Chapter 12
25.12.08
The next day, I'm sitting on my couch, eating sandwiches all alone.
Well, not all alone as Jason is passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to him. He's snoring softly.
It's odd, really. He's so different than last night. Last night he was angry and rash. Now he's calm and sleeping.
Well, passed out, but close enough.
I sit there in silence – well, besides the soft snoring – and eat my sandwiches Caitlyn made me.
She had to go to school as she had a maths test she had to take.
Me? Well, I had the same test, but because of all that happened last night, I'm going to be staying home for a very long time, probably.
But, hey, getting beat up by your drunken brother and then have your other brother overdose and die right in front of you while telling you the biggest secret of your life is a good enough excuse for me.
Last night I cried myself to sleep while Caitlyn tried to hush me with her soothing words.
I feel bad that I kept her up all night. She must be exhausted. It was about six in the morning when I finally fell asleep. That means that Caitlyn got less than an hour of sleep.
Wow, I feel like a real asshole right now.
I turn on the TV and pop in my DVD of House.
I hear a faint moan and look over, only to see my drunken brother waking up.
"Well, good morning," I tell him through tightly clenched teeth.
"I… hate… that show," he says, turning away from the TV.
I sit there a second.
And then I get scared.
I'm all alone.
This is when I go crazy.
Fuck. I'm alone. I'm all alone.
And there's a dead person upstairs.
I flip a shit and hop up off the couch. I start pacing the floors.
Okay, no one's here. Except for my dead brother and my half-dead brother. I practically have no parents.
And I'm only fourteen.
What to do? Who do you call in a situation like this?
I look around a bit, wondering what to do, and I go over to the couch and see Jason there. I punch him as hard as I can and he jolts awake.
"What the fuck!?"
I fight back a sob as I say, "I hate you so much." I slap him across the face and then grab my coat, running outside.
I don't know where I'm going or why, but I limp as fast as I can down the road.
As I'm walking in a confused rage, I see Tess Tyler herself sitting on her front porch, crying.
I stop walking and go over to her. I sit down right next to her.
Right as she realizes I sat down next to her, she turns to me. "Nate?"
I just nod and don't say anything.
"Why are you here?" she asks, trying to hide the fact that she was crying.
I sigh and lay down on my back. "Because… I am so fucked."
Tess hits me lightly on my arm. "Well go away. You're not my friend."
I sit up and turn to her. "I know we're not friends, but here you are sitting on your front porch crying your eyes out. Face it, we're both fucked."
"Excuse me, but I am not fucked. I am perfectly alright."
I let out a huff of laughter. "Says the girl sitting on her porch crying her eyes out."
"I am not crying!"
"Yeah, then how do you explain that wetness that's coming out of your eyes?"
"It's my allergies. They act up in the winter."
"Yeah. In the winter. When all the plants are dead."
She scoffs.
"Let's play a game," I say, laying back down, "called 'whose life sucks the most.' I'll win."
Tess hesitates before lying down next to me.
"You start," I say.
"I don't know how to play this game."
"All you have to do is say why your life sucks the most. Whoever's life sucks the most is the winner. I always win."
"Well," Tess starts, "I just got kicked out of my house."
"Ouch. Why?"
"Because my parents hate me."
"Yeah? Why?"
"Because I'm not as perfect as they are."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, because I can't get a record deal and I'm failing all my classes."
"Story of my life."
"Oh, and my parents always tell me I'm too fat, and that's why I can't get signed."
"Well I think you're beautiful."
"Fuck you."
"Well your life does sound like it sucks."
"Mmm hmm… Why does your life suck more than mine?"
"Because I always seem to have the worst things happen to me. Like why can't I just live my life without all these horrible things happening?"
"I ask myself that all the time. So what things make your life worse than mine?"
"Brace yourself; this may be a novel."
"Well, it's not like I don't have time."
"Okay. So first of all, last night, I found out that Shane was the one who got Ella pregnant. And slipped me some ecstasy at this rave party he had. And then Jason found out and got drunk. So then he hit all of us – us being Caitlyn, Shane, and I – and threw glasses at us. And then I go upstairs into Shane's room and find him dead with an empty bottle of painkillers next to him. He took them all, that fool."
Tess turns to me. "Wow," she breathes.
"It's almost like… I'm drowning. I'm drowning on dry land and no one's ever gonna come rescue me."
"That… wow…"
"Yup," I say, sitting up. "I win.'"
And that's when Tess says something I never thought she'd ever say. "Nate… I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I made fun of you all those years. I never realized what you were going through."
"Face it," I say. "I'm so fucked beyond belief." I stand up. "Anyway, I'm gonna go home and probably get beat up by my older brother again. See you."
"It was nice talking to you," Tess says.
I give her a half smile before heading back home.
Right as I walk in the door, I go straight into the living room. I see Jason sitting on the couch with his head buried in his arms.
"The hangover headaches are the worse, eh?" I tell him.
He looks up at me, his eyes all red and puffy like he'd been crying. "Nate, I can't believe it."
"What? That drinking a gallon of vodka could give you such a migraine?"
"No," he says, and stands up. He points to the broken glass on the kitchen floor. "I can't believe that I did that."
"Well, you better believe it. I have a scar if you need proof."
"I am so, so, so sorry, Nate. I was just… so mad…"
"Shane told me…" I pause here to hold back some tears. "He told me to tell you he was sorry. For doing all those things."
"No. I should be apologizing to him. I shouldn't have acted that way. Where is he? I need to apologize."
"Upstairs," I say.
Jason puts his hands on my shoulders. "Nate, I love you."
"I don't know if I love you back."
Jason frowns. And he takes his hands off of me, shaking his head. He goes upstairs and I follow him.
I watch as he walks into the bathroom. I hear him gasp. "Shane!" he yells. "Shane, what did you do!?"
I go into the bathroom.
Jason is there, attempting to revive him with CPR.
"Jason. Give it up."
"No!" Jason says. "I can save him! He can't die!"
I go over and pull Jason off of him. "Jason, he's been dead for a couple of hours."
Jason looks absolutely horrified. "What are you talking about?"
"Jason, he killed himself last night."
"What? No… no, no, no, no. No, please, say it's not true! You have to be lying – you have to!"
"I'm not. I would have told you, but you ran off somewhere."
Jason stands up and shakes his head. "No, no, no, no. No! Nate, please! Tell me this is a dream!"
"Sadly, it's real."
Jason takes in and exhales shuddering breaths. "It's all… it's all my fault."
I don't want to say it, but it kinda is.
He falls down to the ground. "I am so sorry! It's all my fault! I shouldn't have done it again, Nate!" He stands up and clings onto me like one of those dead bugs on a windshield and cries. "I killed my baby brother… I can't… I can't do it anymore."
"Jason…"
"No. I can't deal with anything anymore. Please, Nate, kill me and make it look like an accident."
"Jason!" I scold.
Jason breaks down in sobs again.
"Jason, if you kill yourself, then I'll be alone."
He shakes his head. "I can't live with myself knowing what I did." Jason pushes me aside. "There has to be a knife in here somewhere…"
As horrible as that may seem, Jason's right. There probably is a knife around here.
"Jason, you can't just do that."
"Yes I can. I can and I will!" Jason crawls under the bed and looks under there.
"But if you do that, who will be here to take care of me?" I ask. "Jason, don't be selfish!"
Jason then finds a knife.
"Jason, if you kill yourself, I'll do something rash!"
He holds the knife up in the air. "Good bye, cruel world!"
He's such a drama queen…
"I love you, Nate," he says and hugs me.
"No!" I scream, grabbing his arm.
"Let go of me!" Jason yells, trying to twist away from my grip.
I let out a cry when I grab the blade of the knife and it digs into my palm. I throw it over in the corner. "You do not get to quit on me. You do not get to leave me here all alone!"
"I have to, Nate; it hurts too much."
Where the hell have I heard this before? Like Déjà-vu.
"No, no, no. You can't quit yet!"I cry. "Please! Don't go! Don't leave me like everyone else did!"
"I am so, so sorry Nate. I love you so much."
"Jason, don't you dare kill yourself!"
Jason puts the knife up to his arm.
"If you really loved me you wouldn't do it… STOP!" I start to cry. "JUST STOP IT!"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Jason yells.
He slashes vertically and falls to the ground, dropping the knife.
"No!" I scream, kneeling down next to him. "Jason, wake up! You can't… you can't… Don't…" I start crying. "Don't… don't walk away. I don't want to be alone!"
When Jason doesn't say anything back, I break down in sobs and collapse.
I put my head down on his chest, but he has no heart beat. I wrap my arms around his life-less body. It's frozen.
Everything suddenly turned cold.
My face, my fingers.
My whole body. Frozen.
I couldn't feel anything anymore. The blood that was pouring out of my open wound stopped – frozen – and I was numb.
It seemed as if time had stopped and I was the only one still moving.
"Jason, I hate you! How could you? How could you do this to me?!"
And I lay there on the bedroom floor, letting my brother's shirt soak up my tears.
But this time, I really was all alone.
Trembling, I grab the knife and hold it against my wrist.
It's so cold.
It feels like an icicle on my flesh.
Do I really want to do this?
Without even giving it a second thought, I cut all the way down my arm as quickly as I can.
Don't Walk Away...