Chapter 14!

Hey guys! I feel as if I owe you all another chapter, considering I left you all hanging for such a long time! This one is a lot short then normal and a little rushed but I still like it alot. I'm sorry about any mistakes.
I don't own Divergent.

I hope you like it .
xxx

"I was dead to you, I understand that Tobias." I say as I look up at him, his eyes scream for me to touch him but we both know we wont be able to control ourselves if we let that happen right now. We will burry ourselves into each other and it will only stop this pain for a brief moment, not forever.

"I spent every single day waking up with this hole inside of me, a hole that I tried to fill with every day activities but nothing would fill it." His voice keeps cracking and he turns away from me, looking out the window.

"You got me through so much Tris, in such a short amount of time and everyone told me it will take a while to be able to look back and be happy with the amount of time we spent with each other." I hear him let out a shaky breath before he continues. "It worked for everyone else, Christina would speak about you from time to time, testing me to see if I could handle it… but every time she did I would just walk away from her. My memory of you was always so strong in my mind, it is still strong but it was never caused me happiness, just sadness always sadness." He presses his forehead into the glass and I can see the fog that begins to build almost straight away from his warm breath.

I think about the moment I felt his hand grab mine as he pulled me from the net, his eyes so deep in his head that his eyelashes touch the skin under his eyebrows, the colour of his eyes… so dark that the blue almost wasn't recognizable because of the deem light. Sometimes I think I can still feel the firm touch his hands around my arms has he pulled me from the net and set me on my feet.
"It wasn't long enough." I say softly, mostly just to myself as another memory washes over me.

"No, it wasn't" Tobias says as I hear his footsteps move closer towards me, the bed shakes as he sits down at the foot of it and looks at me.

"I didn't sleep with Nita because I loved her, I slept with her because I was drunk and I thought…" He runs his hands over his pants as he tries to remove the sweat that is building up. "I thought that I would fill the empty feeling inside of me, I thought maybe it would be ok if I slept with her and I might have fixed everything that had gone wrong." He hangs his head in shame as he admits to why he slept with Nita. I begin to reach my hand out to touch the back of his neck, to show him that it is ok and I do understand why he slept with her but I can't. The images of them together explodes in my mind and my stomach turns on itself as I quickly realise I'm about to be sick. I jump up from my bed, ignoring my spinning head as I run towards the bathroom; I slam the door shut behind me as I reach the toilet just in time.

"Tris, are you ok, do you need me to get you anything?" I hear Tobias say from the other side of the door. I roll over and stare up at the ceiling as I let a single tear escape and roll down my cheek. Why did my life turn out like this? I scream at myself inside my head, why does Tobias sleeping with another girl hurt me? Isn't it natural for people to sleep with more than one person in their lifetime? But than again, Tobias and I come from a place where all physical contact is meant to display a hundred different emotions felt for them and only them. Did Tobias care about Nita in away that he didn't for me?

"Tris, please." I hear Tobias beg as he knocks softly on the door.

"Come in." I say as loudly as my voice would allow. I wipe my cheeks with the back of my palms, I didn't realise how much I was crying until I felt how wet my face actually is.

Tobias opens the door slowly, peaking his head around first; he gives me a confused look when he looks down at me lying on the bathroom floor.

"That's most likely not the cleanest thing you could be doing right now Tris." He says in a light tone, trying to make us both feel more conferrable I guess.

"Come lay beside me." I say bluntly as I turn my attention back to the ceiling. I feel the vibrations coming through the floor as he walks towards the shelves along the wall opposite me, my stomach clenches together as I realise he must not want lay with me, I try to ignore the sharp pain of rejection that spreads through my body as I turn my attention back to the ceiling. I hear him open and close the doors of my bathroom shelves that only hold towels… I think anyway, I haven't actually looked at the things that have been place in my new room for me. I hear the light shuffle of his feet make there way closer to me before I feel his body heat radiate from him and onto the side my of body, I clench my hands shut as I fight the need to reach out and entwine out fingers together but before I can decide whether or not to touch him I feel his hands touch my hair lightly as he lifts my head and places a soft blue towel under me.
"Here you go." He says, trying to sound casual as he lies down besides me.

"I need to ask you something Tobias." I say slowly, not knowing if this is going to make me feel better or hurt me more.

"You can ask me anything Tris, please know that." He replies to me. I feel his hand edge itself closer to mine but I pull my hand in closer to my body, I'm not ready to touch him. Not yet anyway.

I suck in as much air as possible as let it out slowly before asking my question.

"I understand why you felt that sleeping with Nita may have helped you, may have helped fill the hole inside of you." I clench my eyes shut, trying to block out the images that are making their way into my imagination. "But what I don't understand is what you actually felt for her? I mean, we both come from Abnegation and we were taught that any form of psychical contact like that should mean everything to you and the person you are sharing it with…" I let out a short and shaky breath before continuing. "I guess what I'm trying to ask it, what did it mean to you?" I say my question so quickly that I'm afraid he may not have herd it correctly and ask me to repeat it, and I don't think I can.

I feel Tobias swift beside me and let out a loud and heavy sigh.

"I didn't have feelings for her Tris, she just happened to be there when I had consumed a whole bottle of whiskey and so had she, we started talking and the next thing I new I woke up next to her in her bed." I can't help but look at him as he answers my question, he has both hands covering his eyes and his bottom lip quivers every few moments as if he is holding in a sob. "I slept with her twice, both times I was drunk and then I stopped drinking… Sleeping with her never made me feel better Tris, it made me feel worse." He says the last sentence so strongly and I'm startled when he removes his hands and turns his head to look at me. We are so close that the very tips of our noses touch and I can't stop myself from reaching out my hand and entwining our fingers together, just like we use to. A small smile breaks out on Tobias face, but its met with a small tear that has fallen across his nose and down the cheek that is pressed against the floor.
"I'm not mad at you Tobias, I have no right to be mad at you… I died, I was gone and you didn't know I would be coming back. So I'm not mad." I say to him, but his eyes are still filled with pain.

"I never thought I'd be that type of person, the type of person who would sleep with someone and regret it afterwards." He says the words so simply and casually but I know how powerful they are. We may not be in the city anymore and we let go of our faction's ways a long time ago but some traits can still be found buried deep down inside of us.
"I never thought I'd have to face a war and be taken away from everyone I loved just because I was different." I say casually back, hoping that maybe he will understand why I've said this.
"But you got through it and you are safe now." He says back as he strokes the side of my face gently with the back of his fingers.

"But we lost almost three years of time with each other, sometimes I feel like I don't even know you and everyone else anymore."

"I still know you Beatrice Prior." He pronounces my full name perfectly as his cups my chin and brings his face down to mine until his lips are pressed against mine.