Chapter 14

If I loved you less,

I might be able to talk about it more.

Jane Austen

'Dear Diary, today I tried not to think about Mr. Knightly. I tried not to think about him when I discussed the menu with Cook... I tried not to think about him in the garden where I thrice plucked the petals off a daisy to acertain his feelings for Harriet. I don't think we should keep daisies in the garden, they really are a drab little flower.'

Anne leaned her head against the sturdy sheltering apple-tree, giving the words some time to sink in. She too had never thought of him ever since the wedding. And even less than never since they ran into each other in town.

She had not thought of him as she removed the little Jasmine from the pocket of his jacket to put it into a tiny vase and place it on her windowsill.

She had not thought of him as she woke up early from a restless night and helped Marilla preparing the breakfast.

She had not thought of him as she wandered through the forest, a penetrating bird strangely singing his name over and over again.

"…And I tried not to think about him when I went to bed, but something had to be done", Anne whispered the next sentence to herself.

"Anne."

Startled she let out a shriek and almost threw the book away, before she realized what a mistake that would have been and shoved it away - between the soft grass and the fabric of her skirt.

"I'm sorry", Gilbert chuckled, approaching her. "What have you been reading?" Curiously he looked down at her, searching for whatever it was that had captured her so mere moments ago.

"Uh, nothing", she replied, feeling how the heat was rushing through her body.

"What do you mean 'nothing'? You just read something", confused, even a little amused, he leaned one shoulder against the trunk and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Um, yes yes, but it was nothing important. Only some book Diana wanted me to read."

Before he could ask any further, Anne lifted her head to look up at him "You make me nervous, hovering over me like that."

"Oh", Gilbert bit his lips, he hadn't intended to come any nearer for now. It had taken him almost one week to gather the courage to face her alone, but that didn't mean he was stronger than his desires or aches inside his heart.

Looking into her sparkling green-grey eyes, he knew he had lost this battle before it had even begun, and sat down beside her, making sure their arms wouldn't touch.

"So…" Anne licked her lips. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to approach this subject. But somehow she had to know what it was that connected Gilbert to this girl. "You… have been busy this week, huh?"

"Yes", Gilbert took a grass stalk between his fingers, twirling it around, "I'm sorry I didn't come by sooner."

"Oh, there's no need to be sorry", Anne dropped her gaze, trying to sound as unaffected as possible, "We didn't have an appointment or the like. It's not like you are in my debt."

No, of course not. Gilbert inhaled sharply, trying to regain control over this pain inside of him. It was not as if they would somehow belong to each other. Everybody could to whatever they desired…

"Are your guests still in Avonlea?"

"Huh?" Gilbert needed a few moments to follow her thoughts. Unlike her, to him the reasons why they haven't seen each other weren't connected to Maryanne and her mother. "Oh, yes. They will take the train on Monday."

"Oh…" Anne felt a strange fuming sensation rising inside her, "She… seemed to be a nice girl."

"Uh-huh. She is", he replied absent-mindedly.

Anne was slowly getting frustrated with him. Why did he make such a secret out of this girl? "How do you even spell her name? Like Robin Hood's 'Marian'?"

Gilbert was a little confused about how persistent she was concerning this topic. It didn't really make the most interesting one, "Um, no. Like Mary and Anne. With an E." He remembered the silly joke Maryanne had made and felt the blood rushing to his cheeks.

"Uh…" Anne with an E.

Now that the feeling grew stronger, she could clearly identify it as envy. Envious of the name of course. Maryanne was like her name - only covered in a beautiful dress! Not like plain, unromantic 'Anne'!

Suddenly she had the intense desire to remind him that she had been once the person he wanted to be close to. The one he had shared all his thoughts and secrets and schemes with. "I still have your jacket. You must not forget it, Gil."

"Oh yes, right." How could he have forgotten that? Of course he had not. But Gilbert wasn't sure if it was a good idea to get this jacket back. The only witness of this fateful night. But not only that. By now it would be completely covered in her scent, and he didn't know if his heart would bear this bittersweet souvenir.

Anne watched Gilbert as he seemed completely lost in his thoughts. When had things become so complicated between them anyway?

Well, this wasn't the right question really; their relationship had been complicated from day one. Could it start any more disastrous than being humiliated in front of the whole class and breaking a slate over a strange boy's head? Hardly.

But still. Even their rivalry - or however she should call those years in which she refused so forcefully to forgive Gilbert Blythe – seemed so easy and comfortable to her now. They somehow had been connected from the very first second, it only showed in a very peculiar manner.

And when she finally had overcome her own pride - forgiving Gilbert for good - and they became friends – if they haven't been in some very strange way before – it felt like such a gift to her.

When she had been little, all Anne had ever dreamt of – well beside a real home and family – was to have a bosom friend, a kindred spirit who would be like a sister to her. And she had found her in Diana - her sister by heart. Anne knew, Diana would always be there for her if she would stumble on her road. If everything would fall down, she could always turn to her best friend and find shelter.

But Gilbert was like… Gilbert was like… Anne pondered.

Gilbert was a kindred spirit like no one else. Sometimes it even scared her how he was able to read her mind. How he thought of the very same thing at the very same second.

He challenged her like nobody else. He brought the worst sides inside her to the surface, because nobody got under her skin like he did. But he also brought out her best sides - sides she hadn't even known existed. It was as if he would be the keeper of some keys which opened doors inside her that would have always remained close otherwise.

Gilbert was like raging storm and safe haven in one person.

He was the one she sometimes feared the most, and yet at the same time she could never stay away from him.

Why couldn't they be children all over again? Why did they have to grow up and change? Gilbert would have never proposed to her if he would have simply stayed the boy who had called her 'Carrots'.

This boy with the mischievous twinkling eyes... the red and still a bit chubby cheeks... those curly brown hairs peeking out under his cheeky lopsided cap...

"What?" Gilbert patted his hair, thinking some leaf or the like must have fallen onto him, as she continued to stare at him.

Anne blushed as she realized she had watched him blatantly the whole time.

"Do I have something on my head?"

"Uh-uh. No", awkwardly she smoothed out her skirt and blouse. She understood she had to save this situation somehow or else he could misinterpret the looks she had given him, "Um, I only, uh, I just remembered your cap."

"My… cap?" Puzzled he raised his eyebrows.

"Yes", determined she kept her eyes on the trees in front of her, "You know, the one you always wore in school."

"Oh", he knit his brow, "What is with my cap?"

"Nothing", Anne shrugged, "I just noticed you haven't worn it for a very long time."

"Oh. Uh. Well, that's true."

"Why not?" She finally dared to meet his eyes again, this question suddenly feeling like the greatest concern.

"Well", he moved his shoulders up and down, pondering, "I don't know. I suppose I simply grew out of it. Just like you grew out of your pigtails."

"Oh…"

"You don't miss it, do you?" He tilted his head, looking teasingly at her.

"What?" Mortified she felt her face burning, "O-of course not! Don't get so smug, Gilbert Blythe!" She spun her head around, sticking her nose up in the air.

Gilbert chuckled, leaning his head against the tree. Maybe it would going to be alright. Maybe he would learn to be her friend again, someday.

A tiny movement out of the corner of his eyes caught his attention. Gilbert looked down, spotting a bright red ladybug sitting on his hand.

Carefully he lifted his arm.

"Anne", he whispered, as if being afraid to scare the little animal away.

"What?" She looked at him before following his gaze. "Oh!" Her eyes beamed, "How many?" She whispered back.

"Four, I believe. Two for you and two for me", he grinned.

It was one of their many secrets, one of the many things nobody would have understood if they heard them talking.

"What do you believe what the black spots mean, Gil?" she had asked him years ago, nodding to a little red bug resting on a petal.

"Hm…" Gilbert pondered, wanting to give her a satisfying answer, "Maybe one has as many wishes as they got spots."

"Oh! I know it!" She beamed at him, touching his arm, "Every ladybug is born with the same amount of spots, but every time someone wishes on them, one disappears!"

He smiled at her, loving to see the stories unfolding in her head, "And what happens once they don't have any left?"

"Then… then they turn into raspberries", she grinned.

"Raspberries, huh?" Gilbert raised his eyebrows, "I don't think I can ever eat them again…"

Anne laughed, "All the more remain for me!"

"Here", without thinking about his intention, he searched for her left hand, encircling her wrist. Gently he lifted her arm up, bringing their fingers together until they build a bridge for the bug.

Too late he realized the effect their closeness had to him and his heart, as they both looked down, waiting for the ladybug to continue its journey.

Gilbert tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He had to control himself to not entwine all her fingers with his and then simply never let go of Anne.

Anne noticed abashedly that her eyes weren't watching this little creature, but the hand it was resting upon. Gilbert had remarkable fine hands for a boy. They were big and strong yet slender and smooth. She couldn't really blame the ladybug for not leaving him.

She wondered if he ever shared such moments or secrets with Maryanne. Or any other girl for that matter. Her stomach twisted at that thought. It just didn't feel right to think that anybody else would share a world with Gilbert like she did.

"You know…" she finally broke their silence just to say anything, "Maybe it simply doesn't want to fulfil my wishes," she tried to sound funny, but somehow it was hard to sound funny while their hands brushed.

Gilbert lifted his head and met her eyes, a curly strand of hair falling into his forehead, "Or maybe…"

'…the thing you wanted to wish for did already come true', it rushed through his mind.

But then he remembered that this was his wish. Not hers.

"…Or maybe it simply doesn't want to become a raspberry just yet."

AN: Amybf19: Oh thank you! :D You're right, maybe someone should write about their wedding night ^^

RHrGreatness: Look who's back! A-dora-ble-ness! ;D But for how long… *mysterious expression* You know it's not good manners to disagree with your President! Maryanne was a blank page to me until we talked about it! Now shush, or I reconsider that raise we were talking about! ;P

SailorLeia: AH! I giggled when I read you knew it! Way to make me happy by reading between the lines even before I name things! :D I suppose Usa-chan doesn't need the goodies anymore, now that she has Mamo! ;D I'm sending you a replica of Pluto's key so you can travel through time (you're allowed to! You're not gonna die!) meet whoever you wish too! Mamoru-san is leaving some chocolate prints on your cheek while baking Christmas cookies with you! ;D