They've been on the road for almost two hours now. Three more hours to go before they reach the next town. Roman's driving with Randy, who's sitting in the passenger seat, and Alanna's in the backseat watching some cartoon on her tablet with her earphones plugged in. There's some light music playing through the radio which is helping Roman from not falling asleep and his mind running a hundred miles an hour is pretty helpful too.
"Stop it.", Randy says, all of sudden, interrupting Roman's train of thought.
"What?" Roman glances at him with a confused look.
"Whatever you're over-thinking about, stop it. You're brooding."
"How did –",
"I know you well enough to know what's going on in your head. Plus, it's not that difficult to understand when we've been in this car forever and you haven't said a word to me yet." Randy answered, as a matter of fact.
Roman took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot going on in my head."
After almost a minute of silence, "It doesn't have to be this way, you know. How long are you going to pine over him? Do you see him doing that? He's moved on. You should try doing the same." Randy suggested, his voice sincere.
"You don't understand, it's not that easy." he snapped "I lost him. I lost all of him. I lost all of it to some guy he claims he loves. Why is he moving on so quickly and it's taking me so long?". Roman's voice started strong but faltered as he posed that question.
"I do understand, but you don't. He moved on because he cared about and prioritized himself and his sanity, whereas you aren't able to move on because you care about him and not yourself. He did what's best for him, but you're not even thinking about yourself. I hate to break it to you, but it's okay if you want to be a little selfish once in a while. It's for your own good."
"I don't know, Randy. I feel like I haven't done enough, that I'm giving up too soon."
"You don't know how much it sucks for me and all the people who care about you to see you like this. You need to know that.", Randy said, his tone reassuring. "You're spending months clinging onto something that is not even there anymore. Maybe because you are blinded by a string of hope that maybe—just maybe—things could go back to the way they were before. But the world doesn't always work like that, Ro. At some point, you have to toughen yourself up and cut that string of hope because that string is what ties you up to nothing but pain."
Roman doesn't say anything in return for a while and he just processes what Randy told him. The more he thought about it, the more he understood where Randy was coming from. Maybe it is time to actually cut that final string. Of course, it isn't going to happen in a day but hey, every step counts, right?
"What if I move on, and he decides to come back?"
Randy sighed in response, because hearing Roman ask that was a clear enough signal that Roman is still clawing and trying to hold on to something that doesn't even exist.
"Look, I'm not saying I know for sure that Dean will never come back but what I'm saying is; you can't sit here and wait forever. You need to start living your life, if he comes back, good, if he doesn't, it's fine, and maybe that's for the best. You deserve better than this. You've done all you can."
"I really don't know, I mean I want to move on, Randy, I really do but just as I decide to do so, I keep thinking about what will happen if he comes back? I don't want him to be too late."
"Ok, fine. You don't want him to be too late, great. But how long are you going to wait for him? One month? Another six months? A year? Two years? Maybe ten?"
Roman kept quiet as he turned to glance at the man sitting next to him in the darkness who is now looking at him with kind eyes. And Roman wants to believe him, he wants to listen to him, but he just isn't there yet so he turns his head away and focuses on the road.
"Roman, when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. It's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. The whole shape has changed. So, even if he comes back, how do you know it's going to the same?"
And that hits Roman, what was he even fighting for anymore? The Dean he fell in love with isn't the Dean he knows now. That was a carefree and brave Dean that Roman fell for but the Dean he knows now isn't even strong enough to hold his own ground. So, was Roman even fighting for the right person?
"Randy, trust me, I can't wait for the day when I can say, I'm over him and actually mean it. Today is not that day but one day it will be. That's what keeps me from falling apart."
"You say you are trying but the next moment, you're at his mercy.", Randy knew that was harsh but it was time someone gave Roman this talk again, "My point is that you can wait forever for something to happen, but the thing is, you shouldn't. In a way, you're making him take you for granted. He knows you're going to be here and pine over him for as long as it takes and maybe that's why he's not even considering you anymore. Give him some space, spend some time away from him, let him feel your absence, focus on yourself and on your happiness."
"I can't even begin to explain what it's like. He was everything. He was it for me. And I thought that maybe in this fucking world of strangers I had found the guy who felt the same. I wish I knew when the right time to actually stop caring is." Roman finally said, voice almost inaudible.
"Did you ever give him an ultimatum of some kind?", Randy asked, after giving what Roman said a thought.
"I wrote him a letter the night I left his house around five months ago and I mentioned that he could come and find me if he ever changed his mind and that I'll wait for him as long as I could and hope that he shows up before it's too late," Roman said, "but I never heard from him again regarding that nor did he ever acknowledge the existence of the letter."
"What do you mean?", he was confused.
"He met me a few days later and I expected him to say something about it but he pretended like that letter never even happened which means that he probably didn't change his mind and just wanted things to go back to normal, you know, back to being friends.", Roman said, pulling up the car near a gas station.
"So you see, sometimes you offer people choices hoping that they'll choose you. Sometimes you offer them choices knowing that they never will. If he doesn't care enough, why should you?"
"I want to get away from all of this, Randy. This is driving me insane. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I guess in the end what really kills me is the part of me that knows that it could have worked out. I need to escape this." Roman said, dropping his head on the steering wheel.
"Let me take you out.", Randy piped out, after a few minutes of silence.
"What?", Roman asks, lifting his head to look at Randy, who's now looking at him with a smile on his face.
"Let me take you out. You know, wine and dine you." Randy answered, trying to maintain a fine line between sounding casual and sincere.
"Fuck off, Orton.", Roman answered, almost a reflex. This has got to be a joke, right?
"Come on, I'm not kidding." Randy said, slightly turning his torso so as to face Roman, "It doesn't have to be romantic, it can be totally platonic. It will take your mind off things and if you like it, great and if you don't, well, then it won't really change anything. Someone's gotta do this, otherwise you'll be in the Dean zone forever."
Wait, Randy sounds pretty serious. Roman thought this was a rib but sensing Randy's tone, he's fairly certain, it isn't. His instinct was to say no, but then he considered the pros and cons of the situation and honestly, what could go wrong?
"Totally platonic?", Roman asks, a bit curious about the proposal.
"Yes.", Randy smiled, thanking his stars that he was able to break Roman's resolve, not completely but just a tad, "Look, man, I'm totally in if it's going to help you. If you get into it, we'll call it a date. If not, it's just two buddies hanging out."
"So, you're asking me out?" Roman asked, trying his best to figure out what's actually happening.
"Oh God, you are complicated.", Randy laughed, "In a way, yes. You're not too shabby, so I don't mind treating you."
"I don't know about this, Ran. It'll make things weird between us the same way it did with Dean and me so I -"
"Wait, wait, wait, just so we're clear, I'm not offering a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship here. I'm legit asking you out, whatever happens after the date is your call. I just want to see how this goes. I don't want to see you sit and sulk over him forever."
Roman shifted in his seat and fiddled with his finger but is stopped when a warm hand surrounds his. He looks up to meet Randy's eyes and finds a look of comfort and familiarity which Roman has experienced none of lately.
"Ro, there's no way it's going to end badly. We'll have a good time, I promise you that." Randy finally said, sensing Roman's silence; hand still on top on his'. "I'm not asking for a relationship here, that's a long way down the road, we don't have to think about it now. I'm simply offering to help, it may come off as if I'm trying to be your rebound but it isn't. We'll see how things go."
"Is this a good idea?" Roman started, voice soft, "I mean, you have Alanna and-"
"I'm taking you out for dinner, Roman, I'm not asking you to marry me so I'm sure this isn't that bad of an idea. I'm simply trying to take you out so you can have a good time which you really need. Oh, and secondly, if Alanna ever found out that you and I are dating, she'd be the happiest person in the planet.", Randy chuckled, as they both turned to look at the little girl in the backseat, who managed to fall asleep somewhere along the way.
Roman smiled at that as he tried to convince himself that this wasn't a bad idea after all. There wasn't much that could really go wrong. It's just dinner with a friend after all. It isn't like he has anything to lose, what could possibly go wrong anyway? Admittedly, this was a third beer kind of situation. Like, Randy was the third beer. Not the first one, which the throat receives with almost tearful gratitude; nor the second, that confirms and extends the pleasure of the first. But the third, the one you drink because it's there, because it can't hurt, and because what difference does it make?
"You know what? I'm in.", Roman chimed, much to Randy's delight, "But you'll have to be prepared in case I start brooding."
"Trust me, that ain't happening when you're out with me.", Randy said, looking smug.
Roman inspected his face for a second, and with a smile, said "I'll take your word for it then."
Tonight's the night that everything's going to change. Roman can feel it in his bones, can feel it in the way the night air presses against his black shirt and penetrates his skin, can feel it in the way Dean keeps watching him out of the corner of his eye.
After Dean's confession, Roman had whined to Randy about it for a few hours and Randy had told him he needed to up his game and do whatever the hell he thought and felt was right. Wise words.
It's their last night in California before they're back on the road so they decided to spend it together, and Roman's skin is itching with a need to do something. He's not exactly sure what it is he needs to do, but he knows it's probably going to be detrimental to everyone.
They're sitting in Dean's flat, music tinkling over the speakers in his stereo, and having a couple drinks before going out. It's an easy atmosphere, all the people are laughing and playing around with each other, except Roman can't stop the tingling in his skin and the need to blurt out everything he's ever known.
Dean and Randy are talking when Dean bursts out laughing, beer clutched tight between his fingers and cheeks flushed. Seth and Melissa are cuddling on the couch but laughing quietly at Dean's antics and Roman can't hold it in anymore. Everything's too calm and he knows Seth and Melissa don't know. They're too calm to be possessing the knowledge that Dean is about to run away.
"Dean," Roman says suddenly and all eyes snap to him. He's been quiet tonight and everyone's been shooting him looks. Dean's looks have been more warning than concerned and Roman wants to punch him and kiss him and never let him go. "Have you started packing for Ohio? You're moving out in a few weeks, right? How did these guys feel when you told them you're moving to the other side of the country? I'd like to know."
The laughter dies and everything stills. He watches as Seth's jaw drops, he can even here the snick of his bones jarring apart, before Seth turns to look at Dean with wide, hurt eyes that beg for it not to be true. Melissa looks like a confused puppy but there's definitely a pained expression simmering under the surface of her confusion. Randy, having already known all this, is just looking at Roman like he's an idiot for bringing this up right now and in this way.
Dean's face takes the cake.
There's utter betrayal brewing in his baby blues, and his fists are clenched by his side. He's staring at Roman, gaze stony and jaw set. But what's weird is that there also seems to be a small exhalation of relief, like he's had some gigantic weight lifted from his shoulder, because his shoulders drop slightly. Even if he's pissed, he also seems grateful but also betrayed and Roman's not sure what to do with that.
Seth moves first. He gets up and snatches his cigarettes from the table before storming out onto the terrace. He walks with a purpose and every inch of his skin is screaming with anger. His shoulders are ram-rod straight and his biceps are bulging from the way his arms are held at his sides as if he's telling himself not to punch something. Seth's never one to get angry, but he's proper pissed off and he's going to deal with it like he always does in these situations. He smokes and broods and mulls over his words to figure out which will cut deepest.
Melissa watches him go before she turns to Dean.
"Deano?" she asks, voice clipped and demeaning, like chastising a child.
Dean just puts his face in his hands for a few moments before standing up and following Seth out. There's muted yelling almost immediately and the three of them watch as Seth and Dean's arms flail as Dean takes a step back and straightens his shoulders in indignation and Seth unleashes a stream of words that cause Dean to look down at the ground despite his attempt to make his posture bold. Roman's chest tightens and he makes a conscious effort not to get up and go stand in front of Dean to protect him from the way Seth's backing him against a corner.
Roman vividly remembers ten years' ago the day Seth got suspended from work back when they had merely started training and were a bunch of twenty year olds. Some older guys were constantly picking on him and he had his head down, staring at the table in front of him, fingernails drawing invisible pictures on the countertop. He looked like he was concentrating on the movements of his hands and not on what the men were saying, which had egged them on even more. When Dean and Roman began training and messing up spots, this caught the guys' attentions because they started to throw slurs at the two of them. It wasn't the bullying about himself that had set him off, but the fact that someone he loved was being tormented. Seth calmly moved from his position and his fist clenched before cutting an upper hook into one of the guys' jaws. He then launched himself at the other man, heavy set with fearful eyes as he tried to escape Seth's attack, and Seth let out a low growl and punched the man square in the nose.
He'd been suspended for three weeks and his family had been furious. Dean and Roman were rarely picked on again.
Roman knows for a fact that Seth will never hurt Dean, but watching Dean shrink away from Seth's angry words has every fibre in Roman's body screaming at him to get up and protect what he holds most dear. It's only Melissa's words that keep him seated.
"They just need to blow off steam, it'll be fine," Melissa says softly, eyes on Roman. "We'll get through this."
Roman's not sure they will, what with Dean running off across the span of the country, but he tries to smile at Melissa. Melissa's watching Seth's movements, tracking the way his arms raise and his body folds over on itself as he yells, but she doesn't seem worried. Roman settles back into the couch and Randy hands him another beer.
"Way to bring that up, Ro. Great timing," Randy says pointedly before taking a sip of his beer.
Roman just grunts and takes a swig of his own drink.
"I'm glad you said something," Melissa tells him, staring down at her own bottle and peeling at the label. Her eyebrows are pulled together and she licks across his lips before speaking again. "Dean wouldn't have said anything until maybe a week before he left. It's weird because lately he doesn't like to tell us important things like this. It's like he's scared to cause too much conflict because he's scared we'll just abandon him or something."
Roman nods because he knows this better than anyone.
"It's hard for him to trust people now," Melissa continues. She looks up and meets Roman's eyes with a steadiness that Roman thinks he can relate to and he's glad that Dean has had someone steady like her and Seth in his life while Roman hasn't been around. "And I think he's with Daniel for all the wrong reasons."
The statement lies out in the open, flayed and presented for everyone to inspect under a microscope. Randy looks up at her, hoping she justifies what she just said.
"What?" Roman asks, voice wavering, eyes carefully trained on Melissa's face. "You just defended Daniel a few weeks ago right when you were talking to me. Saying how he's not perfect but Dean likes him so I should respect that. And now you're contradicting yourself? Honestly, do you even think they should be together? Count me out of the picture, just be honest."
Melissa sighs, long and heavy, and runs her hands over her face like she hasn't slept in years. Randy nudges Roman's knee like he's giving support and Roman had almost forgotten he was there but now appreciates the warm pressure of his body next to him and the sharp smell of his cologne mixed with the heady smell of Guinness.
"I don't," Melissa starts. It takes a second for her to gather her thoughts and Roman waits patiently. "I think he's settling. I mean, he's only ever dated Daniel since you two broke things off. Before Daniel, there were countless nameless guys that he dated for maybe a few days at a time, as if he was trying to fill a void. Seth mentioned about what you two had going on and told me a little about why Dean was doing what he was, so when he started to steadily date Daniel, I thought Daniel could fix that void. And I was convinced he had for a long time. Until…well, until you showed up. And lately Dean's whole face lights up like I've never seen it and he just seems so whole and complete when you're around. Sure, he's happy when he's with Daniel, but I don't see that spark. But I guess that's just me, I don't know what he's feeling."
Melissa takes a deep breath as she taps her fingers against her jeans. Roman knows more is coming so he stays silent and tries to pull the reins on his racing heart.
"Now I realize that Daniel was just another filler, a piece of a puzzle that doesn't actually fit to Dean's piece, but he's trying so hard to make them fit and we all know it's not actually going to work. I think you scare him, Roman. Because you are what he wants and what he needs, but he's scared to have you again. And I think you need him as much as he needs you, but I don't know how to get him to admit that to himself. It's his choice at the end of the day."
Before Roman can say anything back, the glass door is sliding open and Seth and Dean are walking inside. Seth sits down next to Melissa and gives Roman a look that he can't decipher.
Dean clears his throat and stands in front of them. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you guys I was leaving. Roman only knows because I accidentally let it slip a couple weeks ago and he's been telling me I need to tell you guys about the move on my own." He looks down at his nails and shifts his weight awkwardly before looking up at Melissa. "I guess I was just scared of how you would react and I didn't want to hurt you guys."
"You have to stop keeping things to yourself. You have to trust us," Melissa says urgently. "You can't just leave without saying anything."
"I know," Dean mumbles. "I just wanted tonight to be fun and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want this night to be overshadowed by the fact that I'm leaving in a few weeks. Guess that's out of the bag, thanks a lot, Roman."
"Roman did nothing wrong," Seth snaps before taking a deep breath. He smells strongly of smoke, must have had time to light up before Dean ran out to him, and Roman relishes in the smell and the familiarity of Seth's voice. "You should have told us and I'm still pissed you weren't even going to say anything. Don't tell me you were because you weren't." Seth says pointedly. "But it is what it is and you're just going to leave us anyway, because it's what you're best at now, so how about we just try to push this aside and make this night fun."
Dean lets out a breath and nods. He glances over at Roman and he doesn't look pissed off anymore. There's something else brewing, but Roman doesn't even have the energy to guess what it is right now.
"Let's go get smashed like we planned," Randy says, the first thing he's said since the whole fight started. "It's our last night home, after all!" He's watching them all with careful eyes but he's got a bright smile on his face and his smile is contagious.
"Let's go!" Roman shouts enthusiastically and pumps a fist into the air.
The other people nod and agree and the tension slowly dissipates. Melissa gets up first and wraps Dean in her arms tightly, squeezing until Dean tells her off for suffocating him. Seth gives him a hug afterwards and whispers something into his ear before going to grab a jacket from the closet. Dean follows him into the hallway and Melissa comes up to stand next to Roman as they head out.
"I think you should fight for him," Melissa whispers lowly so no one else can hear.
Roman's just not sure if he wants to anymore.
Roman can't remember the last time he spent the better half of a day without thinking about Dean, and much to his plan of moving on, today was certainly one of those days. Just thinking about that makes him feel a sense of accomplishment. In conclusion, date night with Randy wasn't a bad idea after all. It served its purpose of helping Roman take his mind off Dean, plus, they both had a great time. Not as awkward as he honestly thought it was going to be. The night consisted of dinner along with a fair share of banter and some harmless flirting where they both made some unusual discoveries about each other. Randy did mention keeping things platonic but seeing that Roman didn't really mind the flirting, he decided it would be worth a try to take the romantic route. Not entirely, just by a little bit.
"So, thanks for the ride and the great night. It was fun." Roman said, as Randy pulled into the parking lot.
Randy turned to smile at him, and stretched his arm as he fixed Roman's collar and then left his hand around his neck and swiped a thumb on the exposed skin right above the collar as he felt Roman shudder under the touch, "Well, you're welcome. I'm glad you had a good time. We should do this again sometime."
"A second date already? Interesting.", Roman pretended to consider it.
"Aha, so you do think this was a date." Randy smiled smugly.
"Wait, no, I didn't mean that... I was just joking…" Roman tried to recover but by looking at the way Randy was chuckling and shaking his head, Roman knew he was having none of it, "Fuck, I give up."
Randy decided to save him the embarrassment and not push the subject. He leaned in closer to Roman, "So, are you thankful you took my word for it?"
"I am", Roman answered; voice low as their faces were just inches apart.
"Good" Randy murmured, as he leaned in closer to Roman, using the hand he has behind Roman's neck to pull him in closer until he could feel Roman's breath on his skin. Roman knew he didn't want to kiss Randy, it had nothing to do with their night, it was simply the fact that he only kisses people he's in love with but before he even had the chance to mention that to Randy, the hand on the back of his neck was pulling him closer and before he even realized it, Randy moved his head to side and left a small kiss on the corner of Roman's lips. Without another word, he took his keys, got out of the car and walked all the way around to the passenger side to open the door for Roman, who looked somewhat confused by that almost kiss. Randy just shot a smug smile to Roman as he held the door open for him. Roman shook his head as he got out of the car and walked along Randy to the hotel.
"Too bad for you, I don't kiss on the first date.", Randy whispered in his ear as they got in the elevator, which sent another involuntary shudder through Roman's body.
Roman just looked up at Randy to find a shit-eating grin on his face, and muttered a "you asshole" under his breath which made Randy laugh out loud.
As they reached their floor and walked back to their respective hotel rooms, Roman starts thinking about how different the night was as compared to any other night he's spent in the past year. He never realized how much he fucking ached for the familiarity from someone which he felt with Randy today, for the way he was comfortable and how normal it felt to be with him. He didn't realize it but he looked for it in everyone, and it kept him up at night that he may never find anyone that can make him feel like the way Dean did. Sure, it's not the same or even on that level, but it's just the beginning, right? Now he can't stop thinking about the way Randy's presence calmed him tonight and the way his touch still lingered on his skin even after he's gone.
Then when he hits the bed later in the night, he can't help but wonder; he's a fun distraction. He's handsome, fun, extremely intelligent, and has sex appeal. He makes me laugh and makes me want to rethink everything. We have a connection with every conversation since we have met. I can see myself kissing him. There's a potential for more, but I don't want to rush anything. He takes my mind off my already shattered heart. I immediately forget what has happened, even if it's just for a moment. He gives me a breath of fresh air. He will do. Maybe he could be someone that stays.
A/N - This and the next chapter (to be uploaded tomorrow) were supposed to be one but then it turned out to be too long so I decided to split it, so, bear with me if you find this chapter uneventful.
But finally some change!
Message, Review, wherever, just let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!