Author's Note: I am terribly sorry for the length of time that has passed between chapters. It wasn't my intention to make you wait so long. I got hit with writer's block about halfway through the chapter and then life stuff kept getting in the way of continuing. And then, when I finally did complete the chapter, I found myself locked out of my fanfiction account because I couldn't remember the email or password I had used. After many, many attempts, I am back in now.
I sincerely apologize. And I hope that it doesn't deter any of you from continuing to read.
I have read all of your reviews for the last chapter, but unfortunately have not had a chance to reply to any of them directly. And, for that I am also sorry. I promise I will continue to do so in the future. But, even though I haven't responded, I appreciate you taking the time and effort to leave me a comment so very much. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I'd do without you.
And now, on to some Paily.
Chapter 14
The rest of dinner passed pleasantly, a mix of idle conversation and comfortable silences. They talked more about Paige's day and Emily's lunch with the girls, in between casting sidelong glances at each other, smiling and looking hastily away whenever they got caught. When they were finished eating, Paige cleaned up, loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and quickly wiping down the table, gently brushing aside all of Emily's offers to help. Once their dinner mess was tucked away, Emily settled on the couch in the living room while Paige headed upstairs. A couple of thuds and some banging around later she returned, clad more comfortably now in a pair of capri sweatpants and a tank top, two boxes balanced easily in her arms as she made her way down the stairs. If Emily had thought Paige looked good dressed for work, it was nothing compared to how she looked now, in a pair of low-slung pants that showed off her shapely calves and a form fitting tank top that hinted at the firm abs beneath them, and left little else about her body to the imagination. For one thing, it showed off the strong set of her shoulders, and the way the muscles in her arms tensed under the weight of the boxes. But that was the least intriguing part to Emily, who couldn't tear her eyes away from Paige's torso, and the fact that it was obvious she wasn't wearing a bra.
If Paige notice her staring, she didn't let on as she crossed the room and dropped the boxes onto the coffee table with a thud. She let out a soft groan and shook out her arms as she circled the table and took a seat next to Emily.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked, but Emily was already leaning forward to pull the top box towards herself. "Guess that answers that." She laughed lightly as Emily popped the top off and eagerly pulled out the first item, a baby's-first book. The cover was a light pink, with a cartoon stork carrying a little bundle in its beak. It was a bit dainty for Emily's tastes, and certainly incongruent with Paige, but that didn't stop her from cooing over it, which made blush and duck her head.
"My parents, well my mom especially, was pretty stoked to find out they were having a girl." She nodded towards the book in Emily's hands. "She went the whole nine yards, with the pretty, frilly dresses and….you'll see," she added with a laugh as Emily opened the cove and got her first glimpse of baby Paige, which was clearly taken in the hospital. She was loosely wrapped in a light pink blanket, one am and part of a foot sticking out, her baby bracelet visible on her ankle. Her eyes were open and clear.
"Aww, look at your hair." The shock of light blond hair was done up in a faux-hawk.
"My dad." Paige nodded towards the photo. "My mom was asleep when he had the nurse take the picture. Apparently when she woke up and saw it, she was pissed."
"I think it's cute."
Paige rolled her eyes as Emily scanned the rest of the photos on the page, the usual assortment of first baby photos, she gathered, based on her own albums from that age, and what she remembered from some of the other family photos she had seen. Several of Paige sleeping, a couple of her awake in her mother's (Emily assumed) arms, first bath, first feeding, sitting up, crawling, standing with the aid of a table, standing on her own. Through it all, Emily saw what Paige had meant about her mom going all out. Every photo featured baby Paige in something pink, frilly or lacy. There were several with some kind of bonnet.
The images were so far removed from the Paige she knew. Not just the age difference, but the clothes themselves. They just didn't fit in with the things Emily had seen her wearing. Even when she was done up for work she tended to stick with tailored pants over skirts or dresses, and the few Emily had seen her wear were much more demure. Simple black or navy, paired with a blouse. Nothing flashy. Feminine but not overtly so.
"You were such a cute baby," she said, turning the page. "You're cheeks though…." Chubby was an understatement. "I just want to…" she trailed off and mimed pinching them.
"Trust me, I know. It took years for me to lose that layer of baby fat. I still have traumatic memories of distant aunts and random strangers coming at me."
Emily laughed as Paige gave an exaggerated shudder. "Ahh. Poor girl." Unable to resist, Emily reached up and tweaked Paige's cheeks, which were much leaner than those in the pictures, but just as soft and smooth as she imagined them to be.
Growling, Paige slapped her hands away, but she was fighting a smile, Emily could tell by the way she pursed her lips, pushing the corners of her mouth down so they wouldn't turn up. Emily smirked to let Paige know she was being transparent and turned her attention back to the photo album. She flipped through the pictures slowly, watching Paige grow up before her very eyes. Emily bore witness to every questionable fashion trend, every embarrassing home done haircut, every awkward growth spurt and lost tooth, broken limb and momentous occasion.
She watched as slowly, young Paige shed that layer of baby-fat that had made her such an adorable infant, as well as some of the frillier dresses, her clothing slowly morphing into something more resembling her current style, sort of tomboy-chic.
Paige's face was beet red, but her smile was irrepressible and her laughter was genuine every time Emily teased her about a picture. And she readily indulged her every time she pointed to a picture and said, "tell me about this."
By the time Emily got to the end of the album, she felt like she had been there for every t-ball game and fishing trip and church picnic. It was certainly an insight into the woman Paige had become, each story a small piece of the patchwork that had made her who she was today.
She closed the album and tossed it onto the coffee table, then eagerly reached into the box for the next one. She pulled it out, but before she could settle it into her lap, Paige gently removed it from her hands.
"I thought you said you got rid of all the embarrassing stuff." She leaned around Paige to grab the book, but her fingers barely grazed it before it was pushed out of her reach.
"I did. There's nothing embarrassing," she said, setting the book on the cushion beside her, out of Emily's reach..
"Then why won't you let me look at it?"
"Because there's nothing interesting in it."
Her tone was too casual, her posture stiff and guarded despite her words and Emily's interest was immediately piqued.
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?"
"Em, come on. There's like, a million other albums to go through." Paige leaned forward and began rifling through the box. As soon as her attention was diverted, Emily reached around behind her and snagged the other album. She had it open before Paige even realized what she'd done.
"Hey." Paige tried to pull it off her lap, but Emily held tight.
"What is in here that's so bad you don't want me to see?" she asked, staring down at the collage of photos on the first page, all benign from what she could tell, a middle school grad portrait and a couple of blurry shots of a stage, what Emily presumed to her graduation ceremony.
"I mean, I've already seen chicken pox, that awful bowl haircut when you were five and the green food coloring incident."
"Like I said, there's nothing bad in there. It's just boring stuff." Paige gave the book another tug but Emily held firm, pulling it back and out of Paige's grip before turning away from her, shielding the book with her body as she hunched over it, rapidly flipping through the photos to find what it was that Paige was trying so hard to prevent her from seeing.
"Emily." Paige tugged at her shoulder, trying to turn her around and Emily swatted her away. "Em." The whine in her voice was almost enough to make Emily relent. Almost. And when she glanced over her shoulder and caught the wide eyed pout on her face it tugged further at her resolve. But her adamance wasn't as moving as Emily's curiosity. Offering up an apologetic smile, she turned her attention back to the photo album.
"Hey." She squirmed and elbowed Paige, who had reached around her, leaning against her back in an attempt to pull the book from her hands. They struggled for a moment, but Emily won out, moving the book just beyond Paige's reach. She ignored the tug on her shoulder as she flipped to the next page, and then all the fight went out of her as her own smiling image stared up at her. A soft sigh of surprise let her lips as she sagged back into Paige, who was still kneeling on the couch behind her. The hands which she had moment ago been grappling with now ran soothingly up and down her arms as Paige repositioned herself until she was leaning against the arm of the couch and cradling Emily against her.
Her vision blurred and then sharpened, her focus returning to the photo.
"Em."
She shook her head, waving off Paige's concern even as her emotions swirled and she struggled to understand her reaction. It wasn't like this was the first photo she had seen of herself and Paige in the house. And there was physical evidence of their relationship all over the walls. But, they were adults in all of those images. And Emily still wasn't entirely connected to that version of herself. When she looked at those pictures, it was a little bit like she was looking at someone else. Like she was staring at some woman she closely resembled, not herself. But this photo, the one staring up at her, for some reason this one hit home. Maybe it was because she looked to be about the same age that she felt, mentally. Though she didn't remember it being taken, so it had to be some time later.
The photo was of her and Paige, they were both dressed up, Emily in a dark blue dress with a plunging neckline and long, loose-flowing curls and Paige in a white shirt with a vest and tie, her hair done up in a complicated looking braid. They were sitting next to each other, leaning in and smiling at the camera. Paige had one arm around Emily's shoulder, her other hand linked with Emily's on the table in front of them. A blue and white corsage rested on Emily's wrist. They were clearly on a date. A school dance, if the out of focus crowd of people in suits and dresses gathered around a punch bowl beneath what looked like a basketball hoop was any indication.
"Emily…"
She heard Paige's voice, but the words she was saying were lost to the buzzing in her head as her gaze poured over the photo. She took in what they were wearing, her dress and her jewelry…and the corsage. Paige had gotten her a corsage. She had a fleeting image of Paige showing up at her house, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, one hand stuffed deep into her pants pocket, the other with a death grip on the little plastic corsage box as she presented it to Emily. Her expression a mixture of eager, excited and uncertain. Her fingers fumbling as she opened the box and pulled the corsage out, her touch trembling as she slid it over Emily's wrist. Emily's own heart thrumming in her chest, her emotions a confusing mix as she took in the beautiful girl dressed sharply in a suite smiling back at her.
How long had they been together at this point? Had Pam made a big fuss about them going to the dance together, taking photos and exclaiming tearfully over how grown up her little girl was? Or was she still resisting her daughter's sexuality? Was she holed up in another room somewhere, silently fuming that her daughter was going out with another girl?
"This was probably our first real, public date. We'd been together for a while, maybe a month." Paige's voice was low and soothing as it cut through the confusion in Emily's head. "This was the first time your mom let me into the house. Without your dad around to make her, at least. She was…reluctant. But, as she hovered by the stairs, watching me watch you walk down them…I think she was moved."
Emily leaned back into Paige and tilted her head, angling it to get a glimpse of her face as she spoke.
"What do you mean?"
Paige's cheeks tinted pink, and Emily couldn't help but grin a little.
"When you walked down the stairs in that dress, my jaw dropped. Literally." She huffed a laugh, her cheeks darkening. "You smirked at me, and told me wipe the drool." Paige mimed wiping her chin with a wry grin and Emily wasn't sure whether to laugh or apologize. "Which I did, like an idiot."
Emily did laugh at that. She could actually picture it.
"And then you told me I looked beautiful, and you took my hand and kissed my cheek."
Emily nodded, glad that she had complimented Paige that night, because she did look beautiful. And, that was just in the picture, which she was sure didn't do her justice.
"And, I guess for a moment we both forgot she was in the room. I gave you your corsage, and told you that you looked stunning, and how much I was looking forward to the dance and how glad I was that you were going with me." Paige's voice hitched, her words thick with emotion despite the smile on her face. "I think it was probably one of the best moments of my life, just then. After everything I had been through to get to the point where I wasn't only comfortable, but excited, to take you out on a date and everything we had been through, as a couple it was…just a really great night. I think we both cried a little."
"And then your mom stepped up and asked us to pose for some pictures. Y'know the cheesy school prom photos?"
Emily nodded even though she didn't actually know. The only school dances she remembered going to had been in middle school and she had never gone with a date.
"And I think that was the turning point for her. When she really started to put forth an effort and you guys started getting along better."
Emily nodded, her own throat thick with emotion and rendering her unable to speak. It sounded like a beautiful moment, and she was sad that she didn't remember it. But there was something about hearing it through the filter of Paige's experience that made it even more special.
"Tell me about that night," she said, shifting to settle more comfortably against Paige's chest.
"Well, we went out to dinner before the dance. This little French place off route six that's closed now."
"Awww." Emily felt a pang that she would never get to revisit the site of their first date.
"Oh, no. No aww. That place was horrible. I'd made the reservation online, because the place seemed fancy and sophisticated when I'd driven by. But it was a dive. The service was terrible and the food was…questionable. I ordered chicken but it didn't taste like any chicken I had ever eaten before. And you…" Paige trailed off with a laugh. "You had one semester of French under your belt and decided to try and impress me by not reading the English translations on the menu."
"Oh, no." Emily could tell where this was going by the sheer amusement in Paige's voice.
"Oh, yes. You ended up with cows tongue, or something equally disgusting. But, you didn't want to admit that you weren't as good at French as you'd claimed and you tried to eat it anyway."
"Oh, God." Emily gagged at the thought of it, her stomach rebelling dangerously.
"Uh-huh." Paige's hand slid beneath the hem of Emily's shirt and skimmed soothingly along her skin, the action calming the revolt almost instantly, but stirring up another sort of roiling instead.
"You spent probably half an hour in the bathroom throwing up. And every time I tried to come in and hold your hair back or bring you water you yelled at me to get out."
Emily's face flushed with embarrassment, both at what had happened and her behaviour.
"Which I wasn't entirely upset about. Because, puking makes me puke. And if you'd let me come in, then we both would have been throwing up. But, I was so afraid that you were going to break up with me then and there. It was the first time since we got together for real that we had gone out. It wasn't just a movie at my house, or sitting on your front porch talking. It was an honest to goodness date. And I was screwing it up."
"What, Paige no." Emily laid a hand over the one on her stomach, stilling her movements as she stroked her thumb over Paige's knuckles. "You didn't screw anything up."
"That's what you said that night too. After several glasses of water and a couple sticks of gum. You said the crummy restaurant wasn't my fault. And it was sweet that I'd put in so much effort. And if anything it was your own fault for being stubborn and ordering a dish you didn't recognize."
Emily narrowed her eyes and playfully turned her gaze on Paige. 'Did I really say that? That doesn't sound like something I would say."
Paige's eyes widened and she gulped before stammering out a reply.
"Hey, easy. I'm kidding. I'm kidding."
Paige growled and pinched her lightly. Emily squirmed and smacked her leg in response.
"Continue."
"Now, where was I. Oh yeah, you so graciously accepted part of the blame for our so far horrendous first date, and suggested we head to the dance. We got back in my car and headed back into town. We were almost to the school when your stomach started growling. Like, full on roaring. It sounded like you had a beast in there." Paige patted her stomach in emphasis.
"My stomach. Or yours?"
"Yours. Definitely yours." But, Paige's grin when Emily tilted her head to peer up at her gave her away. "Okay. Mine. But, you said you were hungry too. Neither one of us had much dinner. So, we stopped at McDonalds and got burgers, fries and milkshakes."
Emily laughed at the imagery, the two of them dressed to the nines and eating dinner in those uncomfortable plastic seats in the fast food restaurant.
"And, you fought me over who should pay for dinner. Although eventually you let me win." Paige sounded proud of that fact. Something which should not surprise Emily in the least. She knew how much Paige liked taking care of her. She could only imagine it had been the same back then.
"And how was dinner?" Emily teased, though she suspected she knew the answer. Despite it lacking the trappings of a fancy restaurant, she bet it was one of the best meals they'd ever shared, it being their first one out together on a real date.
"Good. It was really good." A soft smile played across Paige's lips as she recalled it. "After dinner, we headed to the dance. We were like half an hour late by that point, so everyone was already there. It felt a little bit like being in a fishbowl, walking in with your hand in mine. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating. And I swore up and down everyone was staring at us. I had a bit of a panic attack," Paige admitted ruefully. "I thought I was ready, that I didn't care about being out in public and then it actually came down to showing up somewhere with you and I couldn't handle it."
"But, clearly you did," Emily tried to sooth "I mean, look at this picture. We look so happy here."
Paige's gaze went to the photo in front of them. "Yeah. Yeah we do. We were." She cleared her throat and nodded. "You calmed me down. You pulled me back out into the hallway and asked me if I wanted to go. You told me that if I wasn't ready we could go back to your house and watch a movie. That it didn't change your feelings for me, or that we were together. But, I was tired of hanging out at one of our houses and I had been looking forward to going to the dance with you. So I said no, we were here and I wanted to stay. You asked me if I was sure. And I said I was."
Emily smiled at that, though her smile quickly turned into a frown. How was it she had managed to be so confide at sixteen, and so unsure of herself now? She had been waffling over her feelings surrounding Paige and her sexuality for weeks now, and she was no closer to resolving them now as she had been immediately after the accident. But her younger self, the self that she felt most connected to, hadn't suffered any of the same hesitancy or uncertainty. She had known she wanted Paige and she hadn't been afraid what anyone else thought about it. She had stood up to her own mother, had risked their relationship to be with Paige. She had walked proudly into the school gym with Paige's hand in her own with no regard to how her classmates might react.
Yet, she knew she wouldn't be able to do the same thing now, if it were requested of her. What was wrong with her?
"So, we walked back into the gym, hand in hand." Paige's voice pulled her from her musings. "And, despite my paranoia, I don't think anybody was looking at us. We hung out with your friends. We drank watered down punch. We laughed. We danced."
"Did we slow dance?" Emily asked that instead of what she really wanted, which was, did they kiss, at the dance, in front of their classmates.
Instead of answering, she turned the page of the photo album to a photo of them slow dancing. Paige's arms were around Emily's waist, her hands resting just a bit shy of respectfully on her lower back. Though Emily doubted she had minded at the time. Emily's arms were wound around Paige's neck and her head was resting on her shoulder. Her eyes were closed, but Paige's were open, and gazing lovingly down at her.
"Aria can be a little creepy with her camera sometimes," Paige said, clearly a little unsettled at having such an intimate moment captured on film. "But, I'm glad to have this photo. It was the last song of the night. And, when it was over, you thanked me for a perfect night. And kissed me."
Emily nodded. By all accounts, it did sound like a pretty perfect night. All mishaps aside. Or, maybe even because of them. She was sorry she didn't remember. Sorry she wasn't in a place to suggest recreating the moments (well, some of them anyway.) But, she was glad that Paige had these photos. And glad that she had gotten a recounting of this night.
She didn't know what to say, but Paige didn't seem to require her to say anything. She appeared content to just sit in silence. There were more photos to look at. They had only made it about halfway through the album, but Emily wasn't sure she could handle any more tonight. From Paige's reaction to the book earlier, Emily suspected that the rest of the photos were of them, from various moments in their relationship. And as curious as she was, she was still processing what she had learned tonight.
In a good way. At least she thought so.
"Thank you, for tonight," she whispered into the comfortable silence that had settled. "For everything. I know you say that it's nothing," she continued, speaking over Paige as she started to protest. "That it isn't really a choice, it's just what you want to do. But, there are couples who have broken up over way less. You sticking by me like this, it's….something special. You, Ms. McCullers, are something special."
Paige didn't say anything, though Emily heard her swallow hard and her grip tightened around Emily's waist. Clearly she was moved by the words. Emily only wished that she were able to say the ones that Paige really wanted to hear. That she loved her. That she was ready for a real relationship with her.
Once again she found herself wondering if she was doing the right thing. Was she making the right decision, in asking Paige to wait for her? In expecting Paige to ignore her feelings and put her life on hold until Emily was ready to reciprocate them? Something that there was no guarantee of happening?
Perhaps she was being selfish in wanting Paige to help her through her memory loss and adjusting to her adult life. Would the smarter, kinder course of action be to let Paige got, send her on her way?
Logic told her that it was, the pain in her chest at the mere thought of it told her that even if it was the right thing to do, she would never be able to say those words. Right or wrong, she needed Paige beside her.
The light kiss that Paige pressed to the top of her head that had Emily's eyes fluttering shut only compounded her confusion. Because she knew that Paige wouldn't have it any other way. She would take it as the ultimate betrayal if Emily tried to set her free of all this. Even though it shouldn't be, Emily found the thought comforting.
Emily was beat. And, if the way Paige's jaw was popping every couple minutes as she yawned, she was too. But, she wasn't inclined to move. She was comfortable, stretched out on the couch in Paige's arms and if Paige wasn't going to make her get up, she wasn't going to do so on her own accord. It seemed Paige shared a similar sentiment, as she reached for the remote and turned on the tv. She flipped channels for a few minutes before settling on something. Emily didn't even bother opening her eyes to see what it was. She didn't care. And she doubted Paige did either.
In the back of her mind she acknowledged that switching on the television was just a safeguard against awkwardness in the morning when they woke up, curled together on the couch. They would be able to fall back on the excuse that they had fallen asleep while watching a movie rather than face the reality that they both desired to fall asleep in each other's arms, but Emily just wasn't ready to deal with that. It was sad, in a way, that they had to resort to such subterfuge, but Emily was grateful that Paige was willing to play along. She burrowed in against Paige's chest and let herself drift off to the gentle rasp of Paige's breathing and the security of arms wrapped snugly around her waist.