A/N: I'm so sorry for the late update. This chapter has been sitting about 3/4 done on my laptop for weeks but something just felt off. I finally had breakthrough this weekend and managed to get the tone of the chapter they way I wanted to. Not that much Dean Cas interaction in this one, I apologize. They just have stuff they need to deal with to propel the story forward.
Anyhow, hope you enjoy.
"Gabriel, your taxi is here."
"Coming, just making sure I haven't forgotten anything." Castiel's brother shouted, his eyes sweeping the living room before he checked through his bag one last time.
It had been three days since Gabriel's unannounced and initially very unwelcome arrival. Apparently a lot can change in that time and Castiel had come to appreciate his brother in a new way or, if he was being honest, in any way other than loathing. Gabriel would have been able to get a flight back yesterday if he'd wanted to but decided to stay on an extra day for which Castiel was actually grateful. It made him feel a bit less alone in this mess that currently was his life. His brother was still irritating him a fair amount, never letting a chance to wind him up pass, but now, with the knowledge of Gabriel's deeper, more thoughtful side, it was easier to handle. Castiel even managed the occasional witty retort, making his brother crack up in the process, telling him that there might be hope for him yet.
Gabriel did try his best to help him to come up with a suitably dramatic story to relay to their parents, his imagination being way more colorful than Castiel's, scarily so as he discovered. Also his brother's acceptance, even if somewhat flawed, meant a lot, especially when considering the prospect of being disowned by the rest of his family should he ever decide to come out. This remained a point of contention between them and something Gabriel passionately argued against, unless Castiel would be prepared to deal with the consequences.
Even the way the situation currently presented itself, Castiel was well aware that he would be the outcast of the family, the first one to actually be tainted by the stain of divorce as far as he knew, and as such be subjected to a certain amount of judgment. But at least they would still talk to him, probably make him go through some form of penance to save his soul. But being an accepting homosexual in no way, shape or form would get anything less than outright condemnation, Castiel had no doubt about that. His family was not the 'live and let live' type when it came to such matters.
"Well,-" he shuffled his feet, debating whether to give his older brother a hug. Big displays of affection was not something they had been taught as a valid form of social interaction.
"Don't strain yourself, you might pull something." Gabriel patted him on the back. Castiel smiled. He was getting used to his brother's sense of humor, learning not to take everything at face value. Something he had very much learned from his time spent with Dean. Not everything was to be taken literally.
"So, I'll tell them the abridged, albeit boring, version of you two having rushed into this thing and figured you want different things out of life, the contention about your belief systems,- no don't look at me like that Castiel." he was scolded before he could even get the words of objection out.
"You know I have to give them something worthy to at least consider your actions honorable in some small way. Although personally, I still favor giving them some spiel about how she broke your heart cheating which would get our parents off your back for longer, because divorce on the whole is still a big fat no."
"No, Gabriel, we've spoken about this alr-"
"I know I know. It's just she probably wouldn't even care what our parents thought of her as she's not likely to ever meet them again, but I get it, your peculiar sense of loyalty. But be prepared that this will not keep them appeased for long. If at least I could tell them something positive with regards to your doctorate to distract them."
"Just tell them I will be done this summer and am in the running for the position in the history department when the professor retires next year. It is close enough to the truth at any rate."
"Ok, got it! And with regards to the house, I will contact you once I settled things with the bank."
Castiel nodded, his mouth up into a small grateful smirk. "Thank you for that, again." He had no idea whether he might come to regret his decision to let his brother take over Amelia's share of the mortgage but for now it really was the only choice he had short of selling the property. They sat down one evening and worked through Castiel's accounts. Gabriel's background in finances came in handy and it quickly became apparent that in all reality he could not hold on to the house just on his assistant's salary. Gabriel had offered to buy out Amelia and see this as an investment opportunity (albeit one with a poor return as he had him know). Castiel was in no doubt that his brother was doing him a favor for whatever reason, and while he didn't like being indebted to him he also was relieved that he wouldn't need to worry about the house for now.
"Don't sweat it. Just make sure it stays in good condition, or well-" Gabriel waved his hand around, "keep on making your improvements, and for the love of god, get a bell!", flashing Castiel of his lopsided grins. "It was a pleasure, although the circumstances were less than desirable. I will try to sell the story to the best of my dramatic abilities, but no guarantees, so don't come crying to me if our parents turn up at your doorstep after all. In which case it would be very advisable not to have a half naked teenager run rampage in your house, unless you want to give them a coronary, that is."
Castiel groaned. Gabriel, naturally, had heard the commotion that afternoon between Dean and him, and perceptive ass that he was, picked up on the slightly strained atmosphere afterwards and had wanted to know what brought on the 'trouble in paradise'. Luckily he was in the dark about the exact details or Castiel would have been in deep trouble. He feigned ignorance, blaming Dean's fallout with his dad for the atmosphere. Thankfully his brother mainly held his tongue thereafter, the occasional snide comment aside. "Gabriel, again-"
"Yeah I know- nothing going on, potaeto, potato." Castiel glared at him, not liking the sarcasm in his brother's voice, at the same time trying hard not to let the guilt at the memory of how close he had been to making this statement a complete lie show. He must have succeeded as Gabriel rambled on. "Still, it is quite evident you two are currently off kilter. For whatever it's worth, he seems to really care about you- and I hardly saw the kid, which, bearing in mind how he used to be attached to your hip, is kind of telling. Unless you're implying it was my jolly presence that had green eye not show his face in the last two days."
That might have been a factor, Castiel rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. But more likely Dean was still mad at him for laying down the law. The boy had made it quite clear what he thought of this new arrangement he had enforced between them. But that afternoon had been too close a call. Castiel still couldn't put his finger on why had had allowed himself to get carried away like that. Not that it mattered because the bottom line was that, regardless of motives involved, it would not be Dean's reputation or future on the line should other people presume something was not kosher between them. Gabriel had been quite right in that respect.
And as much as Dean was very mature for his age, had to grow up faster than the average teenager due to life's circumstances, there was no denying that in fact he was still a kid, something Castiel had to keep reminding himself of constantly these days. He was but a boy limited in knowledge and experience and with a naïve romantic notion about love and attraction. That somehow it would be enough. But that was not living in the real world. And Castiel needed Dean to trust him on this even if he couldn't agree. It would be for the best, something Dean would realize soon enough when he would meet a nice girl, or boy, his own age and fall in love. He shouldn't be weighed down by some weird affection for an older guy who never would be able to return those feelings in a healthy way. Even if Dean was of age, their age gap alone would not make for a relationship on equal footing. And why was Castiel even contemplating this? What Dean needed him to be was a friend, someone to be there for him when life got hard, and that was all he could give him.
Plus Castiel needed to start addressing his own demons, find self-acceptance and maybe one day even love. God knew his closet (ha-ha) was full of skeletons that he buried there and had never dealt with. He clearly was confused at the moment and that must have been the reason for reacting to Dean's advances in a very unwholesome way. Because he never had those kinds of urges before and a man his age could not, should not, hold any romantic feelings for someone so much younger, Castiel kept reminding himself.
Gabriel cleared his throat, looking at him questioningly. Castiel must have spaced out on him for a second.
"Yeah, he probably got tired having to look at your face all day." Castiel joked, trying to smile despite his sobering thoughts.
The taxi blew its horn.
"Ok, I'll better be going or I'll miss my flight. As they say 'It gets better'," Gabriel smirked and pulled Castiel into a quick hug. He huffed but returned the hug, albeit somewhat awkwardly.
"See you around baby bro." Gabriel waved as he got into the taxi.
"Goodbye." Castiel watched the taxi drive off and retreated back into his house. It was way too quiet in here. He looked around at the empty space before him. He had changed so much over these last two years. In the past order and silence was something he valued highly, but now it was threatening to suffocate him. He had a few hours to kill until his meeting with Amelia to finalize the divorce proceedings before the papers got send off to their lawyers. With both of them in agreement this should be straight forward yet the reality of it filled him with dread. Castiel decided to head to the study, put on some music and work on his thesis. This was the one area he still had complete control over, and he would have to buckle down hard if he really wanted to finish by the summer. Also it always helped him to take his mind of things. Especially of how he had missed having Dean around these last few days, because that way lied madness.
#
Dean blew out a puff of air, watching the swirl of cold air leave his mouth before it evaporated, shuffling his feet along the frozen ground. The snow had cleared enough that school was back on and he was in a foul mood as he approached the building, had been for the last three days really. Ever since he had to crawl back home, swallow his pride and apologize to his father and that woman, who, much to his dislike, had still been in their house. Because as much as he would have loved to sulk and stay away, he really didn't have anywhere else to go and he didn't want to leave Sammy to his own devices, his brother had to come first.
Staying at Cas' hadn't felt like an option, well definitely not with his dick brother around, who still gave him the stink eye, like Dean was there to cause his brother bodily harm or something. Plus Cas seemed on edge around him and he had to admit that the feeling was mutual. Apparently, despite promises to the contrary, they were back at square one. Despite trying not to show it, Dean felt rejected, brushed aside. As much as his head understood that this was not the man's intention, he couldn't just turn this feeling off. He laid it all out there and made himself vulnerable, looking like a fool for having sounded so needy.
Dean needed some time off, to get some perspective about the state of their relationship, or a better word would be friendship, as Cas insisted. At what point had that word started to feel more like an insult than a declaration of fondness? He remembered a time when he was over the moon at the man calling him his friend. He didn't want to ruin whatever was left between them, but also he didn't want to feel like this anymore. Dean hoped that things could be rebuilt to a simpler time with some effort. But this was something he would be unable to focus with the man right there in his face and the current state of his own fucked up family situation.
With no other choice, Dean had headed home and taken the subsequent being yelled at and getting grounded by his father on the chin. In fact he had expected way worse. His old man had never beaten him as such but that didn't mean Dean didn't expect this to happen one of these days. His dad seemed to be getting more irrational when he was high on alcohol and Dean increasingly needed to find new ways of tiptoeing around him while trying to keep Sammy out of the firing line.
He had no doubt that he was his dad's least favorite person but most of the raw anger seemed to have dissipated. Dean wondered whether part of that reason was that on a practical level his dad was not too out of it to realize he needed him around to look after Sam. Well, it appeared that Dean at least was good for something in his dad's eyes. At any rate, being forced to stay indoors suited him. He didn't really want to see anyone and it wasn't like he particularly had places to be. Subsequently, Dean sulked in his room with Sammy keeping him company in some form of unspoken sign of solidarity.
On top of all the other crap, because he just didn't deserve to get a break, his (now ex‑) girlfriend had bitched at him last night for ignoring her, just because he hadn't immediately replied to her texts asking about going ice skating. Well, he did have rather a lot on his plate, and it wasn't like he would have been allowed out anyway. Not that she knew about that, but still she should have just trusted him when he said he had reasons, and would tell her when he was ready. Trust was a big thing and Dean didn't have time nor patience for this clingy needy act, his life was complicated enough, and had broken it off in a fit of rage. He might have been harsher than intended but he had so much pent up frustration with nowhere to go, and she just pushed the wrong buttons. No doubt he would get an earful if he should run into her at school. Pam had always been temperamental and able to handle herself. But he would deal with it when it happened.
With the snow slowly receding, he hoped that life could finally go back to more familiar parameters. His dad was back at work or the bar, which hopefully meant there would be no more Audrey at their place. The house still smelled all wrong with the lingering scent of her too sweet perfume. Dean could go back to worrying about his brother and bills and how to pay for the replacement of the windscreen. It looked more and more inevitable for him having to get a part time job, most likely a paper route, if he was lucky enough to get one. He briefly had contemplated more unsavory routes, but couldn't risk getting into trouble and dragging Sammy down with him. His brother was smart and had a real shot at making something of his life. He needed Dean to keep him safe. In all of this, school work would have to take a back seat, but it wasn't like he would ever amount to much academically anyway. Real life concerns had to come first.
Having dropped off Sammy earlier, he walked through the gates of Healy South High, when the blowing of a horn caught his attention.
He jumped out of the way in time to see Phil give him the finger as he drove past, yelling something at him. Dean absorbed that new bit of information eagerly. Looked like Phil must have had his sixteenth and gotten a car, a new bright red car. One that was very easily spotted in the parking lot and a plan was starting to form in his head. He had not forgotten about the payback for Sammy, just was biding his time, and it seemed the time had finally come.
It took Dean just three days to work out the finer details. As much as he knew he was not made for academic achievement he was aware that the same did not hold true when it came to general ingenuity and life skills. Over the years he had to develop the ability to get creative in order to keep his little brother safe and fed. He had worked out the weak spots of the school parking lot, the areas that were not, or badly, covered by the two security cameras and when the timing would be perfect to pounce without being recorded. It might not be his preferred form of revenge (beating the shit out of the guy still was top of his list), but if he timed it right it would mean maximum impact with minimal risk of getting into trouble. If the dick cared for his shiny new car just a fraction of how much Dean loved the Impala, this would hurt him and Dean would make sure that Phil knew this little surprise was courtesy of a Winchester.
Friday morning it was grey and raining, washing away the last remnants of the snow. It was weird how the weather had completely changed over the course of one week but this suited Dean. The heavy rain would make for extra cover should the cameras pick him up after all. He had his non descript grey hoodie under his jacket and a similarly bland black beanie that he pulled tight over his head as he waited for the perfect moment to scurry across the car park towards the red monstrosity. He kept eyes on the surveillance cameras, watching them move, and when the moment was right he raced across, key in hand and didn't waste any time getting creative on the paintwork. Mainly he just defaced it but he couldn't help keying the word DICK in big letters over the passenger door before disappearing again around the corner and joining the rest of the students as they scurried between classes.
He passed Phil in the hall as planned and ran into him, accidentally on purpose, holding his hands up in silent apology, before smirking and leaning in, complementing him on his nice new car and saying what a shame it would be should something happen to it, just loud enough not to be overheard by anyone else. He then pushed him aside and headed to English, leaving a confused and pissed off looking Phil in his wake. Oh Phil would know, but he'd be hard pressed to pin this on Dean. It felt good to finally have payback for Sammy.
#
"Winchester!" Dean didn't have time to turn around before he could feel himself getting slammed into the wall of the school toilets. All weekend he had prepared himself mentally for this moment, yet he had a hard time keeping a smirk off his face as his body was pressed into the cold tiles.
"I know it was you." Phil snarled, a spray of spittle hitting Dean's side of the neck, from where the other boy was leaned up close, pushing him harder into the wall.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Dean feigned innocence.
"Like fuck you don't. I told the head it was you."
Dean just smirked. "Whatever it was. Good luck trying to prove it. Let me guess, you got nothing to prove anything."
Phil's face grew even more furious and Dean knew he was right. They probably watched the camera footing already. He guessed Phil must have gone straight to the head on Friday when school let out and he saw the present left for him.
"Oh, I find a way, don't you worry. Scum like you always end up getting what they deserve. And if all else fails, you can't watch your and your brother's back forever."
Oh he did not just- Dean pushed himself off the wall with such force that Phil, despite being taller and heavier, lost his grip. He grabbed the guy by his arms, and before the older boy could even process what was happening Dean had their positions switched, kneeing him and getting him in a headlock he had learned from his dad. When Dean had him immobilized he placed his mouth next to the guy's ear.
"Listen very carefully, you or your brother ever get within ten feet of my brother and you regret they day you were born, you understand and it won't be child's play. I can promise you that."
When Phil didn't reply, just gritted out profanities under his breath, Dean tightened his grip, the adrenaline coursing through his body giving him the extra strength he needed.
"I said, .UNDERSTAND?"
"Yes," Phil choked out, trying to breathe, Dean's arm across his throat was slowly choking him.
"Good, glad we're clear on this." Dean let go of him and shoved him against the wall.
Phil coughed and spluttered, trying to get in some well needed air. "You're just some trash with a drunk dad from a crappy side of town and you will never amount to anything." He gritted as he picked up his bag.
Dean pinned him with his ice cold stare and took at step towards the other boy. "And what do you think happens to guys like you when they piss off people like me from my side of town?" For once he could use the reputation of the crabby neighborhood he lived in to his advantage.
"Fuck you." Phil rubbed his neck before hightailing it out of the boys toilets.
Dean gathered his bag and the books that lay strewn across the floor from where he had dropped his bag when Phil grabbed him and joined the rest of his peers. His mouth curved into a small smirk. The confrontation went as well as he expected. He didn't have many things to be grateful for with regards to his father but some basic combat and self defense training he had taught him when he was younger was definitely coming in handy. He assumed the prick got the message loud and clear. Never piss of a Winchester.
#
Castiel blew his horn. Damn he was going to be late just because people have apparently forgotten how handle their vehicles in the rain. This person in front of him had been driving him crazy for the last five minutes, and he was stuck behind them on this small side road with no chance of overtaking. He was not usually one for road rage but it was ten to seven and he had promised Sammy to be there for his big performance. A promise he intended to keep at all costs, even if that meant some slightly hazardous driving, as he only remembered too well being a child and looking at the empty seat of an absent parent as work and church meetings had always been more important than to waste time on such mundane things as recitals and school plays. And he knew that the chances of the brothers' father turning up was small at best.
Sammy had been so excited to hear that apart from Dean, Amelia and Cas intended to come. Both Dean and he had been drafted to practice the lines with him, Castiel was sure he knew the play of by heart, backwards. But if this traffic didn't start moving, he would miss it. He only hoped his ex had had better luck making her way through town.
It was five past seven when he finally pulled into the parking lot only to find it full and having to park two blocks down, running back towards the school in the pouring rain, minus an umbrella which, to his dismay, he had safely stored away at home for a rainy day. Castiel was certain he looked like a wet dog by the time he made it inside, dripping and panting from the run. He really needed to take up some form of sport. This sitting behind the desk all day was not doing him any favors. He decided there and then to look into that tomorrow. Castiel quickly walked down the corridor, giving the stern looking teacher an apologetic smile, before grabbing the program that was handed to him and making his way inside. The show had already started and he had no idea where Dean and Amelia were sat in the sea of people.
Thankfully Dean must have kept an eye out for him as he felt a tugging on his sleeve a moment later.
"Hello Dean" Cas whispered, trying not to draw attention to them.
"Hey, you're late." Dean rolled his eyes, grinning at the man. Cas' hair was dripping and his trench coat was brown not beige from being so wet. He had that particular nerdy look about him that Dean had come to associate with his friend. The usual tugging and tingling in his gut made itself known, but Dean valiantly ignored it. He had gotten better over these last few weeks. Denial apparently was the way forward, trying to keep things firmly in friendship territory as per Cas' request. "Come on, we're just over there, Sammy's year is going to be on in a few minutes."
Cas followed Dean to where Amelia was keeping watch over two empty chairs next to her. Cas gave her a small smile in greeting.
"Hey." They had met up a few times over these last few weeks and things have improved considerably between them. Still the sense of loss and guilt would take Castiel a long time to get over despite Amelia's insistence that she was doing alright.
"Hi Castiel." It was a short but honest smile.
Castiel settled in between his ex wife and Dean, shrugging out of his wet coat. It was the first time he ever was on the other side of a school play. He watched the faces of the proud parents around him, filming and taking pictures. Something he never really experienced and something Sammy hadn't either. He couldn't get his childhood back, not that it was bad as such, just void of emotions and lonely at times. But at least he could make sure Sammy would remember people in the crowd, proud and smiling.
Soon it was the younger Winchester's year turn. The play there were performing was actually written by the students. Something about a spaceship crashing on a weird planet and the subsequent shenanigans with the locals. Sam played the commanding officer and Cas had to say he was rather good. He caught himself mouthing the words, and noticed that Dean was doing the same. They shared a knowing smile of shared misery of hours of practice between them. Then Sammy broke out in song (how he managed to keep that secret they had no idea). Despite the very confident delivery, singing apparently was not one of his strong points as he was slightly off key. But it didn't matter because he was having a good time and people were cheering at the end of his solo, and Amelia and he and Dean were all there taking pictures on their phone and then Sammy's eyes found them in the crowd and for a second he couldn't keep the smile off his face before he continued with the play.
An hour, and some rather testing performances from the other years, Castiel will never forget how this poor violin was violated by that first grader, they all picked up a very hyped up Sammy from his classroom.
"Hey squirt, well done you." Dean put his little brother in a playful headlock.
Sam giggled and squirmed out of it, bee-lining for the two adults. "Amelia, Cas!" He beamed pouncing on them and hugging each in turn.
"That was great, Sammy." Amelia ruffled his hair affectionately.
"Oh god, I was so nervous and I had to sing! Did you hear me sing?"
"Oh we did," they laughed affectionately. "You did real well out there."
"Thanks, can't wait to do this again. It was awesome." His grin was in danger of splitting his face.
"Now, who's up for some pizza?" Amelia asked, full well knowing the answer.
"Meeee!" Sammy shouted excitedly.
"Ok, go get your coat and your bag, do you want to change out of your performance clothes?"
"Nah, I'll keep them on. Makes me feel like an actor."
"Sure, kiddo." Dean chuckled as Sammy disappeared into the crowd of parents and kids again, emerging a few minutes later with his coat and bag.
They all climbed into Castiel' car and headed for the restaurant where he had reserved a table. He promised to take the two brothers out for dinner, after checking with Dean that their dad would be ok with this. Castiel was under no illusion that most likely 'checking' amounted to Dean finding out what time their old man would be home and if they would make it back before he got in. Things remained chilly in the Winchester household, that much Dean had disclosed to him during the few talks they had over these last weeks. Also Castiel was pretty sure that he was not on Winchester seniors popular list after their last run in, if the way their father threw hostile glances at him the few times they set eyes on each other from across the street was anything to go by, so maybe it was better not to ask him outright.
Other than that, Dean had been rather cagey lately, and Castiel didn't much like this new distance but then he had asked for it in the first place. Only that he didn't quite mean that they shouldn't share their lives ups and downs anymore. But better too little than going too far.
Once they were seated in a nice cozy booth, table lit by a candle and decorated with some, rather cheep looking, flower display, they ordered a vast variety of pizzas and starters. Dean allowed Sammy to have a coke, fully aware that he will have to pay the price later, when he will have to pry the little menace off the ceiling. He thought it would be weird all of them here together, especially Cas and Amelia but they seem to cope surprisingly well and Dean was grateful they still took an interest in his little brother. He knew it would have broken his heart otherwise.
Dean was painfully aware that this was as close as he had to been to Castiel since that wrestling match and the subsequent fallout. Their legs were touching from where they sat next to each other and Dean could feel his pulse speed up. He tried not to focus too much on the other man, as when he did, his stomach would get all queasy, and there was free food to be had. Instead he showered Sammy with attention, making stupid shapes out of napkins and resisting the urge to press closer to Cas. He didn't need to embarrass himself again and get scolded by the older man.
The pizza was awesome, managing to take Dean's mind of things, because food- and soon they were all tucking into some dessert. Dean hadn't felt this full in a long time and he was sure Castiel had inconspicuously (or not so) loosened his belt a notch earlier. Ok, so he failed to stick strictly to his no gazing policy, especially when Cas' hands went there. Sammy was high on sugar and couldn't really sit still. He was monopolizing the conversation with stories of rehearsals and how he wrote the lyrics to his song and Dean could feel himself relax and leaned back into his seat. This felt eerily domestic and his skin was still tingling with the awareness of Cas' presence across the table, but all in all it was good.
Cas and Amelia got a good dose of Sammy's pester power when he discovered the couple of fairground type machines that were placed in the corner of the restaurant. Dean kept insisting that they wouldn't waste money on that, Amelia backing him up, but Cas was easier to break which his little brother worked out in about 5 seconds flat. After a long glance at Dean for permission, and Dean's response in form of an eye roll and a nod of his head, with a mouthed 'if you must', the man got up and took Sammy over to the machines. Deep down he was smiling that someone was spoiling his little brother, but he'd be damned if he let it show or Sammy might get the ideas.
Sammy was on his third try and getting slightly frustrated. Castiel didn't have the heart to tell him that really these games were designed for losing. He would let him have a few more goes, maybe he would get lucky.
"Hello Mr. Novak." Castiel turned around, coming face to face with one of the students from last semester. Something staring with "J" if he remembered correctly.
"Hello-"
"Jane. I was in your history class. Cute kid, is that your son?" She pointed at Sammy whose tongue was lolling out of the right side of his perched mouth in concentration as he worked the metallic arm back and forth, trying to find the perfect spot to plunge into the sea of cuddly toys.
"Sammy? Oh- no. He's- the kid of a neighbor. We are having pizza." He mentally slapped himself round the head, obviously they were having pizza, it was a pizza place. And did he really look old enough to be Sam's father? Well he guessed if he had him in his late teens it would be technically possible. God he suddenly felt old, not helped by his upcoming twenty-eight birthday and the knowledge that really he should have his life sorted out by now, had had his life sorted, only to now having to do it all over again because he had been too scared to face the truth.
The girl didn't seem to clue in on his sudden pensiveness and giggled, her gaze shifting from inquisitive to something more predatory as her eyes quickly flashed down to Cas' left hand, noticing the lack of a ring there, and then back to his eyes. She adjusted her stance, smiling at him.
"So, no kids and- any other attachments?"
Cas gulped, his collar felt too tight all of a sudden. Was this girl trying to proposition him or was he misreading her? "Erm, no but-"
She smiled, leaning in a bit. "I don't know if it is entirely appropriate but as I'm not one of your students anymore, would you, like maybe, want to meet for a drink one day? I always rather liked you."
"Oh, I-" He had no idea what to say without hurting her feelings. "I am flattered but-" Her face fell a little. "I mean you are very charming but I just have this policy of not going out with students, past or present. Sorry."
"Oh well, you can't blame a girl for trying." She shrugged, before getting back to her table halfway across the room, where her friends gave her a compassionate smile.
Dean sat at the table brooding. His relaxed mood was replaced by tense muscles and a churning stomach. Stupid food. He had observed the whole come on by that girl, some guts she had just chatting up a guy like that. His stomach clenched painfully in a fit of jealousy. Which he knew was actually uncalled for as for one thing, she had the wrong equipment for Cas to go after, and also, more importantly, he had no right to be jealous about anything. No matter how much he wanted to, they were not a thing, but it brought the point home painfully that apparently he still wanted there to be and even worse, sooner or later he would have to watch Cas getting together with someone else and damn it, he didn't like that thought at all. He hardly registered Amelia's concerned glance at his sullen expression or when Sammy and Cas came back to the table. He didn't even notice his brother ranting about the 'shitty game' and Amelia trying to console him.
He felt a foot nudge him under the table and jerked his head up, being met with familiar blue eyes he had tried to avoid.
"Hey, are you ok?" Cas asked concerned. He couldn't help but notice the sudden shift in the boy's mood from a few minutes ago.
"Yeah, sure. I'm just really tired, I guess getting up early for the paper route is getting to me a bit." It was the first thing he could think of.
Cas pierced him with his gaze then, and Dean really, really wished he would stop doing that, as it made him feel things he apparently wasn't allowed to. "You really should not have to do this. I can see how exhausted you are and you have only been doing it for two weeks. I wish you would just accept my offer to pay for that windscreen."
"And I told you I have to do this myself. I just-" 'don't want to owe you anything'. That was what it really came down to, his sense of self-reliance.
"Dean, pride can be a two edged sword, it is not wrong to have it but it can stop you from knowing when it is ok to accept help."
"I just, I need to do this, it was my mess and I need to clear it up, I just need to- please understand."
Cas studied him, tilting his head to the side in silent contemplation and, seeing the sincerity in Dean's gaze, the almost desperate need to fix this himself, he nodded his head.
"Fine, but please let me know if you need help with anything else in the future."
"Ok, I will, I promise." Dean smiled up at the older man. At least if it had to do with Sammy. He would not be too proud to ask for help. But his messes were his messes.
Cas was still looking at Dean and knew that really he needed to look away, dwelling on the intrinsic workings of one Dean Winchester was not helping him keeping things strictly they way they needed to be. He nodded at Dean once again before bringing his attention back to Sammy, who was still complaining about the game to a very patiently listening Amelia.
By the time they left the restaurant, Sammy had cheered up again and was on a sugar high of epic proportions. Dean would have a hard time getting him to bed and prayed his dad would still be out. If not there would be trouble ahead but it would have been worth it. They dropped Amelia off at her new place before heading home to their respective houses. Dean sighed in relief when there was no sign of their dad being at home and he could just get his brother into bed without any added complications.
#
"I don't think I can go in." Panic stricken blue eyes stayed glued to the glass door from where Castiel was stood across the other side of the sidewalk.
"Castiel, you made it this far, there is no way you're not going to go in now. Don't make me come down there!" He chuckled at the affectionate threat. "Now close you eyes and just take a deep breath and walk through that door, ideally after opening your eyes again." Amelia's stern but kind voice made him smile and relax.
He took in a big gulp of air, eyeing the door and the sign beside it warily. He had been pacing outside this building for the last ten minutes, feeling like a complete idiot, watching people of varying ages and gender walk through the doors, his heart hammering in his chest. He was sure he was about to have an anxiety attack.
"You're still not inside, are you? What are you scared off?"
Cas huffed. "I do not know. You know I am not good with people at the best of times and this, this is- I go through those doors and it makes it real."
"But Castiel, it is real, has been real all your life even when you tried it not to be. And you need to find some support, get some answers. Come on, I believe in you. Just get in there."
Cas smiled despite his nerves, the warm April breeze ruffling his by now way too long hair and making his trench coat flutter out behind him. It was weird how Amelia understood him so well. It had been hardly six months since their break-up and it was eerie sometimes how, after a few short months of coming to terms with the new reality, they had fallen back into an easy kinship, almost to the point that friends wondered why they had ever broken up in the first place. Castiel was determined to tell them one day, but right now he still didn't have the courage.
Which was the main reason he was here tonight. Inside this building, bang in the middle of central Chicago, was the bi-monthly meeting of a local LGBT group, one that, of all things, was run by a church. The one Castiel had stumbled upon during his first attempts of research, which by now felt like forever ago. After weeks of deliberation, distracting himself with his studies, living through his twenty-eight birthday (including a surprise home baked cake by Sammy and Dean) and subsequent early mid-life crisis, topped off by his inner struggles, he finally decided to go and get some answers.
Castiel had reached the point of accepting his sexual orientation, he simply got too tired of fighting it. But now he had no idea what to do with that acceptance. If and how his life would have to change as a result. His head was full of stereotypical ideas and preconception about gay men, many courtesy of his family and their church, and he couldn't really identify with them. Maybe these people had an answer, might be able to tell him where he fit in all of this, and that he was not wrong, not some sick mistake, someone that needed fixing, like he had been made to believe about people like him.
He took one final deep breath. "Ok, going in, I am going to hang up now."
"Call me later." Amelia said before the line went dead.
There were people, too many people for Castiel's liking. He didn't know where to look or who to address. He shuffled awkwardly across the room, making his way towards the tea and coffee area. It was clear that people here all knew each other and he had a sudden impulse to just turn around and leave.
"Hey, I'm Alan." A guy approached him with an outstretched hand and warm smile.
"Castiel." He took the hand and gave it a firm shake, just like his father had taught him. A weak handshake was a sign of a weak man. Castiel chased the internal voice of his father away.
"Nice you meet you. Your first time here?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"Nah, don't worry. Just that I pretty much know everyone who comes here. I help run this group. But we are always happy to see new faces."
Castiel smiled, feeling a bit more at ease.
"Why don't you grab a coffee, you know- make yourself comfortable. The meeting will start in a few minutes. We generally have a speaker for the first half and then it's open discussions and if you want you can to talk to someone one-to-one. After all we are here to support one another. I'm curious what your story is."
Castiel smiled warily, at bit unsure whether he was quite ready to share his story but then again he was here to get answers.
"Oh, I know it's hard talking about stuff. But believe me, we all have stories here, after all being gay and Christian generally doesn't mix all too well in this world. I guess that's why you're here at our group rather than at one of the others out there."
"I- yes, I guess I just need some answers." Castiel confided, feeling a slight flutter of hope that maybe he could learn to be happy with who he was, could unite these two seemingly opposite sides. This man was so relaxed and comfortable with himself, yet there was a hint of more about him.
Alan gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze. "Sorry, I have to get this meeting moving, but if you want we can talk later and I can introduce you to a few people.
"I would like that very much. Thank you." Castiel helped himself to a cup of coffee (instant, but just for tonight he would make a concession) and took a seat next to a couple of girls, introducing himself.
When he came home that evening, he was buzzing with excitement and a couple of new numbers in his phone of people who offered their support, and a listening ear should he need one. The whole evening had been a revelation. There were other people like him out there. He was, after all, not alone in this. As he got ready for bed, he couldn't keep a smile off his face. He had mostly been a quiet participant but just listening to other people had been really helpful.
That night was the first night in a very, very long time Castiel went to bed feeling hopeful. These people he met today had managed to overcome adversity, years of being treated like outcasts. Some stories he heard almost made him grateful for the lot he had been given. How any parent could put their children to something as gruesome as reprogramming he would never understand. Although he feared it wouldn't have been beyond his parents should they have found out about him while he was still underage.
Despite those thoughts, one thing he had taken away from tonight was a newfound determination to tell his family and accept whatever cost there might be. He knew at heart Gabriel meant well but how could he life his live authentically, maybe even find a partner, someone to share his life with, and then keep this from his family. It would mean he would keep on pretending, hiding part of him away, and Cas was not prepared to do that any longer. He had to start to think about his own happiness, lay the ghosts of his past to rest, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.