I already had a title pun, damn it: a Merlin & the Dragons Review! (Part Two.)
Anyway, so Merlin informs us that this story's Vortigern has 'unjustly declared himself King of all England'.
Stupid People: *GASP* but that's Arthur's job!
Not for another hundred fucking years it ain't!
So of course Vortigern's flags are the same as in Emrys' vision, meaning that way'd it go, Emrys, your demonic foresight told you of his arrival a mere ten seconds before he showed up.
I'm sure THOSE useless-ass psychic powers are going to be VERY helpful in life, just imagine that:
"Whoa!" Emrys freezes "I see... an arrow... huh, over now, must've been nothi-UGH!" he gets shot in the heart and dies.
Okay, that one's a little cheap, but seriously, at best this can serve as Spidey-Sense, letting him know when he's in immediate danger of something, and that stuff's only useful for so many cases, there's plenty where he'd be toast either way, like standing on a volcano, or in the path of a tidal wave, or ever just you know, something that he can't locate to get out of the way of in time, sure if it is an arrow or something he could duck but come on, just ducking every time won't save him.
Moving onwards, Merlin goes on to inform us that Vortigern had been fleeing his enemies for weeks.
Wow, really sounds like he's the one in charge here, we gotta get rid of this guy to regain control of Britain, I mean like, it's not as if he's been on the run for weeks while some other smoe is totally controlling Britain as we speak.
My point is that he's not nearly as dangerous or at least most definitely not as powerful as the movie's making him out to be, which reminds me, I should probably mention that the movie started playing dark, villainous music the moment Vortigern's name was first said, just so you know they actually went ahead and did that.
Anyways, Vortigern's army was worn and weak from months of fighting, they now comprise of a few dozen men and three wizards.
...hold on, wizards?
The guy has wizards?
Does this mean his enemies have wizards?
How many wizards are there?
Don't even TRY to tell me that Emrys is a wizard, his predictions were bullshit and he knows it. You, the movie, have specifically showed us that they were.
...*sigh* you're gonna make Emrys be a wizard too, aren't you?
Stupid fucking movie and it's falling for it's own lies.
Present-Time Note: LOL! oh my god, they drop me one bit of information and I immediately respond with question after question demanding more! "He has three wizards." - "TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SUBJECT." Man, it's been forever since I've done something like that, I forgot how hilarious that shit is!
So then Merlin tells us that the lives of the people of Emrys' peaceful hills were about to change, forever.
...first off, tsk, as if that didn't already happen with the birds.
Second, Vortigern has enemies, enemies who are supposed to be chasing him right now, so if you're trying to imply that Vortigern conquers the hill people and rules them with an iron fist, well, it's only gonna be so long before Vortigern's enemies arrive and kill the fuck out of him.
But meh, there's still a few different (and possibly hilarious) ways this could go, and it seems like it's finally starting to get to something really dark and yeah I just basically have a good feeling that this part is gonna be really fun, so let's go!
So Vortigern then declares that up on top of Emrys' special thinking-hill, (where the boy's been spending all of his time ever since the whole eclipse thing), is where he wants his own personal tower built.
...
Well it looks like I'm not the only guy out there who's all 'fuck you, Emrys.'
But seriously! dude, your enemies are hot on your trail as you speak, you don't have TIME to build a fucking tower!
...ah shit, the movie's just gonna completely ignore that plot point, isn't it?
Fuck! be consistent already!
Ugh, moving on from there, Vortigern also orders his men to round-up the people of the hills and make them build his tower, wow, nobody saw that one coming. He then turns to his three wizards and tells them... to do whatever the fuck they need to in order to please the gods.
...fuck! these guys aren't real wizards, are they!? no, they're priests, which means they're just a group of fakers who've tricked Vortigern into believing that they're fake-ass gods exist, and now they're living the sweet life just making shit up and doing whatever the hell they want.
They get hungry? "we have to keep our strength up so we can please the Gods!" or even "the Gods demand that we devour only the best food!"
They get horny? "the Gods want us to rape this woman!" or less likely "the Gods want us to rape this man! I don't wanna! but they say so!" or, much more likely "the Gods want us to rape this child!"
They get tired? uh, again, just, the keeping their strength up thing, or maybe something about needing to sleep so the gods can visit them in their dreams.
They get bored? "The Gods DEMAND that these two peasants knife fight to the death!" or literally anything else they feel like.
...I wonder if they convinced Vortigern by telling him that the sun would disappear.
...
Yeah, that's right: Emrys is no better than they are.
HA! of course I'm joking, but damn, there's actually tons of things the two of them have in common, both they and him pulled these lying stunts just to get people to believe in something that was complete bullshit, they're one and the same in that sense, these guys' intent was just a lot more harmful than his.
...sp-speaking of them and Emrys, I, well I just need to mention this: these fuckers look like they actually WERE spawned by a demon.
[terrifying picture of these creepy-ass motherfuckers, they have sickly skin, bags under their psycho eyes, and long spindly fingers, one of them is dressed in orange, the second in purple, and the third in green]
HOLY FUCK!
Just DAMN, and I though his girlfriend was creepy! these dudes are straight-up nightmarish! if you think they look scary as a picture, try seeing them move, they're fuckin' scary, man! jeeze, maybe THEY'RE what got to me as a kid! I don't remember them now, and that could easily be because I repressed the memory! fuck!
So, being done with new character assessments, let's get the fuck back to the plot!
So then Vortigern and his men force the hill people, who don't even try to resist him at all, to cut huge stone slabs of rock and shape them into bricks, which they then hull away to the tower on their little Welsh ponies.
*Shocked silence.*
No.
No!
NOT THE PONIES!
NOBODY, fucks with me, and my ponies!
[picture of sad Rarity working as a slave for the Diamond Dogs, she has the harness to pull the cart and all that]
They're basically doing this.
My Little Welsh Pony,
My Little Welsh Pony...!
Oh why-why-why-why-why...!?
Oh My Little Welsh Pony,
Making you work all night and day,
Oh My Little Welsh Pony,
Some day soon you'll make 'em pay!
Tons of boulders,
What awful luck,
Breaking your back,
It really sucks!
Moving these rocks,
Is no easy feat!
And no resting makes it all complete!
Oh My Little Welsh Pony,
I don't know how to finish this, sooong!
...
OH WHY THE PONIES!?
*Ten Minutes Later*
O-okay, I think I've gotten ahold of myself, I think I'm good.
Well, at least now they've thoroughly turned me against the villains, so... good for them I guess.
Me and the Ponies are still totally gonna get revenge on the creators though.
[picture of the mane six glaring]
Even Fluttershy won't hold back.
Yes, I know I'm using quite a few pictures, but damn is it worth it for Ponies.
And so Vortigern (I'm still insulted that they villainized him) drives the hill people mercilessly (we know 'cause we get to see exactly TWO seconds of some frail dudes working, with tools), and after a while his tower starts to be built, we're told that it's grim and powerful, dominating the hills, but honestly I think it looks just fine, certainly not grim, and even though it does look sturdy, I sure as hell wouldn't say it looked powerful, anyway, I guess the thing's all finished now, and so they have some moment where they toss Vortigern's banner over the top, no comment on that, and then it just fades away into night.
After a moment the camera pans back enough so we can see Emrys, who's still alive and I must say he looks NO worse than he did back before Vortigern showed up, meaning that he must've been slacking off and eating fine while all the other hill people were being oppressed, so screw you, Emrys, though of course they wouldn't BE oppressed at all if his Mom would just get her father to send his army and free them, and don't give me some bullshit excuse like 'she can't', I doubt very much that she and her father, who she seemed to be on good terms with, would just not communicate with each other for extensive periods of time, yes just about every which way you go with this there is a possible excuse, but damn is it ever unlikely, we all know the real reason why she doesn't is because that would be too easy, and they want Emrys to save the day instead, like I said, her being a princess isn't going to effect the plot at all, it's just there to make precious little Emrys even more special by giving him royal blood, for shame.
Also he's just kicked back sleeping on the ground, not even on the grass or anything, he's sleepin' on rock, and what's more, he's the only one, yep, no one else in sight anywhere, why the hell is that? well of course they never give us a single fucking reason so I'll tell you why! it's because some serious shit's about to go down here and he's the only one who's gonna get to see it.
You know, him being so special really wouldn't bother me if only they gave us some actual fucking reasons for it, like he's out here alone as punishment for slacking off or something, hm, but then again, I suppose no reasons might be better than unbearably stupid reasons that drag the film out even more, meh.
And so then Merlin's voice starts up yet again:
"But that very night..."
SEE!? I TOLD YOU SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN FOR JUST HIM!
"...the tower began to shudder and shake."
A rumble starts and Emrys wakes the hell up, he easily gets to his feet, having clearly not suffered at all during this time, and looks at the tower which is not shaking.
A moment later, however, shaking does start, only problem is everything's shaking, not just the tower, but the hills surrounding it, and the ground under Emrys' feet. Everything keeps shaking for a moment longer before a crack appears in the tower, finally exposing the weak link, the crack then spreads out over the rest of the tower, and then the shaking makes it suddenly split in half, meaning that obviously the whole thing was the weak link and that it's good this is happening now instead of later, and so then fire suddenly erupts from the center of it and the rest of the scene just matches Emrys' vison from when we first met him step-by-step.
So... is it a volcano?
Or do we not get an explanation for that either?
Well, let's find out I guess. *shrugs*
...
...okay, I just watched the next scene, and guess what?
Emrys is freaked the fuck out.
The boy is terrified! what the hell!? I mean, he didn't bat an eye at it earlier! why is he scared now!?
...
Ah, so that's why, you see, he's not terrified of the burning castle and the disasterous earthquake, no, that would be understandable, instead, he's all terrified because now he believes that he CAN tell the future!
AND IT FUCKING SCARES HIM!
Wuss! this is what you (indirectly) wanted!
MOVING ON! (I'm mostly moving on because I'm furious, but don't want to spend time and effort finding the right words to more accurately describe what it is about this that I'm pissed at.)
So Vortigern is of course woken up by this too, I would... think, I would also think he'd have been inside his newly finished tower... and be dead now... but apparently he decided to sleep in a fancy tent on one of the hills. Anyway, he runs out and finds his tower all utterly destroyed, cue moment of watching him gape at it in confused disbelief, and then the idiot's instantly convinced in his head that the hill people did this on purpose just to piss him off.
...dude, first of all, why would they reble against you now? that's just stupid, and second, if I was them, and I had the equipment to cause an explosion of that magnitude, would I use it to blow up the tower I had just finished building? no, no I most certainly would not, what I would do, as a matter of fact, would be to blow up your fucking tent, killing you and scaring your men off, or blow up your men's camp, killing them and leaving you alone and at my very unlikely mercy, and then in either case I'd move on into my sweet-ass new tower, throw down your banner, make a glass of lemonade, and chill out at the top of it, I'd, win.
So then of course he punishes them harshly and-wait, what's that? no? he just orders them to rebuild the tower? he doesn't, like, punish them at all? even though he stubbornly thinks they somehow did it on purpose?
...every character in this movie is stupid.
Except Merlin of course.
And so then the hill people go back to work rebuilding the tower, Vortigern's men pushing them even harder than before, and then... they have the tower almost completely rebuilt by the very next night.
DAMN, that is fucking impressive! I mean like, WOW! that's just, well that's just utter bullshit just like the rest of this movie.
*Sigh.*
And so now that the tower's rebuilt Vortigern is finally happy and-oh wait nope, another earthquake comes that night and destroy's the tower once again, this time also with roaring flames.
FUCK, I am sick, and tired of those damn flames! they're always there, but nobody ever adresses them in the least, we have no explanation for where they come from, and they never leave burn marks or impede the progress of the workers or have any impact on anything or anybody! what, the, hell, is, up, with, those, things!?
Next!
So of course Vortigern is furious blah blah blah and he makes the hill people work until some of them drop dead rebuilding the thing once more, but you guys know the drill, the earthquake strikes again the next night and it's all reduced to shit.
This is the point where most men would've given up and moved on, but not Vortigern! no, he's one of those men who come to view things like this as a challenge.
...and then when the challenge inevitably gets too tough for him, he declares that dark magic must be behind this! and then he turns to his OH GOD NO!
[picture of his wizards, it's a different picture than last time]
He turns to these demonic fuckers.
He, ugh, goes to them, and demands they take care of the dark magic, they agree and set to work NEXT!
We then find Emrys sitting next to the old geezer (who I swear did not tell him he could sit there), and thank goodness, it looks like we're gonna watch them do something now instead of-DAMN IT! here come Vortigern's 'wizards', who Emrys and the old geezer watch from above, the pathetic fakers are wearing different robes than they usually do, must be for the 'ceremony' (fake-ass stunt made to convince people of their power) that they're about to perform, okay, let's just get this thing over with-wait... WHAT THE FUCK!?
Their all-powerful 'ceremony'... is playing a game of marbles?
What the hell!?
I'm not kidding! I'm serious! they start playing marbles! they put it as "drawing the magic circle of power, and tossing the sacred stones of fate", when it's really just fucking MARBLES.
I... I can't take them fuckin' seriously anymore, this, this just takes away their scary impact on me...
*Looks at Pictures Again*
Almost.
So... after... that... they then continue their 'ceremony' by... throwing down sticks and looking at them.
"Consult the Sacred Sticks of Prophecy." is how they put it.
Ooh, better watch out, idiots, that's the second time now that you've used the word 'sacred' on one of your random objects.
So after a while of... that, they eventually announce the 'ceremony' over, and they go to visit Vortigern, they reach him and make up random bullshit to be their 'findings'.
This is what they say, word for word:
Orange One: "You must, errrh *glances at Purple One*, find, a, a fatherless child."
Purple One: "Aw yes, a fatherless child."
Green One: "Er, yeah, a boy, uh, spawned by a, demon..."
Purple One: "And sprinkle his blood onto the stone."
Orange One: "Only then will the gods of this land let your tower stand."
And that's it.
...
Okay, first off, stupid rhyming jackass at the end there.
Second, that's awfully frickin' specific towards Emrys.
Third, YOU CAN TELL THEY'RE FUCKIN' LYING!
And fourth, even if that's not enough evidence for you, they instantly turn to each other once they're done and do this:
[picture of them grinning and laughing together, yes, they legitimately do this after successfully making up their bullshit story]
Orange: "Whahoo boiy's! we'h did'it!"
Purple: "Yeeah! dat old fool ain't got nothin' on us!"
Green: "He can go fuck himself!"
Idiots.
Oh, and Purple One and Green One totally switched sides between camera angles, real impressive.
So then since this movie is stupid, Vortigern instantly believes them, however, because this movie is stupid and made him mean, he doesn't show a sliver of gratitude towards them! YES! he instead gruffly orders them to get their lazy asses out there and find him such a boy!
And you'll never believe how they react.
"B-but sire...!" they whine "...we don't know if such a boy exists!"
...
FUCKING, MORONS!
*Half an Hour Later, after much screaming and ranting about HOW FUCKING STUPID THOSE THREE ARE*
Okay... so now I'm getting beautiful insight into what Erik's life is like... it's just like I honestly expected... only I'm sure it's much worse for him... moving on...!
So then Vortigern shoves aside his 'wizards' for being useless, and later on he decrees to his army that he is putting a massive bounty on the head of all fatherless boys spawned by demons, ooh, looks like trouble for Emrys! (who, seriously, I've been starting to miss), and with excited cheers the greedy soldiers scatter out and begin their hunt, likely just seizing every little boy they saw in the hopes that he's the one.
But back with Vortigern, a small boy who we've never seen before walks up and tugs on Vortigern's sleeve.
Not the brightest lad, sure, but brave, and he's clearly been actually suffering for real under Vortigern's rule, so I like him better than Emrys already!
It's a real shame I have a really, really bad feeling about this boy's fate.
"Please, Sir!" he begs "we of the village know of such a boy...!" he then continues to spill EVERYTHING about Emrys.
...oh.
Well, I had honestly thought that he was probably going to defend Emrys, like claim that they've never heard of any such boy around these parts and ask him to please cut them a break.
But I guess he's just a scumbag, huh, *shrugs*, all well, still like him better than Emrys.
Speaking of Emrys, we cut back over to him, finally, he's sitting beside the old geezer again, but his eyes are just staring off, and he doesn't look very happy, kinda bothered really, with a bit of mystified awe.
...now would be a good time to put up a picture, but screw that!
Anyway, Merlin's voice then pops up and informs us that Emrys is having yet another vision, oh great, what is it this time? ...well, apparently it's that inside his favorite hill, below the ruins of the castle, there lies a fucking pond, and just sittin' there chillin' out in said pond are two very conspicuously smooth stones, that are... pulsing.
Oh god, they're dragon eggs aren't they-OH LET'S JUST WAIT AND SEE! I don't even wanna think about it right now, I'm getting too excited at the thought, j-just move on for now...!
So then of course Vortigern calls out an order for Emrys' immediate arrest, demanding that the boy be brought before him, and so after a while a pair of guards approach Emrys and the old geezer, demanding that Emrys come with them, the old geezer turns to Emrys, and he smiles, he then pats him on the shoulder, and says "trust your dreams." though his extremely happy face says "you're fuckin' screwed now, boy!"
And so the guards seize Emrys and march away with him, they swiftly return to Vortigern and present him with their prisoner.
Vortigern is all 'this is Emrys? the demon-spawned boy?'
And Emrys is all 'I'm Emrys, but my Pap's no demon, Sir.'
Then why are you so healthy-looking, hmm!?
Vortigern is all 'ah fuck it, I'll kill you anyway, slay-him...!' he orders lazily.
Oh and by the way, they're doing this just beside the hill of the tower, just right there out in the open, and there's a big fucking crowd of people around them, including the old geezer, (who apparently followed), and the three moron "wizards", who are chuckling all pleased with themselves, and Emrys' mother, it's right here at this point that she gasps in horror and dramatic music starts up, she clutches her heart and tries desperately to reach out to her son, but a guard with a spear holds her back.
Coward, if he was a real man he'd give her the spear and beg for mercy, or, you know, at least not push a weakened, defenseless mother around like that.
Anyway, we finish focusing on her and move on to OH DEAR LORD, WHAT THE FUCK!?
[picture of the orange wizard stretching his shoulder, the green wizard stroking his staff, and the purple wizard caressing a knife, they are all hideous and terrifying, especially their eyes]
THE MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHOS!
Okay! okay! I take it back! you're still scary as fuck, alright!? YOU'RE SCARY AS FUCK!
(It's even worse when you see them move.)
So of course Emrys' mother nearly faints from seeing that, meanwhile the old geezer makes eye-contact with Emrys, only to close his eyes and nod all solemnly.
Well that's really helpful, thanks.
Anyway, Emrys suddenly turns to Vortigern and says "better you should have my dream!"
...of course, everyone else is just like 'what the fuck!? what's he talkin' about!? what does that even mean!?'
In response, Emrys is all like 'well why don't you just ask your wizards what's hidden away underneath your tower?'
Everybody instantly looks at the three dumbasses, who suddenly look very uncomfortable and confounded, hmm, wonder why that is.
At this, Vortigern thinks carefully for a moment, before saying three little words with massive importance:
"Untie the boy."
The guards do so and Vortigern walks closer to the rubble, taking Emrys with him, asking him what he sees in these 'dreams', while behind them the three idiots still look confused.
"Dig under the rubble, and you will find a large pool of water." Emrys insists to the king.
Vortigern, who is actually being super-reasonable right now as you may have noticed, thoughtfully agrees that undergroud water could very easily be the cause of the tower's collapse, even though everyone seems to be forgetting that the tower collapses thanks to earthquakes that shake the entire hills.
Anyway, Vortigern decides that very well, they'll dig deep under the tower, but if there's nothing there and you're lying to him, boy, then your blood will be spilt, and if there is water and you're telling the truth, you may be free to go.
Again, just 'cause I need to stress this, he's being really fucking reasonable right now.
Okay, so then-OH GOD THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
*Hides*
O-okay, so, basically they had the three nightmares go all psycho with the knife again, just to stress to us what's waiting for Emrys if he's wrong, thanks for that, movie.
And so then we're shown a couple clips of people digging and Merlin tells us that Vortigern's men dug deep into the hill until they did in fact eventually find a big-ass pool of water, and inside that pool were two huge stones "breathing in and out" as he puts it, which would be the pulsing I mentioned earlier, and with each pulse the mud around them would ripple and shift.
When Vortigern and Emrys are brought over to check this shit out, Vortigern asks what's up with the stones, Emrys responds by saying that inside the rocks are dragons fast asleep.
...HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT!?
You know what!? I bet he doesn't! he's just making bullshit up again! because that, everybody, is what he does best!
I mean like, sure, that's what I assumed, but I've been given a strong promise of dragons, he hasn't got shit to make him think that, stupid fucking Emrys just randomly knowing things he shouldn't all the time.
So anyway, Emrys goes on to say that the dragon eggs keep shaking the earth because they're getting ready to hatch, duh, and-oh wait, no! no he doesn't! instead, he says that these dragons' dreams shake the earth each night when they go to sleep, and doesn't say shit about their hatching cycle.
Fucking, idiot.
I mean like, COME ON, even if that WAS somehow the case, then why haven't the hills been shaking for years!? why only the past three nights!? you're not going to try to tell me that they go Emrys' entire life without their dreams shaking the earth, only to have it randomly happen three nights in a row, I guess maybe since they're magical dragons you could say that it's a reaction to stars aligning or some shit, but my hatching theory still makes a thousand times more sense, no matter which way you slice it.
Anyway, Vortigern seems to go into deep thought, and the camera moves to a ways behind them, where we find the three demon-spawns whispering amonst themselves, we then go back over to Vortigern and Emrys and find a pair of Vortigern's men climbing down into the pit, he doesn't seem to have ordered them to, but they do anyway, they then decide that it's somehow a good idea to draw hammers and pound away on the eggs, this goes EXACTLY as well as you'd expect, and the eggs suddenly crack all over with a bright old flash of Solar Flare, and then DRAGONS! FINALLY!
*I cheer excessively*!
Yes! yes! come on, Dragons! this is what I've been waiting for! YAY!
Out of one egg bursts a dragon "white as milk"! and out of the other comes a dragon who's "red as wine"!
So according to this movie, dragons basically exist to represent various drinks.
Lame.
Anyway, the dragons rapidly grow into huge, beautiful things! (which the movie doesn't acknowledge, it just acts like they were this size the whole time even though the eggs weren't anywhere even remotely close to being big enough to contain them, hell, just their individual heads alone would take up most of an egg), and come climbing up out of the ground! opening their wings and rising far above everybody watching! especially Vortigern and Emrys, who were standing right outside the cave.
And then, raising their heads, they both let out pissed-off battle cries! Emrys, at a loss for words, just gapes at them stupidly!
And then, still roaring, they start rising up into the air! flapping their wings and stretching their necks! Vortigern also just stares at them helplessly!
And then, the Dragons fight!
And this, dear readers, is the part of the movie that always really confused me, I mean, why did they have to fight? especially if the two of them are siblings, like logic dictates they should be, I always wondered that, why couldn't they just, you know, team up and kill all the people? I'm serious, I wondered that as a kid, for real, little me just sat there, confounded, just wondering "why didn't the dragons just work together and kill all the people? wouldn't that have been just so much nicer?"
Yeah, that's me alright.
But, you know, eh, I may as well make the best of it, and on that note: it's time for a DRAGON BATTLE!
(My, isn't this exciting?)
Here, I'll include a picture so you can see what they look like, though you can just ingore it and imagine them however you'd like them to look if you want. (Oh, and if you think the red one looks smaller, it's 'cause he totally is, we see it very clearly in other shots after this.)
[picture of the two dragons flying high over the castle, they have long and thin serpentine bodies, their wings and their front legs are one and the same and shaped exactly like bat wings, ]
Pictured: Epic.
And that breaks the streak of pictures about the three psychotic morons!
Umph! yeah! let's go!
So first, they circle each other while rising even higher into the sky! yes, yes! next, they break apart! yeah, and then? ooh! red one darts at the white! who backs the fuck off, then they roar at each other some more, yeah, and then the white one STARTS BLASTING FIRE! the fire shoots at the red one, who leans back a bit, opens his mouth, and returns fire! the fire from both dragons connects, AND EXPLODES! hitting everything, themselves, the hills, the hill people, with a massive shockwave! and it rains sparks for fuck's sake! this is by far the awesomest part of the movie so far in terms of sheer epicness! they recover and circle each other again, the red one aggresively nipping at the white one, and when the white one tries to fly away, the red one shoots fire at it again! the white one turns and returns fire! BOOM the fire connects and explodes once more! casting another shockwave and shower of sparks! they then charge at each other! *GASP* they ram chest-first into each other! both crying out in pain! they drift apart a bit, but the red one recovers faster and fucking bites the white one in the neck! *GASP* wait a moment, what's this!? the red one's teeth break off on impact!? along with a bunch of the white one's scales!? and they fall down to the ground below!? whoa! that is just insane-oh... one of the red one's teeth fall right into Emrys' hands... great, just great, all well, ON WITH THE FIGHT!
Oh, wait, what's that? we're done with the fight for the moment?
...FUCK!
So instead of the dragon fight, we focus on how completely dumbfounded all the human characters are, boring, let's just skip back to the fight-oh, wait a second, Vortigern just snapped out of it! he grabs a bow from the nearest guard and... draws an arrow.
No.
NO!
Don't you DARE tell me he's going to interfere!
...*crying* oh of course he is! I remember from childhood!
*Stifiling sigh.*
And so he shoots the arrow through the red dragon's right wing, distracting it and allowing the white dragon to sneak in and bite it's throat, I put emphasis on 'bite' because Merlin's voice pops up and tells us that the white dragon "slashed" the red's throat, which is bullshit, it clearly bit, not slashed, and no it was not a slashing bite, just a bite.
[picture of the bite]
Pictured: Proof.
*Sniff* and so then, the red dragon fell, crashing on the ground, unconscious, the white dragon then follows it, blasting fire and burning it away to nothing, by this time Vortigern had fetched another arrow and began to aim at the white dragon's neck, however the dragon (it's so sad that I don't have to specify which one) has other ideas and decides to fly off right then, disappearing into the distance in no time.
...Vortigern then rounds on Emrys, and demands that since this was all HIS dream and all that, then what was the meaning of this event, boy!?
Emrys then snarkily responds that the red dragon represents Vortigern, (well I would think so, the color of the dragon featured on his flags is of course red, by the way), and that soon he too shall be very, very dead.
...you've got spunk, boy.
Vortigern grabs Emrys by his shirt, and...! just let's him go, totally unharmed, free.
Well that certainly was overly nice of him.
So... RESEARCH TIME!
...
Aha! apparently, as I suspected, this event is bullshit too! in the original (real) story, the red dragon kills the white! (also, it turns out they're not siblings, they're sworn ememies who were both captured and buried in the hill, this of course happens in another Arthurian legend, since there's so darn many of them and they all connect, like comic-books... it's also really frickin' nice to know, that makes me feel shitloads better about it), Vortigern (the not cruel original and therefore real one) then asks Emrys what this means, and Emrys explains that the red dragon represents Vortigern's people, and the white one the invading Saxons, meaning that Vortigern's people, who will eventually become the Welsh, will succeed in driving out the Saxons, and free all of Britain from their tyrrany.
So, let's look at this, we've got a villainized Vortigern, and the dragon battle's been twisted around horribly.
You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Voice: "that we need more Ponies?"
What!? no! I mean, god yes, but that's not what I'm talking about!
Voice: "Oh... well then what?"
This bullshit film is nothing but SAXON PROPAGANDA!
END FOR NOW!
- Sunday, August 2, 2015.