14/

Between work and helping Mom to keep on top of the running of the garage while she was on house arrest it was nearly a week before I was able to make the trek out to Stockton. I hadn't had another visit from Happy in that time either. I knew he was staying away to avoid any more of my questions; at least until he knew I'd figured things out with Tig.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly as I got out of my car and closed the door. I walked to the visitor entrance and signed in then all I could do was wait. I hadn't realized just how anxious I was about this visit until now. I watched as he appeared in the doorway and walked toward me.

"Thought you weren't gonna visit me." He smirked as he took a seat opposite me.

I raised my eyebrows at him. "This isn't exactly a friendly visit Tig." I said resolute that I was going to end things once and for all.

He sighed. "Then why are you here?"

"I meant it when I said I can't do this. I can't be with you while your in here but at the same time I know it's not that easy. We have to talk about us Tig and whether or not there is anything worth trying for."

"I meant it when I said I want us to work Kat."

"I know you did but there is still so much that I can't get past."

"Kitty Kat," he sighed as he reached for my hand, "Can't we just start fresh? Even if it's when I get out of here?"

I shook my head. "There's things I need you to know Tig. Things I've never told you about how I always felt about us."

"Sounds heavy."

"Yeah. I guess it kind of is. Being back involved with the club again and being forced to interact with you again, its made me really think about how it used to be; how young I was and where I am now and..." I trailed off my thoughts becoming a jumble in my mind again.

"Write me." he said.

"What?"

"Write me a letter."

"Okay." I said somewhat hesitantly.

"I can tell you've got a lot you wanna say and maybe here isn't the place for it. Write it all down and send it to me."

I nodded. "Yeah okay." I knew he had a point. I'd be able to make more sense of everything if I sat down and wrote about it. "Will you write me back?"

"Got nothin' else to do in here do I?"

I scowled. I should have known not to get a sincere answer from him. I knew I still loved him but I really did question why. He was such a complex individual that I never really knew what I was going to get; charming, sincere Tig or aloof and nonchalant Tig.

"I guess I better go." I said pulling my hand back.

"Thanks for coming Kitty Kat." He said back to charming me again.

"Sure." I said rising from my seat.

"So are you gonna visit again?"

"I don't know. Maybe just let us figure out what all this is through letters first."

He nodded. "yeah okay"

I backed away, giving him a small smile and wave before I turned and walked out the door.

I'd had every intention of telling him everything about how I felt but I'd crumbled. Sitting there in front of him, although I was pretty sure I hadn't let on to him, I'd gotten lost once again in his eyes an I realized a lot of the reason I'd fallen back with him so easily was fantasy. I needed to remember all the reasons it didn't work between us. I knew a lot of it was me and my insecurities that I'd never shared with him, or indeed with anyone.

I drove past the lot on my way home. I had some paperwork to pick up for Mom and was surprised to find it alive with activity, maybe even celebration, with all those who hadn't been sent to jail sinking back more than a beer or two at the picnic tables out side the clubhouse. I noticed a few that I didn't instantly recognize among them too.

"What's going on out there?" I asked Tara who sat behind the desk in the garage office.

"They patched Kozik in and one of the prospects too."

"Oh? I thought they needed Tig's vote?"

"I don't know. There was something about getting Tacoma down for it."

"Righto." I said knowing Tig was going to be none too happy about it. "Is the paperwork Mom asked for there?"

"Yeah. It's this pile here right?" Tara responded picking up a stack of papers to her right.

I flicked through it briefly. "Yeah this looks like it." I said. "I gotta go but I might come by visit you and Abel a little later."

Tara smiled. "Sure Kat. That'd be nice."

I'd never really been too friendly with Tara but to be honest neither of us had really made the effort. I returned her smile and gave a quick little wave as I stepped back out into the lot.

"Kat." I heard Happy's familiar gravelly voice behind me as I headed toward my car. I turned toward him and recognized that familiar spark in his eye.

"Hey." I answered.

"You got a minute?" He asked eying the armload of papers I carried.

"Yeah. Just let me put these in my car." I said unlocking it and placing them on the passenger seat before I joined him.

"You should probably know that we patched Kozik in this morning."

"Yeah. Tara told me." I answered biting my lip hoping he had other plans rather than just telling me about the vote.

"You go see Tig yet?"

I sighed. "Yeah." I knew Happy was loyal and despite that spark in his eye he wouldn't act on any urges he may have until he knew there was nothing between me and Tig.

"And?" He pressed me.

"We still haven't really figured anything out Hap." I said daring to place my hand on his chest. I ached for him and realized how torn up I had now become about the two of them.

He placed his hand against mine and looked down at me his gaze intense. I could tell how much he wanted me. "We're not doing anything until you do."

"Hap, he knows we're not together, not while he's in there."

"But you're still torn up about him and what you really want."

I sighed. I couldn't deny that he was right. The way I was beginning to feel, sleeping with him again before I'd addressed everything going on with Tig was only going to confuse me even more.

I trailed my fingers across his chest briefly trying desperately to quell the heat that continued to rise in my privates. "I need to go." I said quietly.

"Yeah. You should." He said squeezing my hand as he removed it from his chest but not letting it go.

"I'm not reading too much into things am I? There is more than sex going on between us now isn't there?" I asked trying to read his gaze.

"Figure out what's between you and Tig before we talk about it." He said releasing my hand.

I nodded and backed toward my car as he just stood there and watched me. I slid into my car and watched through my rear vision mirror until I'd seen him walk away and join the others in front of the clubhouse again before I turned the key and began reversing out of my spot. I sighed as I drove. I had a letter to write and probably a really long one at that.

I sat down at my kitchen table, pen in hand and the first page of a blank notebook in front of me. I stared at that blank piece of paper for what seemed the longest time. It was harder than I thought to even start putting it all down; all the things I wanted Tig to know; all the things that had gone unsaid between us for so long.

I didn't even know how to start it. Should I write dear or to? Address him as Tig or Alex?

Finally I settled on Hey Tig, and the rest seemed to flow from there.

Hey Tig,

So here I am writing you a letter just like you asked. I can't help but wonder if you'll even read it, but then I guess you have nothing better to do in there hey? (I couldn't help but put that little dig in there.)

I don't want to do the whole prison romance thing. While your behind bars we're off. Simple as that. As for when you're out I'm not sure about that either. I can't say that I regret being with you again. It was good, great even but at the same time I can see that nothing has changed. I need you to be honest with me Tig. I need you to tell me things including if your going away for a long time. I think that's something I deserve to hear from you.

I'm not sure that I was ever really ready to become so heavily embroiled in the whole club thing by being your old lady. I was young and smitten. I was the presidents daughter, you were a tall, dark and handsome stranger. I knew you were forbidden to me and that was what made it more exciting. I fell for you quickly and hard Tig. I trusted you above anyone else in that clubhouse and I know you cared for me and loved me right back. I knew that you would do anything for me, anything to protect me. Hell I know you would even now. That's why your betrayal hurt so god damn much.

When I left for college you assured me nothing would change. And for a while it didn't. I loved coming home to you every chance I got. I loved the mornings that we'd spend laying in bed doing nothing else but making love over and over. I loved that you would put everything else on hold whenever I was home and that you'd tell Dad not to include you in any club stuff so that you could spend more time with me. I loved that I was the center of your universe for those small snippets of time that I was home. But then the cracks started to appear. I got home before you one day because I wanted to surprise you. I found the bed all messed up and unmade which was never unusual when you were there on your own but this time it was different. It didn't look like a bed messed just from sleeping. When I went to make it there was hair on the pillow. It wasn't mine. It was long and dark brown, nearly black. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to believe what I knew it meant.

For a long time I knew what was happening behind my back when I was away and I kept denying it even to myself. I loved you. You were still so sweet and adoring every time that I was home that I was able to ignore it and fool myself into thinking that it was happening. But then I came back early one weekend and she was still there. Her dark hair bounced against her back as she rode you. I never asked if she was the only one. I always assumed that she wasn't. You told me that she didn't matter. That it meant nothing to you and that it was a one off. I knew you were lying. I'd lost count of how many times I'd found evidence of someone else having been in our bed.

Stupidly I stayed with you after I caught you that first time. I believed you when you said it would never happen again. But it did. Many times. But that wasn't even why we ended Tig. We were set to fail from the moment we met. Because of her.

Why were they always brunette? Was it because they didn't look like me? Or was it because they didn't look like her? Is that why you cheated? Because every time you fucked me you were reminded of her? I should have known that was all I ever was to you; a replacement of your one true love; a carbon copy if you will. I don't even know her name Tig but I always felt like there was a third person in our relationship and she wasn't even alive. There were so many things you did, so many things you wouldn't do because of your history with her. I've always lived in her shadow never quite measuring up to how perfect she was.

I wanted it to work between us Tiggy. I loved you. I loved you so god damn much. Maybe it was because I was so young and you were all I knew. You were everything to me and I wanted to be everything to you. I wanted us to be perfect.

And then the baby. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant. I thought it would be the perfect answer for everything that was wrong in our relationship. I thought that if there was more than just me then all the whores would go away, that you'd become more serious about us. How wrong I was.

You accused me of cheating; said it wasn't yours. There was never anyone else Tig. You know that and I'm pretty sure you knew it then too. I know why that pregnancy was so hard for you to acknowledge. It was the final thing that reminded you of her wasn't it? I remember you saying that she was pregnant when she died. You couldn't take history repeating itself any more and you pushed me away. You said horrible things to me Tig. You told me the baby was a stupid mistake. That I'd be throwing my life away. That you didn't need any more kids to stuff up. I hated you for giving me the money to take care of it. You know I refused to do that and you know Mom talked me through it and convinced me that I could do it on my own without your help.

I was excited for a new chapter of my life and I thought that perhaps you would come around and warm to the thought of the baby as you watched it grow inside me. And then I miscarried and it was all over. My dreams were crushed. It was the final straw in our already crumbling relationship. You know what happened next. I found you in bed with Ima. I slept with Kozik. You said losing the baby was a good thing because you never wanted it any way. It broke my heart hearing you say that because I know how much you wanted her baby.

Our whole relationship was based on a fairytale Tig. A fairytale that would never have a happy ending because it's princess died. The president's daughter was never going to fill that void in your life Tig. That's why we didn't work out and that's why we never will.

Do I still love you? Yes. Do you still love me? I have no doubt that the answer is yes. But the question remains do you love me or what I remind you of?

Love always, Kitty Kat.

It took me just as long to figure out how to sign off my letter as it had to start it. I stared at the page and wondered whether I had the courage to actually send it to him. I knew I had to. I wanted him to know how I'd felt all these years and I wanted him to know why. There was much more than just what had gone down between us but everything that our relationship was. A lie.

I took a deep breath before carefully removing the pages from the notebook. I folded it and placed it into an envelope and sealed it. I'd have to ask Mom how to address it. I knew she was sending letters to Dad. I stashed it into the side of my work bag and then left the room to go shower before work.