Note: Ugh I'm depressing myself! Okay I swear after this chapter I'm going to try to make things more fluffy and happy. Well 'try' is the key word there because it's not like I can just snap Alex out of the depression because that wouldn't be realistic. Anyway, here is the next chapter and I'm so so so sorry. You will see...

Chapter 14

The next few days Alex had to go with Matt to shoot Doctor Who. She still wasn't herself. The normally happy and flirty woman, was now depressed and only flirty and upbeat when she was River Song. Matt kept glancing at her worried. When she wasn't shooting she would go sit by herself with a coffee or tea and watch everyone else. No one knew yet, and the cast and crew started coming up to Matt asking if she was ok. He never told them, he just confirmed the rumors they had heard that she had been in the hospital, but said that she was fine now. Karen had decided to surprise everyone by coming in just before they decided to end their day. Alex had been done for a while and was quietly watching when the red head burst through the door making a scene. Once everyone had said Hello then Matt and everyone else went back to wrap up. Karen talks to a crew member who was finished when she glances over and sees Alex looking upset. She walks over.

"Oi! What's with that face?" she says as she takes the seat next to Alex. Alex puts on a fake smile.

"What face sweetie?"

"Don't you sweetie me! I know something's up! What is this about you going to the hospital?"

Alex fake smile fades and she swallows hard looking down at her paper cup. "Nothing. I'm fine now."

"You don't look fine. You aren't talking or flirting with anyone! You are upset. What happened? What was wrong?"

"Karen please.."

"No. I'm worried! Alex you are never like this. You are always up and about and being flirty and fun, but you have been sitting over here the almost the whole shoot from what I've heard and…"

"Karen I had a miscarriage.." interrupts Alex who was starting to tear up. "I didn't want to say anything because I can't talk about it. I just can't!" she says getting up and wiping her face.

"Alex I'm so sorry.." says Karen with wide eyes but Alex just storms off and out the side door. She leans up against the bricks taking deep breaths trying to stop the tears from coming. She wipes her face and is just about to turn to open the door when it flies open. Matt just about runs into her looking worried.

"What's wrong? Karen said you both were talking and then you stormed off upset."

"I'm fine darling, just needed some air. You done?" she says putting on another fake smile.

Matt looks at her for a long moment then nods. "You're done right? You're not coming back for anymore episodes?"

"Not that I know of. You ready to go?"

"Uh yeah. Let's go say goodbye."

Alex nods as Matt grabs her hand giving her a smile and leads her back in. They all say goodbye and Alex hugs Karen last.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you honey." She whispers.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have pushed you to tell." Karen pulls out of the hug but keeps her hands on Alex's arms. "I'm really sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through. That must be terrible."

Alex just gives Karen a weak smile then tells her goodbye.

Later that night, after dinner Alex goes back to the bed room to cry to herself. Everything makes her think of the miscarriage. She looks at Matt and thinks of the big family she knows he had wanted. She looks at her daughters and thinks of how they would have had a little sibling to look after and play with, and it was all her fault. If only her damn body would have let it live. It had no chance at life, a life it should have had. She curls up into a ball crying loudly, no longer caring if someone heard. The day before she had lost it completely and almost killed herself, she was getting to that point again. First the thoughts of the miscarriage, then how she scared Salome into being mute, then her failed marriages, then all the other times she had tried to get pregnant that never worked. Every insecurity she ever had, every bad memory all popping up into her head at once. She just needed some way to release all this sadness and anger at herself. She looks over and sees a pair of scissors on the night table next to the bed. Still crying, and not thinking clearly, Alex sits up and grabs the scissor opening them up and pressing one of the blades to her wrist cutting her skin open. The anger and sadness builds in her chest like a huge ball. She cries and cuts and cuts and cuts and cuts. The door opens and Matt runs over yelling at her but her brain won't process the words till he rips the scissors from her hand. He runs into the bathroom and wets a wash cloth and comes back to wipe her wrist. Nothing seems real. She looks down and sees all the blood. She didn't realize how many times she had cut and blood had fallen onto the bedding. She stares blankly at her wrist with tears still pouring out of her eyes.

"ALEX WHAT THE HELL?! Why?!" she finally hears. She looks up at him and tears start falling faster. He sits on the bed and she falls forward having him catch her. She screams and cries, while Matt cradles and rocks her trying to get her to calm down.

"I'm sorry I lost the baby! If my fucking body would work right we could be happy! I'm sorry I'm ruining your life! I-I hate myself! I'm just one huge problem that can't do anything right! I'm a woman, I was made to fucking have children so why the fuck won't me body let me?! Why?! I'm so sorry I'm a failure at a wife!" she screams as tears fall down her face. She can't even see from all the tears in her eyes.

"Alex, shhh! It's okay…"

"No it's not! I lost your baby!"

Matt pulls her up higher so that he can put his chin on her head, trying not to cry. "Alex, I don't care.."

"Yes you do! Don't lie! It was your baby and I lost it! The one thing I was made to do I can't even do right! I'm so so sorry!"

"Alex.." he starts in a whisper. "Alex calm down and listen to me. Please."

She tones down her yells to sniffles and small cries. She hears Matt sniffling above her. He has one arm wrapped in front of her, her collarbone resting against it. His other hand is wrapped around her waist. He pulls it up and pets her head.

"Alex I don't care that you lost the baby. I know you didn't want to and never would have wanted to. " He says with a shaky voice. "I love you and nothing will change that. I'm not leaving you just because this happened." He finally snaps and lets a few tears fall. "I forgive you okay? Is that what you want to hear? I forgive you for losing the baby even though you had no choice in it, but Alex don't you dare leave me and don't you fucking dare leave your daughter's. Not like how you were just thinking. Don't. I couldn't go on. Don't you dare ever leave me, and don't you dare leave Salome and Ella." He says pulling her up closer to him and resting his cheek on the back of her head. They sit like this, Matt sniffing, holding Alex and Alex letting out small cries, for almost a half hour. Alex finally opens and wipes her eyes and looks down at her wrist, it's covered in blood. She sniffs and pushes her body up. Matt lets go and wipes his own eyes then grabs her wrist to look at it. He gets off the bed and pulls her with him leading her to the bathroom were he wets the wash cloth again and gently dabs at her wrist.

"You're lucky we have gauze. I think we have a wrap too. Let me look." He says looking through the cabinet and drawers. He finds the gauze and a wrap and kneels down in front of her as she sits on the toilet lid. He grabs a wipe with disinfectant in it and dabs her wrist again. She cringes and jerks her arm a bit from the burning. Matt puts the gauze on Alex's wrist and lower arm then puts the wrap around it and clipping it with the small silver clasps that came with the wrap. Matt kisses her wrapped wrist and then presses his lips against her palm.

"I know it's a wrap for if you sprain something but it will hold the gauze in place for now."

Alex practically tackles him wrapping her arms around his neck. Tears start falling again. "I'm so sorry. I-I wasn't thinking. I don't know what would have happened had you not walked in. I love you so much."

Matt tightly wraps his arms around Alex as she buries her face into his neck and shoulder her curls attacking his face. "It's alright. Let's not think about what would have happened and just be thankful that I walked in. I love you too." He says rubbing her back, comforting her.

Alex sniffs then pulls away and wipes her eyes. Matt takes both her hands and pulls her up and they walk back into the bedroom. There are blood spots all over Alex's side of the bed. Matt starts tugging at the sheets to get them off. Alex steps in and pulls them off in two easy movements.

"What are you doing?"

Alex and Matt turn to look in the doorway seeing Salome standing there in pajama's rubbing her eyes.

"Sweetie what are you doing up? It's almost 1 in the morning on a school night." Asks Alex quickly rolling up the sheets so that no blood spots are showing.

"I heard yelling a bit ago and then I had a nightmare. What's wrong with your wrist?"

"Sorry sweetie I…" Alex looks nervously over at Matt then back to Salome. "I had a small accident. It's all better now. You want to come sleep with us?"

Salome nods and then crawls up on the bed as Matt puts the pillows back on and Alex pulls over the comforter. Alex climbs in bed next to Salome and pulls her close.

"What was your nightmare sweetie? Want to talk about it?"

Salome rests her head on her mother. "I was back in the living room picking a movie and then you fell again and then you were taken to the hospital but you never came home…"

"Aw sweetie. I'm right here. I'm fine…"

"How did you hurt your wrist?" interrupts Salome.

Alex looks from Salome to Matt. "I-I..Uh…"

Salome suddenly looks really sad. "Did you do it? On purpose… My friends Aunt hurt herself on purpose once."

Alex's mouth opens slightly not able to get any words out. "Sweetheart… I-I…"

Salome nods. "It's okay. I still love you." She wraps her arms around her mother. Alex starts to tear up and places her hand on Salome's head petting her.

"I love you too, so so much. I was just being stupid. Don't you ever do this okay?"

Salome nods. "I won't."

"Good. Now how about we all go to bed?" Alex thinks for a moment. "Would you like to skip school tomorrow? Since we are up late and I have a feeling you won't want to get up."

Salome's eyes light up. "Can I? Could we go out and have a girls day? Just me and you?"

Alex looks at Salome for a moment then lets a smile spread across her face. "I think that is a wonderful idea. Now let's get some sleep." Says Alex about to slide under the comforter.

"Why don't you sleep in the middle Mum.."

"Why?" asks Alex a little shocked. Salome never gave up the middle spot of the bed.

Salome shrugs. "I feel you should have it tonight." She says as she climbs over her mother. Alex scoots over still a bit shocked at her daughter. Salome lays down on her back and Alex lays on her side facing Salome stretching her arm over her and pulling her close. Matt turns the light off and then lays behind Alex. Once his eyes adjust, he leans over and kisses her temple.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again." He whispers in her ear.

"I won't."

Note: So who wants me to actually write the mother/daughter day? If you do leave me a review or message me on tumblr, and maybe give me some idea's as to what you would like to see them go do. I have some idea's but I want to do something you all want since I have been torturing all of you with Alex depression. Leave a review! xoxo