I woke to a bright light hitting my eyelids. My first thought was that the aliens were trying to take me again, but when I opened my eyes they were met with sunlight. I looked at the clock. 9:00a.m. That created some confusion.
Isn't it a weekday? Shouldn't there be school today? I looked at my phone to see a text from my mom.
No school today due to earthquakes. Butters' parents brought over his clothes. I'm glad you finally found someone to talk to.
I smiled. Figures my mom would notice my talking. She really is too good for my dad. My mother is the only other person I can talk to. I have a very close bond with her.
I looked down at Butters, who was still sleeping peacefully next to me. I closed my eyes, trying to gauge how much I had recovered from using the sight yesterday.
Hm. My head doesn't hurt anymore, and I don't feel weak. My vision isn't blurry, and I can move my body and focus my eyes with no trouble. I smiled to myself. This is good. Despite the alien abduction, I still managed to recover almost completely. I should still be careful, though. My train of thought was suddenly derailed when I heard a tired mumble from the little blond next to me.
"Sage…" I opened my eyes to see Butters staring at me with half-closed eyes, just waking up. When our eyes met, he smiled and pressed his forehead to mine. "How are you feeling?"
I smiled back. "I feel much better. Thank you for everything." I said, placing my lips to his forehead. Butters turned bright red at the affectionate gesture, but there was a happy smile on his face.
"I'm glad, Sage. So, do you want to play with us after school?" he asked me hopefully.
"No school today. There was an earthquake last night and school's been cancelled until further notice because of it." I replied.
Butters' eyes widened. "E-E-Earthquake?!" he cried.
"Yes, but don't worry. No one got hurt." I assured him, already knowing what his fear was. He sighed with relief, resting his head against mine once more.
"So, shall we join the other humans?" I asked the blond, removing the covers from both of us. Butters grumbled, hugging me tighter and burying his face in the crook of my neck, mumbling something about "cold" and "bright". At my urging, he finally let go, and I jumped off the bed, with Butters crawling after me.
Just as my mother had said, Butters' clothes were sitting outside my door. After we got changed and put our costumes on, we prepared to head out. However, before that…
"Butters." I said, catching the paladin's attention, "Around the others, I must ask that you refer to me by my designated nickname."
Butters looked at me, confused. "You…want me to call you Douchebag?" he asked. I nodded. "Why?"
"Like my voice, my name is only revealed to people I trust. Of course, I can't keep it hidden once school starts back, but until then…"
"…okay…" Butters mumbled, clearly not fond of the idea, "But when we're alone…?"
"You may call me whatever you want while we're alone. Also, I won't be talking like this in public, so you're going to have to translate for me again." I smiled at that last part. Butters smiled, too.
"Oh gosh, Sage. I'd love to!" he said before clearing his throat, "I mean." He knelt in front of me. "Your word is my command, my lord."
I nodded, walking to the front door, with Butters right behind me. However, right as I opened the door, who else would come barging in but Mr. Grand Wizard himself.
"Oh…my god!" he cried, not even waiting for permission to enter, "They came out of nowhere! There was a huge earthquake and then, and then there was burning in my yard!"
"Woah! Calm down, Eric!" Butters said to the rambling fatass.
"But didn't you guys hear about it?" Cartman continued, "It's all over the news! Here, look!" he said, grabbing the remote from my table and turning on the television. Immediately, images of burning fields appeared on the screen.
"…and that a large earthquake and several fires in the South Park area last night woke many from their sleep. Here with a report is a midget in a bikini." the news anchor said before the screen cut to a midget wearing a pink bikini and holding a microphone.
"Tom, government workers here are assuring everyone nothing out of the ordinary has happened. They claim that the only reason huge tents have gone up to cover this area is to mask the construction of a new Taco Bell, which will open sometime later this month." All the while, in the background, was the UFO I had crashed last night. I had known that the government was going to try to cover it up, but I had thought they'd try a little bit harder to do so. The tactic they were using, however, seemed to be working.
"Thanks, midget. I do love me some Taco Bell." the news anchor, Tom, said, "The mayor of South Park states that last night's tremors and fires are under control and that hopefully schools and businesses can open again soon."
I couldn't help but stare in awe at the stupidity of the news people in this town. Those tents didn't even come close to covering the UFO. It could still clearly be seen by anyone. I was snapped out of my thoughts when Cartman spoke again.
"It's horrible! You don't understand! The elves…they took the Stick!" he cried, slamming his staff on the floor, "And it's bullshit, because that's totally cheating! We specifically said no trying to take the Stick at night! Elves are dirty little liars, and we have to lay waste to their entire base!"
"Hey, calm down, Eric." Butters said again, "Are you sure the elves-"
"Not now, Butters." Cartman cut him off, before doing a double-take, "Butters? What are you doing here?"
Butters drew back. "Well S- I mean, Douchebag was hurt bad during the raid yesterday, so his parents asked me to stay here to help him." Butters stuttered, turning red at almost giving away my name. Cartman, however, didn't notice, and thought the blush meant something else entirely.
"Oooooh. I see. You "helped" him, huh? Heh heh heh." He laughed, grinning knowingly, "I guess the elves aren't the only ones with a pair of Super Best Butt-Buddies anymore." He then addressed me again before Butters could respond.
"You have an incredible ability to make friends quickly, Sir Douchebag. I'm sending you out into the lands of Zaron to recruit a whole other faction to Kupa Keep. Find the Goth Kids, and give them this letter. Get them to join our kingdom and we shall lay waste to the drow elves once and for all!" he commanded me, walking back out the door while muttering, "Fucking cheaters."
"Goodbye, fatass" I thought as I closed the door and turned to Butters. My eyes widened when I saw him sitting on the couch, crying.
"What's wrong, Butters?" I asked him quietly, standing in front of him. He looked at me, his eyes clouded by tears.
"I-I'm sorry, S-Sage." he sobbed.
I tilted my head. "No need to apologize. I expected you to accidentally call me by my name at least a few times. You can't get it right all the time." I assured him.
"Not about that!" Butters yelled, causing me to step back, "Because I was here, everyone's gonna think we're having sex! And then, you're gonna hate me, and then-"
I pressed my lips to his, cutting off his paranoid rant and silencing his cries. He closed his eyes and pulled me closer in response. Once I felt his sobs fade, I released his mouth, although I didn't pull away completely.
"I already told you, teasing doesn't bother me." I told him, looking straight into his shimmering eyes, "Besides, once they find out we're dating, or perhaps even before, they're gonna start spreading those kinds of rumors anyway. Don't let them get to you."
Butters nodded and wiped his eyes, sniffling.
"And by the way, I know you and Tweek are really good friends, which is good, but you really shouldn't follow his example that much." I added, winking. When Butters looked at me in confusion, I explained, "That rant sounded a lot like something Tweek would come up with."
Butters thought for a moment, then his eyes widened in realization and he burst out laughing. I smiled, glad that I got him to smile. Wiping away the last of his tears, I offered him my hand, which he gladly took.
"Now, let's go find these "Goth Kids" and take back the Stick of Truth." I said, leading Butters to the door.
Butters nodded, although he didn't seem to like the idea of finding the Goths. "The Goth Kids usually hang out behind the school." he told me, "They just sit there all day, smoking and drinking coffee and just being miserable."
"Greeeeeeat." I thought sarcastically as Butters and I headed for the school. Once we got there, Butters directed me to a gate to the right of the school that led to the back. There, I came across four kids, three of them around my age and one that appeared to be a few years younger. They were dressed completely in black, and one of them had red dye in his hair. They were all wearing black eyeliner and were smoking cigarettes. So these are the Goth Kids.
"Who's that?" the guy with the red in his hair asked when I approached. Butters stayed back at the front of the school, not wanting to be anywhere near the Goth group.
"I think it's that new kid people are talking about." a girl, the only girl in the group, replied.
"Beat it, New Kid. This area is strictly for Goth Kids." The tallest, and oldest, member of the group commanded me. He was likely the leader.
I took out the letter that Cartman had given me to give to the Goth Kids and handed it to the kid nearest to me. He took a look at it before passing it around to the others, ending with the tallest member, who looked at it more closely.
"What's this?" he asked, looking at the letter and reading it aloud, "Join the Kingdom of Kupa Keep to battle the wicked elves. All recruits welcome." He then crumpled it up and threw it away, addressing me in a bored drawl, "Sorry, Frodo. We don't play Dungeons & Douchebags."
"Yeah, beat it, New Kid." the guy nearest to me added, flipping his dyed hair out of his eyes. Yep. Definitely the leader.
The youngest member then spoke up. "Aw, come on! Let's do it! We never do anything!"
"No way!" the leader exclaimed, "We can't do what this kid asks us to. He's a conformist. Look at his clothes and his hair!"
I raised an eyebrow, although not enough for them to see. My hair looks more like yours than most people's, and I'm walking around in a thief costume. That doesn't seem very conformist to me.
The guy with the red in his hair addressed me again. "Yeah, tell you what, New Kid. Get the right clothes and some cigarettes and coffee and then talk to us again."
"Yeah, if you want to prove that you aren't a conformist, then you have to look EXACTLY like we do. Then, maybe, we'll consider hanging out with you." the leader added, shooing me away.
But then wouldn't I be conforming to YOUR ideals? I glared at them, again unseen, before turning around and returning to the front of the school, where Butters was waiting for me.
"So? How'd it go?" he asked me. I pointed to my clothes, then in the direction of the Goth Kids' hangout. Butters' eyes widened. "Y-You have to dress like a Goth Kid?!" I nodded, before acting like I was holding a mug while I put my middle and index finger to my lips. Butters gasped. "AND you have to get cigarettes and coffee?!" he finished, looking horrified. I nodded again, then patted his shoulder, assuring him that I wouldn't actually turn into a Goth Kid. He sighed with relief.
According to Butters, I could get cigarettes from a group of sixth graders next to Jimbo's Guns. After that, we bought Goth clothes from a homeless guy (I didn't ask) and black eyeliner from Tom's Rhinoplasty. Since my hair already looked like a Goth's, all I had to do was re-style it slightly (Butters had fun with that). We then headed for Tweeks Bros, chatting briefly with Tweek and Craig, who were working in the back (or, rather, Tweek and Butters chatted while Craig and I silently communicated with one another). Butters, after checking briefly with me, confessed to the other two that he and I were together, to which both of the other boys were happy (and more than a little bit envious) to hear. After they left, we bought some coffee from Tweek's father and headed back out, only to find ourselves surrounded by elves.
"There he is!" one of the elves called as the group gathered around us.
"New Kid!" another elf approached me cautiously, holding a hammer out in front of him, "The Elf King has requested your presence. You can either come quietly, or you can fight, but I'm warning you, fighting this battle at this point in the game is a complete waste of time, and you might as well skip it and just come with us."
I glared at the elves, taking my battle stance. I recognized many of these elves; I had faced them in battle before, and won easily. The lead elf narrowed his eyes in annoyance.
"We thought you might try that." he said, snapping his fingers. At that signal, two of the elves grabbed Butters, one of them holding a knife to his throat. My eyes widened. Butters!
"Now, I'll say this one more time." the lead elf said again, more confidently this time, "Either you can come quietly, or you can fight. But if you choose to fight, you'll be alone, and I can't guarantee the paladin's safety."
"Don't do it, Douchebag!" Butters yelled. I looked at him sadly. I can't let you get hurt. I put my dagger away and held up my now-empty hands.
"You chose wisely, New Kid." one of the elves said as he tied my hands behind my back, "Now come with us!"
I didn't move, glaring at the two elves that were holding Butters. The lead elf sighed.
"Let him go." he commanded, and the other two elves obeyed, releasing Butters. Butters attempted to grab his hammer, but I stepped forward, shaking my head.
"D-Douchebag…" Butters whimpered, looking at me worriedly. I smiled reassuringly, although only Butters could tell, and then turned back to the elves, allowing myself to be led away. Behind me, I could hear Butters running in the opposite direction, towards Kupa Keep.
After about 10 minutes of walking, we entered a greenish-gray house that was surprisingly near Catman's. In fact, it was only one house away. As I entered the backyard, I was immediately surrounded by a line of elves on both sides. They were all glaring at me, which I didn't find surprising at all. One of my captors held a spear to my back, forcing me to walk down the aisle that the elves had created. One of the elves was playing a marching band beat as I approached a platform at the end of the aisle. There were three elves on the platform. One of them was sitting on a throne, a crown of twigs attached to a green hat on his head and a red robe with golden patterns covering an orange jacket. To his side stood two other elves. One of the elves had poofy blond hair and a brown scarf. He didn't interest me. I then looked to my left and my eyes narrowed. That elf was wearing a blue armored helmet with a brownish-gray diamond in the middle of his forehead and a red feather at the top. He also wore a dark green cape and had a metallic broadsword at his side. Our eyes locked for a moment and flashed briefly in recognition. I then turned my attention back to the elf who was sitting on the throne, whom was undoubtedly the King of Elves.
"So, you're the New Kid everyone is talking about." he said, addressing me, "What's your name?" I remained silent.
The elf behind me spoke up. "He doesn't talk, Elf King. He thinks he's hot shit or something." I smirked. I AM hot shit.
The Elf King and the elf with the blue helmet exchanged glances. Then, the Elf King got up and walked down the platform's steps to face me. The elf with the blue helmet stiffened.
"You're playing for the wrong side, dude!" he yelled in my face before walking past me, his hands behind his back, "What did Wizard Fatass tell you? That we broke the rules last night and took the Stick? He's lying!" The Elf King's hatred for Cartman was obvious.
"Cartman is the one you should be fighting against!" the elf with the blue helmet added, although he was being far more cautious with his tone, "He's hiding the Stick-which is cheating- and is acting all sad and betrayed so that you will recruit more people for him."
The Elf King turned back to me. "We tracked a Twitter raven who says you are currently trying to recruit the Goths for the Wizard." he said, "Go recruit them, but bring them to us! Then we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all!" He then untied me and turned to the elf with the blue helmet (who I'm certain is his right-hand man).
"Ranger! Give the New Kid his weapons!" he commanded.
The Ranger looked unsure about his King's orders, but he nodded anyway, saluting, "As you wish, Elf King!" He brought me my daggers and bow, and as he handed them to me, we locked gazes again. Our eyes flashed again, unnoticed by the other elves, and we both nodded slightly in agreement. We both knew what had to be done.
The Ranger then returned to the Elf King's side, and the Elf King growled viciously, "And kid. If you betray us, we'll tell everyone you're a butthole!"
I narrowed my eyes, readying my dagger. Then, when the Elf King's back was turned and the elves started to disperse, I lunged.
"Kyle! Look out!" the Ranger yelled, jumping in front of him and blocking my strike.
"Stan!" the Elf King cried in shock, pulling out a golf club and commanding, "Elves! Attack!"
The elves gathered around us, but they didn't attack for fear of accidentally attacking the King's second-in-command. The Ranger glared at me, his right arm straining against my attack. He then raised his left arm, holding out his middle and index finger, and I did the same. We glared at each other, our eyes changing color faster than the elves could see.
Dragonborn. The Ranger's voice echoed in my head as a pair of bright violet eyes stared into mine.
Prophet Hubbarb. I thought back, my crimson eyes glowing brightly as we both thrust our arms forward, pressing our fingers to the each other's foreheads. As we flew backward from the simultaneous blows, both losing consciousness, we thought, in unison.
See you on the other side.