful experience. I don't feel like that about anything."

"Not about anything?"

"No, not for long. Much of the time I feel sort of... numb."

"Isn't there anything you like? That means something to you?"

"My son, obviously, and my job. I used to love my job, now I'm not sure about that either."

His emptiness and self-doubt had been so heart breaking, and then he had told me his work in the Army was his life and he loved it except when he was confined to a desk job. It was one of the many things during that trip that had tipped the scale for me, so I had felt it was inevitable that I enlisted. He had also been the one to make me realise that even though I had lost four years, I still had most of my life ahead of me and plenty of time to chose what to do with it. It had been quite the revelation and had been grateful to him for it. Grateful to Captain James as it turned out.

Most vividly however, I remembered his honest question.

"How do you know when you shouldn't be with someone anymore? How do you know if it's all wrong and you should give up trying? If you're with the wrong person?"

I had asked him if it was not as simple as feeling that you are with the one person you want to be with. As he still was with her, he must have come to the conclusion that in the end, she was the one for him. It made me sad, not only for his sake but stupidly for my own too. Suddenly I wondered what they were doing right now, if maybe they were in his room making up for time apart. In bed. I found the thought so disturbing that I shook it off with a shudder. I just could not bear imagining them naked together – not when I wanted it to be me. I wanted it to be me.

There, I had allowed myself to think the thought. I wanted Captain James. I had wanted him when I did not know he was Charles and I wanted him even more now, so much that my body ached when I thought of it. I wanted to be in his arms, wanted to touch him, kiss him, whisper to him with my lips close to his – because I was in love with him. How very, very inconvenient, and stupid and absolutely futile.

Then an unsettling thought emerged. Did he know? Was he aware that it had been me he was talking to in the darkness in the garden? There was no way to know for sure, but suddenly his words that he found himself telling me things he should not, bore another significance. Maybe he had not only been talking about the moment at the cemetery, maybe he had eluded to the garden all along. That made sense, because he would for sure regret sharing what he did then with one of his recruits even more than being open with his grief at the cemetery. It was not like I pulled things out of him on purpose, but I very much liked when he confided in me. I could fully understand if he did not appreciate it in the same way.

I could not be sure if he knew, but there were a few facts I now was certain of; I was in love with him, he had a girlfriend/wife and a kid and he was certainly not in love with me. That meant that for my own sake, the best thing I could do was to try to keep my distance to him and just focus on passing through basic training. It had been my intention all along, yet I had allowed myself to fall for him. Realising his partner Georgie was a person very much of flesh and blood reminded me how utterly stupid that was, and I would have I it no more. Romantic thoughts of Captain James had to be completely banished from my mind.

Over the next weeks, I kept my head low and stayed as distant to him as I could. Sometimes I had the feeling he noticed the difference and wondered why, but it was not like he was pushing himself on me either – and why would he? We had a halfway exercise out in the woods where we were taught hand signals for patrolling, firing manoeuvres, casevacs and to how to supress the enemy. At barracks we continued with lessons about how to decontaminate chemical weapons, how to potentially spot Improvised Explosive Devices and learned the phonetic alphabet. We also learned basic skills in how to stop bleeding, deal with breakages and practised applying field dressings on each other. I realised how much I liked this part of our training and started leaning towards specialising as a combat medical technician in phase 2.

We were kept busy and I constantly pushed myself to the limit, so I was completely knackered every time I crashed in my bed. I successfully kept my mind off Captain James. Well, nearly at least.

During week ten of training, we headed off to the Brecon Beacons in Wales for our so-called Soldier Development Week. We were to camp out in the woods for the entire week and do different adventurous activities; biking through the woods, mountain climbing and abseiling on natural terrain, which I was terrified about initially, but it got better with the support from Geddings and James. We went for a cave adventure and trekking and had navigational exercises which now went much better than Jackie's and my first try with map and compass. In the evenings we had scoff by the fire and all the girls sat singing and talking, while Geddings and James kept to themselves, giving us space to just have fun.

One morning I woke up very early, even before reveille at zero five hundred and decided to get up and pee. When I returned, I saw Captain James sitting alone by the fire. He had probably had the last stag of the night. I thought I had better escape into the tent again, but he looked up and saw me before I could and then it seemed strange not to walk over to him and say good morning.

"You're up early, Dawes", he smiled.

"Thought I might get some quality alone-time with you, Sir." I said smiling in return and wondered why I made that stupid joke, maybe he really would think I wanted to spend time with him – which I did but should not and either way, did not want him to realise.

"Want some breakfast, Dawes?" He nodded for me to sit down. It seemed impolite not to.

"What's on the menu, Sir?"

He pointed to the cauldron on the fire.

"Porridge."

The usual, in other words.

"Nah, thanks but it's too early for that. Was hoping you'd have something proper nice to offer."

"Like what?"

"Toast with jam, or Coco puffs maybe."

My stomach rumbled at the thought of something tastier than porridge or Army rations in general, suddenly I missed the food at home even if the Dawes household never has been famous for gourmet cooking.

"Coco puffs?" he smirked. "Nothing but empty calories, hardly enough to last you until lunch out here."

"Maybe not, but oh so lovely..." I gave up a big sigh. "I wish you hadn't made me think of it. Now I'll long for Coco puffs until I'm home next time. What do you have for breakfast when your home?"

"Porridge."

Of course, he was the type who would eat a balanced and nutritious meal at home too. obviously, Coco puffs did not build that body.

"Or yogurt and fruits... or a mushroom omelette... or bacon and scrambled eggs... or maybe a toast with Nutella... My mum makes an awesome Nutella-stuffed French toast."

"Now we're talking."

I imagined Mrs. James making those toasts for him when he was a boy, growing up in that impressive house in Bath and loved that he turned out to have some weakness after all.

"Damn it Dawes, you made me long for all sorts of unhealthy food! And I could die for a Nespresso."

He looked down in his mug of tea with a look of distaste. I snorted.

"What?" He looked at me quizzically.

"Nothing, just that I should have guessed you're too posh for a plain cuppa."

"It's not that I'm snobbish, I just need proper coffee to be a fully functional man. I'll invite you for a real coffee sometime and I'm sure I'll win you around."

"I might try your pansy coffee if you make me one of them Nutella toasts too."

"Deal", he grinned.

I thought it was a very hypothetical situation. As if he ever would make me any other breakfast than the porridge in front of us, but maybe he was missing someone to share such a sumptuous breakfast with. I doubted that Georgie Lane ever had Nutella toast or Coco puffs for breakfast. She looked more like she would opt for a slice of cucumber.

"Do you want a brew, then? As I can't tempt you with the porridge?"

"Thanks, that would be nice if you're offering."

He handed me a mug of tea and our fingers touched briefly even though I tried to avoid it. This banter, this normality was not good for my intentions to put a lid on my feelings for him.

"Are you still enjoying basic training, Dawes?"

"I am. It's hard but time just flies by, never thought it would in the beginning. I'll miss the troop when we go off in different directions."

"You know what you want to do?"

"I was thinking of CMT."

He nodded.

"A good choice."

"You think?"

"As long as you don't expect to glide around like some Florence fucking Nightingale and dab the forehead of handsome soldiers in a well-equipped hospital. More likely you'll be in a godforsaken shithole, putting tourniquets on a poor sod who took a bullet and is gushing blood. As long as you're up for that, I think it's great because we need good CMTs."

"I wasn't expecting to be Florence Nightingale." Maybe I had imagined dabbing the forehead of one specific handsome officer.

"Well then, go for it."

"Jackie is planning on training for a CMT too, so at least we might end up in the same place during phase 2."

"You're really good friends, you and Aston?"

"Yeah, we got to know each other the summer before we enlisted so I haven't known her that long, but she's my best mate and we decided to enlist together."

"Me and my best friend went to Sandhurst together. Those days as cadets really was something. Now I haven't seen Elvis in a long time."

He stared into the fire and suddenly seemed sentimental. It could not be a coincidence. There were hardly two officers named Elvis in this world, it must be the guy on the photo wall in the Italian restaurant in Southend. I remembered the photo where he laughed so it looked like he was about to pee his pants in the company of another officer, one who one could not see the face of but had this mop of dark curly hair. His best friend who was an officer too, Elvis' sister had told us. Funny, that must have been Captain James too. It was like everything from that road trip came down to one thing; all roads were not leading to Rome, they lead to the Army and Captain James. Now he interrupted my train of thoughts.

"You know Dawes, I don't usually read the personal file of the men, or women, under my charge."

"No?"

"No. I prefer to create my own opinion based on actual performance. I know there are many recruits and soldiers, who show completely different sides in the Army than outside. Some who have been bad apples before but when they are coached and pushed in the right direction and given the opportunity to grow, truly excel. Then there are those who look great on paper, but completely fail when faced with adversity, unable to deal with the situation."

I wondered where he was aiming with this conversation.

"So, when we talked in the bar I hadn't read your file – but I have now."

Aha…

"That thing you told me about what had happened to you… and then you just left… It felt a bit like prying, but I wanted to know more about what you had been through."

"And what did you find out?"

"Like you said, that you were in a coma… but then you were in hospital for four years?"

"I wasn't myself after what happened."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Not really, but it would have felt strange not to explain a bit. One does not spend four years in a hospital for no reason. I was glad the file did not seem to have mentioned mental hospital.

"He really hurt me badly, my ex. I nearly died that night. I don't know how it's possible but when he was beating me up, or maybe during the coma, I somehow shut off reality. Even when I woke up, I didn't really recognise people around me and it wasn't possible to connect with me for real. I mean, people talked to me and I answered but they said it was like the real me wasn't there and I didn't really know who I had in front of me. It seems like I lived in some kind of imaginary world for a few years. When I slowly returned, I didn't remember much of that fantasy world. Still don't. Sometimes it's like a distant memory flashing by, but none of it was real anyway."

"Do they know why it turned? Why you were cured?"

"Not really. My psychiatrist seemed to think I was finally ready for it, ready to return to real life and didn't feel I had to escape inside my own mind anymore. There was nothing physically wrong with me in the first place which could explain it and I guess time and therapy healed me."

"And you're fine now?"

"I feel fine, and they seemed to think I was fine too. I got out of the hospital about six months before I came to Pirbright and my doctor saw no reason why I wouldn't be able to join the Army. I was a bit worried they wouldn't let me enlist but they contacted my doctor and in the end, there was no problem."

"That was actually not what I was concerned about. I just wanted to know if you feel okay. I mean, it seems like you've been through something really hard."

I met his eyes briefly but could not bear it when they drilled into me that way. Like he wanted to know everything I hid inside. There was too much I never could allow myself to show him and it had nothing to do with my time in hospital.

"I do. I really feel okay and all that's in the past. Sometimes I feel sad that I lost four years, but I've also realised that I've got most of my life ahead of me, so I'd better live it instead of delving in the past."

"And that ex of yours?"

"In prison for many years to come."

"Glad to hear it, what a bastard."

He clenched his fists and I got the feeling that if Artan had been here he would have taken a swing at him.

"What did you do those six months before you enlisted?"

"Worked in an Indian restaurant and tried to figure out what to do with my life."

"And you ended up with joining the Army?"

"Yeah."

Partly due to him, but I still did not dare to tell him. Unless he brought Hungerford up I would never mention it because it would for sure be awkward.

He put another log on the fire and I tried to think of something else to talk about and then realised I had a golden opportunity to do some research on behalf of Jackie now when we had this friendly chat.

"Is it allowed for a recruit to date an officer if they're not working together?"

He froze beside me.

"Just asking for a friend who was curious, and I thought since we're just chatting I'd take the opportunity to ask you", I explained.

"It's not encouraged, but it is allowed as long as you're not working together and not in the same chain of command."

"Do you know of any? Army couples I mean."

"There are a few but it can be difficult to keep it together, being deployed to different locations and all that."

"You don't have a wife who is in the Army?"

He laughed softly.

"No, I certainly don't."

No, Georgie Lane certainly did not look like soldier material. I wondered what she did. Maybe she worked in a nail bar, or maybe she was a bikini model.

"Do you know if Geddings is single?" I thought I worked that smoothly into the conversation, hoping I would find out for Jackie, but suddenly he gave me a hard stare.

"Are you really asking me that, Dawes? Your Captain? I thought you said you were keeping your eyes on the ball and wanted to focus on becoming a solider?"

"I am! I'm just curious and I thought you might know."

"I'm not the bloody Oracle of Delphi."

"What does that mean?"

"Meaning; I don't have all answers. I'm not one for prying into others' personal life."

Ah, so he drew the line between reading my file and asking his colleague Geddings if he had a relationship. I had obviously misjudged the easiness of our conversation because he really seemed offended I had asked him the question.

"I'm sorry, Sir…"

He got to his feet, still with an annoyed expression.

"Anyway, time for reveille the others have slept more than long enough.

We had so much fun during that week. Even though Captain James and I kept a certain distance to each other after the awkward end of our morning conversation, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. All the girls were truly my friends by now and we had so many laughs together during the activities. It felt like James and Geddings were there to support us to improve our skills, not to torment us, which was a huge difference from the beginning.

The last day, canoeing on the lake where we had our camp, was on the schedule. It turned out we were a few life jackets short, but there was not the slightest wind and the lake was unruffled so it did not seem very risky. I thought that it probably would have been wise for me to wear one, but I did not want to reveal I could not swim so I did not ask for one specifically and ended up without.

Gita and I teamed up for this and neither of us had canoed before. It was harder than one could imagine keeping a certain direction and keep up the speed and we found ourselves falling behind the others. It was not a competition, so we did not worry much, until a motorboat appeared in very high speed and seemed to be driving straight in our direction. We panicked slightly, but in the end, it turned so it just drove past very close. The relief did not last for long though, as the backwash rattled our little canoe so much that it tipped over.

Oh, shit! I thought to myself as I fell into the cold dark water and went under the surface, sank even though I tried to keep my head above water as I could not swim, panicked and felt water filling my lungs instead of air, before everything went black .

I'm kissing my husband. His warm soft lips are pressed to mine when I slowly wake up. It is my absolute favourite way to wake up. No one snogs like him and it feels like it was too long ago. With eyes still closed I coil my arms around his neck to hold him to me and let my body respond to him, let all the feelings I have for him inside me pour into that kiss, let him know that all I want right now is for him to relieve me of my slip and make love to me. For a few seconds longer, he keeps kissing me but then try to move away. Why would he do that?

I opened my eyes and met the very surprised eyes of Captain James just as he pulled himself away from my grip. I did not understand why he was soaking wet, the hair dripping, his uniform shirt and combats glued to his body. I certainly did not understand why his mouth had been fixed to mine – not that I complained. Then I felt the sudden urge to throw up and when I did a cascade of water came out of my mouth and I remembered falling into the water. Drowning. He must have dived in to save me.

"Dear God", was all I could say when I could breathe again.

Captain James still looked shell shocked, no wonder when one of his privates just had snogged him for Queen and country. At least none of the others had seen it, they were entering the shore just now, he must have dragged me here swimming. I felt I had to explain.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband."

He looked even more perplexed.

"Do you have a husband, Dawes?"

"No...

"No." He shook his head like I was mad.

"I dreamt that I did."

His chest was heaving, he looked really upset and I prepared for a bollocking, but none came.

"I thought you were dying on me, Dawes, and we're not even in a war zone. Please don't do that to me again."

The dying or the kissing? Probably both.

"Why the fuck didn't you swim?" he lashed out.

"Because I can't really swim."

"You can't swim?! How did you pass the swim test?"

He glanced at Geddings who now had arrived and bashfully shrugged his shoulders as he had been the one in charge of the swim test.

"I pulled a sickie that day..."

Again, he shook his head in disbelief.

"And that could have cost you your life today."

"I'm sorry."

"I need to get changed now and so should you Dawes because these wet clothes are shitting cold."

He got to his feet and left to let the girls and Geddings take care of me now that I apparently was fine. I watched his broad back as he strode away and could not let go of the feeling that for a few seconds he had kissed me back, not just tried to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The likely reason was shock, but it had been one amazing kiss. I could only hope he had not felt how much I had wanted my "husband", because that would be truly embarrassing. I hoped I had not moaned, I might have.

I did not speak to him again during that afternoon or during the ride back to Pirbright. He efficiently avoided to look me in the eyes. When the coach finally pulled up inside the gates and everyone got out, retrieved their bergens and headed for our block, I intentionally dragged my feet after me, so I would be last with Captain James. I felt I had to say something, or the remaining weeks would be too awkward to endure.

"Sir..."

He looked up as if startled, but I knew he already knew I was there.

"I just wanted to say thanks..."

"I couldn't leave you there could I?" he smiled. At least he did not seem to be angry.

"... and I wanted to apologise. I would never…"

"Dawes! Let's not talk about it anymore."

He interrupted me abruptly and his cheeks turned pink. Christ, that was a sight I never thought I would get to see, Captain James blushing and it was me who had caused it. I realised he was at least as embarrassed about the whole thing as me.

"However, I have a special assignment for you Dawes. Meet me on the parade ground tomorrow at zero five hundred. That's an order."

I looked at him wondering if I would get any further explanation, but he just dismissed me, and it was apparent that I would have to wait until tomorrow morning. I wondered if this was when I would be charged with toilet cleaning for the remainder of basic training as punishment for kissing him. Well, I would know soon enough. I found it hard to fall asleep that night and when I finally did I dreamt I was kissing him - not my husband, but Captain James.