Author's Note: Update, yay! I hope you all have enjoyed the past 3 or 4 chapters of Mikaani goodness. But now's the time to finally wrap up this story, so we're getting the pain and all the iffy parts. Enjoy that too.
As always, thank you very much to all the comments and kudos and everything else. I cannot even begin to express how every one of these has helped me get this far with this story, so much love to all you readers!
Talking to Bertholdt doesn't give her any answers even though he does try to bounce around ideas with her, ranging from the plausible, which is simply breaking up with them both and letting time heal the wounds before trying again with Mikasa, to the downright ridiculous, which is staging a kidnapping for Mikasa so that she and her can start anew elsewhere. She resists telling him that he and whoever he brings along as his accomplices are likelier to die in the attempt. But while the talk doesn't provide answers, it does give her peace of mind from being able to unload on him, which is more relieving than she imagines, and it gives her a friend who can cover for her. For five days after Mikasa's birthday, she cites 'business with Bertholdt' as the reason she can't stay over at Eren's place or have him stay over at hers to allow the marks Mikasa left to fade away, and it's incredibly refreshing to have Bertholdt corroborate her story.
Having Bertholdt also gives her a measuring stick for how others are perceiving her and Mikasa, and since he never saw anything suspicious in their public interactions, she can rest assured on that front. That measure however, doesn't quite work for Armin, who is Mikasa's childhood friend, and thus the things he would look for is far different than Bertholdt. Bertholdt also doesn't often see her and Mikasa together, whereas Armin has been seeing them both quite regularly since he started their lunches. And there's been so many of them that she can't be sure she has never let anything slip. Especially when he does things like this—
"I think Mikasa is seeing someone."
—and his gaze seemingly lingers on her overlong instead of Eren. She's been uneasy about Armin for a while, but now it turns to full blown dread.
"Wait, really?!"
She takes the opportunity afforded by Eren's exclamation to look away and pretends surprise. She's not even sure if that's the right reaction because she's not even sure if this is genuine news, or something meant to flush her out. If the former, how should she, as Eren's girlfriend who has a civil relationship with Mikasa at best, react? Interest? Indifference? Should she be snarky? Or happy? And if it's the latter instead, then she can't help but wonder if it was her actions during Mikasa's birthday that really tipped him off. Her insistence to be dropped off at the station, and her lack of care in seeing her sleepy boyfriend home. She should have been more careful, but she was too eager to get back to Mikasa's place.
"Who?" Eren asks.
Indeed who. That will tell her if this is genuine or a flush. She looks back at Armin, and thankfully, he has shifted his focus to Eren.
Armin shakes his head. "I don't know. It's just a suspicion."
Even knowing Armin isn't looking at her, she doesn't let her shoulders sag, or sigh in relief, or anything.
"Huh. Based on?" Eren prods.
"Doesn't she seem different nowadays? A bit more cheery?"
Eren scowls in thought. "No? She's just as she normally is."
"I think you don't pay as much attention to her intricacies, Eren," Armin replies with a smile. "But demeanor aside, what really stood out was her house."
At the mention of Mikasa's house, Armin's eyes once again slides over to her, the timing so curious it has to be deliberate. She doesn't show anything, she knows she's not showing anything, but still she finds his scrutiny unnerving, that he might be reading something even from her lack of reaction. He must know something, or have good reason to be sure of his suspicion of her. That it has only been two days since Mikasa's birthday seals the deal that it had been something he observed then.
"Her house? What about it?"
He turns back to Eren again, continuing on as usual. "It feels as though she's been having a frequent guest. There's more food around than usual, more drinks in the fridge too, and there's even coffee, which Mikasa doesn't fancy herself."
Under the table, Annie digs her nails into her palm.
"That is unusual. When did you notice that?"
"On Friday, when we went to her house for her birthday," Armin answers. "I was there earlier than you two and I used her kitchen to make final preparations of the food."
"Then couldn't it just be because we were coming over?" Eren suggests.
"Perhaps," Armin says, shrugging. "Like I said, it's a suspicion. But something feels off about her place."
"Off?"
Armin leans back on his chair, as though contemplating how to explain. "All houses are different, because after a while, it takes on the characteristic of its occupants. Your place for example, Eren, has a very Eren-feel to it but the moment Annie started coming over a lot and staying over too, then the feel changes. It became an Eren plus Annie feel. That's what I meant. Mikasa's place has that Mikasa plus someone else feel."
That's precisely the reason why she used to only go straight to the bedroom whenever she goes to Mikasa's place. Because she didn't want to disturb anything else around the house. But that was also before she started going over just to hang out, and now they've had sex in the living room, and she's even stayed the night. That's definitely going to affect something.
"Maybe like you said, on Friday she was preparing for us, so that might have muddled the feel of her place. But we arrived together today, right? It's because I dropped by hers just before to pick up the stew pot I left at her place on Friday. And I still got that feeling, in fact it was even stronger. Like someone has just recently been there."
Annie feels a chill over the back of her neck and she clenches her fists even tighter. She has been so, so careless. Either she should have allowed Armin to drop her home or not stayed the night in Mikasa's place but now she's left too many clues. And that's not even including who knows what else he may have picked up over time. Of course he's suspicious. She would be too in face of these 'coincidences'.
"I guess I really don't pay attention to all these stuff," Eren says. "Why not just ask her?"
Armin chuckles lightly. "Eren, you know Mikasa. She'll tell us when she's ready and not a word before that. Although, do you know anything, Annie?"
She freezes at her name, and she has to force herself to unclench her fists, to relax her shoulders and glance up as naturally as she can to the two pairs of eyes on her. "Me? Why would you think I would know anything?"
"It might be easier for her to talk about these things to a friend rather than family. And you're both female," Armin answers, explaining his reasoning.
"That's true. Seems like a girl talk topic," Eren agrees, nodding his head.
She shakes hers, hoping it isn't jerky or overeager. "No way. We're not close at all. And we only ever interact when either of you are around. When would we ever talk about that?"
"Really?" Armin replies in surprise. Feigned surprise most likely. "It seemed as though you two have gotten a bit closer since we started having lunches together. You two never hung out just the two of you?"
"Yeah, I mean, I saw that Mikasa had an active chat with you on her phone," Eren adds. "I thought too that both of you might have started getting along better since you know...after Christmas."
Armin clearly doesn't know that, and his eyes widen a little more at the new information. It makes something buzz at the back of her head. "Oh that," she says, injecting as much nonchalance as she can muster into her voice. "She does come over sometimes, to give me stuff and sometimes she gives me lifts. So yeah, we do talk sometimes, and it's not as tense as it used to be before, but that's about it. She wouldn't tell me about personal things."
Eren accepts her explanation easily, seemingly ready to drop the topic as he leans back and stretches his arms. Armin keeps his eyes on her for just a while longer before finally he nods, getting up and taking all three of their glasses with him to the sink.
"Well, if you do hear of anything, then let us know. Mikasa can be too secretive sometimes."
When she leaves Eren's place later, she doesn't even stop to see if it's been half an hour, or survey the cars outside. Armin is here today, meaning Mikasa wouldn't have waited, and plus she's still using the 'business with Bertholdt' excuse to not stick around so as proof, Bertholdt is there to pick her up. She goes straight into the front passenger seat of his personal jeep, and he takes one look at her face to realize something's wrong.
"Did something happen?" he asks.
She sends a text to Mikasa first, waiting for him to pull out of the block. Armin suspects something. And only once they're on the road and away from perceived threats does she tell him what happened. He heaves a heavy sigh when she's done.
"I hate to point out the obvious but perhaps you should break it off first? It would be far worse if Eren finds out from Armin."
"I know that."
"Armin is just suspecting, right? He doesn't have proof. If you act first then you can cover up Mikasa's involvement entirely. Then at least you can spare her."
"I know," she snaps.
Bertholdt turns to look at her, perplexed. "What's holding you back? Isn't things dangerous as it is?"
Her phone vibrates with a beep, delivering Mikasa's reply. Don't come over for a while. I won't go over either. The way Mikasa worded that, without even asking any questions, probably means that Mikasa has already figured something is up. Maybe Armin asked too many questions, or maybe he snooped around the house a bit too much. Whatever it is, they now have to keep a distance. And of all the things that could happen, this is probably the worst. She sighs, stashing her phone back into her pocket. The issue isn't breaking up with Eren, which she has thought of multiple times. But it isn't as simple as just breaking things off either, because for one, she still hasn't spoken properly to Mikasa after the staying over incident.
Mikasa was behaving rather oddly that morning, which, in hindsight now that Annie has had time to think it over, is possibly due to it being Mikasa's first time having a morning after with anyone. Sometimes it's easy to forget that Mikasa is inexperienced, that the only other time she has woken up with someone in her bed was after a drunken night that she can't even remember. So Mikasa may have seemed put together, but inside her emotions are probably all over the place. That's the only thing Annie can think of to explain how inconsistent Mikasa was, and why Mikasa was murdering the cake. So it had been a good idea to give Mikasa some space, but that space is only good if she eventually closes it again. Indefinite space too often becomes insurmountable distance. That's why they need to work things out. Now they can't. And this isn't the sort of conversation to have through text, or even a call, which they don't do anyway.
Perhaps she really shouldn't have spent the night. If she had gone home like Mikasa intended, then surely right now they'd just be their usual selves. There would be no issue with having to keep their distance either, it's something they've done before multiple times. But something has shifted with her staying over. She can't say for certain what it is, whether their intimacy, or the broken boundary, or the other boundaries all pushed to within an inch of breaking. What she's certain of is that there's something different that morning, and it's not something that can be addressed with them holding hands or with the implied answers from actions. At the end of the day, things need to be said. Perhaps it's more right then to say she's glad to have spent the night, but not so for not being able to talk about it.
So at this juncture, if she breaks up with Eren, what happens to them? Where are they at with each other after that night? Will they be over too, or is there possibility for something more? That's the damn issue. Not breaking up, but the timing of it. Because she has just seen that sliver of possessiveness from Mikasa, that sliver that if given time and coaxing, could become something more. And yet now is the time that this decides to happen? That's not even the biggest issue with the timing either.
She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I can't. Not right now. The timing is really bad."
"The timing?"
"I met Eren in November, but we only actually started dating at the end of February."
Bertholdt grimaces, understanding. "That's in two weeks."
"Exactly. Can you imagine? Hey Eren, it's been a year. Let's break up." Instantly she frowns and shakes her head. "No. I can't do that to him."
"Then when? It's yours and his birthdays in March. The timing doesn't seem right there either. How long will you wait?"
She takes a deep breath, and places her hand over her phone in her pocket. Mikasa has decided her course of action. She has no choice but to follow. "Until the time is right I guess. Mikasa and I just won't meet privately for the time being, then Armin won't have anything to go on. That's the only way for now."
For now ends up being far longer than she expects, however. And it is vexing to not be able to spend time with Mikasa as she usually does, to only be able to see Mikasa while in Eren or Armin's presence where she has to pretend anyway. Mikasa takes it further, not even waiting after Sunday dinners anymore and while she gets it, it's also incredibly frustrating. All she wants is to be able to talk to Mikasa, just the two of them, just once, to finally address what went on with them after that night. The thing that shifted, it feels like a double edged sword, like it could be a force that would bring them closer, but also a force that could set them apart. And what determines if it is one or the other, is whether they talk about it.
At this rate, especially with the risk of Armin discovering them, it feels like Mikasa will simply retreat. That she will silence that possessive part of her, and revert to how she was at the beginning when she just yielded to Eren at every turn. If it was a decision Mikasa came to on her own, then Annie would respect that. But if it is a decision made simply because they hadn't a chance to talk it out, because someone else is poking around, then she definitely doesn't want to accept that. She doesn't know who she's more irritated at. Herself for messing up, or Armin for being as observant as he is. When two weeks pass without an opportunity and Mikasa further bails out from lunches with Armin, she thinks that maybe she's actually irritated at Mikasa. Because even if they cannot meet, Mikasa could at least communicate her intentions via text.
"So Mikasa says she won't be joining us for lunches anymore. Do you know what going on?" Armin asks.
She has half a mind to also drop lunches with him, but that would be too suspicious. "I told you she doesn't tell me anything." And to think, she's actually telling the truth this time.
Armin frowns, but it doesn't seem to be directed at her, more at himself. "Hmm...was I wrong?"
"Wrong about what?"
He snaps up, looking at her with a smile. "Ah, just mumbling to myself. Don't worry about it."
Whatever it is Mikasa is doing on her end, it seems to be working but apparently, it's still not enough. Mikasa still doesn't want to meet privately and so the situation continues on like this, with Sundays being the only time now that she can see Mikasa. Even then, Mikasa is painfully civil, doesn't make eye contact with her even when Eren is so obviously not paying attention, and of course, she leaves pretty much the moment dinner is done. It almost feels like what Mikasa did once before, way back, when she removed herself from Annie's presence in order to curb Annie's then growing desire for her. It didn't work then, and it sure as hell isn't 'curbing' anything now either.
And when Eren, despite knowing her feelings towards anniversaries, despite knowing she wasn't thrilled about the previous surprise, surprises her anyway during their real anniversary with a homemade dinner and a potted succulent-which she has at one point expressed is cute, and which is obvious is his idea of flowers without being overt about it-she's had enough. It's not much at all, but it adds significance at a point where it shouldn't be added. His birthday is at the end of March, and she's just counting days. But Mikasa, Mikasa at least, she needs to know where they're at. On the third Sunday since Armin's unfortunate announcement, she corners Mikasa in the kitchen while Eren is in the washroom. She grabs Mikasa's arm, but Mikasa yanks it back.
"What are you doing?" Mikasa hisses lowly, eyes darting to where the washroom is.
"Can we talk?" Annie presses, trying not to be bothered by Mikasa's rejection of her touch.
"Not now."
She feels her irritation grow. "Then when? We've been at this for three weeks, Mikasa."
Mikasa doesn't look at her, keeping her eyes and ears to the bathroom door. "That's a long time to you? We've been going on behind Eren's back for months, Annie."
She knows she should be worried about the door too, but she needs answers more than anything right now. "How much longer does this have to go on?"
"I don't know! For as long as it takes. Three weeks isn't going suddenly make this okay, or make Armin just forget his suspicions."
"I get that. I'm not asking for things to go back to how they were. I just want to talk once!"
Mikasa finally turns to her at that, and the look she gets is so many things at once. Anger, exasperation, helplessness, and with a sigh through gritted teeth Mikasa steers them to the other side of the kitchen, where they can't see the bathroom door. They'll hear the door, but Eren won't see them before they do.
"Fine, talk."
Numerous protest rises to her throat because here, now, the two minutes or less before Eren will inevitably come out is absolutely not the right time. But none of those words, or the things she actually wants to say, leaves her mouth as she stares into Mikasa's eyes, as she realizes that none of those words are the right things to say. For her, Armin's suspicions is a source of dread and annoyance at most, a thorn in her side at the worst possible time making things more complicated than they need be. But in Mikasa's eyes she sees fear and guilt. Mikasa has truly been spooked by Armin's snooping, and is retreating so completely entirely because of this.
Of course. If they are found out, she will always have the option of simply breaking up and cutting herself off from Eren. But Mikasa can never have that option. Mikasa will not even want it. It's likely, that ever since she sent that text to Mikasa confirming that Armin is on to something, Mikasa has been panicking. Doing all she can to sidetrack him. Beating herself up for allowing things to come this far. Bertholdt is right. She should end it sooner rather than later so she can take the heat off of Mikasa, so that she can divert the attention to herself. But instead, all she's been thinking of is what would happen to them after the break up, what is going on with them right now after that night, what she could do to make Mikasa want this more, the terrible timing in which this is happening and how irritated she is at Mikasa's distancing. Not once did it cross her mind how badly this is affecting Mikasa. How badly it could affect Mikasa.
Of course. She's selfish like that. Always have been. And Mikasa knows it too.
"Well? Aren't you going to say anything?" Mikasa seethes.
She falters, sensing the anger permeating from Mikasa. She drops her gaze, shaking her head. "No, never mind. Sorry."
For a moment Mikasa just stands there, and she wonders what's going through Mikasa's head. Whether she's regretting being so harsh or she's deliberating whether to be harsher. But eventually Mikasa storms right out of the kitchen, and just before the bathroom door opens. She shuts up about wanting to talk after that and just counts the days. Mikasa may be protecting herself first and foremost, but in doing so, she's also protecting Annie. And if Annie isn't even thinking to extend the same to Mikasa, then she doesn't deserve Mikasa's efforts.
"At this point, it can no longer be painless for any of you," Bertholdt tells her.
She looks at him manning the counter from her seat behind it. "That's true from the start. There was never a point where it would have been painless. It would probably only hurt less, and only one person. Maybe."
"Do you wish you ended it there?"
"It would have been simpler," she sighs, pulling her legs up to herself. "But, it's only because I didn't do that that I got to know Mikasa at all. That I fell for her. I can't regret that."
Bertholdt turns to smile at her comfortingly. "Is she still not talking to you?"
She shakes her head at that. "I'm staying away too. She's...she's angry. And I don't know how to deal with it. Nothing good ever comes when we try to talk while either of us is angry. We just end up pissing each other off even more."
"Then what happens after that? How does it end?"
"How does it end?" she repeats with a slight frown, but then she get the question. "Oh, she backs down I guess. She apologizes. Or we just give it some time."
"So what should you do when she's angry?"
She rolls her eyes at him. "You're treating me like a child. I know that, but I can't apologize for what she's angry about, can I? What good does it do? It won't solve this shit."
He keeps up his smile, going over to take a seat next to her. There seems to be a lull in the patrons anyway that he can afford to take some time. But as he settles in, she gives him a pointed look to head off any attempts from him to pat her head. He then keeps his hands dutifully on his knees.
"Sometimes, even though saying sorry doesn't fix anything, or if you can't even properly express the depth of the things you're sorry about, saying it still informs the other party of how you feel. It informs them that you're remorseful. And if there is a genuine reason they're upset, then they'll understand. So I do not believe that there is no value in letting your feelings be known."
She stares at him, at his meaningful words, and then she nudges him with her shoulder. "What have you been reading?"
He chuckles. "Books on how to be a wise old man."
She snorts, but any reply she might have is pushed aside by the internal door connected to the kitchen opening before them.
"Oy Bert," Reiner calls as he enters the counter area, stopping short when he sees Bertholdt and her sitting together. "Annie? When did you get here? Why didn't anyone tell me?" His chagrin at how he had no idea she's been there for close to an hour now is amusing to see. But then he takes a seat and join them too, the lull in customers meaning he has some time as well. He crosses his arms and scrutinizes them both. "Why am I getting the feeling like I've been excluded?"
Bertholdt immediately excuses himself to man the empty counter. She rolls her eyes again, tossing a paper ball at his back. Then she turns to Reiner. "No one is excluding you. You were just in the kitchen, that's all."
"Really?" he says, raising an eyebrow skeptically. But she doesn't budge, meeting his eyes with her own glare, and eventually he sighs. "Well okay. Come to think of it though, you've been coming around quite often lately. Trouble in paradise?"
Reiner phrases the last question in a half joking, half serious manner and from her periphery, she sees Bertholdt's shoulders stiffening. She has to wonder how, when he's that obvious, has he kept her secret all this time. Her shoulders have gone stiff too, but at least she has her back against the chair.
"Why do you always tie my presence here to that?" she questions in return.
He shrugs. "You stopped coming here when you first got together with Eren, so what else am I supposed to think from your sudden frequent appearance?"
"That I miss you?"
"Aw, embracing your mushiness, are you?" Reiner beams, extending both his arms in an attempt to hug. She swiftly karate chops his wrists. "Ow!"
"Don't push it," she warns.
He soothes his wrists in faux sulkiness. "You are really uncute sometimes," he teases. "Maybe that's why it took you so long to get into a proper relationship. Eren must have strange tastes."
"Rei—Reiner!" Bertholdt calls out abruptly. "Don't you need to get back to the kitchen?"
"Huh?" Reiner rears his head up, looking over the counter into the restaurant grounds. "Did new customers arrive?"
"No, but just to...well, make sure everything is going fine?"
"What? I'm sure if the kitchen's burning someone will let me know," Reiner frowns, and she takes the opportunity to shoot a small smile followed by a shake of her head to Bertholdt, grateful for his efforts but that it's fine. Bertholdt promptly keeps him mouth shut. Reiner blinks, clearly confused, but he doesn't let that distract him. "So anyway, as I was saying, trouble in paradise? It's just hit the one year mark, right? That's a milestone."
Thankfully, she remembers exactly what he told her before about this topic. "Yes, it's just hit one year. As for the rest of your question, mind your own business, Reiner."
He smiles, clearly remembering it too. "All right, all right. No prying for me."
She does wonder however, in light of what Bertholdt told her about the both of them and their subtle matchmaking of her and Eren, if she really would receive another fix-it solution if she brought up a random problem. She's almost tempted to try too, but no, it wouldn't be right to let him misinterpret what is going on, or to use her relationship with Eren like that. He most definitely would have a lot to say once the truth comes out though, so she supposes she can witness it then.
"Let's try another question then," Reiner starts again, and she eagerly latches on to the subject change. "I hear Eren wants to throw you a birthday party."
"Mine and his together," she corrects. "They're only eight days apart after all."
"Right. And it's going to be in a bar?"
She nods. "The one he used to work in. Since he knows the owner, he reserved the entire place for one night."
"Nice! Talk about workplace perks. Why'd he stop working there?" Reiner asks.
"He has a really low tolerance for alcohol."
Reiner barks out a laugh. "Really? No wonder I haven't ever seen him drink much. Well, sounds like it'll be a fun party. Looking forward to it."
So is she. She's counting the days to it. Once that's done, there are still a few more days after, because they're holding the party in between hers and his birthdays, so after his actual birthday, and maybe a week or two more as buffer, then she can finally put an end to this. And this time, she'll do the right thing. Because Mikasa is right. Armin will never un-notice the things he has, no matter how long they keep apart. The moment he sees something, his suspicions will just come back in full force. So their relationship will never be able to go back to the way it was before. Which is just as well. They both know from the start that it has to end at some point, that it cannot go on forever. Might as well be now, while she still has the chance to choose how to end it. So enough selfishness. Put Mikasa first, spare her the pain, and end this. What happens afterwards, is afterwards.
So she counts the days.
She hadn't realized until now, how much Mikasa has become a part of her life. It's not even the distance and separation that bothers her, or the free time she suddenly has, or the sex she's not having. They've done periods of distance before, whenever Mikasa goes into detachment or whenever Eren expects her to be around a lot. It's because this time, Mikasa actually wants the distance and separation. It's because their feelings are now at a disconnect. It's because there is no guarantee of something to be gained, or resumed, after the separation. It's because this has to happen now, just after the progress she felt they made on Mikasa's birthday. She dreams of it often, of all the things that happened that night. And she'll wake in the morning with phantom sensations of Mikasa touching her so intimately, of Mikasa's heat on her thigh, of Mikasa's fingers intertwined with hers, and the knowledge that she has to stay away, that she cannot seek Mikasa for relief, that maybe they're just over, that's what bothers her. The loss of what it could have become, that is what leaves her feeling empty and hollow.
When the day of the party rolls around, she is almost relieved. Now she's one step closer to the end, maybe the end of them too, but it also means no more pretending. No more cheating. It prevents a worst outcome. And maybe after, she'll finally be able to work things out with Mikasa so she takes whatever solace she can from there. It helps mask the hurt and disappointment when on her actual birthday, the only thing she got from Mikasa is a text saying happy birthday and nothing else. Perhaps they'll be able to share some words once the bar fills up, once they're surrounded by a mass of people as their cover, but she doesn't hope too hard for it. It would be pathetic to hinge her mood entirely on Mikasa after all.
The party starts up slowly, and fills up slowly too. To her surprise, Mikasa isn't even there yet when she and Eren arrive together as the birthday persons, so the first half an hour at least is her introducing the rest of her friends to Eren. She's not thrilled about the further widening of the social circle, but considering that most of her 'friends' are college acquaintances at best who are really here because Reiner invited them rather than being any persons of significance to her, and the fact that she's probably not going to see these people again until next year, or never, it's not too much of a problem. But through the growing crowd, she spots a couple who actually are her friends, or at least, she actually has their contact numbers. They spot her too, and immediately one bounces right over.
"Annie! Happy birthday, girl!" Hitch exclaims, already hugging her before she could react. But as she's dislodging herself to introduce Hitch to Eren next to her, Hitch once again beats her to it before she could get a word out. Keeping one arm wrapped around her shoulder despite her attempts to dislodge, Hitch smirks at Eren. "You must be the boyfriend. I'm Hitch Dreyse, Annie's college dorm mate. And former benefits friend."
Annie almost chokes. Only Hitch would ever think to say that during an introduction. And judging by Eren's startled look, it had the desired effect. "Hitch—"
Hitch is suddenly pulled away from her, and she sees a hand holding on to Hitch's arm in a firm grip.
"Hitch," Marlowe reprimands, "why would you say something like that?" Then he turns to look down at her with a smile. "Happy belated birthday, Annie." She nods. He is as towering as she remembers, and he turns now to Eren, extending his other hand. "You must be Eren. I'm Marlowe Freudenberg, Annie's friend from college."
Eren takes his hand, relaxing a little. "Eren Yeager. Nice to meet you, Marlowe. And you too, Hitch."
Hitch smirks wider. "Likewise. I wasn't kidding, by the way."
Eren only looks stumped again in return. "Oh, um..."
Marlowe ends up interceding once more, giving Hitch's arm another tug before changing the subject. Somehow, he manages to get Eren to take him to the bar to get drinks, and also introduce him to his friends. Marlowe looks back at Hitch. "Coming along?"
"Later," Hitch replies. "Get me a drink though."
Annie watches Hitch watching Marlowe go as she raises her eyebrows. Something about them feels different from the moment she saw them, which she initially attributed to the simple fact that it's been a while since they last met. But the way Hitch is looking at Marlowe, she knows that look. And so she's fairly certain she can't be wrong. "You two are a couple."
Hitch actually turns sheepish at her statement, which is a confirmation in itself. "Well, yes. That's true."
She almost cannot believe it. Because it's Hitch. "I didn't think Marlowe was your type."
"He wasn't," Hitch agrees, snickering. "I mean, you know him. So straight laced. And with that bowl cut too. He wouldn't even have sex with me until we got together," she says as though the very notion is scandalous. "But I guess no one ever knows these things. One day I just realized that I wasn't teasing him just for fun."
Hitch's face takes on an almost soft glow as she speaks of Marlowe, and Annie wonders if that glow is the same one Bertholdt saw on her when she spoke to him about Mikasa. Because like Bertholdt, she's never seen this expression on Hitch before, and she finds she can't feel anything but happy for her. It's a situation that sounds much like hers too, in that she never expected to feel for Mikasa like this. One day she woke up, and everything is just different. If only unexpected is the worse of their issues.
"I'm happy for you, Hitch."
Hitch immediately scowls. "What is with this so unlike you dialogue?"
She shrugs helplessly. "I am."
"Got a man and it turned you mellow, huh?" Hitch teases, and then she wraps her arm around Annie's shoulder again. "Well come on. Let's get something to drink. There's apparently a free flow of beer. And you can tell me all about him."
Hitch's grip is vice, and she finds herself forcibly dragged along unless she's willing to twist some wrists. It's not like she wants to talk about Eren, her boyfriend only for another month at most, but it's not like she has anything else to do either, so she goes along. She'll just have to steer Hitch into talking about Marlowe instead. It flies by her notice then when Mikasa finally arrives, only that she's on her second beer when suddenly Mikasa is there, with Sasha, Connie and Jean in tow, wishing her happy birthday and giving her presents. She accepts them graciously, introduces them to Hitch who doesn't mess around this time, and then the group is gone.
She ends up not having the chance to speak to Mikasa after all, just as she predicted. Not because there isn't a crowd big enough to cover them, or even her awareness that Armin might be watching, but because for some reason or the other, Mikasa stays with the group she arrived with all night. She cycles through several groups herself throughout the night, first with Hitch and Marlowe, and then briefly with her other college acquaintances, and then settling down with Reiner and Bertholdt, before finally rejoining Eren, and still Mikasa hasn't once left her initial group. Something about it makes her uneasy even as she can't quite pinpoint what exactly it is, but there are no answers she can figure out on her own, so she puts it aside, reminding herself not to stare and simply stay by Eren's side.
Eren is quieter than usual, however, nursing his third beer, although the colour of his face tells her that he might have had something stronger before this. Despite that his eyes don't waver as they fixedly stare at a certain point in the room and when she follows it she finds that it is Mikasa's table at the corner. Sasha and Connie are nowhere to be seen, though the dance floor is likely, leaving just Mikasa with Jean at the table. Her sense of uneasiness balloons, and she bites her cheek as she watches the two seemingly engrossed in conversation, with Mikasa leaning in to hear Jean over all the noise and the music. Jean then scoots closer and Annie takes a deep breath.
"Maybe it's Jean."
Eren's voice snaps her out of her death glare as she realizes she's also death gripping her beer mug. She releases her hold and exhales, but luckily Eren is still looking at Mikasa's table. "What are you talking about?"
Eren turns to her. "Remember what Armin said? That Mikasa is seeing someone? Maybe it's Jean."
She turns to look at the table again, but nothing has changed. Jean is still sitting closer than she feels is necessary, and he and Mikasa are both still engrossed in conversation. Her throat tightens up and she takes another deep breath to keep it open. "Just because they're talking?"
"No, not just that...ah, right. You don't know," Eren says, and she raises an eyebrow at his claim of something that she doesn't know. The way he's talking, she's not sure she wants to know. But Eren simply keeps going, unaware of her thoughts. "Jean likes Mikasa. Has always had the biggest crush on her since our college days. He's probably in love with her."
She death grips the mug again. "Oh. He is?"
"Yeah. She never returned the interest though," he nods, taking a swig of his beer. "Although," he adds with a chuckle, "the funniest thing is, he had a real shot with her once, if not for a string of bad luck. They've slept together once you know."
Her uneasiness spikes further, and now there's a bitter taste too at the back of her throat. Clenching and unclenching her fists, she tells herself to remain calm as she steals a peek at the table. So it's Jean. "What happened?"
"Hm? Oh, with Mikasa?" It seems she's right that he's had something stronger, as his voice is slurring just slightly. "She and Jean are both English majors in college, and at the end of their last semester there was a party for all the language majors. So neither I nor Armin was there right? But she went for it! Jean must have been thrilled. Anyway, he got her some drinks and let me tell you, Mikasa can drink. And she's really conscious of her body's reactions, like she'll know when she's about to get sick even before the symptoms show, that sort of thing. So when she drank that drink, she immediately knew something was wrong."
She tenses, already seeing where this is going. Mikasa said she doesn't remember a thing of how her first time went because she was so drunk when it happened, but no matter how drunk she was, total memory loss seems unlikely. Unless— "It was spiked? Did he spike it?"
Eren slaps his hand on the counter. "That's what I thought too! I was so angry, and so ready to beat the life out of him, but no, Mikasa said it wasn't Jean. She watched him picking up the drinks and bringing it over. There wasn't a chance for him to tamper with it. What really convinced me is that Jean got really woozy after he drank his drink too. There's no sense in spiking his own drink so it's either they got the spiked drinks by accident, or it was intentional to get Jean out of the way and get to Mikasa. Or it could be the other way round honestly. Someone wanted to get to Jean and make sure Mikasa stays out of the way."
"Jean had a lot of admirers?"
"Enemies, more like. He's always been a bit of an arrogant ass, so maybe someone wanted to teach him a lesson?" he says, taking another gulp of his beer as she grimaces at what the 'lesson' would have been. "Anyway, doesn't matter. Nothing like that happened. Mikasa noticed immediately that something was wrong and got them both out of there. Jean's place at that time was pretty close by, so she managed to get them there but everything after that, neither of them remembers. When they woke up in the morning though, it's clear that they had sex. So regardless of how it happened, Jean had slept with his crush. He could easily just confess and turn that into a relationship, right?"
Annie frowns at that, not quite agreeing with Eren's logic. Because if Mikasa doesn't like Jean in the same way, wouldn't any relationship that forms in the aftermath of their drugged sex be more of an obligation or an effort to make worth an event that they're not responsible for? Then she freezes, sensing the bitterness in her throat swell as she suddenly realizes that the same can be said about her current relationship with Mikasa. Because while Mikasa wasn't unwilling at the start, she sure as hell didn't like it, yet they continue. What if continuing, and that it's becoming more and more like a relationship, is Mikasa's way of making worth out of situation she doesn't like? She tries to swallow the bitterness, releasing the breath she's holding, and glances at Mikasa across the room.
But surely Mikasa wouldn't do that. She looks back at Eren before her. "Why didn't that happen?"
"Well, two things, mostly. First, there was a rumor going around at the time that Jean is gay, like 100% gay. And the funniest part is that he himself was unaware of this rumor going around, so after what happened, Mikasa actually felt really bad that she slept with him, that he'd be troubled over having slept with a girl," Eren answers with a laugh. "I bet the only thing that troubled Jean is that he can't remember what they did." He downs the rest of the beer in his mug and sighs. "Then the second thing is that they had unprotected sex. So Mikasa was really distressed over the possibility that she could have gotten pregnant. And she would have kept it, she made that clear. So she really wasn't in the right state for Jean to confess his feelings, and putting aside the fact that I disagree with him on many things, Jean's a decent guy. He knew that too. So he kept his feelings out of it and instead told her he'd take responsibility and take care of her and the baby."
"But she didn't get pregnant." Of course, otherwise there would be a Mikasa Jr. somewhere.
"Yup, obviously. After about a month it became clear that she wasn't, so she told Jean that there was no longer any need for him to stick around, because she was still under the impression that he's gay, and that he's doing it all because of responsibility. So she honestly though she was freeing him from it. She told him he's a great friend, that she really appreciates all that he's done, that she's glad it was him she accidentally slept with, all that basically. And after that, Jean said that he couldn't tell the truth. It was awkward or something, because she thought so highly of him," Eren explains with a shrug. "Eventually Jean caught wind of that rumor and corrected it, that he's 100% straight, but I don't think Mikasa made the connection."
He signals the bartender for another mug, and she has half a mind to stop him, because it's already seeming like he won't be able to get home on his own later, but instead she turns to the table to look at the pair. She has never gotten the sense that Mikasa and Jean are in any way close, but there is history, and there is feelings. That is more than enough to cross the distance. She watches, while emptying her own mug of beer, as Sasha and Connie return to the table. But instead of sitting down, they each take hold of one of the seated two and pulls them up, apparently encouraging them to dance.
"Oh, they're dancing," Eren remarks, which is quite impressive considering his state of sobriety. Evidently, he's sober enough to also smile at what he sees. "Well, if Jean is really the person Mikasa is dating, then that's good. She deserves someone who cares for her like he does."
And not someone who's selfish like her, probably. She exhales heavily, turning her gaze away when Jean wraps an arm around Mikasa's waist after several awkward bumps and drifts. Letting her empty mug hit the counter loudly, she looks to Eren. "Want to dance too?"
It turns out she's right about his state of sobriety, for he lasts only about ten minutes on the dance floor where it's less dance, and more leaning on her for support while making out to the cheers and whistles of the crowd, before they have to bow out. She sits him at the bar for the rest of the night but unfortunately, she couldn't prevent him from imbibing any more alcohol when the bartender offers both him and her a drink on the house. Her, a Jager Bomb, because. And him, she doesn't know. Something blue, probably because of her eyes. By the end of it, he's positively drunk, and she has to have Reiner help carry him to the exit. That's when Mikasa finally, finally, leaves Jean's side and comes around.
"I'll take him home," Mikasa states, already taking Eren from Reiner. And then Armin appears as well, and Mikasa turns to him. "Armin, can you make sure everything wraps up over here?"
"Of course. Don't worry. You just take Eren home," he replies.
Reiner, freed of his load, looks to her instead. "And what about you Annie? I think Bert and I will stick around, help Armin out in wrapping everything up on your behalf so you can leave if you want. Eren's out cold too, so you shouldn't need to do any work either."
"Thanks Reiner," she says, watching Armin helping Mikasa carry Eren to her car. "I'll be going then." And then she jogs over to the trio and grabs the door handle that Armin was just about to grab. "Let me," she says to him. "I'll accompany Eren home."
She briefly wonders, as she's sitting in the front passenger seat, if that was a good idea. But Mikasa agreed easily, and the few times she caught sight of Armin in the bar, just like Eren, he seems far more preoccupied watching Mikasa and Jean rather than watching her. It seems they were all watching Mikasa and Jean. All wondering the same thing. But she knows that isn't true. She stares at Mikasa as she drives, remembers her and Jean sitting close together, remembers Jean's arm around her waist, remembers Eren's story, and she shuts her eyes with a sigh. It isn't true, but she can't make that uneasy feeling, the feeling that she now has a name for, go away.
Instead, she glances behind to where Eren is belted in on the backseat, his head leaning on the door. She can't tell if he's sleeping, or semi-conscious, or fully conscious but trying to sleep, but she errs on the side of caution, and assumes that he will be able to hear anything said. Now is not the time to talk, but at least she has this moment in the car. It's familiar, and comforting, and it doesn't matter that Mikasa is being her usual conscientious self, it doesn't matter that Mikasa hasn't so much as looked her way even once. That Mikasa agreed so easily to have her come along, she can only assume that Mikasa wants this moment too.
"I'll drop you off first," Mikasa speaks up suddenly.
She looks from Eren to Mikasa. "Isn't his place closer? I can help you get him inside."
Mikasa shakes her head. "I'm taking him to my place, or staying over at his, I haven't decided. I'm not leaving him alone though, and I'll need to make him something for the massive hangover he's bound to have tomorrow."
That has her glancing back again. Mikasa's doing her mothering thing, which Eren hates, so if he's even semi-conscious, he would be retorting right about now. But he hasn't moved from his previous position. And she isn't taking chances. "Eren." He doesn't stir. She tries again, a little louder. "Eren."
"What are you doing?" Mikasa asks with the slightest note of irritation. "Is there something you absolutely must say to him now? He's asleep, even if he wakes, I doubt he's going to remember what you said. So wait until tomorrow."
Mikasa surely knows better than her about Eren's reaction to alcohol, so Annie takes her word for it. That, and she certainly doesn't want to exacerbate that irritation. She turns back to the front and settles into her seat. "He knows his tolerance is weak. Why did he drink so much?"
"It's his birthday party. He can be a bit indulgent."
"It's my birthday party too. Can I be indulgent?"
Mikasa's brow creases and her answer is tentative. "Of course you can."
She'll have to see about that. "I heard about you and Jean." Just saying his name makes her think of it all again, of them sitting close together, of them dancing together, and that feeling that won't go away flares up.
Mikasa's eyes slide over to her. Just briefly. Because the car is still in motion. "You did?"
"Yeah. Eren told me," she replies. "He also said it's good if you two are dating. That you deserve someone like Jean." She tries to keep the uneasiness out of her voice, but it does come out a little biting, particularly around Jean's name. Mikasa doesn't respond in any intelligible way however, she only hums, which can mean so many things and nothing at the same time. Annie takes in a breath. "So Jean was your first."
This time Mikasa nods. "Yes."
But that is the only answer Mikasa offers and it does nothing to halt her uneasiness from swelling, to wash that bitterness from her throat. Rationally she knows that Mikasa's silence doesn't necessarily mean anything, because there is nothing going on with her and Jean, so there is nothing to say. Jean is a cover, Mikasa doesn't need to tell her that for her to figure it out, and seeing how much Armin is watching them it's working. So she knows that, but the silence makes her doubt. It makes her question what if? Because there is history, and there is feelings, and Jean is a far better person than her, and Mikasa is well aware of that. Rationality amounts to nothing in the face of this what if. In Mikasa's silence, her doubt grows deafening.
She shifts in her seat, hating this. She should be enjoying this moment she has, she wants to enjoy this moment she has, but the doubt clouds over everything else. If only Mikasa would offer something else. Reassurance, perhaps. But maybe Mikasa doesn't see the sense in doing that. Because like she herself figured, maybe it should be obvious that Jean is a cover, so there's no need to explain it. There is no need to offer reassurance. That doesn't mean that she doesn't need it, or that she can't seek it out on her own. She drops her gaze to where one of Mikasa's hands rest on the gear. It doesn't need to be there as it's an automatic car. Maybe it's comfortable, maybe it's a habit, or maybe it's an opening.
It's a dangerous assumption to make, because she remembers Mikasa yanking her arm away the last time they touched. And just before that, their touching reached a level of intimacy like never before. The discrepancy between the two is too extreme. She doesn't know what it would do to her if Mikasa yanks her hand away again. But now that she's thinking it, now that she's looking at Mikasa's hand on the gear, she realizes that she can't not do it. She can't not try. If Mikasa yanks it away, that just means the situation is unchanged. But if Mikasa doesn't, if she gets to grasp Mikasa's hand once more, then that is worth it. Squaring her shoulders for steadiness, she looks at Mikasa to gauge her reaction as she extends her hand towards the gear and very lightly places it upon Mikasa's.
Instantly, Mikasa draws in a quick breath and Annie feels the hand beneath hers going stiff. But unlike her worst fears, Mikasa doesn't pull away. She doesn't look at her either, or do anything to acknowledge their contact. She doesn't rotate her wrist so that they may be palm to palm and like they did that morning. She doesn't spread her fingers to they may intertwine them like that day on the floor. Mikasa just keeps facing forward as she drives, but Annie does feel Mikasa's hand slowly relaxing in her grip, and it emboldens her to give it a squeeze, to wrap her fingers around its form. Despite that Mikasa keeps it there still, and this silence drowns out her doubt. There is no uncertainty in the feel of Mikasa's skin and the heat of Mikasa's flesh. So she luxuriates in it, and in the trilling that blooms in her chest.
But it all ends too soon when Mikasa wordlessly slips her hand out from under hers to assist her other hand in making a sharp turn on the road, and then keeps her hand on the wheel for the rest of the journey. Annie gets the message, even if she doesn't understand why, even if the switching is upsetting, and she folds her arms over her chest for the rest of the drive up until she needs it to open the door. Once she's in her house she sighs, not bothering to turn any of her lights on as she lies down on the couch with her hand over her eyes. Mikasa was civil enough wishing her good night at the drop off, but to her it just adds to her confusion and not for the first time, she wishes that Mikasa isn't like this. That Mikasa would stop veering from kindness to detachment and back again. Be kind, or be cold, but don't be both. Granted, they only got this far because Mikasa veers, but at this point it's just cruel. If Mikasa isn't okay with the hand holding, then just pull away from the start. Allowing it for a while, allowing her to be hopeful at what it means only to then pull the rug out from under her feet does nothing but mess with her feelings.
She presses her hand against her eyes and just breathes through the heaviness in her head that is probably part Mikasa and part beer. She doesn't know how long she lies there on the couch in that not awake and not asleep state but what finally snaps her out of it is two rapid knocks on her door. Not her doorbell, but physical knocks. She hastily sits up, eyes going to her clock and goosebumps creeping up her neck when she sees that it's almost three in the morning. Who on earth would be at her door at this hour? She checks her phone then to make sure she hasn't missed any messages by potential visitors, but there is nothing. Just as she stands up, wondering if she should ignore it or take a peep, the knocks sound again. Twice rapidly, like the first time, but softer. And she's suddenly reminded of long hours sitting by the door, waiting, listening, only to be liberated by knocks just like these.
She's certain then, who it is. Anybody can knock the door like that, but she knows it. It cannot be anyone else. She strides up to the door, swinging it open without hesitation. And she is rewarded for her certainty.
"Mikasa."
"Don't do that again."
—is the first thing Mikasa says, her words muffled into the scarf around her neck, not even looking at Annie but instead on the ground, with her hands stuffed in the pockets of her coat. There's an edge in Mikasa's voice, and it instantly dampens Annie's elation.
"What?"
Mikasa's shoulders tighten, and the edge turns into anger. "Eren was right there. What were you thinking?"
Not of Eren at all. And she's had it with how all their private conversations nowadays, hard enough to come by as it is, revolves around him. Doesn't address anything she wants it to address. Involves an angry Mikasa getting angrier at her. Well she's angry too. She's frustrated beyond belief. "You said he's asleep."
"I can't know that for sure," Mikasa snaps back, finally lifting her head to glare at her. "What if he heard us talking and woke up? What if he randomly woke up anyway? What if he was never asleep but just too out of it to say anything?"
She tries to reason, gripping the doorknob to keep herself in check. "If he's too out of it to say anything, then he's too out of it to see anything."
"We can't know that for sure!"
Mikasa's raised voice stuns her and takes the wind off her sails. She blinks back at the sight of Mikasa's glower, at the hint of bared teeth, as the depth of Mikasa's anger startles her. The anger, and the fear motivating it. Her stomach sinks at the realization that not only was she not thinking of Eren, she wasn't thinking of Mikasa either. Of what would happen if, like Mikasa said, Eren actually saw them holding hands. Once again, she's only thinking of herself. Of how uneasy she felt, and how much she wanted Mikasa to assuage it. The truth shames her and she drops her eyes as her frustration deflates, but in its place she doesn't know what to do. How to defuse Mikasa's anger. She's never known how to do that.
"I'm sorry." Apologizing is about the only thing she can do, and it won't change anything. "I wasn't thinking." But perhaps, like Bertholdt said, Mikasa simply needs to know that she's remorseful. "Clearly. I'm sorry."
It works, and Mikasa's shoulders instantly slumps as Mikasa heaves a harsh sigh. With it goes the furious edge, but not the simmering distress. "Don't do that again."
"I won't."
Mikasa seems to accept that answer and she looks down once more, her body seemingly relaxing as she takes quieter breaths. Annie waits for Mikasa to calm, waits for Mikasa to speak again, but when long seconds pass in silence, longs seconds that turns into an uncomfortable minute of silence, she swallows and breaks it.
"Is that all you came here to say?"
Mikasa's answer comes after several more seconds of silence. "Yes."
Annie frowns slightly, because it's three in the morning, and Mikasa said previously that she wanted to stay with Eren. "You could have just texted me that," she says, because that should be the logical course of action. But that Mikasa took the illogical one, that Mikasa is showing such a distinct discrepancy between her words and her actions, that Mikasa is now not responding the her logical suggestion, makes her heart flutter for what it could mean. She doesn't want to be hopeful, because that hope could hurt her, but she doesn't know how else is she supposed to interpret this. She cannot see why else Mikasa would be here personally. "Do you...want to come in?"
"No!" Mikasa's reply is sharp and quick this time, and it startles Annie again after the long silence. Mikasa immediately notices however and she softens, stepping back. "No. I don't want to come in."
"Okay," Annie replies just as quickly. The answer is not unexpected, but it is confusing, just like everything else. "All right. I was just asking."
Mikasa raises her eyes then, and it seems like she might have something else she wants to say, like she's deliberating whether to say it. But eventually, after another sequence of long silent seconds, what leaves her mouth is a sigh and a farewell. "I have to go. Good night."
She grips the doorknob not to reach out and grab at Mikasa, similarly biting her tongue not to call out Mikasa's name, and merely watches as Mikasa promptly turns and leaves, her figure growing smaller as she walks down the hallway. Now is an opportunity for them to talk without fear, without interruption, and Mikasa is already here. But that would be selfish. That would be her imposing her will again, and she's had enough of that. Mikasa didn't come here to talk. She retreats back inside her house and closes the door even before she sees the last of Mikasa, and she tells herself this is the right thing to do. To stop pressuring Mikasa. To stop being so selfish. But her knuckles are white on the doorknob and even after she slides down to the floor with her back against the door, even after she forces herself to sit there long enough for Mikasa to have left, her desire to burst out and chase Mikasa down, to ask Mikasa to stay, is a churning ball in her gut that never leaves.
End Note: So, just because I think some people might be wondering, I want to clarify that Jean really didn't spike Mikasa's drink (and pretended to be woozy himself). So it really was accidental. Jean's a decent guy, and although I don't ship Jeankasa myself, it's a nice ship.
Also, I love Jager Bombs. And Marlowe/Hitch.
Also, is there a 'right' or 'best' timing to break up, or should Annie really have just cut it as soon as possible?
Final also. Once again, I'm not sure if I can update next chapter in a week. I hate to make promises I can't keep, and to disappoint those who expect the update, so I'll say it first that it might not go up. The thing is, if I update next chapter on time, it means that I might delay the last chapter instead, which doesn't feel right as the last chapter is merely resolution, mostly. The climatic part will be in the next chapter. So for best experience I would like to have these two chapters out with a week apart instead of two weeks apart. I ask for your understanding and I apologize for taking longer and longer to update. Thank you for your patience!