A/N – Thank you for all the kind reviews yet again! They are so helpful and warming to read, they really are lovely. It makes my day reading each one.
Another update.
Enjoy!
After Adam had finished his paid for meal at the Woolpack with Jackson, he thanked him and made his way over to the garage. He was going to find exactly what was wrong with his best mate. He hadn't seen much of him lately, and the mood he'd been in when he'd stormed past him in the pub didn't help Adam's concern for him. Neither did Jackson telling him that the young mechanic did have a lot on his mind. When Aaron had a lot on his mind, he usually did have lot. He didn't do things by half.
"You alright mate?" Adam called over to him as he approached the car Aaron currently had his legs sticking out from underneath the engine.
Aaron carried on working. He knew Jackson must have said something to Adam. "Sound, you?" Aaron answered.
"Yeah, yeah I'm great." Adam said leaning against the car. "Everything alright? Haven't seen you in a while."
"Yeah well, I've been busy." Aaron told him, pulling himself out from underneath the car.
"Too busy to see you mate." Adam laughed before turning serious. "Aaron mate, you know you can tell me. Whatever's going on, you can tell me."
Aaron gave him a look before pushing himself back underneath the car.
Adam groaned. It was gonna be harder than he thought getting Aaron to talk.
"Are you done? It's just I've got a lot on today mate." Aaron told him as he clanked around the engine.
"Aaron, just know that you can talk to me right?" Adam said finally pushing himself off of the car.
"Whatever." Adam heard Aaron say as he walked away.
When Aaron finished off at the garage he headed straight home. He was tired. He'd thrown himself at some many jobs that day he'd worn himself out. Cain and Ryan had both told him to slow down. But he just wanted to draw his attention away from the charges he was pressing against Darrel. He wanted to focus on the cars and only them. He was going to forget about it all. He'd been telling himself that so much lately, he hoped he was starting to believe it. So far since the attack he'd only hugged Jackson. They hadn't kissed or taken things further. Aaron believed that if he was to forget about it all, it meant forgetting about the terror of somebody getting close to him again. So in his head he made himself believe that if he were to get close to Jackson again, it would all disappear. But how could he be so wrong?
That night Aaron waited until they'd finished eating dinner and Hazel and Paddy had left the two of them to clear up. They were just putting away the last of the dishes when Aaron snaked up behind Jackson. He was determined to get closer to him that night.
"Oh, hello." Jackson smirked turning round to face Aaron, all dishes having been put away.
"Hey." Aaron said looking from Jackson's lips to his eyes, showing him what he wanted.
"Sure?" Jackson questioned, knowing the look in Aaron's eyes. He didn't want to push the younger man again. He'd already done that once before, unknowingly albeit. But still he didn't want to make him do anything he didn't want to. He didn't want to push him back a few steps to coming through the other side.
Aaron nodded his head, licking his lips. He leaned in towards Jackson and captured his lips.
The older man was the first to pull away, looking at Aaron who was trying ever so hard to capture the kiss again.
"Aaron. . ." Jackson started.
"What?" Aaron snapped.
"Are you really sure you want to do this?" Jackson questioned.
"What?" Aaron shot at him. He was irritated now. Jackson was questioning him. "Of course I am."
Jackson studied his face for any signs of him not wanting it. He wasn't showing any. So Jackson leaned back into the kiss.
Soon enough they were upstairs. Jackson took note that Aaron didn't switch a light on at all. They stayed in the darkness as Aaron began to undress Jackson, throwing each item of clothing to the floor behind him. Never breaking the hold they had on each other. All the time Jackson was on edge waiting for Aaron to stop them going any further, looking out for signs that Aaron was pushing himself into it. He'd forgotten how good Aaron was at covering his true emotions up. He wasn't going to let Darrel win. Yeah, he was pushing himself to take things further with Jackson to erase all traces of him from his mind. But he still had some sort of hold over him. He couldn't turn the light on, he still didn't want Jackson to see his body. Even though he'd seen it in the police station as he stood in the room with him. He was still disgusted. Until the bruises were gone Jackson wouldn't be seeing his body. Hell, he couldn't even bare to look at it still.
He knew Jackson was holding back. It was like he was stepping on egg shells around him. It made him even more determined to push himself. Prove to himself and Jackson that he was over it. It had only happened forty eight hours ago. But to Aaron it still didn't justify why he couldn't get Darrel out of his head. He was there lurking in the back of his head, taunting him. If he allowed himself to, if he didn't fight to keep his mind busy, all he could see was Darrel's face looking down on him.
"Aaron. . ."
". . . Aaron."
Aaron snapped himself to the present. "What?" Aaron glared.
"You okay?" Jackson asked, he'd thought he'd lost Aaron for a few minutes then. He'd just stopped staring off into space. It had taken awhile to get Aaron to hear him and answer.
Aaron shook his head, to clear it. "Yeah fine." He answered before continuing where he'd left off.
Jackson wasn't sure that it was a good idea anymore. Aaron was clearly having trouble. He didn't want to anger the younger man or for him to take it the wrong way by saying that maybe they should take it slow. But then he didn't want to push him either. Aaron was already trailing kisses down Jackson's neck, pushing to go further. He noticed he was the only one in just his boxers. Aaron still wore his trackies and t-shirt. He may have ditched his hoodie earlier but that was all. Jackson slid his hands up the inside of Aaron's t-shirt, feeling his skin. Aaron shivered at first, whether it was because of Jackson's touch or remembering the last hands to have touched him their had been unwanted, wasn't known. He didn't show that he didn't want it.
All the time he was planting kisses along Jackson's skin he was telling himself over and over again in his head, that he did want it. He kept convincing himself, kept trying remind himself that he did once enjoy the feeling. He tried to ignore the disgusted feeling that had began to creep up inside of him while Jackson tugged his t-shirt off of him. People didn't feel disgusted when their boyfriends touched them, undressed them. So why should he? He tried to make himself enjoy it. Jackson was taking things slow still. He just wanted him to get on with it, no drag it out. He wanted to know he could go through with it all. Aaron was starting to become annoyed, every time he tried to speed things up Jackson would begin to draw it out, make it last longer.
Aaron pulled back. Finally having enough of Jackson's silly little delays, "For gods sake Jackson!"
"What?" Jackson questioned only just making out the outline of Aaron in the dark on top of him.
Aaron let out an irritated growl.
"Aaron, I don't want to push you." Jackson admitted.
"Push me? I'm not fourteen!" Aaron snapped, he hated being treated like he was porcelain doll.
He knew Aaron would take it the wrong way. "Aaron don't want to push you too far okay. I never said you were fourteen!"
"You might as well have." Aaron shot back, pushing himself off of Jackson.
"Aaron. . ." Jackson started.
"No! I wish everyone would stop thinking I'm gonna break all the time." Aaron growled at him.
"We're not-."
"You are!" Aaron argued. He knew how Paddy and Chas tip toed around him, asking him if he was okay all the time. Jackson had just proved that he was as well, he just said he didn't want to push him!
Jackson knew he shouldn't have. It was stupid thing to do. But he'd been so infuriated by the way Aaron had been acting lately. He needed a wake up call. "So what? You want me to treat you like this then." Jackson asked, as he pull Aaron towards him. He pushed him on to his back and straddled him. Angrily he began to trail kisses along his neck. So blinded by his annoyance towards Aaron he hadn't taken any notice to the way Aaron's whole body had tensed up.
He wasn't aware that inside his head, Aaron was fighting against the instinct to fight back. He fought against the imagine of Darrel in his head again, the feel of his lips chasing over his skin. It was Jackson, not Darrel. It was his only fault. He'd pushed Jackson. Pushed him self. He wanted this. So why was he scared.
Jackson slid his hands along Aaron's sides as he began to trail the kisses lower and lower, until he reached the waist band of Aaron's trackies. The double knot still tied. He fiddled with the knot, becoming frustrated when he couldn't untie it in the dark. Only then did he realize just what he'd done. He could feel Aaron shaking beneath him, hear his breathing quick. What had he done? He dropped his head to Aaron's stomach.
"Oh god, what have I done." Jackson groaned. "I'm sorry Aaron . . ."
Aaron didn't answer him. He was still consumed by fear. He was glad the lights were off. Jackson couldn't see what a mess he was. He was lying on his back with Jackson straddling his legs, his boyfriend, and he was scared. What the hell was wrong with him? He squinted his eyes shut, hoping to shut out the images of Darrel from his mind.
"Aaron, I didn't mean to." Jackson apologized, pulling himself off of Aaron and dragging himself up the bed so he was closer to Aaron's head. He began to get worried when Aaron wouldn't answer him, he could feel the bed shaking.
Jackson reached over the bed and switched a bedside light. When he turned back round again he could see just what he'd done. Aaron was lying still, ever so still apart from the shaking of his whole body, his eyes scrunched shut like a frightened child and his knuckles turning white as he clenched the bed sheets. He'd done that to him. He felt like a monster for doing that to his already fragile boyfriend.
Slowly as to not frightened him even more, Jackson took hold of Aaron's hand and eased the bed sheets from his grip. With his other hand he ran the back of it down Aaron's face trying to soothe him. "Shh. . .Aaron I'm sorry." Jackson whispered. "I shouldn't have done that, I didn't mean to. . . say something, please?"
He didn't expect Aaron to laugh but he did. It was bitter almost. "It's okay." He said. "I deserved that."
"No Aaron! You didn't." Jackson almost shouted. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I did. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing." Aaron argued. "It's okay." He opened his eyes and turned to Jackson trying to assure him with eye contact and a fake smile.
"Don't you ever think that was your fault." Jackson hissed lovingly. He never wanted Aaron to feel that.
Aaron laughed again.
"Aaron I'm serious." Jackson told him.
"Whatever." Aaron shrugged. "I need a drink."
Before he could say anymore Aaron was up and out of the room, already descending the stairs to the kitchen as he pulled his t-shirt back on, leaving Jackson half naked in bed, puzzled and angry with himself, as well as even more worried for the younger man.
Downstairs, Aaron clung to the sink. He tried to gain some control over his body. His arms shook as he stared at himself in the reflection of the window in front of him. He couldn't believe what he'd come to, an emotional wreck of a person he once was. He stupidly tried to push him self and served him right for Jackson teaching him the hard way. It was the only way to get through to him sometimes.
Making him jump two feet in the air, Paddy bounded into the kitchen.
"Everything alright?" The older vet asked, sensing not all was well.
"Yeah, yeah fine." Aaron rushed, hurriedly wiping at the corners of his eyes with the back of his hand before Paddy could see.
Paddy glanced at Aaron questioningly. He always knew when something was wrong. "Aaron, just take things easy."
"Shut up." Aaron smirked, trying to act like everything was okay. He grabbed a cartoon of juice from the fridge and began to drink straight from it. Knowing Paddy would kill him for doing it. He wanted the familiar telling off he was so used.
"Aaron!" Paddy scolded. "You're not an animal. There are glasses in the cupboard."
Aaron laughed, before running back upstairs.