"Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching." - Gabriel Garcí a Márquez
The news had hit Serena like a truck. It was like she had been hit by a semi truck when she had found out that Kelly was moving to Madrid with Renee. Every day since Shay's accident Serena and Kelly had been on the phone at least once a day to talk, they had spoken about his decision to come clean to Boden about his neck and so much more. Serena was so proud of Kelly for finally stepping up and admitting that he needed help so when she found out about him moving to Madrid from somebody else instead of Kelly, it had hurt a lot. Serena had actually found out the news from Casey, when she swung by the station looking for him when she couldn't find him at his place and since he wasn't picking up his phone Serena had figured that Kelly might be at the firehouse. Apparently Serena had missed Kelly by an hour which wasn't too bad but then Casey had asked how she was dealing with the fact that Kelly was moving to Madrid with Renee. Serena had asked what trip and it had all come out. Renee was being transferred there for work and Kelly had decided to go with her and he had found a great rehab centre to attend whilst he was there. Serena had forced herself to smile and pretend like she knew the entire time before excusing herself with the excuse that she needed to head off for work.
Being a surgeon meant working long hours, being on the top of your game and not letting any personal problems distract you from your work. Today Serena was more than grateful for the fact that yet again she was working a double shift, she was covering a shift for the head of trauma surgery whilst working her own shift later. The double shift was a welcome distraction as it meant that she didn't have to think about Kelly, the fact that he was leaving without telling her. Ten hours into her shift Serena was on the surgical floor going over some post op notes when she was paged to the ER. Serena thought nothing of it, thinking that she was being paged for a consult but to her dismay when she arrived she saw Kelly.
"Hey Rocket, Casey said you dropped by the station looking for me earlier…" Kelly began and Serena just looked at him briefly before she started to walk away. She couldn't do this with him right, Serena couldn't talk to him whilst she was in the middle of a shift because it would mess with her head more than it already had and she didn't need that. Her patients needed her to be on the top of her game with no distractions. Serena headed to the staff lounge to regroup her thoughts and she lightly leaned her head against one of the nurses lockers. "Rocket?"
Damn. Serena didn't think that Kelly would actually follow her into the lounge. "Go away Kelly, you can't be in here…"
"Not until you tell me what's going on Serena." Kelly firmly stated and taking a deep breath Serena turned around to face Kelly, who was seemingly unaware that Serena knew that he was leaving. Just looking at him made Serena's heart ache as it reminded her of three and a half years ago when she left him and back then it was like her heart was falling apart all over again.
"I know about Madrid." Serena quietly replied as she fiddled with the ends of her stethoscope which was hanging around her neck.
"Oh…"
"When were you going to tell me about it Kelly? After you bloody left and I could find you anywhere or were you just hoping that Casey would do it instead of you. Which by the way he did, Casey asked me about the move and I had to pretend like I knew. Your moving away and I had to find out from somebody else, do you have any idea how that makes me feel Kelly?" Serena questioned and she watched as Kelly sheepishly looked at her.
"I was going to tell you–" Kelly began.
"But you didn't. I had to find out from somebody else and that hurt Kelly because for some stupid reason I thought that I mattered to you. That you cared about me but apparently you don't. Clearly you don't respect me enough to have the balls to tell me that you're leaving." Serena angrily spat out, she was no longer upset but rather upset and angry about the whole situation. Serena didn't want him to go, she didn't want Kelly to leave but she kind of couldn't do anything about it as he was in love Renee and was going to be with her. Serena was angry because of that but mostly she was hurt that after everything they had been through he was walking away without even a second thought to how she felt. They had made all these plans about getting him rehab and making sure that once he was done with all the rehab that she would do everything she could to make sure his job was waiting for him and not it looked like it was all for nothing.
"Don't even try that Serena, I have always cared about you and you know it!" Kelly responded and Serena just scoffed.
"Then why did I have to find out from Casey? I find out after you tell your entire station Severide and even got a call from Hayden asking it about it. I had to pretend like I knew when I was as much in the dark as everybody else was!"
"Unlike what you did Rocket, I was planning on telling you about Madrid and Renee, I just didn't get round to telling you before Casey beat me to the punch." Kelly retorted and perhaps Serena would have perhaps believed him if it wasn't for that comment he just made about her. Serena had no idea where on earth it had come from or what it had even meant. But she didn't like it in the slightest.
"What is that supposed to me? Unlike what you did Rocket?" Serena demanded as she wanted to know what Kelly had meant when he had said that.
"You didn't tell me you were leaving for Boston, I had to find out from Andy hours after you left. So it's damn hypocritical for you to be standing here yelling at me about Madrid when you ran off to Boston and left me in the lurch without even a second thought about." Kelly yelled and Serena shook her head as Kelly had no idea what he was talking about, he had no idea what had happened all those years ago because she had never told him.
"That is completely different!"
"Why? Because it was you and not me–" Kelly began, his raised voice equally matching Serena and that was it. Serena had felt herself slowly getting angry as this conversation had gone on but now her temper full gone and blown. It was the only thing that would cover the dull ache and hollow feelings she had inside.
"No because I was in love with you back then and that is why I left!" Serena yelled and straight away the look on Kelly's face said it all and Serena wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to keep yelling or just start crying. "I left for Boston because I was in love with you Kelly Severide and I had screwed everything up. We had slept together and I had a boyfriend back then and I blamed you for everything. I yelled and screamed for god knows how long when it wasn't your fault. It was all my fault and I just couldn't accept the fact that I had fallen in love with you despite the fact I was in a relationship. After that things just kept going from bad to worse. I broke up with Richard because it wasn't right to string him along when I was in love with somebody else…"
"Serena…" Kelly slowly began and Serena shook her head, now that she had said it she needed to explain. Kelly need to know the truth, that it was never his fault and that it was all hers. It was the least he deserved before he left to be happy with Renee.
"I was so mad about what I had done that I took it out on you and we stopped talking, we just avoided each other even when we were with our friends. Things were constantly awkward and it just wasn't fair on anybody, it wasn't fair on you Kelly. I fucked everything up, I had cheated on Richard and fallen in love with you when I knew I shouldn't have because you would never feel the same about me. I was Rocket to you, nothing more and I was making your life miserable just being around. Things were so bad between us that it hurt too much to be here in Chicago anymore, I didn't want to hurt you anymore so I decided that it would be best for me to leave because you couldn't be happy when I was around and so I took the fellowship offer that Massachusetts General. I couldn't tell you any of this Kelly, I couldn't tell you how I felt or about Boston because I was sacred of what you would do or what you might say so I asked Andy to tell you. He didn't understand, Andy kept asking me why I was doing this and I said it was because I loved you that I had to let you go. I wanted you to be happy again and be able to see our friends without worrying about me. I made swear not to tell you how I felt and for some reason he agreed to and I told him I was leaving in a week but I'm guessing you know that I left that day. I didn't want him to give you time to try and convince you get me to stay. As much as it hurt to go I know I did the right thing…" Serena tearily admitted as she furiously wiped away her tears, she was pretty sure that her heart was breaking because she was in love with her again. Emma had been telling Serena that for a couple of months but Serena had always denied it despite the fact she had suspected such a thing.
"Sere…" Kelly quietly said as he began to talk a few steps towards her but Serena kept walking back until he back hit the back wall of the staff lounge. But Kelly kept walking towards her until he was standing in front of her and Serena knew her heart was definitely broken and she wanted the pain to stop hurting already. But it wouldn't. Just like last time it would be painful and months to recover from. Serena looked at him until she head a loud beeping sound and realized it was her pager, she was being paged.
"I have to go, I'm sorry for everything Kelly." Serena hoarsely said but she knew it was loud enough for Kelly to hear.
"I can't leave you like this."
"Well I can't do this right now, I can't fall apart right now and I will if I stay here with you." Serena sniffed and she allowed Kelly to brush away her tears. "It's okay Kelly, don't worry about me I'll always be your Rocket regardless of where we both are. Go and be happy with Renee in Madrid."
"You have always meant everything to me, you know that right?" Kelly asked and Serena didn't answer, she couldn't answer so instead she looked at Kelly for one last time before she slipped past him and made her way out of the staff lounge without looking back. Serena told herself that this was for the best but even she didn't believe that.