Child Of Darkness

(A/N: At this point in time Mathieu is somewhere around 16, or possibly 18. In Oblivion he couldn't have been very old at the time of his death. Lucien was an adult when he killed Mathieu's mother, and Mathieu was probably still a toddler at the time. Seeing as Lucien certainly wasn't beyond his thirties in Oblivion, Mathieu couldn't have been much older than 16 or 18 by the end of the Dark Brotherhood quest line. There will be another chapter posted today as well.)

Confusion

Entry 4: I hate it! All this lying, all this pretending! Sithis and the Five Tenets be damned! How long do I have to live by their rules? How long before I get my chance? I saw Lucien Lachance yesterday. He was in the Sanctuary talking with Ocheeva. He was right there! So close I could have severed his spine in less than a heartbeat! Oh mother, never before have I had to exercise such self-control. What's sickeningly ironic is that it was the Dark Brotherhood's discipline that allowed me to restrain myself. I've been a part of their "family" for so long it's a part of me, whether I like it or not. And in all that time I've fooled them all. They see me as a fellow member of the Brotherhood, a trusted family member. Someday soon I will learn the truth about the night Mother, and when I do, I will use that trust to get close to her. Close enough so that I may rend the head from her body, just as Lucien Lachance did to you so long ago!

ES

Years passed. The child had now become a teenager. He was studious, inquisitive, resourceful, intelligent, skilled beyond belief… and all the darker. Rebellion was becoming more pronounced now, but he was level headed and calm. He didn't lose his temper often, but when he did it was bad. Enough so that the others avoided him like the plague or hid themselves. He was sparring with Vicente at the moment. With a few swift moves and deft cuts he put his opponent down with ease. The vampire was awed.

"By Sithis. Mathieu, you have exceeded all expectations," Vicente praised the youth. Mathieu smirked, only half in the fight. His mind was elsewhere, at the moment. "You have defeated even Ungolim in our scraps. Is there anyone in all the sanctuaries that you have not conquered?"

"You know the answer, Vicente," Mathieu replied. There was one; and he was the one he would have given anything to beat. "Lucien remains the master. I am lucky to get in two hits let alone the five required to win."

Vicente smiled affectionately at the young man. He had grown to be a beautiful youth. Quiet, mostly respectful, yet so very mysterious. He kept to himself. Bellamont preferred his books and writing to almost anything else. Except, for some reason, visiting Anvil Lighthouse on a regular basis and at all hours of the night. The Lighthouse Keeper was like a grandfather to him, in a way. He assumed that was why. When the boy got rebellious, the Lighthouse was where he went to cool down. It had put Lucien on edge the first few times the boy had left without a trace, but after some time they'd all gotten used to his comings and goings. He was rather unpredictable, really.

"Come child, Lucien Lachance will be here today. We'd better clean ourselves up," Vicente said. Mathieu smiled, eyes lighting excitedly as they often did when Lucien was coming. Of course, over time they'd become less excited, more cold. Again, easily explained away Vicente reasoned. All teenagers went through a rebellious stage; and seeing as Lucien had raised the boy from early childhood on, he was the butt end of it. There wasn't much peace for long when Lucien came to visit. For a time it would all be well and dandy, but then the explosion would come. More and more often the two were arguing. It slightly worried Vicente how strained the relationship between the two was becoming. Lucien disliked arguing with the boy, but his friend was stubborn. He always came out of the room they'd been fighting in looking exasperated and furious, sometimes hopeless and annoyed. The boy always left looking ready to murder someone, and there was no doubt on Vicente's mind that that someone was Lucien. Vicente shook his head. They usually made up, somehow, but still.

ES

Mathieu stood in the basement of Anvil Lighthouse gazing blankly at the head upon the shrine. When had he built this shrine to his mother again? He couldn't remember. He shivered. What had possessed him to build it? Why was he here now? He nearly scoffed. He knew why, but to accept it… the thought frightened him more than anything, and so he would fight it. Madness… he felt it coming upon him. Madness and insanity, and somehow he knew it had been brewing since that fateful night when… He felt tears in his eyes and closed them tightly. He knelt before the shrine and said, "Mother, I'm afraid…"

"Child, what frightens you?" her voice asked back; but was she really speaking, or was it just his own head playing tricks? He didn't know anymore. In childhood it had been real, but now… now he knew it was impossible. He knew it. Then again, his logic was beginning to fade, he realized. His thoughts were descending into darkness. He tried to fight it. He whimpered. He didn't like the darkness, he didn't! He couldn't fight the darkness, he couldn't reason with the darkness.

"Mommy, mommy, make it stop," he begged, and his voice cracked like a… like a child's.

"My darling, there is nothing to stop," she replied.

"Yes there is! There is! I don't want the darkness, I don't! I want to be normal again. I don't want to be insane, please mommy, please, don't let me go insane," he pled desperately, sobbing now. He wasn't aware it was already too late. The darkness had already taken him.

From the doorway the old man of the Lighthouse watched gravely. He'd watched for years as the boy sank deeper and deeper into the abyss that was his mind. He'd tried to save the child. He'd tried so hard. He'd prayed to every deity he knew of, even to the daedra whom he despised… Nothing… He shivered. The immortals had long ago turned their backs on the youth, and the old man knew… His fate was sealed, and no matter how hard he fought it, Mathieu would never win. He knew he should tell Lucien. He needed to tell Lucien, to warn him, because he heard the boy's ramblings, the treacherous thoughts and the arguments he had with the dead woman's head. But he didn't want Mathieu to be hurt, or killed… He'd tried to get the boy help, but no one would have anything to do with him. So the old man watched helplessly. Yes… he would tell Lucien. He had to. This… this was too big to hide anymore, though it pained him. The problem now was finding some way to contact the man.

ES

Mathieu rode on a horse up to the abandoned house. He slipped off and went inside quickly. Lucien would be there soon. He might already be there. Oh gods, he felt so tired, so drained. What had happened again? Oh yes… Mommy had talked to him. Mommy told him what she wanted him to do, and he felt anger building up, unbridled hatred. She had told him again of how Lucien had killed her. In graphic detail he'd been forced to watch it over and over and over until he was screaming and the Lighthouse Man was shaking him desperately. The old man had slapped him and Mathieu had nearly lost it on him, but then he stopped… The darkness was gone and he could think again. All he felt was hatred and anger, though. He scowled on hearing Lucien's voice. Strange. Before he went to the lighthouse he'd been excited to see Lucien again. Oh well. Time to go meet him.

ES

Mathieu gazed at the man's turned back. Inside he quaked with fury, hatred, and desperation. In fact, he was quaking outside as well, fingers longing to grab out a sword or dagger. The darkness was back. It was back and louder than he'd heard it for a long time. Oh how much longer did he have to wait, to suffer? With one move he could sever Lucien's spine. It would be so, so easy. Oh his hand ached to take out the blade. Soon mother soon. Don't worry mommy. I'll avenge you, I will. Then you'll love me again, won't you? It was taking all his restraint to keep back from killing, all the discipline and training this hateful faction had instilled in him, to keep from attacking. Oh to see the man's blood on the ground, spilled by his dagger's deft cut…

He started out of the daze, though, and looked suddenly miserable and sick. His dagger… The dagger that Lucien had once given him so long ago. It was a present… Lucien gave it to him because he'd loved him once upon a time. Mathieu looked miserably down and held his stomach. Gods, he felt so ill. Why didn't Lucien love him anymore? No, no, he was sounding like a child again. He wouldn't fall into that mindset. Not now. Lucien still loved him, he knew this. And it would make it all the easier…. No! No he didn't want to! He didn't want it to be easy. Oh immortals, he wanted to die… "Mathieu, are you all right?" Ocheeva asked.

Mathieu looked forlornly up. "I-I don't feel well," he answered.

Concern came to Lucien's eyes and Mathieu swallowed dryly. This man had raised him, had loved him, still loved him… So why did everything inside of him scream to kill Lachance? He didn't want to. He didn't want to… Lucien's hand was gently on his forehead. Oh gods, he wanted to die. He wanted to die because Lucien had made him love him, but what the man had done to his mother… No, no, no love. No more love. Oh why couldn't he hate him? Why, why, why? No, he did hate him. He did… he did… This wasn't his father… This wasn't his father…He felt tears in his eyes and Lucien's concern grew.

"You're feverish, my son. You need to lie down," Lucien gently said. Mathieu weakly nodded. Lucien pulled him close and gave him a brief hug, and Mathieu was no longer certain if he hated himself more, or Lucien. He wanted to sob, but he wouldn't. Not this time. Mathieu forced a smile and walked quickly away. He didn't want Lucien to die… He didn't want Lucien to die… But his mother… His mother was begging him, pleading with him. Avenge me my child, avenge me. No… no, I am not your child. Not anymore. He is my father and you… you are gone. Do you despise me so, my son? No! No mommy, no, I don't hate you I don't! But I don't… I don't want to. Kill him, kill him, kill him. Mathieu sobbed and slammed the door to his room, sinking down against the wall. He tried to occupy his mind elsewhere. He'd heard something about a new assassin coming into the Brotherhood soon. Another poor misguided soul. He scoffed then rose and went to his bed, lying down.

ES

Lucien entered after a time, and silently he went towards the bed. Mathieu pretended to be asleep. He couldn't deal with it now. Lucien sat on the bedside and gently brushed some bangs off of the boy's forehead. He felt it again and pursed his lips. If anything the boy had gotten warmer. "Mathieu, wake up," he prompted. Mathieu groaned in protest. Lucien smirked. "Come now, child. I have some medicine for you."

Mathieu opened an eye and answered, "I hate medicine."

Lucien chuckled and replied, "It has no taste this time, I promise. And it won't burn either." Mathieu grimaced, but he felt like throwing up. Lucien had never broken a promise to him, right? Moaning he took the vial, drank from it, and sighed, laying back down. "You've heard another member will be coming to join our family?" Lucien asked.

"Yes father," Mathieu replied.

"I want you to show her how things are done," Lucien said.

"Her?" Mathieu asked, suddenly interested.

Lucien smirked, saying, "She's a young woman, around your age. I think you'll like her."

"What's her name dad?" Mathieu wondered.

"Maria," Lucien replied. He ruffled Mathieu's hair then kissed his head lightly. With that he rose and left. Mathieu blinked. Well, this could help him bide the time.