Chapter 14 – Decisions & Resolutions
AN: Please accept my apologies for not posting this sooner. Work has kept me busy as well as editing my brother's second book. Thank you to my faithful reviewers. I'm pleased to know that you are happy with the progress of this story. I can't express how much your comments and reviews mean to me. I'm speechless. Thanks to Kpfan72491, hstrywlk, pIm-ChAn, FamBam, ana, Tea4e, wonderishome, Nai987, LACR, jmjames, Shellibug, Lord-of-Oceans-Poseidon, pumpkinking5, J, A fan, IcyPinkLemonade, pistonsfans75, and guests . This chapter will have MockingJay, Jimmy, Peeta and Katniss' POVs and is rated R for foul language. I don't own The Hunger Games.
MockingJay POV ––
I debated for an hour whether to pay Haymitch a visit the next day. I should have waited a day or two considering the reception I received.
"Shit, Mitch," I shouted as pain radiated from my stomach and behind my eyes. When I opened his front door he suckered punch me in the stomach as his form of greeting. "What the fuck––" I expected some kind of angry response from him so the punch on the stomach surprised me.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?" he seethed with fury. I have never seen such anger from him. "Why, Jay?"
"You have to be more specific with your question?" I replied back at him as I placed a hand on my sore stomach. I wasn't being coy I needed clarification to his question.
"Why would you put Peeta in the spotlight like that?" I sighed. Interrupting Snow was a risky move but it was the best opportunity to get a message sent to all of Panem. Sending it during Snow telecast was perfect timing. "I get that it was necessary but you could have telecast the video without Peeta in it." He ran a hand from the top of his head to the back of his neck his face red from fury.
"We needed inspiration," I said I as panted through my mouth for much needed air. I wasn't saying that the other footage of families thrown out of their homes wasn't less important or dramatic but seeing a young boy tortured because he was protecting the girl he loved from a Peacekeeper. What else could be more inspiring or motivating than that?
"Well your idea of inspiration has done nothing but put a target on his back," he reeled back in anger his teeth gnashed together. "That's the third time Peeta has been sent to the Justice Building."
"I knew he would," I said. That incident was what I needed to start a fire––a fire that would motivate Panem. I had not meant to hurl Peeta in the limelight catching Snow's attention.
"You son of bitch." I didn't flinched as the look of betrayal and hurt cross Haymitch's face. He took another step as if he was about to belt me with his fist as he clenched both hands to his side. "That kid has suffered enough trauma in his short life."
"Listen, Mitch." I took a deep breath. I understood Haymitch's concern for Peeta's welfare but that young man was stronger than he realized to have stood up to Ivan, Cray and Snow.
"What the hell are you doing? Jimmy wants to kill you, Katniss is pissed," he ranted. "There is a list of people who want to skin your hide. If everyone ever finds out who you are, they'll––"
"I know what I'm doing. Just listen to me for a second."
"No, I'm not listening to you justify placing Peeta and Katniss is danger like that. There is nothing in the world that can convince me that what you did was okay." I debated for days when the video was constructed and edited. Putting Peeta in the video was a last minute addition. "Snow basically threatened Peeta in his face, Jay."
I never thought that Snow would confront Peeta. I meant to use him for a good cause. His strength and character was more than inspiring. I saw Panem in Peeta––he strong, brave and resilient standing against a bully bigger than himself. His incident angered and invigorated me.
I was tired of years that stretched before us with Snow and the Capitol ruling over us like we animals in a farm ready to be slaughtered at their whim. I was tired of not finding a foothold on the rebellion. People wavered in their commitment to fight Snow. We lacked passion and conviction qualities that I saw in Peeta, Katniss and even Gale. We needed that kind of fire. They were our hope and our future.
"I'm sorry for that." I was but what's done I done. I was sorry for placing Peeta in dangerous situation. Every one of us had a place and a voice in this world. We just never stood up to be seen or heard. Peeta's ordeal put a fire inside me that I haven't felt for a long time. He was my inspiration to fight again.
"They're just kids, Jay," he returned.
"We were all just kids once too, Mitch," I uttered back. I was lucky to have survived my reaping years and Mitch was lucky to have survived his games.
"You know," he started. "We've been planning and strategizing for years trying to figure out when and how to get this revolution started. Each year that passed I was losing hope but…seeing Peeta, Katniss, Rye and Gale…now we're sending kids to dangerous missions. Now we're using them to be our 'inspiration' to go to war. Oh my God, Jay. We're sending young children to their death." I knew he was talking about as we're rallying young men and women to fight with us.
"Children from every district have been sent to their deaths, Mitch for every year that we don't fight Snow."
"Then what's worse, sending 24 innocent children to the games or thousands in a war we're not sure we can win," he voiced. "God help us if we lose––"
"You can't think like that," I said.
"Well, you never had to mentor babies to go the arena knowing that you're sealing their fate. No matter how much training you give them there will always be someone smarter and stronger than them. There is only so much hope you can give them only to realize it's futile. We don't raise and train killers or warriors."
"You're right," I agreed with him. "But you don't know what it's like watching and waiting for your children to be called. Knowing that there was nothing you could do stop it. But in my lifetime, I want to know that I gave them a fighting chance. That I did what I could to help them survive and live the life they deserve."
"Don't you think I want that too?" Mitch fired back. "But at what cost? Do we need to sacrifice Peeta and Katniss to free Panem from Snow and the Capitol? Do we have to have their blood in our hands to get what we want? I'm up for an uprising against Snow but using kids as motivation. I have to draw the line somewhere."
"Stop," I shouted. "Mitch, are you changing your mind? Is that what this is about?" Haymitch was quiet for a few seconds. By this time, he knew he was itching for a bottle of scotch to comfort him. I known Mitch for a long time that it was easy to predict his movements or tells.
"No," he said. "I told you that I would walk through fire for you, Jay," he muttered his voice was rough and raspy.
"But?" I sensed his reluctance.
"But that was before…" He stopped and closed his eyes.
"Don't start doubting yourself now, Mitch," I said. I needed him to stand by me. If he backed off others would follow. "The time is now. We have to strike because if we don't we don't know how many years until we have this opportunity again." Haymitch nodded his head. He knew I was right. He opened his eyes and stared into…nothingness. His eyes were glossy.
"I just…if we're going to war, Jay," he started. "I want to make sure that we give people the choice to join us not force them to fight a war they don't believe in. By adding that footage with Peeta, Snow thinks he's conspiring against him. The man is so paranoid that he thinks a sixteen-year old boy is a threat to him and the Capitol. "
"He thinks everyone is conspiring to kill him," I snorted. If it wasn't just anyone in the districts, it also could be anyone in the Capitol that wanted his wealth and power. He had many enemies.
"Well, he's paranoid period. My only beef is that you place Peeta in a dangerous position. Forcing him to fight with us––"
"How do you know that Peeta won't join us if given a choice?"
"For god's sake, Jay. The kid is only a hormonal sixteen years old boy. His main concern has been taking over his father's business if he survived the reaping and crushing on Katniss Everdeen."
"What's going on with you Mitch? You're never…been this uncertain or reluctant before? What's changed?"
"Before all this happened with Peeta, I never socialized with many people in the district," he admitted. He drank to ease his guilt from not being able to save his tributes. Each death haunted and tainted his soul. "I don't know why it matters to me now…this is why I stayed away from people," he said. "Now I'm emotionally involved with…" I knew whom he was referring to. Peeta Mellark. Haymitch saw too much of himself with young Mellark.
"Jimmy's family," he continued. "I've grown fond them especially his youngest son."
I chuckled. "I know. He's quite a charmer. I can see why girls adore him."
"I see kids like him, Jay. Peeta is naïve but smart, gentle and strong. He experienced so much abuse and anger in his life and yet he remained sweet and kind. I want kids like him to survive and have happy fulfilled lives." So at least were in agreement that we saw something in Peeta that struck an accord in us. His attachment to Peeta caused him to doubt his involvement with the Capitol since Snow has targeted him. For me Peeta was a shining example of why I'm fighting the Snow. "I'm even partial to the Everdeen girls especially the sulky and moody one." I laughed.
"Then fighting against the Capitol is worth it, don't you think? Kids like Peeta, Katniss and Prim, they deserve a fighting chance to live the life they deserve. Everyone deserves a life free from the Capitol and Snow's tyranny."
"I need a drink," Haymitch blurted as he walked over to a cabinet. "Who the hell––" I cringed as he turned around to face me. "Where's my bottle of scotch, Jay?"
"I didn't do anything to your bottle––"
"Don't lie to me. You and…are the only who has access to my house," he interjected. I wondered who else is privy to his home that knew where his liquor bottles were stored?
"Mitch, you need to stay focus and be sober," I reminded him. "We're so close now. Things are going to pick up." He sighed. "You can't be stinking drunk when hell breaks loose." His shoulders slumped and demeanor changed from anger to resignation.
"I don't need an intervention or a babysitter, Jay."
"I know that," I returned. "But I also know you, when you get really stressed you turn to the bottle. What if…one of them needs you?" Now that I knew his weakness I wasn't above to use it against him. "What if Peeta or Rye or any one of those kids you're worried about need you?" He flinched and scowled back at me.
"I also don't need you to make me feel guilty, you bastard." I shrugged my shoulders.
"Just a fair warning, Jay," he started as he sat down and leaned back onto the armchair. When Jimmy sees you, you better be run or prepared to duck because…I never seen him so mad in my life," he warned me. I wouldn't expect anything less from Jimmy had he done what I've done to his son.
"He'll calm down once––" Suddenly the video monitor turned on. "This is the voice of the MockingJay." The monitor was once again transmitting the message that disrupted Snow's announcement, the same video that televised Peeta's whipping from Cray.
"Oh, shit," I cursed.
"Jay, what the fuck?" he screamed.
"Mitch, I'm not…I'm not the one sending the video," I explained as my video continued to be broadcast. "Shit. District 13 must be sending it."
"How the hell…District 13?"
"I sent them the video to disrupt Snow's telecast last night," I explained. They had the technology to send the broadcast looping the message to transmit from an old satellite feed to disguise where the video was being transmitted. The Capitol would discover that it was transmitting from an island 500 miles away in the middle of the ocean.
"Panem, where are you loved ones tonight? Are they safe in your home? Are their bellies full?" The video continued to play.
My disguised voice filled the air. It sounded low and hollow. Every time I heard it, I felt disconnected that I forgot that it was I speaking with that voice. I cringed as I watched Peeta being whipped by Cray. That incident haunted me. I could never forget the feelings of rage and helplessness as the head peacekeeper took pleasure in whipping Peeta. I wanted to help him but there was little I could do without endangering my family and myself. I held my breath waiting for the broadcast to end when it repeated itself one more time.
"Shit, Jay. Jimmy is going to hit the roof." Haymitch looked pale as if he was going to throw up. "What are they doing? Fucking hell. How many times are they going to repeated it?"
I was loss for words. When I submitted the video to District 13, they promised me that they would telecast it at the appropriate time never revealing when it was going to be used. I never thought that they would repeat it televising it whenever they pleased. It was overkill as it repeated one more time. Finally the room fell silent. We both took a deep breath of relief.
When suddenly the front door crashed opened startling both Haymitch and me. "Speak of the devil," Haymitch said with amusement as the object of our conversation grabbed me by my shirt collar and slammed me against the wall.
Jimmy POV ––
"Peeta? What time did you get up?" I asked my son as he stood beside the metallic prep table. The table was worn with dings and scratches from years of use. It had been in the family bakery since it's opening more than hundred years ago. On one end was a plate etched with the name 'Orwell Mellark, founder of the Mellark Bakery.' An old faded photograph of him hung at storefront. I laughed to myself as I stared at my youngest son. He was in deep concentration as he kneaded dough with his strong hands. Every few minutes he would use his forearm to brush his long bangs that obstructed his eyes. He was in need of a haircut.
"Peeta, son?"
"Hey, dad," he returned. He had bags under his eyes and he looked a little pale against the morning light. "I made coffee and biscuits." He pointed to a small dining table. Several white mugs, a platter of biscuits were neatly placed on the surface with small dining plates and little plate of butter.
"You didn't answer my question," I stated as I noticed the prep table was crowded with four baking sheets and pans of loaves and cheese buns. I knew as soon as I woke up that someone was downstairs in the kitchen. The smell of bread, yeast and garlic permeated the air. He had to have been up hours before.
"I couldn't sleep," he explained.
After the Everdeens left last night I found Peeta restless as he paced around the second floor. He was nervous and anxious after his meeting his Snow.
Flashback –– The night before
"Peeta," I spoke his name. He jumped and was startled at my presence since the lights were dimmed. Rye and Delly were asleep in his room as I can hear him snoring. A few seconds later, I heard Delly scolding him.
"Rye, lie on your side." He responded back with an annoyed grunt but acquiesced to her demand. Normally I would have had Rye sleeping in Peeta's room but since their wedding was only two weeks away, I relented. Tonight taught me that time was precious. I thought I was going to lose Peeta a few hours ago. Delly sleeping with Rye in his room wasn't an important enough issue to argue over. They were after all engaged. As long as they behaved she could stay with him for the night.
"Dad," Peeta breathed through his mouth. "You scared me." He placed a hand on his chest.
"It's almost midnight," I said. "Why are you still up?" I reached over and turned on the lights.
"I couldn't sleep," he said as he brushed his neck with his hand. He wore a light blue pajama bottom with matching top. However, the shirt was unbuttoned. He looked tired and drawn.
His attire reminded me of when he was four as he refused to wear the pajama top claiming that it made him hot. So we made a compromise that the top would be left unbuttoned. If he had his way back then, he would have slept naked. I chuckled at the memory.
I also remembered at the age of four years, he contracted measles. My heart broke when he crawled onto my lap, lips quivering as sought comfort and love from me after he was shunned from his own mother. Since then he learned to not expect anything from her.
"You want me to make you some milk?" I was walked over to the kitchen but stopped.
"No, dad. Please don't bother." Since returning from the Justice Building he had been quiet. Too quiet. I had tried asking him what Snow wanted. He evaded my question by saying he was tired and wanted to lie down.
"Peeta, please talk to me," I begged him. "Please don't shut me out."
"I'm not…dad," he said. "I just…since I came back from the Everdeens, I've been having hard time remembering things."
"Like what?"
"Conversations, images in my head. I'm confused," he admitted.
"About what exactly?"
He blushed from neck to cheek. Hmm…that's interesting. "Nothing really important. Just things I thought I saw or heard but might just really imagined."
"Peeta, you know you can tell me anything, right?" I implored.
"I know, dad. I'm just not ready to talk about it," he said as he turned his eyes away. I knew he was talking about Katniss. Maybe it wasn't the right time to talk about her. No one told him what she said the night of the whipping. That she admitted they were together the night Ivan was murdered and they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn't think it was my place to tell him.
"Peeta, please tell me what Snow said to you." Snow admitted that Peeta was uncooperative when they spoke but I still didn't know what they discussed. "I want to know what you said to make him believe that you're a threat to him."
Peeta took a deep breath as he sat down on the sofa. I sat down next to him. "Peeta?"
"He talked for while asking me questions about my family, what we did for a living. People in the district." Okay, that wasn't too bad at least he didn't ask about––"
"Then he asked me if I knew anything about the MockingJay." I gasped in horror. My fear came to fruition. "He said that the MockingJay is in District 12. That he is hiding here amongst us. He wanted me to find out who is and in exchange…"
"What, Peeta? In exchange for what?" I asked in fear. My throat grew tight and dry as anger bubbled in me as well.
"He said that he would…would make sure that the people I'm close to…the people I love won't get hurt."
"Peeta?"
"I told President Snow that I didn't know who he is? I was too busy being whipped by Cray. All I have been doing is recovering from…my injuries. I told him that I know nothing about the rebels in the districts," he ranted as a look of fear marred his face. "What am I suppose to do, dad? He thinks that I know something…that MockingJay is here in 12." I wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Snow said that I needed to cooperate if I want to keep my family safe." Peeta leaned down as he cradled his head with his hands.
Oh my God, this was why he kept quiet. Snow had threatened him if he didn't do his bidding. The revelation was hard to believe. That was why he was quiet once Katniss and I joined him. This was a burden too heavy to bear for a young man. Peeta was ordered to spy on his own district.
"Peeta, you're going to be okay. I promise," I said. He shook his head.
"What am I suppose to do? I…I don't even know how to…what if I don't cooperate? He's going to hurt one of you…I know it. He'll go after Rye, Graham…Delly. Anyone who is close to me." Anyone close to him also included his friends like Prim and his fake girlfriend Katniss. "I don't know what to do…if I do what he says I'll endanger anyone who's involved with the rebellion and if I don't he'll hurt one of you."
"Peeta, you know about the rebellion?"
"I've known for a while, dad," he admitted. "I'm not completely oblivious to what's going on. I know he's here in 12. He's not some deep dark secret."
"Shit," I groused. Fucking MockingJay. He was the cause of Peeta's new turmoil and upheaval in his life. If it weren't for the video Snow would never have known of Peeta's existence. Now he's in danger.
"What am going to do," he said pain marred his young face.
"We'll figure something out, I swear Peeta." I didn't know how long I held him in my arms but minutes later he was asleep. I carried him into his room, laid him on his bed and opened a window. In his sleep he winced and moaned as if he was in a middle of a nightmare.
"Peeta, shh…it's okay. You're home safe with your family," I swore as I rifled my fingers through his messy hair. "You're safe Peeta. I'm right here. No one is going to ever hurt you again." Anger festered within me. I knew whom to blame for placing Peeta in a dangerous predicament. I waited until he quieted down and relaxed in his sleep. As I crept out the door, I made a vow that no one was going to use Peeta as Snow and Jay used him. I would die trying if it was the last thing I ever do.
End of Flashback ––
"Did you at least get a couple of hours before coming down?" I asked. What he had accomplished took at least three hours. That meant he was up around 3 in the morning.
"Yes, I think," he said as he shrugged his shoulder.
"Peeta!" I said in a concerned tone. So it basically meant that he slept for less than two hours before he headed down the bakery.
"I'm too wired and restless, dad," he admitted. He worried his lower lip with his teeth. "I'll take a nap this afternoon after…" His voice drifted.
"After what Peeta?" He made plans? He continued to knead dough with his fists pushing and grinding the soft pasty mass onto the steel table. There was tension on his shoulders.
"Katniss is coming over to talk to me." Yes, it was about time she confronted him. I knew that her feelings changed towards him. I could tell by the way she looked at him during dinner. There was softness in her eyes when she looked at him.
"That's…that's wonderful Peeta," I said excited for him. But as I looked at my youngest boy, he appeared pensive and uneasy. "It's good news, isn't it?" He had wanted to talk to her for years never finding the courage. Now, he looked like he was preparing himself for an execution. "What's wrong?"
"I…I don't know why suddenly she wants to talk to me. It's…not like we're friends or anything." He halted his movements as he lifted his hands from the dough he was kneading. "She already thanked me for saving her life. What is there to talk about?" He sighed. "She's so confusing. Why is she have so…complicated?
"Peeta," I laughed. "All girls are confusing and complicated. Especially the ones you like. They'll drive you mad to a point of distraction, but if you're lucky the girl you love loves you back. It's no better gift you've been given."
He mumbled something under his breath that sounded like 'I'm not that lucky,' but I wasn't certain. "What did you say?"
"When you met mom was she confusing and complicated?" His brows lifted on his forehead. I never told my boys the story of our courtship. It was hardly romantic to say the least. It had been a few months after Lily broke our engagement. Evelyn had just arrived from District 11. Her brother married a Merchant and she was visiting for a couple of weeks. She was attractive young woman with light brown hair in the shade of golden honey, pale flawless skin and green eyes. I was instantly attracted.
"Was it love at first sight? Did you like her the same way I liked Katniss when you first saw mom?"
My poor Peeta. He was a romantic boy that had loved his girl since he was five. Had he really thought that I fell for his mother the same way? He knew of my broken engagement to Katniss' mother.
"Oh, Peeta," I sighed. Do I admit to him that it was lust that attracted me to her? That love was the furthest thing in my mind but progressed slowly. A week before Evelyn's arrival Garrett Everdeen married Lily. I was still recovering from a broken heart, so no it wasn't love at first sight. It didn't mean I loved her any less for I wouldn't have married Evelyn if I had not loved her just the same.
"You can't base or compare my relationship with your mother and me." Peeta looked sad. I guess it wasn't the answer he had hoped to hear. "Katniss is not your mother and you're not me. You still have yet to experience a relationship on your terms and in your own way. What you'll experience will be different from mine."
"It doesn't matter anyway," he voiced as he returned to kneading the dough in front of him. "Katniss doesn't…it just doesn't matter. I guess I'm just like you not getting the girl you really wanted."
"Peeta." I turned him around. "Listen, I know you're confused but a lot has happened since that night," I started. "You've been whipped and drugged twice so I can imagine that a lot of things are not making any sense to you."
Like the fact that Katniss had a change of heart and she was scared to admit her attraction to him. I could see her struggling to find moments or ways to confront him of her newly developed feelings. It was obvious to every one except Peeta. Her rejections really hurt him and her admission that she wasn't in love with him finally broke him. He was not pleased that I had hired her to help out in the bakery. I could tell Peeta was finally giving up.
But I was not going to let him. So he needed a little push. "So when is Katniss coming over?"
"After breakfast, before lunch. I'm not sure." He shrugged his shoulder with ambivalence. He needed a boost but for the life of me I couldn't conjure anything to encourage him.
"Good morning, Peeta, dad," Delly appeared wearing a pair of sweats and t-shirt that belonged to Rye. The size of his clothes was so large that it dwarfed her frame. She was a welcomed addition to our family. She was perfect for Rye just as Katniss was perfect for Peeta.
"Hey, dad, Peeta. Wow, someone was up bright and early," he commented as they both walked over and helped themselves with a cup of coffee.
"So, is anyone going to tell me what happened last night?" Rye asked as he took a sip from his mug.
"Rye, I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this right now?" The subject was off limits with Peeta as far as he was concerned. I didn't think that he wanted to admit to Rye that Snow had basically threatened him. Knowing my son, he didn't want his brother to worry over him not when his wedding was only two weeks away.
"Why not? What happened?" he persisted. "I really hate it when you hide things from me."
"Rye, we're not hiding anything from you," I argued back. Just as I was to continue arguing with him Graham rushed through the room.
"Shit, dad," his voice boomed with fear and anger. He looked like a mess with his hair askew and his clothes wrinkled. "Peeta, oh my God, you're okay." He stood in front of little brother hands bracketing his shoulders. "I overhead one of the Peacekeepers this morning saying that they brought you in for questioning. They didn't hurt you, you're okay?"
"I'm okay, Graham," he reassured his older brother.
"What did President Snow want?" he asked. "God, I was up half the night worrying when I saw the video. Then to find out you were both taken to the Justice Building, I nearly went out of my mind. What happened?"
"Graham, please calm down," I sighed. "As you can see Peeta and I are all right. He just wanted to ask Peeta a few questions."
"Questions? What about? President Snow was here last night?" Graham asked in shock and disbelief.
"No, we were escorted to a room and spoke to him through the video monitor," I clarified. "He only wanted to talk to Peeta?"
"About? What did he want with Peeta?" Rye asked. I looked at my youngest wondering if he should tell them. "Well?"
"He wanted to know if I knew that the MockingJay was in District 12?" Peeta answered.
"Fuck," Graham swore.
"I told him I didn't know anything."
"Shit, Peeta," Rye added. "Did he believe you? I can't believe that he's here in 12." There was tinge of awe and disbelief in his voice.
"He has to be here," Graham added. "How else could he have recorded Peeta's incident with Cray? He is here in 12." I bit my tongue. It was dangerous to talk about MockingJay let alone know his true identity. How would my boys react when they found out he's from 12? Shocked, surprised, angry, proud or all the above?
"Nothing happened, okay. I'm all right," Peeta tried to assure them. "Everything is all right so don't fuss." He was getting frustrated and annoyed. I knew he didn't want to reveal the true nature of his meeting with Snow that he was ordered to spy for him, to find out the identity of the MockingJay. He was twisted up inside with guilt, fear and indecision. "Listen, dad and I are okay. There is nothing to worry about."
"What else did he want?" Graham looked at him skeptically. "There has got to be more than what you're telling us." What else could I saw to deter his suspicions? Suddenly, the video monitor turned on. Snow was sending another announcement? We all ran upstairs.
My stomach lurched as the MockingJay's video was displayed on screen. His voice permeated the air, 'cold and sick from exposure with nothing but their clothes on their back. Are your children crying because their bellies ache from starvation and dehydration?" Oh, please not again.
"You got to be kidding me?" Graham bellowed his eyes filled with anger and shock. "What the fuck?"
"Dad?" Peeta's soft voice caught my attention. I was filled with fury as I watch my youngest boy face's crumpled. He looked bewildered…no he looked scared.
"That fucking son of a bitch," I roared. The world turned red and I flew down the stairs and left the bakery ignoring the voices calling me.
It only took a few minutes for me to get to the Victor's Village. If anyone could answers my questions, it would be Haymitch. I barged into the room hoping that Haymitch could help me when I saw him." I saw nothing but red as images of Peeta's whipping flashed in my mind.
I grabbed 'him' by the collar pushing against the nearest wall. "You fucking bastard," I screamed. "Snow thinks Peeta's collaborating with the rebels. You put my son in danger." Spit and vitriol spew from my mouth. "How could you do that to him. You're a fucking coward hiding behind a boy to do your dirty work."
"Jimmy stop," Haymitch pleaded. "He didn't mean to put Peeta in danger."
"But he is, you fucking bastard," I cried out pressing Jay on to the wall. I've known Jay for most of my life. Heck, we went to school together. I even attended his wedding.
"I didn't mean to endanger Peeta's life," he said. "I only meant to use the footage so the Panem knows what's been happening in other districts."
"Fuck your resistance and rebellion against Snow," I spat. "You should have asked me or at least let us know what you were planning."
"You would have stopped me––"
"You're damn right I would have stopped you. You used Peeta. How'd you like it if I used your children, waved their faces at Snow? You not only endangered him but everyone he's close to. Everyone, Jay. Not just my family."
"I…I…I made a call for good cause. I didn't think that Snow would touch Peeta."
"But he did," I roared. I have never felt so angry fire burned in my belly as my head felt like it was bout to explode. My body shook uncontrollably. "Snow…Snow threatened him. Do you understand, Jay? He threatened my son all because of your damn video."
"What did he want?" Haymitch asked.
I breathed through my mouth, my eyes watered and hands shook. "He…he wants Peeta to find…spy on us. Snow told him to find out the identity of the MockingJay." I gasped in horror as the realization hit him. "He told Peeta that if he doesn't cooperate he would hurt his family and anyone close to him. Everyone, Jay that means his family, friends, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's family as well."
"Jimmy, I'm really sorry," he uttered. There wasn't anything he could do to fix this. It was done.
I'm not a violent man. But when my family was threatened, I would die for them just as Jay would sacrifice his life for his kin. I never wanted to go to war but I wanted my boys to survive and their children to be free from the reapings. "I understand why you did it, I just…you could have made that video without Peeta in it."
"Jimmy, what happened to Peeta needed to be addressed and broadcast to Panem. Injustice is rampant in the districts. There is no better inspiration than your son fighting for justice." I wanted to argue with him. He was right in some aspect. I just wished Peeta wasn't involved. Then it occurred to me that wishing someone else to be used as an example made me…selfish. I wouldn't wish this to happen to anyone.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Haymitch went to window to see who was visiting him at this early hour. "Shit. Jay you need to hide," he said his voice filled with anxiety as he pushed Jay towards the stairs.
"Who is it?" I asked.
"Peeta," Haymitch announced.
"What is he doing here?" I started. Jay turned and ran up the stairs. His tread was light not making a single sound. Haymitch opened the door.
"Peeta," he greeted him.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Haymitch but have you seen my dad?" he asked.
"Peeta," I addressed him. "What are you doing here?" How did he know I would be at Haymitch's home?
"I was worried when you ran out of the bakery without telling anyone of us where you were going," he started.
"Get in here, kid," Haymitch said as he drew the door wider.
"How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't know at first," he explained. "I just guessed." Smart kid, too smart for his own good. "We were worried. Graham and Rye, we know your upset so they told me to look for you." If anyone could calm my rage, it was Peeta. They knew me well.
"Peeta," I sighed. "Go back to the bakery. I'm fine. No need to worry."
"I just need to tell you something before I go back," he returned. Oh, God what now?
"What?" I inquired as I held my breath for more bad news.
"I just…" He shuffled his feet and wrapped his arms around his waist. "Don't be mad. I know you're angry with the MockingJay and…I'm mad too but…"
"But…"
"I thought about it, you know. Why he did what he did," he continued. "But it's done and over with. Don't be mad at him anymore. He was doing something for the resistance. I understand that now."
"What do you understand, Peeta?" Haymitch asked.
"I didn't understand at first. Why he did it but…I see the bigger picture. This is bigger than me, dad. I know how important it was for that video to be seen. MockingJay was right to show that video to everyone."
"But he didn't have to add you in the mix," I argued back.
"If it will help the resistance then I'm okay with it," Peeta said.
"And what about Snow, Peeta," I reminded him "He threatened you and our family." It was noble of him to accept what was done, but it not only involved him.
"What do you want me to say or do, dad?" he asked. He was frustrated and scared I could tell by his demeanor. "Do you want me to be scared all the time and wallow in self pity? Tell me how I should feel? It's not you with a target on your back. I have to do what's right for me and for everyone."
"What do you mean?" Haymitch inquired. I was afraid to ask.
"As long as I stay clear from any activity involving with the rebellion I'm fine. I can pretend to spy for Snow if I have to for as long as I can. Maybe give him misinformation without making it look like I'm stalling. I don't know." He stamped his foot. I smiled at his gesture. He was being brave like a man should be but he was still a little boy inside. "What else can I do?" The guilt was killing him. All I could do was support whatever decision he made. I wouldn't like it but ultimately it's his life on the line but as his father I would do what was necessary to protect him.
"Peeta," Haymitch spoke as he faced my son placing his hands on his shoulders. "Listen, your father and I are going to do everything we can to keep you safe––to keep everyone safe. I'm sorry that Jay, the MockingJay placed you in precarious and dangerous position. I don't think he did it to be malicious." He looked back at me.
"I know, Haymitch. I just don't want you to fight with each other. I know you really angry with the MockingJay, dad. But if the video will help in anyway it can, then…I won't feel…I'm not scared anymore as long as you guys can help me keep everyone safe." He put a lot trust in our hands––his life foremost. How can I argue with him knowing that he would willingly die for us if necessary? I held back the pain that bubbled in my chest. I stared at my sixteen-year old son; he grew up to be a man any father would be proud to have.
I wrapped my arms around him. "I'm so proud of you, Peeta," I said. "I know that I don't say that often but…you make me very proud for being your dad." He blushed at my compliment. "You're going to be a great husband and father one day."
"I have to have a girlfriend first," he sighed his voice sad.
"He doesn't know?" Haymitch blurted. Peeta stiffen then turned to face him. Haymitch held back a smirk or laughter I couldn't tell which as he hid his smile behind his hand. 'Oh, shit,' my mind echoed. 'Should I just blurt out that he has a girlfriend but wasn't aware of it?' When was Katniss coming over?
"Know what?" His eyed the both of us.
"Um…Peeta. Why don't you head back to the bakery now," I interjected. "You left Delly and Rye to open the bakery."
"Dad? What is it that I don't know?" he persisted.
"It's nothing Peeta." I tried to assure him.
"Dad" he whined.
"I…um…listen. There is something you should know but it's not my story to tell you," I muttered. "Just…it's not anything bad, okay?"
"What is it that you are keeping from me?"
"Peeta," I said his name as sternly as possible. "Go back to the bakery and help Rye. I need to speak to Haymitch for a few minutes." He didn't budge. "Peeta, I'm not going to repeat myself again. Go home, have breakfast I'll be there in a few minutes."
He turned around but turned to Haymitch at the last second. "Haymitch?"
"Yes, kid."
"Thank you for everything," he said.
"It's nothing, kid," he snickered back. "Now go before you get all gushy with me. I hate that shit." Peeta smiled then laughed. As he headed out the door, he turned and hugged Haymitch. The gesture startled him as he returned the hug back to Peeta patting him in the back. When they released each other Haymitch's face was pink. "No go before I smack you in the head for being mushy and stubborn."
Peeta turned to me. "Don't stay too long dad." I nodded my head as I watched him walk out the house.
"You have one…extraordinary kid there, Jimmy," Haymitch complimented me. "I don't like most teenagers let alone people in this district…hell in Panem, but I'd make an exception for that one. He's very wise for his age."
"He is and he isn't, Haymitch because if he was, he wouldn't have fallen for Katniss," I guffawed. All the girls he was smitten with, I never thought it would be Garrett Everdeen, the daughter of my former fiancée and first love. Fate definitely had other plans for us.
"Well, you know the saying, 'The hearts wants what heart the wants.' There is no rhyme or reason when you love someone," Haymitch quoted.
"Don't I know it," I muttered back.
"He's right you know." Jay appeared at the foot of the stairs. "I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be. I should have consulted you or at least told you guys what I was doing, but I ran out of time and I took a gamble."
"With Peeta's life," I jabbed back.
"Jimmy!" Haymitch scolded me. "He didn't know that Snow would react the way he did."
I sighed in resignation. "Sorry." I turned to Jay. "I'm sorry that I attacked you."
"No need to apologize, Jimmy. I would have reacted the same way," Jay returned. "At least you didn't sucker punch me." He placed a hand on to his stomach. I smiled at Haymitch.
"You deserved it," he defended himself. I was pleased and honored that Haymitch acted in my behalf by protecting and defending Peeta. It was sad to admit that he would have been a great husband and father had he not been reaped. I imagined my children playing with his. I just couldn't imagine what kind of woman who would put up with his personality and antics.
As I turned to leave, Jay stopped me. "Jimmy, I swear that nothing will happen to Peeta."
"You can't make that promise," I returned. Jay could swear up and down or until he turned blue in the face. I was realistic of Peeta's chances of not getting hurt. He was inadvertently involved with the resistance whether he volunteered or not. Because of Jay's video my son was a target.
"Jay, I know that you meant no harm but I think that you should tend to your own family. I'll protect mine as you should protect your own. Peeta is my priority not yours."
An hour later, we opened up the bakery. Graham felt the need to help but I knew his real reason why he wanted to stay. He was afraid something else bad was going to happen. "Go back to the butcher shop. You have your family to take care of. They should be your priority."
"But what if something happens?" he argued.
"Graham, you are a husband and father with your own family. I will take care of Rye and Peeta. I am the head of this family. I will take care of them," I reminded him. "Take care of Sonja and Tyler." He left reluctantly with a promise from me to call him in case I needed him.
To my surprise it felt as though half of the district wanted bread. Then I realized that our neighbors were curious. They wanted to see Peeta as it dawned on me that they saw the telecast the night before. A gaggle of Delly and Peeta's classmates swarmed into the bakery. It was a circus of gawkers. The curiosity seekers were polite but it obvious that there was another reason why they visited. I didn't mind much since by lunch we were out of everything. Business was good that day.
In the meantime Peeta stayed in the kitchen never wandering towards the storefront. Every time I appeared he held his breath waiting for me to announce Katniss' arrival.
"Hey, relax," I said. "It's not like you never spoke to Katniss before."
He flinched. "Well, the two times we spoke she wasn't exactly…pleasant or nice to me, dad."
"Like I said a lot has changed since. Just promise me something," I asked him.
"What?" Peeta was anxious. It was apparent that he was not looking forward to seeing or talking to Katniss. He jumped a couple of times when Rye called him to get his attention. He was so nervous that he dropped several pans when I told him to fetch me a bag of flour from the storage room. I felt sorry for him.
"Just be patient with her and listen to what she has to say." He scowled back at me as if insulted him.
"Patient? You're telling me to be patient? I've been patient. Ten years to be exact," he muttered back sarcastically.
"You're making it worse, dad," Rye stated as he noticed Peeta's posture. His arms were crossed against his chest and head down. He was petulant.
"Now both of you are really making me nervous." A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead. "Sheesh, why is so hot in here? Maybe I should go outside for some air." He started to walk out of the back door. "Why is everyone making such a big deal about Katniss coming over to talk to me?"
"Look who's here, Peeta?"
Peeta POV ––
Delly's high-pitched voice startled me. On her arm was none other than my childhood crush Katniss. My eyes bulged at the sight of her. Her hair was down cascading over her shoulders. She wore a light blue dress one I've seen before. I knew it belonged to her mother's since it was a bit too big, as it looked a size larger than her lean frame. However, she still looked…beautiful. God help me I think she's trying to kill me or I'm already dead.
She smiled. It was a smile I've never seen before. It caused my heart to lurch down into my stomach. I've forgotten how to breath as my breathe was caught in my parched throat. Someone's hand was placed on my shoulder.
"Doesn't she look pretty?" Delly commented. I nodded my head as words failed me once again.
"She sure does, doesn't she Peeta?" Was that my dad's voice or Rye's? I was too stunned to recognize it. I'm more confused than ever. What was she trying to do to me? The clock on the wall rang twelve times. With each ding I took a breath as my eyes gazed over Katniss. I was paralyzed with awe and indecision. I hadn't realized that she walked over to me until she was a foot away and I felt a battering of my heart pound against my chest. It pumped so hard I could hear in my ears. It was deafening. Her mouth moved.
"Huh?" I muttered my voice raspy. I cleared my throat swallowing saliva the size of a strawberry. Speaking of strawberries, was she wearing lipstick? I have never seen her lips so plump and red before.
"You look very…um…handsome," the angel-like vision said to me. I blinked a few times wondering that yes…I finally died.
"Peeta, close you mouth. You look like a fish," Delly teased me. I heard my dad chuckle behind me. Then as if lightening struck me, I realized that everyone was playing matchmaker. It was obvious with Delly's compliment, dad's encouragement and Rye sending me sly looks for the past hour. I resented the innuendoes and assumptions.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. There was no point in getting angry with them since I knew they meant well.
"Yeah…um…I thought––" she started when Delly shoved a basket and a blanket in face. 'What the fuck, Delly? This isn't some date?' I mentally projected to her. I turned to my dad for help. He was…smiling? Encouraging her.
"Here, I prepared something for you two when you have your talk on your date," she air quoted her fingers.
"That's not…this isn't––" I blurted. Vomit. I wanted to vomit as I turned my head cringing in embarrassment at Delly's assumption. Rye laughed behind my back. I didn't find this at all amusing. I was horrified.
"Thank you Delly," Katniss responded her voice soft as her cheeks turned bright pink. She was kind enough to take the blanket from my other hand since it shook violently.
The next thing I knew Dad shoved me out of the bakery basket in hand. He leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Remember be patient with her. Listen with your heart." My heart? You mean the one that she broke a few of weeks ago?
Delly hugged me. "Have fun, Peeta," she advised then whispered, "Be gentle to each other." Gentle? I scrunched my face. Didn't she realize that Katniss was far from gentle when she spoke to me? Tell her that not me!
As for Rye, he extended his hand to me. I grabbed his hand for support but gasped when I felt something in palm of my hand. I looked down and gasped in horror. It was a packet of condom. I hid the packet in my pocket praying that no one saw it. Then I shoved him causing him to laugh. "You're an asshole, Rye." He laughed.
The next moment Katniss led us to…I know not where as I followed her lead. We walked side-by-side heading towards the edge of town where there was a small park that was dedicated to our only victor, Haymitch Abernathy. The park itself was run down and desolate. A dinghy white gazebo was constructed at the center. This was hardly a romantic setting for a date so I was relieved with her choice. 'This is not a date, this is not a date.' I reminded myself because this…whatever this was, was definitely not a date.
The air between was filled with awkwardness and anxiety. It swarmed between us like a vortex that churned with no end in sight. My gift for words deserted me. I caught her a couple of times sneaking at a look at my direction. Her sudden attention unnerved me.
Once we reached the park, I sighed in relief. It was short-lived as I realized our talk loomed over our heads. The thought of it caused my stomach to lurch. "You want to set up over there?" She pointed to a large tree at the end of the park.
"Sure," I responded. Katniss jumped from surprised when my hand made contact with the small of her back. Embarrassed, I reeled my hand back. "Sorry, sorry." I was so unimpressed with my suave move as I could hardly contain my horror for taking liberties. Like some forlorn puppy I followed behind her keeping a wide distance between us. I hid my other hand inside my pocket just incase it decided to touch her as if it had a life of it's own. My other hand clutched onto the basket so tight my knuckles were white from blood loss. I could tell that this was not going to end well for me. I could feel it.
She placed the blanket under a large tree trunk. I sat down dejected and anxious wondering what else I could do to embarrass myself. Katniss sat beside me as I unloaded the basket Delly packed for our 'talk.' I refused to believe that this was a date. No, I wasn't about to set myself up believing that this was more than I hoped for.
"I hope you're hungry because I think Delly packed enough to feed an army," I joked as I placed a container of cheese buns, slices of ham, assortment of sliced fruit and a canteen of tea on the blanket. I was impressed with Delly's menu and reminded myself to scream at her and thank her for lunch.
Katniss moaned as she chewed on a cheese bun, "Hmm…this is so delicious, Peeta." My dick stiffened. 'Fucking hell.' I leaned back against the tree bringing my knees upward hiding my erection. "I could tell you made these." She looked at ease with herself unlike me I was a mess waiting for the shoe to drop. Or better yet, waking up from this dream. 'I'm having a picnic lunch with Katniss Everdeen.' My poor mind was on overload at the idea I replied back monosyllabic words in return.
"Thanks?" I said feeling utterly useless as my mind fought for things to say. We ate in silence for a few minutes when I made a mistake and looked at her direction hoping that at least she enjoyed our lunch and start a conversation when…
'Holy fuck,' my mind screamed as I watched Katniss licked her lips and fingertips in slow and deliberate manner. She was killing me as I wondered how her mouth would feel around my…
"Are you okay?" she interrupted the dirty thoughts that ran through my head.
"What?" I replied back her brows furrowed at my reply. I mentally shook my head scolding myself for my one syllable remark. 'Stupid, Peeta.'
"You look like you're in pain," she expressed her concern as she looked at my hand on my stomach. 'Shit.' Thank God I didn't reach down and grabbed my…
"Stomach cramp." I cringed. Oh, two words this time. 'I'm a genius.' my mind bit back.
For a few minutes we continued to eat in silence enjoying the sun as it shimmered above us. Picking this particular tree was a good choice as the branches hid us from the blazing run rays. A soft cool breeze swirled around us making this a perfect spot for our picnic. No, not a picnic but lunch with two friends…I didn't know what we were because as of few weeks ago Katniss refused to have anything to do with me.
"So," Katniss' soft voice resonated in the air. "You're probably wondering why…I needed to talk to you." I nodded my head but kept my eyes in front of me. Looking into her cool steel eyes would break my resolve. I needed to stay strong. Whatever she had planned to say I was prepared to remain cool and collect. I still couldn't figure out what she wanted.
"I…um…" Suddenly the sound of laughter startled me. A young man and woman ran through the park laughing and screaming at each other. It was obvious that they were in love as the man caught his girl turned her around and delivered a bone melting kiss on her mouth. She reacted with equal fervor returning kiss for kiss. Jealousy, embarrassment and a fleet of emotions ran through my head causing my heart to ache as they continued to maul each in front of us. The young woman squealed as her boyfriend picked her up around the waist. She automatically wrapped her legs around his narrow hips. They were so in tuned to each other that they never noticed us. The strong young man carried her to the edge of the woods. We watched as they disappeared into the line of trees listening to their voices fading.
I exhaled not realizing that I had held my breath throughout the whole exchange. "They looked very happy," Katniss commented a few seconds later. On her face was melancholy or sadness? I couldn't tell.
"They are. And why wouldn't they be?" I started. She looked back at me waiting to continue. "They survived the reaping and have each other. You're lucky if you don't get reaped in the first place let alone find someone to love and spend your life with them."
My time with Snow taught me one thing–my life was already forfeit. I knew that I wasn't going to spy for him. Snow's threat wasn't just about hurting my family or friends.
"You have a choice Peeta Mellark," Snow stated. "You will discover the identity of the MockingJay or someone you love will be picked for the next reaping ceremony."
At that moment I knew what I had to do. I would defy Snow and the Capitol. I refused to be used. And by making the decision to defy Snow I had ultimately endangered my family. I couldn't reveal to Dad or anyone what I had decided. I was never going to betray MockingJay. It was my burden to carry to my grave. Images of the life I wanted or imagined flashed in my head––falling in love with Katniss, stealing kisses as I slowly courted her with romantic dates and toasting with her. It was all a dream in my head never to be realized for Katniss was never mine to begin with nor would she ever be. Dreaming of a life with Katniss was just that––a dream.
"I'm sorry, Peeta." Her apology stunned me. Tears brimmed her eyes, her lips quivered. "I'm sorry that…I was mean and cruel to you when…that day behind the bakery." Her eyes were downcast. "I'm so sorry that I was cold to you during the celebration. I've been so hateful to you when you just being nice to me." I nodded my head.
This confession puzzled me. Why now when I have nothing to offer, no future for us to be together even if just friends. It wasn't as if she had suddenly fallen in love with me. I gave up on that hope and dream.
"I don't understand where this is coming from?"
"You saved me that night…the same night when I was mean to you. You didn't have to follow me that night but you did. You knew or felt something was wrong and…despite the fact that I was bitch to you…you…" she stumbled with her words. Her voice was choked with tears and anguish.
"You already thanked me, Katniss," I reminded her. "There's no need to rehash this."
"No," she screamed. "You don't understand."
"Then make me understand."
"I can never repay you––" Oh dear God, what is it about paying a debt to people that she's stuck on? You don't owe people you love. You did acts of kindness out of the goodness of our heart. She meant the world to me, as I would have done anything for her.
"Katniss," I interjected. "Will you please stop telling me that you owe me. I saved you because I cared about you. I don't fucking need you to pay me back, damnit." God, she was stubborn. I was losing patience. My tone must have startled her as her eyes grew wide like saucers and her lips trembled.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I recalled Dad's advise. 'Just be patient with her and listen to what she has to say.' "Katniss," I said her name soft and low. "There's no debt to be paid between us, okay?"
She shook her head. "Katniss, we're okay. We don't have to do this."
She shook her head again. "I…there's something you need to know." I waited like my dad told me for her to explain. I had to be patient. "The night of the whipping. I know you don't remember but…Cray knew that you were missing at the same time Ivan wasn't present. He insinuated that you knew more than what you were telling. He charged you for the death of his nephew without any real evidence." She rattled on with the story. All of it was a blur to me. I couldn't remember what was real or not. I heard screams and felt the sting of the whip Cray used on me. I felt fire on my back as I drowned out all the sounds around me. I was on fire and nothing mattered.
She continued, "…so I…I knew I had to do something so I told Cray and all of Panem that I was with you that night. That we were together."
I looked at her and wondered what was the big deal because we were together that night. I saved her from Ivan. "You don't understand I told everyone…that…that we…were together, together that night."
I was clearly confused that I needed her to repeat what she was saying. "What?" She blushed. "What do you mean together?" I couldn't have heard her right.
"You know…together like boyfriend, girlfriend together," she explained. My mind went numb and blank for a few seconds. "To convince Cray that we were intimate I told him that I had your shirt. The shirt you gave me that night…the one that I was hiding under my bed. That you and I were in a relationship and was hiding it from everyone."
"No…no…wait what?"
"Yes, so everyone thinks that you're my boyfriend," she sighed as if she had relieved a burden from her shoulders but there was also something else in her demeanor. Stunned and shocked, I leaned back onto the tree trunk feeling the hard jagged surface rubbed against my back. 'You're my boyfriend. We were intimate' her words repeated in my head.
"Why?"
"I said it to protect you. Cray didn't believe that you had nothing to do with his nephew's death." But that night, I thought I had killed him only to later witness the mystery figure executing Ivan in cold blood.
"So that's why…" It didn't' make any sense. If I was her boyfriend, why did I have so many visitors since then? I was already taken by Katniss' declaration.
This was not happening now. Now that I was determined to get over her and move on. Now that Snow had signed my death warrant if didn't cooperate with him. "So you've been pretending that we're… in a relationship?"
She winced and nodded her head. "Yes," she sounded displease with the idea of us together. I crossed my legs in front of me and placed my elbows on my knees for support. With both hands I cradled my head palming my temple. Nothing made sense to me.
"I'm sorry Peeta. I didn't mean for this to happen like this." It's no wonder she was determined to talk to me. The idea being her boyfriend must…it was must be hard and horrifying for her to pretend to even like me.
"Peeta, say something," she said. She looked upset and sad.
"I'm sorry, too."
"What?"
"I get it, okay? I understand now. So we…can break, we can break up now if you want." She was obviously uncomfortable and upset with the whole situation. "We can do a public break up so you can––" Be with whomever you want for real.
"What? No, we can't. I wanted to…tell you that I'm okay with it."
"Oh," I said. I had not expected that.
"I mean, I know when I first said it, it was to protect each other but it's okay with me." She was okay to pretend to be girlfriend and boyfriend. That revelation didn't sit well with me since my life was practically over. My solution was the only thing that will keep my family safe from Snow and his machinations.
"Peeta?"
"Sorry, Katniss. I just got lost in my head for a few minutes," I told her. Taking a deep breath, I made another decision. "I want to thank you for saving my life that night." She looked surprised. "I know that it must have been really hard for you to have done that. And I'm deeply grateful."
"Peeta? I…don't regret doing that for you," she said as she placed a hand on my forearm. Her touch sent a tingle up my spine. It was the first time she ever touched me willingly and not by accident. I guess she was willing to continue our ruse to pay a debt she owed me for saving her life.
"I have to thank you just the same," I responded back. "So I know that we'll need to continue pretending and we have to…pretend that we're in a relationship. So if you're okay with this…we can… be friends right? I mean, I know that you don't like me…like, like me the way a girl likes a boy so…we can at least be friends."
"Well, I was hoping…" she started. This felt like a rejection all over again. I wasn't about to let her break me even more by refusing a friendship with me.
"I mean, we can be friends right? Since we both saved each other's lives and we are pretending to be girlfriend and boyfriend. I mean that's got to mean something," I blubbered. How were we to continue this ruse if she wasn't willing to be my friend?
"You want to be friends?" She appeared confused or troubled. 'Come on, what's wrong with being my friend,' my mind yelled. We might as well do a fake break up if friendship was out of the question. Being around her even if it meant being in a fake relationship was something I could live with. It was more than I could ask for.
"Yes, we can pretend for a while until…things cool over," I said. In two weeks I'll be out of your life forever. She will be relieved of that.
Katniss sniffed. Her nose twitched as she pushed her hair behind her ear. I had not known her long enough to decipher what that meant. Was she displeased that we had to continue our fake relationship? Was she mad that we couldn't break up sooner than later? I was lost.
"Hey, this will blow over soon," I told her hoping that my reassurance would appease her for a while. I wanted fourteen days with her as my friend. I envisioned hanging out and working together at the bakery. God I was pathetic.
"Okay," she returned. She was sad I could tell. I was being selfish by not breaking up with her and wanting friendship between us. I wasn't asking for more.
"Friends?" I extended my hand to her. She stared at my hand for a few seconds. Realizing that I made an assumption and made a fool of myself, I was prepared to pull my hand back when she grabbed it and squeezed hard. She had good grip.
"Friends," she replied back with a sad smile on her face. 'Don't worry Katniss two weeks will pass by so quickly.'
"Thank you, Katniss. You have no idea how much this means to me," I stated. We sat together in complete silence as my mind raced of things to say. It was bittersweet for me knowing how much this fake relationship costed her.
"You look tired," she observed as I couldn't stifle a yawn that escaped me.
"Didn't sleep well," I intimated. "I get…" It wasn't fair to unload my worries or fears so I stopped myself before going further.
"What?" she pressed. "You can tell me…since we're…friends now." I leaned back on the tree trunk feeling uncertain as to whether I should burden her of my nightmares. "I want to help."
"I get nightmares of my…. Since Cray…you know?" I admitted. "I thought I was getting over it but when I saw myself last night in the video, it's been difficult for me to close my eyes without seeing it in my head."
"I'm really pissed that the MockingJay did that," she voiced her tone hard and angry. "He shouldn't have done that to you. It was wrong to use you like that."
"No point in getting angry," I told her. "What's done is done. I made peace with it."
"You're too nice, Peeta. If I were you, I'd be angry at him for using me."
"Being angry won't get me anywhere. If I stayed angry for every time some one was mean to me or when I didn't have my way…I'd be no better than my own mother." She whipped her head so hard I thought she cricked her neck. "I don't want to be like her."
"I'm sorry––" she started.
"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for," I replied. "It's not anyone's fault that she is the way she is." I wasn't making any excuses for her behavior. I just accepted it.
With a full belly and a clearer mind, I yawned again and stretched my limbs.
"If you want, you can take a nap," she suggested. Could I risk taking a nap without having a nightmare? I couldn't bear it if she saw me suffering through a nightmare looking weak, vulnerable like I was half naked and bound to a post crying like a baby. It's no wonder she's not attracted to me. Who would want that for a boyfriend?
I let my mind wander a few minutes. She said something to me and I think I responded back but I was too tired to remember. Before I knew it my eyes felt heavy as the world around me turned dark.
Katniss POV––
I watched as Peeta struggled to keep his eyes open. He looked really tired and beat. All I wanted to do was take him in my arms and comfort him. Frustration bubbled inside me. How did I manage to screw up our first conversation? Had he finally given up on me and only wanted friendship? Could he not see or feel that I wanted more?
I wished Prim was here to help me undo the last twenty minutes. I watched the boy with bread as his head lolled back and forth trying to stay awake.
"Peeta, hey. Lie down, it's okay," I instructed him. His eyes were glazed and he sent a shy smile towards me.
"I'm…I'm just going to shut my eyes for a few seconds," he responded sleepily. When suddenly, his body went slack and he slipped towards me landing his head on my lap. He grunted and moaned adjusting himself until he went still. In his attempt to situate himself comfortably on my lap, he lifted the hem of my dress revealing my upper thigh and pressing his rough cheek on my skin. I held my breath for a few seconds as I welcomed the new sensation.
A feeling inside my chest burst as I felt his soft breath lapping on my legs. It was a feeling I never felt before, a different kind of hunger that my body and mind was not acquainted with. What is it about this boy, this man who tilted my world making me feel things I never imagined or wanted.
It was my own fault that I couldn't find the words to tell him that I wanted a real relationship with him. The two times I rejected hurt him must have hurt so much that any hope he had for me to have feeling for him was unimaginable. Yet, despite my cruelty and rejections he still wanted to be my friend. He finally gave up on having a romantic relationship with me. It wasn't fair.
"I mean, we can be friends right?"
His words echoed in my mind. Friends. He wanted to be friends with me when I wanted more. I beat myself over the head thinking I should have made myself clear. I should have said, 'No, I want to be your girlfriend for real.' But no, I took the way out incase he rejected me.
Looking down on his serene face, I realized that I threw away a chance with him. I threw away the possibility of love and family all because I was too scared and stubborn to appreciate what I had been in front of me all this time. I thought love made you weak. I was wrong.
Peeta sighed in his sleep. How I long to run my fingers through his thick blond hair. But I had no right to do so for he wasn't mine to adore or caress. The thought of him belonging to someone else pained me.
'No, that wasn't going to happen. I won't let it.' I swore to myself. Anger and frustration filled me. I leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Damn you, Peeta Mellark. You made me want you and if you I'm going to let you go, then you don't know me at all."
I gasped as he nuzzled his nose against my thigh and his lips rubbed my skin sending shivers through my core and up my spine. I raised my head to the heavens looking at the clear blue sky. Peeta was giving me a clean slate; he was giving me a chance to start over with him. If he wanted my friendship he'll have it. But in the meantime, I'll make sure that with no uncertainty on my part, I will claim him and he will be mine. I'm clueless as to how I will attain that goal when an idea struck me. I smiled thinking about how and who could help me. I'm not alone in my endeavor to make my relationship with Peeta real.
I just have to be patient and understanding as he had been with me after all these years. With my new resolution, I placed a hand on Peeta's sweaty forehead. At my touch, he sighed and nestled his face on my legs. I could used to this; I really, really could get used to this.
Our moment of peace and quiet was shattered as someone yelled my name, interrupting my alone time with Peeta. Fear and anger shook me to my core as I watched our interloper walked towards us.
AN: Thank you for reading this chapter. FYI I will be on vacation for the next two weeks so there will no update for Destiny until next month [sometime during the week of June 5th]. However, hello to my 'The Weary Heart' readers, I'm pleased to announce that my sister will be posting another post epilogue sometime next week. It's basically done but I need to do some minor tweaking. Have a great Memorial Day weekend to my American readers and to the rest of the world have fun and stay safe.