I didn't know what to make of Chella's revelation. I sat on the swing for longer than I cared to know. The reason might have been something about how I could see the inside of Emily's kitchen through the open window. I peered inside like I would a fish bowl. All the occupants were scattered around like a moving picture, the perfect family. Emily and Sam danced together doing a sort of tango on the floor. Paul and Brady were sniggering into their hands in the kitchen doorway, Seth looked on thoughtfully as he was perched on the counter top, Quil was still scarfing down the buffet placed on the table.
They were fine without me. They were fine without my hindrance, because that's exactly what I was. They couldn't talk freely in front of me for fear of letting something slip and upset me. All I had been was a burden so far making mistake after mistake. I wasn't contributing much to everyone yet they gave me everything they had and more. Emily let me stay in her house, Sam shared Emily, Collin and Brady made me laugh with their still boyish humor, Paul, Quil, and Jared feuded with others at school over me, Kim was my lifeline who talked to me about everything I couldn't with the other boys, and Embry had given me anything he could. What had I given them? Worry, heartache, trouble, anger, and attitude. The contents of my stomach churned at that thought.
There was nothing I could do, but admit the truth. I couldn't hide it. I didn't want to anyway. I wanted to know the exact reason why Embry thought I couldn't handle this. I know he was protecting me, but I had the right to know. More than Kim even because this involved me directly in more ways than one.
I tried to configure what I was going to say to them all. 'Oh, hey guys listen, um just figured out the big secret. You hate vampires!' No, I don't think that was going to work.
Then I had an idea. A crazy idea that would free everyone from myself. I could use this revelation against him, to rip us apart. I could give them what they desired. I might not be able to contribute much, but I could do this one thing for them. If I hurt Embry badly enough, maybe he could be with everyone that made him happy. I wanted to include myself in that category, but I knew I only brought everyone annoyance. I had to. I was just terrible at everything life had to offer.
Was I willing though? Was I willing to give up the one person who was my life? Was I willing to give up Embry? I'd have to go back on every promise we'd ever made to each other. Every single conversation would be a lie. I'd have to though. It was only fair because I'd had my months of bliss, but it was just temporary. I couldn't stay in this life forever no matter how much I wanted to. I just couldn't fit in with the tribe physically and mentally. We weren't on the same wavelengths and not only that, but I couldn't have Embry saving me all the time. I had to save him and the rest of the pack. From myself. Just this once.
As I trudged into the kitchen everyone looked my way, surprised that I had been outside while it was drizzling hard. I couldn't meet their eyes as I made my way to the one person I was looking for, the one I was always looking for.
Embry was on the couch looking a bit disoriented like he'd just woken up. I actually think he had and by the way Seth was guffawing hysterically I'd say that he was the one who'd done the honors. Embry's face was set in a glare until he saw me enter the room. His eyes lit up like always as I sat down beside him, not touching him at all, with my hands in my lap. I gulped. I could to this. I could.
His face fell a little when he noticed my tense position and he sat up quickly to scan me with his eyes. I wouldn't look at him. He'd see everything he needed to know and more if he got a glimpse of my eyes.
"So, I was just on the phone with Chella…" I whispered and Embry leaned forward to where our knees were touching. I bet he could just feel me trembling, but I wasn't exactly sure why.
By this time a lot of the pack had followed me into the living room and were now staring at Embry and I with baited breaths. I must have floated in here like a ghost and I hadn't even known it. "She said something that made everything clear." I continued in my low voice. I felt Embry jerk back and emit a sort of hiss.
The pack shifted uncomfortably around, all staring at each other in amazement. I finally turned towards Embry because I needed to see his face. Just to see what he was thinking and maybe to be a little more dramatic as I told him my revelation.
"So you chase vampires, huh?" Embry's jaw dropped and his eyes widened in disbelief. It was quiet throughout the entire house for a good five minutes.
"H-how did you-? What do you mean?" My boyfriend stuttered out in shock. I could only smile tightly at him as his face immediately went Sam's. Of course it did. It always did. The pack was Embry's life and even though I knew what I was getting into I also knew that he could love me. He'd just have to get Sam's permission. That thought annoyed me. It made my calm and collected attitude shoot through the roof right into aggravation. My act became believable, I almost believed it myself.
"You should have told me Embry. I know this is about Bella, but you should have told me." I murmured viciously and stood to stare down at him. I wanted to create the effect that I was right and he was the one that was in trouble for not telling me, but it didn't work out as I planned. Embry was about the same height as me and he was sitting on the sofa. I turned to march out of the house with anger and then I'd come back later and gather my things, but that plan was thwarted also by Sam catching me around the wrist and swinging me around.
"I told him not to, Sophie. I told him not to because I wanted you to be safe and even though Embry agreed with my plan I knew how hard it was for him to not be able to share everything. Blame me, not him." Sam dictated to me. This made me all the more furious. He was no leader of mine. He had no right to tell me who to blame and besides he was messing everything up! Well, maybe this could work to my advantage.
I wrenched my hand back out of his grasp. "I just wanted be treated equally! Like everyone else is. I want to know what everyone else already knows. All of it!" I growled menacingly at the very tall, very buff alpha werewolf. Sam should have smacked some sense into me because I was way out of line, but he didn't. He seemed to take my anger in stride, maybe he was use to moody females. Sam's hard eyes narrowed for a moment before he sighed and took a step back from me.
"Keep her in line Embry." He forced out harshly and when he moved out of my line of vision I saw that Embry had risen from the couch and was behind the pack leader.
"I can talk however I want to whomever I want. You aren't my parents, you aren't my elders, and you're certainly not my family. Families don't lie to each other and they definitely aren't controlled by some hot-headed, egotistical dictator!" I shrieked with my fists clenched by my sides. Ok, so maybe I was getting into this too much. Embry didn't move a single muscle.
The entire pack went deadly silent.
"Sam is not a dictator." Embry replied sharply after a few moments and I could see something that bordered dislike in his eyes. Finally, geez. "He does what he thinks is right. Decision making is hard. You should know that."
"Oh sure!" I spat out in disgust "Take his side. Sam's side. Are you doing this because he's forcing you?"
"It's not like that-"
"What about me, Embry?" I cut him off violently and moved towards the extremely angry werewolf. I should have moved back because that's what I was aiming for, the door, but I couldn't. He was calling me towards his body. I didn't want to do this. I ached horrendously all over as if every part of me was breaking away from him. All I wanted to do was to be in his arms as he held me safe, but I couldn't. I was doing this for his sake, for everyone's. It was like a strange sensation was wrapping itself around me forcing me to go to him, it felt like magic. I resisted the pull though. I was seriously acting like the brat I knew I could be. This fight reminded me of the time that my mother and father were in a battle over me. My mother had wanted to skip going to Paris because my birthday had fallen on the week the trip was planned. They'd totally forgotten about it until that night.
"What about me?" My father had yelled at my mother as she unpacked all her clothing from her suitcase. My father was livid that she'd cancelled. He loved going back to his home country.
"It's Sophie's birthday! We can't just leave our only child!" My mother protested to him as her high heels clacked loudly against their wooden floors. I sat against the door of my closet completely closed in on myself to the point where I couldn't breathe. I could hear them all the way down the hall. I didn't want to cry. I held onto myself so tightly because I didn't want to be weak. I had to be grown up; I had to be a lady.
"She's eight Marianne! She won't even care! She's just a child and it's not like we were here for her birthday last year anyway!" My father stormed after my mother and lifted the clothes she'd just put back in the drawers to put them back in the suitcase. "I need to go to France. I haven't been there in four months!"
My father had won that fight because my mother loved him. She loved him so much. She would do anything for him because she adored him and he, well, he adored her too. They loved each other and I should have been happy about that because almost all the kid's at my boarding school had divorced parents. Secretly though, I wished mine would divorce. It was a horrible thought and I should have never considered the idea, but I couldn't help it. Maybe if they weren't together they'd want to be with me more. Maybe I would remind each of the other and they'd want to keep me closer to them. It was just passing thoughts though. I didn't dwell on them too seriously because I knew it would never happen. They were perfect for each other. I was just a byproduct of their affection, nothing special and not really needed. Just there.
"What do you mean?" Embry asked at a loss for words and suddenly my mind swam back into the present. I wasn't eight, I wasn't at home, and I wasn't ignored. I was here, with Embry, one of the few people who knew me. This approach wasn't working. Goddammit.
"I don't know, never mind…" I broke off and I just collapsed onto the couch in a heap. I had mounds of problems with relationships. Stupid statistics, according to them I shouldn't be as messed up as those kids who come from divorced homes yet, somehow I found myself still dealing with commitment problems. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. The light clicked on in my head and I had to stare down at my lap so he wouldn't see my sad smile.
"No, tell me. What about you? What are you so afraid of? Are you scared that I might love you less because I don't tell you things?" Embry asked me softly and knelt down on his haunches to my eye level. His hands grazed the edges of my knee and I was suddenly highly aware of everyone in the room watching.
"No, Embry, I want to trust you. I want to trust you with my whole heart for the rest of my life. I want to be loved and I want to love you in return, but I'm so scared." I hardly whispered and fiddled with my shaking fingers. I took a deep breath and continued. "I need to be first though. Is that selfish of me? I'm sure it is, but I always want to be before everyone else. I know it's going to drive a wedge between us, but I'll feel safer. If I'm always number one, then I'll never get hurt. Can you do that Embry? Are you up for that, because if you asked it of me I know I might not be able to commit." I hated myself. I couldn't believe I was forcing him to put me before all others. I was forcing him to put me before his family, his mom, and his brothers. What kind of person was I? Hopefully a better one if this works.
I took the time to peer up at him through my hair and saw his face completely torn. His eyes were squinted in pain and his mouth twisted into a half-snarl, half-grimace.
"I understand." I told him quietly and got up to go to my room. He didn't grab me and pull me back like I expected. I made it to my bed and had half my things packed before I heard the knock. "Come in."
I knew it was Embry without even looking up. What I didn't know was that Sam was with him too. I didn't really understand what was going on, but they closed the door behind them to try and shut the other eavesdroppers out. Embry stared at my half packed suitcase in disbelief. He didn't comment though if he was thinking anything.
Embry took a seat on my bed a little bit away from me I noticed. His large hands were gripping his legs tightly in frustration. Well, I wasn't going to be the first one to say anything.
"I won't abandon you." Embry turned quickly to me and I caught the raw emotions in his eyes. He was hurt, beyond hurt; he was mortally wounded from my words. My eyes filled with tears at what I'd known I'd done and purposely. "I swear it, Sophie."
"How can you promise something like that? I know this whole vampire thing was so I wouldn't be hurt, but I can't be sure you aren't hiding other things. You could, you know, and I would never find out about it. Don't make promises that you can't keep."
"But I can. I physically cannot be away from you. Well, I could, but it would hurt. I would go insane with worry. You're all I think about. Have I not shown you my devotion enough?" Embry asked me desperately and my insides were just sinking. That pitiful voice would be the death of me. I couldn't stop the tears that were leaking down my face. I had to do this, but with every second that passed my resolve crumbled.
"The pack." I told him searching for something. I was grasping at straws here to put the distance between us. He just wouldn't let me go.
"I give you my word that you will always be before the pack in accordance to Embry." Sam finally spoke up through the shadows. I couldn't believe this. They were double-teaming me and all I wanted was for them to be happy, but they were doing the exact opposite that I wanted them to. They were placating me once again! They were doing everything in their power to make me stay.
I didn't mean to throw myself at Embry. I didn't mean to start sobbing against his shoulder.
I did mean to say 'I can't stay here with you!' That's what I meant to say, but I didn't. Instead I blubbered out my whole stupid plan. "I'm sorry! I just wanted you to be happy! Please forgive me. I don't want to leave you! P-please, please don't hate me. I'll do anything! I didn't mean any of it. I love you! I love the pack! They can all be first, I'll be last, just please don't stop loving me! I swear I'll try my hardest to love you back… I promise-"
"Sophie, what are you talking about?" Embry asked me startled. His large hands rubbed soothing circles against my back. He pulled me into his chest as I tried to stop my tears, but they wouldn't cease. I was horrified at myself; I couldn't believe I'd thought of leaving him. There was no way that was possible now. Not unless he wanted me to leave of course. "You didn't mean all that? Then why did you say it?"
"I just wanted you to be happy! How can you if I'm such a burden-?"
Embry grabbed my face and made me stare back at his dark eyes that bored into my very soul. "Don't you ever say that about yourself." Embry growled angrily. His eyebrows scrunched together as comprehension dawned on his face. "You did all that on purpose." He breathed hard against my lips and suddenly his eyes shuddered to half-mast.
"I did all that on purpose." I admitted.
"You did that to save me from yourself?"
"I have so many problems, Embry. I'm deficient. I can't be a girlfriend let alone a wife for you."
"You are perfect." Embry growled before he lowered me gently onto the bed as he hovered over my face. He kissed my lips softly. "You are the perfect girlfriend." He tilted his head to kiss the hollow of my neck. "You will be the perfect wife." I felt him lift my left hand to his mouth as he kissed my third finger. "And you are going to be the perfect mother." I felt him move slowly down to my stomach to press his hot lips against my bare flesh right below my navel. I shuddered visibly. I'd never thought about having kids with Embry, but it came to me then. I saw her as clear as day. My own little girl who looked like a porcelain Indian doll with silky russet skin, hair as black as night and her golden eyes staring back at me filled with joy. She'd look just like Embry and she'd be perfect because I would love her with all my heart, with whatever I had in me.
Sam cleared his throat loudly. Embry looked up and grinned apologetically at him.
"So, I was thinking we should have a campfire." Sam said giving Embry a look. My boyfriend, who was still on top of me, nodded once.
"You're right, I think it's time she heard every legend." Embry agreed.