Chapter 14: Dissociation
There had been no mentions, no freak-outs, not even suspicious looks—nothing to remind Gray that Natsu knew his secret now. Natsu knew. Gray was happy to move on, relieved to fall back into all the things he loved and find they were still there: teasing and quests and sleeping next to each other and fights that turned into fucking and the old competitions like who could eat more or run faster or last longer.
Those things held his world together.
Gray woke one morning to find he had ensnared his Dragon Slayer with his legs. He had one thrown over Natsu's thigh and the toes of the other curled around Natsu's feet. He couldn't remember if he'd been naked when he fell asleep, but he definitely was now.
This fact had not gotten past the Dragon Slayer: Natsu pinned him with dark, mirthful eyes that made goosebumps break out all over Gray's arms.
Gray went to pull his leg off, then thought better of it. He was tired and this was comfortable.
Blinking slowly into full consciousness, he noticed neither of them was clothed and both of them were hard. Natsu propped himself up on an elbow, running a taunting finger down Gray's chest. Gray felt Natsu's thighs tense under his own, but the Dragon Slayer made no move to touch him except for the mesmerizing hand trailing over his skin. The fingers pulled up and caressed Gray's guildmark, tracing over the dark ink, thoughtful, loving. When Gray shivered, Natsu just smiled.
"Good morning, icy lover. Such an indecent position to wake up in," Natsu chuckled.
"You know you like it," Gray yawned.
Smiling, Natsu leaned forward to nip at his ear, gently brushing the hair out of Gray's face as he did so.
"It'd be a shame not to take advantage of this situation," the Salamander murmured, soft touches still playing over Gray's skin.
Gray's cock twitched hearing that lustful tone: this was definitely not just morning wood anymore. Feeling self-conscious under Natsu's all-knowing gaze, Gray looked down to where his fingers rested on the sheets.
"Very true. Not sure I'm awake enough to do much, though."
"That's not a problem."
Natsu kissed his eyebrow and Gray's eyes fell shut. A hand caressed Gray's face and ran down his chest and abdomen, slowing the further it got, until Natsu's fingers stopped a few centimeters from his dick. The touches stole Gray's breath.
"Only if you want it."
Gray was feeling shy from all this affection, his head still tilted down so Natsu couldn't see his expression. But he gave a fervent nod: hell yes, he wanted it.
Natsu wrapped a hot hand around him, shifted forward, and pressed his own hard cock against Gray's. It was enough to have Gray throbbing with desire. The ice mage whimpered as Natsu moved his hand over both of them, and when Natsu shuddered too, Gray whispered, "Fuck. Please, Natsu."
He caught sight of Natsu's beaming smile at those words and pressed his red face into the pillow again. Gods, it always embarrassed him so much when Natsu could see him like that. Gray kept his gaze on the spectacle below so he wouldn't have to look up.
Plus he was excessively turned on by the image of Natsu rubbing their cocks together. It felt even better, tight grip sliding over every nerve laid bare pleasure. When the Dragon Slayer picked up speed, he put his other hand to work too, jerking them both off together.
"Gods," Gray grunted. "You're perfect… This—yes."
"I love when you talk like that," Natsu panted in his ear, kissing Gray's exposed shoulder.
The words made Gray's whole body tighten, lungs twisting with a sudden lack of use. Natsu saw him, loved him, walked straight into his soul.
Unable to take it in, Gray focused on their trembling legs clenched around each other, the eagerness squeezing his dick. Natsu uttered his name low and intense, euphoric tension building where their bodies pressed together. This, Gray wanted. This man right here.
As Natsu's strangled grunts got louder, Gray chanced a look at his face.
But what he saw made his heart stop dead. The Salamander's eyes were fixed on his, black and endless. Devouring. His look begged Gray to be vulnerable.
There was no way he could come while Natsu was looking at him like that.
He just couldn't.
He shut down.
He was breathing heavily, pulse stuttering. His face was dead, expressionless, out of his control. Pressure built up inside him, a desire for release, but he wasn't home in his own head. He was spinning, dizzy, there was too much noise.
Gray felt his muscles harden of their own accord—his body working without him. Gray was a silk thread pulled taut. Ready to break when Natsu's tender lips moved over his hair.
But he didn't break. He was too numb to fall apart. A blessing, maybe. Gray's head was buzzing too loudly for him to analyze it.
Natsu's movements sped up, tearing Gray back into the moment over and over. The amazing sensations Natsu was jerking out of him… Gray couldn't suppress a sharp hiss when Natsu twisted over his tip, fingers flying over him in just that perfect way.
Natsu's intense eyes still took him in, swallowed him. He enjoyed watching. Bile stirred in Gray's gut. Natsu was owning him from the inside out.
The Salamander kissed over Gray's face, shaky, fire-hot breaths punctuating every worshipful glance that raked down Gray's body. Natsu's face would've disturbed him if he'd been able to feel anything anymore.
With a drawn-out "Gray," Natsu came on Gray's stomach, eyes squeezing shut in an exquisite expression of happiness.
The hot liquid hitting him, Natsu's jaw falling open, and the experienced hand stroking Gray, so hot and fast—it steamed past his inhibitions against letting Natsu see him like this. And Natsu's eyes were still closed for the moment.
Gray made a strangled noise, holding back a debauched moan. With a final excruciating jerk, his body burst apart.
More come spattered his skin and sight became irrelevant as his orgasm flew through him, shaking him to his core. It emptied him and left him both full and exhausted.
As soon as he could move, Gray hid his face in bed. Shudders rode through him, winding down. The cloth muffled his desperate panting.
"N-Natsu…" he tried.
"I love you," Natsu said above him. Gray could hear the broad smile in Natsu's voice. He pictured it in his head, that radiant grin, the hint of a smirk. Gray kept his face tucked firmly in the bedclothes, but imagination was enough.
He still had Natsu's trembling legs caught under one of his thighs. Natsu's hot fingers trailed across his arm and Gray relaxed into the touch. Every sense, from smell to hearing, was overwhelmed with Natsu. Even if his heart was twisting at what he had just done, at being watched while joy invaded him, his body at least was sated.
It was still good, and Natsu couldn't own him if Gray refused to give him his soul.
"That felt good," Gray said, searching for the most honest compliment he could find within his emotionless cocoon. "Thank you."
"Mm," the Dragon Slayer agreed.
After a few minutes, hiding any longer would've been childish. Gray sat up in a swift, decisive motion, making a show of scrutinizing the mess on his stomach. At long last, he swung his eyes to meet his lover's.
Natsu's expression was satisfaction itself. Natsu—body gloriously naked, pink hair mussed, and eyes pinched up in delight—was the most amazing thing Gray would ever see. Gods. Gray let that tug his smile into place. He was happy; he wanted Natsu to see that. Only that.
A feeling Gray couldn't name swelled in his throat. Instinctively Gray leaned over and kissed his boyfriend. Natsu hummed.
"I'm going to shower," Gray said, motioning wryly at his abdomen and turning to slide off the bed.
As his feet hit the ground, Natsu caught his arm.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine. Happy, in fact."
Gray had to meet Natsu's gaze. Face him. Smile. That was the only way Natsu would believe him.
After two seconds, Gray was already uncomfortable. But the grip released and Gray walked as nonchalantly as possible to the door.
Once under the water, he rested his hard fists on the shower wall, body coiling in anger.
Where his heart should be filled with warmth and connection there was nothing. Nothing. Natsu wasn't nothing. Gray wasn't sure what he should be feeling, but this was wrong—Gray's insides were wrong.
Natsu felt so far away.
Gray had truly enjoyed it: their sex was always excellent. He could ask for nothing better. But he couldn't feel the happiness. He was just left with an empty ache. A useless desire to feel things. To be able to be intimate.
He didn't know how to let his guard down. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
With the water pouring over him, he felt claustrophobic. Gray closed his eyes and willed it to wash everything away: his rage, his emptiness, his impotency.
He couldn't have what others got to have. He needed to get the fuck over it. Enjoy what he had. Stop being an asshole who wanted to know what it felt like to love someone the way people talked about. This was why he'd never had a relationship before: true, loving intimacy was impossible for him. He didn't deserve it anyway. He was broken.
Fucking get over it, you little bitch. The furious thoughts whipped his disordered heart into submission.
When Gray opened the bathroom door, he ran smack into Natsu.
Fear leapt up Gray's throat at the intensity with which the Salamander stared him down. Like Natsu could read every horrible, broken thing in his head. The Dragon Slayer kissed him backward into the wall, a flurry of hot breath and teeth and tongue.
"What…?" Gray gasped against that insistent mouth.
Natsu pulled back.
"Always," he grunted. "So don't lie to me."
He marched the two steps to the sink and Gray stared at his back, waiting for something to happen. Nothing did. Natsu wasn't even looking at him anymore.
Crossing the short space, Gray wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's stomach. He put everything he had into the hug, gripping hard, willing Natsu to get it, believe it, feel it. I really do care. Natsu needed to know that. Even if Gray couldn't always participate in the feeling, it was still true.
When Natsu tried to pull away a few minutes later, Gray held on.
"Snowflake—"
"This isn't a lie," Gray said, muffled against his shoulder.
He meant it as comfort, but Natsu asked, "Are you sure?"
"Want me to prove it?" Gray growled.
"What?" Natsu managed to twist around enough to peer at Gray over his shoulder. Confusion marked his face.
Natsu's eyes left Gray breathless. He wanted Natsu. He really did.
"I'll do whatever you want," Gray said.
Dark questions reared up in Natsu's eyes, Gray realizing in a heartbeat what he would ask for.
With a sigh, he let go and Natsu slid around to face him.
Natsu hadn't cottoned on to Gray's avoidance of that topic yet. Gray could probably get him to shut up about the subject if he talked, gave the Dragon Slayer boundaries about where not to take his inquiries. Let him know Gray didn't want to even think about it, so please never bring it up.
Voluntarily talking about this…that was new. He really did trust Natsu.
"I trust you," Gray said, taking the plunge. "Go ahead: ask me for anything."
Natsu swallowed. "Can I ask a question?"
Gray nodded.
At first, Natsu just stood there pushing his fingers through his hair. Gray ran his hands over Natsu's chest while the fire wizard thought, relishing the touch of warm skin. Finally, Gray broke the silence.
"Do you want me to talk?" The words sounded like they were coming from another person.
Natsu nodded in relief.
Gray's voice slipped into a place of scholarly explanation.
"It happened a long time ago. I don't talk about it: I don't want to think about it. Remembering gives me nightmares, and I'm too old to deal with that shit, so…" Gray shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry for freaking out that night. I don't know why that happened; I usually have much better control. That's my fault, not yours."
Natsu focusing on Gray's chin rather than his eyes made this much easier. Still, his words made the Salamander hunch, progressively more defeated, and Gray felt a spark of fear. His fingernails dug into Natsu's arms, grounding both of them.
"I promise I won't let it happen again." Gray's voice shook with determination. "Ever. I am stronger than that thing. Please don't bring it up. I don't want to be that person, and when you bring it up… This is the real me, Natsu. Not that: not the person who—went through that."
Gray stopped, breathless. He was heavier than stone.
Natsu looked at him then, and in that black gaze were walls and understanding and silence.
"Okay," Natsu said simply and leaned in to kiss him. Gray remembered how to pull air into his lungs, gasping around Natsu's lips, slipping his tongue over those fangs. He was drowning, but it was okay: Natsu's lips pulled him out of deep water, and he left behind all the things which tried to weigh him down. Those things were not him. Gray was right here, found, established. He and Natsu were partners. Gray was not alone.
"Thank you, Gray," Natsu said. Gray could've floated on the words.
Gray's heart was racing so fast it felt painful to Natsu. Even if they weren't pressed close together, the Dragon Slayer would've heard it loud and clear, and his chest twinged alongside that lethal staccato.
Gray's words weren't really answers. But they were something. Natsu would have to figure the rest out on his own: the silences; the numb, dead eyes; the nightmares Gray didn't remember; the panic that appeared out of nowhere.
Gray told him I trust you and Natsu was content.
He sucked Gray's tongue into his mouth and bit him lightly, making the ice mage moan. Gray said not talking was safe. Natsu could only hope that was true.
He could only hope he didn't fuck this up.
If there are gods for this…help me.
Chapter 15: On Top of the World