Story: Secrets

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!

Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.

Chapter 14We Might As Well Be Strangers

POV: General

There are five people in the room and somehow it's quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Granted one of them is sleeping…but the other four…they're just staring, at each other and at the blonde curled up on the bed. No one knows what to say….not even the usually witty Marco. He had been unbelievably reluctant to join the group…but hearing the strain in Jake's normally calm voice was enough to make him put his anger towards Rachel aside, at least for the moment. He hates to admit that he was so blinded by rage that he barely noticed things had gotten this out of hand. This was the first time he really noticed how thin Rachel had gotten, how tired she looked, even while she slept.

Watching her now, he hates to admit that part of his anger had been fueled by jealousy. Rachel had gotten out of the group…she was free from the stupid alien war. He wanted to be out…he wanted to spend his weekends like a normal teenager, not having to worry about the next big fight…the next instance that could steal his or one of his friends' lives. But watching the blonde frown in her sleep, he knows there was nothing for him to be jealous of…nothing at all.

On the other side of the room, Tobias is in human form, sitting on the ledge of the window. For weeks he's been trying to get inside of this room, but now that he's in he has no idea what to do…he hadn't thought that far ahead. He knows it's not a simple as holding her until her troubles disappear, until her worries fade into nothing…this is more serious than that.

He's dying for her to wake up, for her to just open her eyes so they can all finally deal with this…so they can figure out exactly what's wrong and push through it. But there's a part of him that wants her to stay asleep…not because he knows she needs, but because he's not sure if he's ready to deal with whatever 'it' is. Jake could be right…as crazy and impossible as it sounds…drugs would make sense…it would all piece together…everything except why and when she started taking them. But he hopes with all he has that that's not it, and he's wracking his brain to find some other logical explanation for her behavior. So he needs her to stay asleep just a little bit longer, so that he can figure out what's going on, that way he'll be just a little more prepared for this intervention of sorts. But as she sighs lightly and brings her hand up over her eyes, he knows he's out of time.

Rachel's got everyone's attention, and she knows it before she even fully opens her eyes. When she does sit up and lock eyes with Cassie, the unsettling feeling starts to develop in her stomach, and she knows it's only a matter of time before that feeling completely consumes her. Seconds of silence slowly turn to minutes and still all anybody seems to be able to do is stare.

"How are you feeling…" it's Jake that finally finds his voice, but he doesn't get a response, at least not a vocal one…instead they all watch as the blonde scoots up towards the head board, her eyes meeting Jake's briefly before falling back towards the sheets. "Look…I'm sorry about the ambush…I know this is the last thing you want right now, but…Rach, I didn't know what else to do..."

"Rachel you can talk to us…" Cassie takes a step forward, wishing that her friend would at least look up. It's frightening to see the extreme timidness the blonde is exhibiting…it's just so out of character. "What's going on…"

"Rach…" despite that fact that he's dealing with human eyes, Tobias can still see that she's crying. He makes his way toward the bed, his hand reaching for hers as he sits on the bed. His frown deepens when she pulls her hand away.

"Please just go away…" her voice is weak and raspy, but they all hear her clearly.

"Rach please…" He has to stop himself from reaching out to touch her again and there's no denying that it's hard to not be able to just wrap his arms around her. He's desperate for her to open up and talk…it doesn't have to be to him…as long as she talks to someone and stops harboring all the pain.

"We just wanna help…" he's almost positive he's the last person who should be talking to her about trying to help, he's shunned her the most these past few weeks, but none of that changes that fact that Marco is genuinely worried about the girl he's used to referring to as Xena…a nickname that doesn't seem to fit her at all right now.

She's never been claustrophobic…but right now she feels like the walls are all closing in on her. She must have been out of her mind when she was wishing they were all there with her…because now that it's happened, she wants nothing more than for all of them to leave. She can feel her arms starting to shake and she knows a panic attack is beginning. It doesn't take long for breathing to become unsteady, for her to feel like the temperature in the room just jumped ten degrees.

Cassie's the first one to notice that the blonde's cheeks' are flushed, that her breathing's become erratic, and within seconds she's sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands cupped against Rachel's face. "Breathe Rach…" despite how panicked the situation is making her, Cassie manages to keep her voice calm and even. The two girls lock eyes, but it does nothing to help the blonde. Images and feelings she's spent week trying to suppress are finding their way to the surface…all of them rising too fast for her to control, too fast for her to even think about how to push them back down. It doesn't take long for her to realize that she won't be able to push all the feelings aside…the sudden wave a dizziness makes it all the more clear…so she opts for the only thing she knows how to do…to shut down…to curl up and hide inside herself. She pulls away from Cassie's grasp and slides back down into a horizontal position, her back towards the door and knees pulled up to her chest.

None of them know what to do, but Cassie can only guess that there're are too many people in the room for the blonde's comfort…so she quietly signals for the three boys to leave the room, and she meets Jakes worried gaze with what she hopes is a reassuring smile. With the shutting of the bedroom door, the room is once again silent with the exception of Rachel's heavy breathing.

The blonde shuts her eyes tightly, trying desperately to block out the sounds…his menacing voice, her own pained screams…but the sounds only give way to images she doesn't want. She can feel his hands on her body and suddenly she's cringing over a feeling that's not really there.

Cassie just sits on the edge of the bed, staring and hoping that something will magically come to her…that she'll figure out a way to fix whatever the problem is. She should have been here earlier, should have put her issues aside and been by her best friend's side. But Cassie knows that she's too passive for all of this…confrontation was never her strong suit. She's always been the one to just go along with things in order to keep the peace. It's not in her personality to grab Rachel by the shoulders and badger her until she finally talks…she just doesn't know how to do things like that. Aggressiveness and the drive to get to the bottom of things is part of Rachel's personality…but Rachel's the one in trouble.

"It happens over and over again…everyday" It's fifteen minutes later that Cassie's head jerks up, her mind snapping back to reality. Her gaze shift towards Rachel and she's shocked to see the heavy flow of tears leaving her friend's blue eyes. Rachel's attention is focused on the far wall, and Cassie can't help but frown at the fact that the blonde neither looks nor sounds like she's in the present. She wants to grab her friend's hand, but she refrains because won't risk causing Rachel to clam up again. "Every time I go to sleep…or if I shut my eyes for too long…it happens all over again and I can feel it all…" the blonde blinks and finally manages to meet Cassie's eyes. "It hurts Cassie…it all just hurts…all the time." She's always heard that talking about things like this is supposed to make it better…but all she feels is this overwhelming feeling of pain…like she's suffocating. It's not like the movies or books…no weight has been lifted, no happy feelings about sharing her pain have developed…it still just hurts…she's pretty sure that it hurts even more. Maybe if she says the actual words it'll make a difference, maybe the screaming will go away…she wants nothing more for it to go away…she needs it to go away.

"Rachel…"

"I…" it's just a word, but somehow she can't manage to put a voice to it. She feels Cassie's hand slide around hers and she knows it's meant for comfort, but she's can't stop herself from pulling away…and once again she finds herself sitting up, back against the headboard, and knees pulled tightly to her chest.

"I'm sorry…" Cassie pulls her hands back into her lap as she bites her bottom lip. She looks at Rachel from the corner of her eye and can only hope that she didn't just blow any chance she had at figuring things out. "Please talk to me…"

"I…I can't…" she feels pathetic and helpless. The more she strains to say the words the louder the screaming in her head gets, the more real the pain shooting through her body feels. "I…he…I…." she shakes her head dejectedly at her own incompetence, and she misses the confused look that passes over Cassie's face as the latter tries to figure out which he her friend is talking about.

And then that moment she had been waiting for…that moment of clarity when everything suddenly makes sense…when it all just comes to her…it happens...and she realizes that Jake's drug theory isn't the only logical explanation. There's something else that make perfect sense…and yet it makes no sense at all, because this is Rachel and…that's enough for it to not fit. "Who's he…"

The blonde locks eyes with her friend…she hadn't realized she's said 'he'…she hadn't meant to...and something in Cassie's eyes, in her voice…it let's Rachel know that her secret's out…Cassie knows. "I…" Then why can't she make herself say it.

"Rachel…" there's a distinct pitying tone in her voice, a tone she normally would have receive a glare for, but the blonde barely seems to notice.

"I don't know who it was…" her eyes are once again cast downward…she's too ashamed to look Cassie in the eye. All she has to do is say the words and things will start getting better. "But…he…" Cassie wants nothing more than to throw her arms around the blonde and tell her that it'll all be okay…but she knows that Rachel needs to finally say that words because it's clear that she hasn't said them to anyone before, that she's never even said it to herself. "he…he raped me…and I go through it again every day." She turns her head away from Cassie and lets the tears fall harder because although she's not choking on the word anymore, she can still hear herself screaming, and it hasn't stopped hurting any.

Cassie has her own tears crawling down her cheeks as she reaches her hand out again, but the moment it touches Rachel's arm, the latter pulls her knees closer to her body and Cassie quickly pulls her hand away. She wants to say that everything will be okay…but she feels like it would be a lie. Right now everything is far from okay and if Rachel were to ask her when things would be okay, she wouldn't have an answer. So she keeps quiet and keeps her hands folded in her lap because she doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't know how long they stay like that, but eventually Rachel slide back down onto her side and falls into another uneasy sleep.

She leaves the room quietly, closing the door behind her. She wants to stay, she wants to help, but she's never felt so completely useless before. And suddenly she finds herself wishing that Jake's outlandish drug theory had been correct, because that she could deal with, then she'd have at least some idea of how to help…then she wouldn't have to walk downstairs and watch all their faces when they finally learn the truth.

She walks tentatively down the first few steps and glances down into the living room…Marco is sitting with his elbows propped up on his knees, his hands gripped together tightly…Tobias is standing in the corner of the room, staring blankly out of the window, and Jakes sitting across from Marco with his head buried in his hands. She's not sure who's gunna take the news worse…what she is sure of is that drugs would have been better…just about anything would have been better.