14

"Stop."

Edward's heart broke as he turned his attention to his baby sister. Laid up in her hospital bed, she looked even more fragile now that she was awake. There was a darkness in her eyes, a hollowness that almost brought Edward to his knees.

"Hey, Pix," Edward murmured, taking a step toward her, but stopped when Alice pushed herself up in the bed like she was trying to get away from him. "Hey, it's okay."

"Stop," she said again, this time her voice breaking. "Stop being here. Stop caring about me. Just fucking stop already!"

"Pix, calm down," Carlisle said, moving to the far side of Alice's bed.

She screamed, grabbing either side of her head with her hands. The door to her room flew open and both Edward and Carlisle looked back, finding Esme standing there with wide eyes full of fear and sadness. Without a word, she turned and rushed down the hallway.

"Leave," Alice choked out, drawing their attention back to her. "Just leave me alone. Please, just let me die!"

"No, Pix," Edward said, this time with more sharpness than he intended. "You can't give up like this."

"LEAVE!" she screamed, her fingers yanking and pulling on her hair. "LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!"

The door to her room was once again opened, this time by Jasper. Like Esme, his eyes were wide and full of fear, but unlike her, there was hope and love. He pushed Edward out of the way and climbed into bed next to Alice, cradling her against his chest.

"Shh, darlin," he murmured. "I've got you."

Alice started sobbing, her thoughts and words forgotten as she lost herself in the arms of her lover.

Edward motioned for Carlisle to follow him out of the room. While he was still angry at his brother, he realized that he'd been expecting too much from Carlisle. Their parents had died and suddenly, Carlisle had been tasked with more responsibility than a man of twenty-six should have been. Alice had been hurt in the accident, her body marred by the flames that took their parents' lives. And then there was Edward.

He'd been angry at his mother and father for dying. Angry that he'd been given her heart, that he hadn't been allowed to died and be with them again. He'd just been angry. He tried to hide it, mask it, but he failed. He expected more from Carlisle, ignored the signs that Carlisle was losing his shit. Even when he first found out about the cutting, he cursed Carlisle for not being strong enough, for daring to compare his pain to Edward's. After all, it had been Edward who stole their mother's heart.

"I don't know what to do anymore," Edward admitted, saying the words for the first time. "I . . . I just don't know."

"Me either," Carlisle whimpered, drawing Edward's attention to him. "I never meant for things to get so out of control like this. You have to believe me."

"I do," Edward admitted. "But I can't do this anymore, Car. I can't be the only one trying to keep everyone together. It's exhausting."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I'll do better. I promise."

Edward wanted to believe him, more than anything in the world, but he didn't. Carlisle always promised to do better, to be better, but he wasn't. And Edward had come to realize he probably never would.

"Edward."

At the sound of his name being called, he looked over his shoulder and found Dr. Cameron standing in the entrance to the waiting room with Emmett and Rose behind him.

"She's awake," Edward said. "She's awake and she's mad because we didn't let her die. Because I didn't let her die. She's fucking mad because I saved her!"

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down," Dr. Cameron said, rushing over to him and placing his hands on Edward's shoulders. "She's just angry. I'm going to page Dr. King and let him know that Alice is awake. I want you and Bella to go outside and get some fresh air."

And when Edward began to protest, Dr. Cameron clamped his hand over Edward's mouth. "Doctor's orders. You need to take a few minutes for yourself. I will make sure Alice is okay until you get back."

Though he was reluctant to leave, especially with Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Rose hovering like they were, Edward nodded his head in agreement.

"Good. Now, scoot," Dr. Cameron said with a faint smile.

Edward turned and reached for Bella, who immediately took hold of his hand. Neither spoke as they left their family with Dr. Cameron, as they rode the elevator to the lobby, or even as they walked out of the hospital for the first time in hours. The air was bitter cold, yet felt good at the same time.

"We should leave," Edward said as they sat on a stone bench just outside the front doors. "We should get a cab and go back to Seattle and just . . . shit, I don't know, forget everyone and just be us."

"Hmm, we could do nothing but study and make love," Bella cooed. "Mostly making love, of course."

"Of course." Edward wrapped his arm around her waist, tucking her against him. "But we can't do that, can we?"

Bella shook her head.

"Didn't think so."

"Did you know that Emmett and Rose can't have a baby?" Bella asked.

"No," he said, his eyes widening. "Have they been trying?"

"For a couple years now apparently. She had some tests done and they say it's unlikely that she'll ever be able to conceive. They didn't tell us, of course. We're too fragile to be in the loop."

"God damn it," Edward swore under his breath.

"Maybe we shouldn't have left Forks," Bella said, softly. "Maybe it was selfish of us to go to school, to want to live on our own like normal people. We've never been normal. Why start now?"

"Yeah, maybe," Edward admitted. "But don't we deserve the chance to just be Bella and Edward?"

"Apparently not."

Edward frowned. "I never wanted to come back to Chicago. As hard as it was to leave, staying after the accident was harder. There were too many memories. Hardly any of them good. Being back here is especially difficult. The last time I walked out of this hospital, my mother's heart was beating in my chest and she was dead. Pix . . . Pix . . ."

Edward shook his head, tears sliding down his face without care. "She doesn't want to live. She's ready to just give up and die and I can't do anything about that."

"No, you can't," she agreed, leaning her head against his shoulder. "It's cold out here."

"I don't know what to do, Bella. I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Neither do I, but we'll figure it out together. Like we do everything."

"Promise?"

Bella tilted her head back and smiled. "With everything I have."

Leaning down, Edward brushed his lips across hers. "Let go inside. My balls are starting to shrivel."

Bella laughed, but grabbed Edward's hand as she stood. He followed her inside, wanting to feel more confident that everything would be okay, but the feeling just wasn't there. The fact was Alice wanted to die, and for the first time, Edward couldn't save her.

—WH—

Tense was the only way to describe the feeling as Edward and Bella joined their families in the waiting room. Everyone with the exception of Jasper, who was still with Alice, was seated in utter silence. Emmett had his arm around Rose, who was trying hard not to cry, to be strong. She had once been someone to be brutally honest with Edward, telling him that he had to take care of himself. He had tried, but the second he and Bella tried to have their own lives, everything fell apart.

Carlisle and Esme were seated in the far corner of the room, away from Emmett and Rose. Edward could see the guilt on his face. He worried that Alice's suicide attempt would push Carlisle over the edge, that he would turn to self-harm again. It was a worry Edward felt he shouldn't bear, but he did. Like everything else he worried about.

"Dr. King come yet?" he asked, choosing a couple seats between where Carlisle and Esme sat and Emmett and Rose were.

"He's in with Pix now," Carlisle said, dragging his hand over his face and through his hair. "Dr. Cameron said he'd run some test on you. Said you'd been feeling some pressure in your chest again."

Edward sighed, but didn't say anything.

"Why didn't you tell us, Edward?" Carlisle demanded, the eyes of everyone but Bella shifting to him.

"Because I knew it was nothing," he lied. To be honest, he had started to worry, especially as they had increased in pressure over the last few weeks.

"And he knew—we knew—that you'd freak out," Bella added, sliding her arm with his and wrapping her fingers around his forearm. "Like you always do. Why do you think we were so determined to leave Forks and go to school in Seattle? We were—we are—tired of always being treated like we were about to fall apart. It's frustrating."

"So we care too much," Emmett said, nodding his head. "We're wrong because we care too much."

"That's not what I said," Bella argued.

"Sure it is," Rose grumbled. "We were the ones who were there, Butterbean, when you first got sick, when you lost your voice. We learned sign language for you, to make life as normal as it could be."

"Normal?" Bella scoffed. "Normal girls don't lose their voices because of a tumor wrapping around their vocal chords. Normal girls don't have to live day after day never being able to truly tell anyone how they feel because they are mute freaks, who instead of getting to grieve the loss of her best friend's parents, and the tragic accident that stole her parents from her, she had to go through chemo and radiation and lose her hair and be a fucking freak!"

Edward wrapped his arm around Bella, who had gotten so upset, she was to the point of yelling and crying at the same time. "I'm sorry if not telling you about my episodes hurts your feelings, or whatever, but it's nothing. Just stress related, Dr. Cameron probably told you, which violates my rights as his patient."

"I did no such thing." Edward shifted his attention to the doorway of the waiting room, where Dr. Cameron stood with Dr. King and Jasper. "I simply asked how long Alice has being spiraling and if it correlated to when the pressure you felt started. I had no reason to believe that you hadn't told your brother about them."

Edward pressed his lips together, but didn't push the issue. What was the point? He would just be told how irresponsible he was being with his health and how he owed everyone more than that. Same bullshit he had been told since he was a little boy.

"Is Pix okay?" he asked, ending the moment of silence that filled the room. Jasper, Dr. King, and Dr. Cameron shared a look before the three of them stepped into the room. "She is okay, right?"

"She seems to be all right physically. Her exposure to the cold and the medication she ingested haven't left any side effects," Dr. King stated.

"But?" Carlisle asked, standing and crossing the room so that he was standing on the other side of Bella.

"But mentally, emotionally, she's a bit of a mess," he admitted. "She's angry, bitter, and a danger to herself. I'm ordering that she be held on a seventy-two hour psych hold."

"You think she'd make another attempt on her life?" Emmett asked as he and Rose stood.

"Without a doubt."

The level of certainty in his words had Edward reaching for his chest. "So what do we do? Three days here isn't going to make everything okay."

"No, it won't," Dr. Cameron said, gesturing for everyone to have a seat.

Jasper looked defeated as he slipped into the chair two down from Rose, who reached for him. Jasper, however, pulled away, clearly not ready to forgive his sister any more than Edward could forgive his brother. Edward hated the bitterness inside him, but something was going to have to give and give soon.

"I know this isn't going to be easy for you to hear," Dr. Cameron continued, "but Dr. King and I think Alice needs more intensive treatment, somewhere safe. There's a facility, a treatment center over in Cicero, a level three center. I've done some work with them in the past, and think I can get her a bed. It would be for no less than ninety days, but could be more."

"You think we should have her committed?" Edward asked. The words hurt, yet a part of him knew they were right. Alice needed more help than they'd be able to give her.

"I wish this wasn't where we are, but Alice . . ." Dr. Cameron shook his head as he scooted to the edge of his chair. "Alice needs help. She needs someplace safe where she can begin to deal with the accident, the burns on her body, the death of your parents, and the guilt she feels."

"She feels guilty?" Carlisle asked as a look of horror filled his face and it took everything Edward had not to tell him to shut up and sit down.

"Of course she does," Edward scoffed, and turned his attention back to the doctors. "So, we just leave her here all by herself?"

"Well, we can look for treatment centers closer to Seattle, but to be honest, I'm not sure she needs to be back there for a while."

"Jas," Bella said, drawing his attention from the floor to her. "Jas, what do you think we should do?"

"What do I think?" he murmured with a shake of his head. "I think everyone, with the exception of you and Edward, should get on their knees and beg Alice to forgive them. Beg her until you feel as worthless and pathetic as she does. And then, I think she should tell them to fuck off, that she doesn't need them because she knows I'm taking care of her. But that's not going to happen because Alice believes that the world would be better off without her," he said, his words wavering as he spoke. "She'll go to the treatment center. She won't want to, but she'll go because I'll beg her to go, to help herself because I'm a selfish bastard who needs her too damn much. And I don't know if it will help, or if it will make shit worse. I just don't know, but I do know that no matter what, I'll be right here waiting for her, waiting to love her with every breath of air I take." Jasper pushed himself out of his chair. "So, yeah, that's what I think."

And without another word, Jasper left them sitting there knowing that Alice had to make the decision to keep fighting or to die. Edward just wasn't sure what side she'd choose, Jasper or not.