Dissident: Chapter 14
"Well if it isn't the little rockstar." Arthur beamed through the open doorway.
Ashley grimaced at the greeting. "Hardly, Mr. C."
Emilee squeezed through her grandpa's legs and barrelled down the walkway to her mommy Spencer. "Mommy! Me and grandpa made chocolate chocolate-chip cookies with marshmallows, m&ms and liquor!"
Spencer effortless picked her daughter up and raised a curious eyebrow at her father.
"Licorice." He said matter-of-factly before moving to the side to let the three girls inside.
"Want to try one?!" Emilee squirmed until her mother set her down. She ran toward the kitchen before Spencer could answer, narrowly avoiding a head on collision with her grandma as she raced around the corner.
Paula approached her daughter and gave her a quick hug. "How was your weekend, honey?"
Spencer sideways glanced at Ashley who had inconspicuously taken a seat on the entryway bench. "Interesting..."
The weekend had been fairly uneventful. They spent the entire time in their new 'suite'. They didn't talk much about what was going to happen with Ashley's sudden music revelation. It was mostly just them watching TV, movies, eating, loving... As if they knew it was the calm before the storm and should make the best of it.
"C'mon!" Arthur interrupted, sensing the tension in the air. "Lets go try my apprentice's cookies." He placed his hands on Spencer's shoulders and massaged as he guided her toward the kitchen.
Unconsciously tapping her feet, Ashley stared up at Paula, waiting for her to follow. The older women didn't make an effort to leave, so Ashley just smiled at her uncomfortably. It had been a long time since the brunette had been in the same room as Spencer's mom.
"Ashley..." Paula sighed and sat in the empty space next to her daughter's girlfriend. After what seemed like an eternity of internal deliberation, she finally situated herself to face the selfish girl. "It's clear that my daughter doesn't make you happy."
Ashley raised her finger between the two them. "And on that note!" She went to stand but she felt a hand grab hers and tug her back down. Annoyed, she turned to the nasty woman. "What, Paula?"
"What's going on?"
Ashley figured either the woman had heard her song on the radio or someone had told her. But she couldn't answer the question. Her and Spencer hadn't decided on a plan of action yet, so she played stupid. "What do you mean?"
"You're not going to tell me why I haven't been able to turn on the radio without hearing your voice all weekend?"
The musician pretended to think of an answer before saying... "Nope."
Paula stood. "How many times do you have to break her heart?" It was a rhetorical question that she didn't expect an answer to, so she walked away, leaving Ashley to stew on it for awhile.
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"Thanks for watching Em this weekend." Spencer stood with her back against the kitchen sink. She had been pretending to eat her daughter's cookie and then sneakily discarding the uneaten chunks behind her.
Arthur placed a quick kiss to the side of her head. "No problem, sweetie. You know we love having her here." He opened the fridge and pulled out a half empty container of milk.
"So..." Spencer finished tossing the last bite of her cookie and patted her hands clean. "You heard Ashley's song?" She knew her dad wanted to broach the subject but would never do that until she was ready.
He reached into the cupboard, grabbed two glasses, and set them on the counter top. "Who hasn't?" He poured some milk then sat the carton down. "is this what you want?"
"I'd rather have a Diet Coke." Spencer knew he was referring to her situation with Ashley, but she didn't want to answer him truthfully.
Arthur smiled knowingly and handed her the glass of milk. "Do what makes you happy, Spence." He finished pouring the drinks and placed one in front of Emilee who had been sitting at the kitchen bar coloring.
"The problem is... Ashley is what makes me happy. So maybe I could be happy with her being a famous musician." She hopefully spoke the second sentence.
"And if your not?" Arthur didn't expect his daughter to answer the question, so he walked away, leaving Spencer to stew on it for awhile.
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Ashley and Spencer drove in silence as Emilee lightly snored in the backseat. The weekend had been an emotional one that resulted in no answers. Tired of hearing only her thoughts, the musician turned on the radio. It was a bad idea because the car filled with her music. She quickly shut it off and sympathetically glanced at her girlfriend. As if an apology was needed. She internally cursed Angel. Everything was going so well before she offered her the record deal. She rolled her eyes thinking that her mystical guardian must have the best marketing skills ever. She never even got this much radio play in her other life.
"You don't have to do that." Spencer spoke softly.
Ashley turned on the left blinker and changed lanes. "Do what?"
"Pretend like that doesn't exist." The blonde pointed at the radio.
"Spencer..." Ashley glanced in the rear view mirror to check on Emilee. Still sleeping soundly. "What do you want me to do about this?"
"I want you to do what you want to do, Ash." She gazed out the window at the white lines speeding by her in a hypnotic blur.
This wasn't the place to have this conversation. But Ashley was beginning to realize that when you are an almost-wife, have a kid, jobs, etc... you really aren't privileged with choosing the perfect settings for these types of things. "You're right."
Spencer looked at her questioningly.
"We've been here. Done this." Ashley glanced across traffic to change lanes again. "You've always been like this."
The blonde tried not to get defensive. Ashley's words were sounding awfully accusatory right then. "Like what?"
"All of those years ago. All you had to do was say 'No, Ashley. Don't do Letterman. Don't go on tour.' But you didn't. You were always so supportive. Saying that whatever made me happy made you happy. But you know what?" Ashley knew she shouldn't say this. "That wasn't true, was it? Because you left."
"I almost left." Spencer hissed in a hushed tone. Correcting her.
Ashley shook her head. She was arguing with Spencer as if she were her other self. She was extremely frustrated. "And now you're doing it again."
"What am I doing?" The blonde asked, wondering exactly where this was leading.
"You don't want me to pursue this. My music. But you are telling me to do it if I want to. If it makes me happy."
"Will it?" Thoughts of her dad asking her a similar questions this afternoon plagued her.
Ashley sighed. "Not if it means that you're going to end up leaving me again."
Spencer matched her girlfriend's frustration. "Stop saying that! I never LEFT you!"
Ashley quickly pulled over and came to a screeching stop. She hastily unlatched her seat belt, slammed open the car door, and stormed off walking in the direction of their house. She just couldn't deal with anything right then. It was all coming back to her. The feeling of Spencer leaving her. Going into that dressing room to find it empty. Only some personal belongings and a letter from the love of her life saying that it was the end for them. She wanted to yell at her girlfriend; she was so angry. She had never had the opportunity to say how much she was hurt. But this Spencer didn't deserve it. So she had to step away from the situation. Calm down.
But Spencer had other ideas. "Ashley! Get in the car."
Ashley crossed her arms and ignored the blonde creeping along beside her.
"Stop being stubborn and get in."
"Just go home." The musician gave in. But only because she thought it was dangerous for Spencer to be driving about 3 miles an hour on the freeway.
Ashley watched as Spencer increased her speed and flew past her. Then was surprised when she saw the car pull off to the side of the road about 100 feet ahead underneath a street lamp. The blonde exited the car and started walking heatedly towards her. She almost chuckled because Spencer kind of always did this odd hunched stomping thing when she was mad. But just as they met half way, a car drove by, and the headlights illuminated her girlfriend's watery enraged eyes, her face fell.
"Listen to me, Ashley Davies." Spencer poked at her girlfriends chest, causing the brunette to step backward. "You want to do this now? Then let's do this now!"
Ashley wouldn't dare speak. Her heart was breaking at the quivering she heard in Spencer's voice.
"You have no right to accuse me of anything going wrong in our relationship! Nothing." She took a deep breath and looked Ashley in the eyes. "You're like a different person now." Spencer started walking around and speaking as if to herself. "You told me you kissed other women. Tried to tell me you didn't feel like a mother. You smoked weed. You left us to go stay with Kyla. You started spending money we don't have. And now you suddenly want to become a musician again?"
Spencer stopped and looked to Ashley expecting some kind of response. Ashley just stood their motionless. Watching her.
"I have always been a good girlfriend to you. I have always supported you. What makes you think that I would do anything differently than I did back then? Huh?!"
Ashley's lump in her throat prevented her from speaking. She figured Spencer would continue anyway.
Spencer began to pace again. "How quickly you forget. Well let me remind you. Back then? I supported you because I didn't want you to have any regrets. I didn't want to be the girlfriend that made you give up on what you wanted. But guess what? It ended up that you didn't want any of it. You would call me and tell me time and time again how much you needed to get away from it all. Be with me. Start a family with me..." Spencer stopped directly in front of Ashley but didn't look at her. She whispered, "You promised me you would quit. And you did."
Ashley had a sudden flashback of the conversation with Spencer after she was interviewed in her apartment. The sarcastic way the journalist had asked 'You promise?' made sense to her now. She stepped forward in an attempt to hold her, but Spencer held a hand up stopping her progress.
"And I'm supporting you now. This is your dream, Ashley. Not mine." Spencer looked up piercingly into Ashley's eyes. "My dreams were answered the day you stopped touring."
Ashley swallowed.
"I just thought your dreams had been answered too."
Spencer's hand was still placed firmly on Ashley's chest. There was several minutes of silence between them before Ashley covered Spencer's hand with her own and held it tightly against her. "They were." Is all she could say.
The blonde nodded. "I won't be making this decision for you. I didn't then. And I won't now."
"OK." Ashley responded softly.
Spencer looked at her with skepticism. "OK?"
"I already made it, Spence."
The blonde's eyes showed some surprise and confusion.
"I guess I made it a long time ago." Oh how Ashley wished she would have never broken that promise. That she would have actually made the right decision back then. And stopping touring was the right one, she was sure of that now. She HAD forgotten. She was miserable without Spencer when she was touring. She DID call her all the time and say she was going to quit. Why didn't she? "Spencer... " Ashley pulled her girlfriend's hands around her back and let go to do the same with her own. "I'm sorry that I forgot." She apologized for her other self and the seven years that she forced Spencer out of her mind to protect herself from the pain.
But all Spencer knew was that she was apologizing for the past month that she had been acting like a pod person. "It's OK."
Ashley lightly kissed Spencer on the lips, then turned her around to walk toward the car. "I'm probably going to get sued."
Spencer shrugged. "Let them. We don't have anything anyway."
Ashley laughed lightly and entwined their fingers. She had Spencer.
She had everything.
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Spencer sat in Ashley's lap in the living room. They had put Emilee to bed hours earlier and were enjoying some much needed intimacy. It was mostly googily eyes, giggles, sweet kisses, and an occasional dirty joke. But mostly PG-13 rated fun.
"I want to show you something." Spencer stood up and left the room for a few moments before returning with what appeared to be a large scrap book. She handed it to her girlfriend before settling down on the couch next to her. Opening to the first page, she pointed at a clipping. "That was the first article published about you."
"What is this?" Ashley started to turn the pages. All covered with magazine photos, newspaper clippings, ticket stubs, etc.
"It's just something I used to do. You were always away... and I guess doing this just helped me feel closer to you. Like you were still here." Ashley had flipped to a page that had the rest of the photo booth pictures from that day Spencer had paid her a surprise visit. Her finger traced the edges of all the fairly provocative poses. She thought to herself that it was a good thing that the camera wasn't tilted any lower.
"I never knew." Ashley turned to the last page. It was an article about the last show she played in San Francisco. Spencer had drawn a huge smiley face in light green marker. "Wow."
"I know. Stalker, right?" Spencer joked playfully as she closed the book and tossed it on the coffee table.
Ashley smiled and leaned her forehead against Spencer's. "Why are you showing me this now?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "I guess I was just carrying that with me for so long. I had always felt guilty. Like I might have been holding you back. A part of me thought that If I showed it to you, you might get the urge to try again. But look! You did anyway, so it was pointless." Spencer grinned lovingly at her beautiful girlfriend.
"The only thing I felt when looking at that is sadness." Ashley ran her fingers through Spencer's hair and lightly made a fist, pulling their foreheads impossibly closer. "Sad that I wasted so much time."
Spencer kissed each of Ashley's eyelids as they closed and whispered. "Lets go to bed." She stood up and held out her hands to help Ashley.
The brunette allowed herself to be pulled up.
Spencer suddenly turned around and clapped her hands together. "Oh shoot! We forgot to take the trash out." She looked at the clock on their DVD player. It was already 3am and they had to work in the morning.
"You go. I'll get it." She gave her one last peck on the lips then playfully patted her ass in the direction of their room.
Ashley walked to the kitchen, opened the cupboard below the sink, took the plastic bag out of the trash can and tied the ends in a knot. She opened the door to the garage and turned on the light. Cookie looked up groggily from his doggy bed, annoyed with the intrusion. "I know buddy. I'm sorry." Cookie laid his head back down with a whimper. She placed the bag in the large green garbage and wheeled it over to the garage door. She twisted the metal lever on the door, raising it slowly as to not make much sound. Never once internally criticizing that they didn't own an electric opener.
"Ooomph!" Ashley quickly brought her hand to her face where it felt like she had just been slapped. She looked down in confusion where a newspaper was laying on the ground. She picked it up and squinted in pain toward the street. She heard the sound of a bike bell before recognition set in. She dropped the newspaper. But it felt an awful lot like her heart had dropped too.
It was Angel.
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Ashley grabbed a hold of the garbage can and slowly pushed it down the driveway, never taking her eyes off of her assailant.
"Look at you... all domesticated." Angel quipped.
Ashley set the garbage can at the curb. "Look at you... all in another profession. Paper route?" She raised an eyebrow.
Angel shrugged. "Keeps me honest."
The brunette nodded and then awkwardly looked around the neighborhood. She had a bad feeling about this.
"Thanks for not disappointing me."
Ashley turned back to look at the woman who had changed her life. She shrugged. "I wouldn't be so sure of that." Placing her hands in her pocket, she hesitantly admitted, "I was going to call you tomorrow to tell you that I can't do the music thing anymore."
Angel stepped off of her bike and pushed the kickstand down with her foot. "I know."
Surprised, Ashley asked "How?"
"An Angel sees all and hears all." The woman said sickeningly bubbly.
That statement would have been disturbing to Ashley had her mind not been racing with a million different reasons why Angel was there. All thoughts circling back to the obvious one that she did not want to be facing at that moment. Or any moment, really. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. Play stupid. "So... I just wanted to say 'thank you'. For bringing me here."
"You're welcome, Ashley." Angel smiled brightly at the comment.
"I mean...It means a lot to me that you could bring me back to Spencer. Show me that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by continuing my music career." Ashley started to walk backward toward the house.
Angel didn't move. "I'm glad I was able to help you realize."
"I'm really happy with my new life. Everything is right now. It was all so wrong before. So uh... goodnight!" She gave a cute wave. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime." Ashley turned around and quickly started to walk back to the garage.
"You have to go back now, Ashley."
She paused, lightly swaying as a result of the dizziness she felt suddenly. If Ashley's heart had dropped before. Angel had just stepped on it and smashed it into the ground. "What?"
Her Angel approached her from behind and placed a hand on her shoulder to steady her. "You were never meant to stay."
Ashley spun around in rage. "Fuck you!" She pointed into her angel's face. "Fuck YOU for giving me this amazing life and making me fall in love again. Only to take it away?! I would have been better off! I had forgotten her, Angel! I was fine!" Ashley broke down and fell to her knees sobbing. She hadn't cried like this since the day Spencer left her. "I was fine..." She barely repeated through hiccups.
"Were you really?" Angel had teared up too. She hated this part. But it was the way it had to be.
The brunette wasn't able to answer her. It was like she was dead. Her mind totally blank. It felt so similar to how she was able to force all of the memories out before. How she was able to forget. "How much time?"
"Tonight."
"It's 3 in the morning. Tonight now or tonight later?"
Angel looked down at her with empathy. "Now."
Ashley stood up, took a deep breath, and wiped the moisture from her face with her forearm. "Then I better not waste any of more of it."
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Ashley slowly opened the bedroom door and slipped into the small bed. "Hey..." She whispered while nudging the tiny form in front of her.
Emilee's eyes fluttered a bit.
"Emilee... hey." She nudged the little girl a little bit harder.
Mini-Spencer opened her eyes fully, but was clearly still dazed from sleep.
"I have to go now." Ashley placed her palm on the girl's cheek. "I wanted to say goodbye."
The girl suddenly became alert. "Is your spaceship here?"
Ashley laughed lightly. "I guess you could say that."
The two friends just looked at each other for awhile before Emilee whispered. "Will I see you again?"
"I don't know." Ashley smiled. "But I hope so."
"Is my mommy coming back?"
Ashley didn't know how to respond. She wasn't sure if this alternate universe actually co-existed with hers. But she figured if it did, then her other self would be back as well. "Probably." She suddenly visions of her other self living HER life for the past month. The thought amused her.
"Who will I play Nintendo with?"
Ashley grinned. "Teach Spencer. You'll probably beat her every time." After a few moments, she got out of bed, leaned down, and gave Emilee a kiss on her forehead. "Be good." She walked out and left the door open just a little bit. Exactly how the little girl liked it.
"Love you." Emilee sleepily mumbled.
Biting her lip to keep from crying again she opened the door a little wider to stick her head through. "Love you too."
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She leaned against the wall just next to their bedroom. She wanted to go in. She needed to go in. Every hesitant second spent there was a second she was missing with Spencer. Still, she couldn't bring herself to walk in there for the last time. To see her gorgeous girlfriend one final time. To say goodbye. Maybe it would be better for her if she just slept on the couch and woke up in her other life. She didn't think she was strong enough to go through the pain. But was it possible to hurt any more than she was already?
Spencer walked out the door just then and jumped in shock when she saw Ashley. Holding her hand to her heart she laughed. "Oh my god, you scared me! What are you doing?"
Ashley stepped away from the wall and looked down. She couldn't bare to look at Spencer. "Nothing. Just thinking."
"C'mon. Get in here." Spencer grabbed Ashley's hand and led her in the room. She hopped in bed and pulled the covers up. She looked up and noticed that her girlfriend was standing at the foot of the bed. "Ash?"
The brunette wouldn't make eye contact. Instead, she reached out and started fiddling with a loose stitch on their comforter. She was trying so hard to become blank again. To drive the feelings away. Build the wall. But it wasn't working. Her heart was aching and her skin was cold. She was so scared. Losing Spencer again was imminent. There wasn't a single thing she could do to stop the inevitable. She wanted to run away. She wanted to stay. She wanted to kiss Spencer. She didn't want to look at Spencer. She wanted to make love to her. She wanted to get out of that room. She was a mess of conflicting emotion. And she couldn't stop any of it. "I'm OK." She finally spoke. Mostly trying to convince herself. It was so soft that it was amazing that Spencer even heard her. But not surprising, as Spencer had always been incredibly tuned into her.
"I didn't ask if you were." Spencer was worried as their was something clearly bothering her girlfriend. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Just thinking."
"You already said that." Spencer threw off the covers and walked on her knees to the brunette. "Look at me." When Ashley made no attempt at movement, she gently lifted her girlfriend's head and waited patiently for Ashley's eyes to find hers. "Why are you scared?"
And that was exactly why Ashley didn't want Spencer to see her. Because she had always had that unbelievable knack of reading her. But she didn't tear her eyes away, because she was certain she never wanted to see anything else. "I don't want to lose you."
Spencer didn't understand where the insecurity was coming from. "You're not going to."
"You promise?"
Her girlfriend nodded.
Ashley had never felt so vulnerable. "Say it. I need to hear you say it"
"I promise. You will never lose me."
Ashley leaned forward, causing Spencer to arch back an equal distance. She placed one knee on the bed and then the other. She guided her girlfriend backwards, never breaking eye contact, until the blonde was positioned on her back while she hovered over her. "I love you, Spencer Carlin."
The intensity in which Ashley was gazing down on her was overwhelming. Spencer could hardly breathe. "I love you too, Ashley Davies."
"Spencer?" A tear formed in Ashley's eye, travelled a path from cheek to chin, and slowly dropped to Spencer's lip. "I'm going to make you happy."
"I have no doubt."
Ashley lowered herself until their bodies met and captured Spencer's lips in a desperately sincere and passionate kiss. They both could taste her salty emotion and it made the moment that more genuine and pure. She didn't try to stay awake that night. She got completely lost in their final love making. Only thinking about Spencer in the now. Not in the past for future. Not in this life or that life. Just how much she loved her right then. And how much Spencer loved her back.