the official story is over but there's one more little thing to upload in case you wanted to know how the Swanna Song tune went...

Well hi guys.

I'd apologize for how long it took to get something this short up, but I'm not sorry. Life has been rather busy for me and it's finally winter break. So I'll be updating pretty much all of my current stories too.

... Hopefully, anyway.

Uhm, I feel like I kind of failed this because I haven't had time to write in such a long time. :v Don't be afraid to tell me if it's full of suck, okay?

So anyway, enjoy and stuff.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon.

Hi

Dear Touko,

It has been one week since you passed, three days since you were buried after your funeral, and five hours since I have last visited your grave.

Anthea told me that if I wrote letters to you as if you were still here, it would help alleviate the pain. I suppose she was right, as I do feel a bit better writing to you like this. She also suggested I leave these in an envelope on your grave. Maybe you will be able to read them some day. Who can say for certain?

Though I had vowed to never set foot in that cursed room again, Looker came to the castle a few days ago to investigate the scene. Unfortunately, when he visited, he felt the need to bring me back to where it happened, saying it was necessary and standard, unavoidable protocol. By the time I was consciously aware of what was going on, I was on my knees on the ground, doubled over and screaming while I looked at hairs I had accidentally teared out during my moment of insanity. Both Anthea and Concordia had to come in and lift me off of the ground. I distinctly remember how violently my body was shaking. I also remember my face being a bit damp... I suppose I had shed a few tears during that episode as well.

During the funeral, I certainly found out where you got your... strong personality from. It seems your mother, and Touya as well, I might add, resent me for your death. They find it easier to place blame on me rather than attempting to move on from the tragic event. I suppose they have all reason to. In a way, it truly is my fault that this has happened.

Bianca has been visiting your grave everyday, holding one-sided conversation with your tombstone. That is to say, from what I can see, they are. Maybe you are really talking to her? I will not deny that the thought of you speaking to her makes me envious and irritated. But then I remember who is responsible for the loss of your life and I see that you have all reason to ignore me and hate me even. I will hope that what I think isn't so, though.

Cheren only came to the funeral and has not come to see you at all; I believe he is... emotionally compromised. All things cope differently; I can sympathize with him. I probably should have done this from the start. I can only maintain composure for so long when I visit your grave before I am screaming as I did when I was forced to revisit the room.

Your pokémon have been doing the same as Bianca. I cannot bring myself to stay and repeat their actions; the things that they say... to put it simply, out of most everyone that learned of your death, their reaction was the hardest to witness.

While we are approaching the subject of your companions, they hold no grudge against me, surprisingly. In fact, they are in the very office I am writing this in. The depression they feel is almost unbearable to be around, but I am sure my despair feels just the same for them. They do say "misery needs company," after all. I just did not expect for the saying to hold true.

Concordia would like me to tell you that, the very day my father discovered you were still alive, she, your mother, and Touya had made a plan to free you from this castle. Hearing the plans, it sounded more like a kidnapping than a rescue attempt. She did have the best intentions in mind though, so I can't blame her for wanting to take you away. The problem lies in the fact that she was attempting to take you away from me, which I would be more than adamant about preventing. But now that I think about it, you probably would have lived longer had it not been for my neediness of keeping you here with me. And for that, I apologize. Profusely.

Since we are on the topic of plans, I would like to say... I am breaking my promise. Staying in this castle brings me far too much pain to remain here. I walk the halls and I feel as though I can hear your voice calling after me. At night when I rest, I could swear I feel your touch, comforting me, alleviating me as you did every night.

And it's unbearable to know, to remember, that I will never truly experience those things from you again.

Once I am done writing this letter to you, I am leaving the Unova region for good, or for at least a long while. I have asked your pokémon whether they would like to stay or go and they all agree that they'd like to accompany me. They are still very loyal to you, declaring that they were here to stay when I offered to free them. They tell me I am the closest thing they have to being with you and that they are indebted to me for letting them stay in the atrium with all the other pokémon, glad that I had the mercy to keep my father from freeing them and leaving them under your ownership. I can see now why you loved them so and why you were so frantic when you believed I set them free. In hindsight, it would have been a very irrational, and dare I say stupid, choice to force such good friends apart from you. It's indescribable to say how wizened they are and it's more than safe for me to say that they are the only things keeping my sanity during this harsh time. Which is why I am so grateful they are accompanying me.

I'd also like to thank you for all you've done for me. You've helped me learn more about human nature. Not all humans are horrible people. Some of them are like you, who love and embrace their pokémon, who could not stand to be parted from their companions and vice versa. You've made me see that the mission my subjects and I were working so hard toward was wrong and unethical. Should I ever have another thought of separating a person from their pokémon, I will think of you and your friends that are with me, here to remind me that there truly are good people in the world. I thank you for again showing me that.

The guilt I feel for making this decision and breaking this promise to you is overbearing, to the point where I feel I may suffocate under it. I do hope you see the logic in my decision and you do not feel offended or blame yourself as I do for what I've caused. I can and possibly will apologize for this for an eternity and it still will not make up for what I've done. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

And who knows? Maybe on this journey of mine, I'll find you.

Because I know I'll see you again someday.

-N H.

Endnotes

Yes, I know this story ends rather sadly, but that was my intention from the start of this story.

Originally, I had planned to have N be the sickly one, but as I planned out the prologue in my notebook, I found that that scene worked out a hell of a lot better with Touko passing out than N. For both versions, I also intended to have Touko win. One of the reasons I wrote this fic in the first place was because I was tired of seeing Touko lose in a majority of the Ferriswheelshipping fics. It's good to have a bit of variety, no? At least I would think so. The girl should win sometimes too, you know.

And yes, I did also plan to have this story have very harsh mood whiplash. As you all saw, this story went from something light-hearted and funny to something heavy and dramatic. I enjoy progressing my stories from either light to heavy or vice versa. It adds depth to a story and I'm sure you all agree that it most definitely did that. As I thought about what I did with my story, the song this chapter is named after came to mind, Hi by Psapp. Specifically, these lyrics came to mind:

Hello
Get out the abacus and count this
A funny story with a dark twist
The target's so big that you can't miss
Me

I think it's safe to say that this story had a comparatively dark twist.

I'm very sorry for all the tears I have caused you to shed. I can't say that I wanted tears, but I did want there to be an emotional connection with Touko and the reader to give them that sense of loss. It's sharp feeling, but it's a beautiful feeling.

Death is a tragically beautiful thing. It doesn't matter how well a writer you are; to capture its true essence in words is impossible.

But I sure as hell can try my hardest.

Moving on, if you read the story carefully enough, you could notice some parallels and recurring motifs. In every chapter but Brick, the chapter started with Touko waking up to a new event. Also, there was a pattern to her coughing. It started out diminishing at first, before it slowly came back. I can't remember precisely the chapter, but she had an innocent little coughing fit, and the succeeding chapters after had ones that started to become more grave in condition until she was coughing up blood again as she had before.

The story kind of has bookends as well. Touko "dies" in the beginning and he rushes to her side, but he doesn't touch her then because their relationship isn't established. Whereas at the end, he's holding her in his arms as she dies, literally this time, her heart condition the cause of both incidents {the head injury inflicted by Ghetsis only sped up the process by putting her in a coma}. Both times, she is on the floor as well.

There was also a very subtle one that could be easily glossed over. I don't remember the chapter in which it was said, but N tells Touko that the Swanna Song was the very last thing he heard from his mother before she disappeared. Besides her little message to him at the end before she passes, Swanna Song is also the last thing he hears from her as well.

Aside from the motfis, I also made it so that it would seem like Touko's illness would be what would kill her to make Ghetsis' appearance seem like a bit of a surprise. I haven't really heard anything about how effective that was, but meh, I tried. I thought it would be something at least a little eyebrow raising, since he's not really seen much in the story. But he did say he would kill her to leave N in a ridiculous amount of emotional pain... and he succeeded quite well, as you can see.

I had a bit of a hard time deciding what to do with this epilogue, to be honest. My original plan was this letter, but then the anonymous user Nimaka suggested to have him meet Jirachi and make a wish to bring her back. I won't lie, though it would have been very cliché of me to do, it sounded like another great plot twist. Ultimately, I stuck with the letter, as you can see, since that would be in bad taste of me to do. But I'm definitely keeping that idea for some kind of ending for something someday. No idea where I'll use it, but it's just too good not to use. Even I have to be cliché sometimes, forgive me.

To close this off, I'd like to apologize for the lack of vivid imagery for this story. I focused mostly on the characters and their emotions, and it had been years since I had last written a fanfic, so this was pretty much my trial run. Also, because this story was released before that official information about N came out from Junichi Masuda, I plan to write another fic based on his proper personality typing, which should be fun. Hopefully you'll all like that one as well.

Well guys, it looks like this is where this journey ends. If there are any questions you have to ask, I'll be sure to answer them as best as I can. Thank you for all the feedback and support. Thank you for bearing with me when I took too long to update.

Thank you for reading Swanna Song.