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Chapter 14

Memory Lane

While Daniel slept dreamless and peacefully through the night, Jack was haunted by nightmares. He needed the sleep as much as the kid, but he kept dreaming of Daniel's various deaths and woke several times.

At dawn Jack gave up and crawled out of their shelter. He lit a fire and made coffee. He drank it black and strong, enjoying the sunset over the lake while he sat there, scratching the three-day stubble on his cheeks and chin.

He mulled over yesterday's events, re-living Daniel's outburst and the accusations. Jack knew Daniel had carried a lot of unresolved anger over from his adult life. He idly wondered if Daniel had gotten it out of his system with that tantrum or if there was more lying beneath the surface.

Jack gazed gloomily into the fire.

He had made some real bad choices regarding Daniel back home. And yeah, Jack knew he liked being in control. Which was probably why Daniel got under his skin so much. Daniel kept him on his toes, and every so often managed to make the best-laid plans go wrong with one of his brilliant ideas. But Jack never realized Daniel had felt patronized that much. Especially since he never seemed to let himself be patronized in the first place. If Daniel felt the need to go against standing orders, he fought him all the way, not backing down.

It had all been manageable until their break up, though.

Until Jack had broke up with Daniel...

... Daniel had returned from his mission, and Jack knew he'd want to come over and stay the night with him. God, Jack wanted to spend the night with Daniel, too. He had missed him. But at the same time, he was dreading the moment Daniel would be ready to go home after his physical, shower, debriefing and a detour to his office.

Jack sensed trouble. He had replaced some of Daniel's personal belongings like the toothbrush, his black and gray boxers from Wal-Mart, and several t-shirts. But buying new stuff didn't mean Jack would get away without an explanation as to why so many of Daniel's clothes and some of his books had gone into trash.

Somehow, the time went by too fast that day. He had been fretting over how to tell Daniel without having the younger man explode like a nuke and do something he'd probably regret.

Once they were in the truck on their way home, Jack decided to grab the bull by the horns.

"Something happened while you were gone," he said while they stopped at a red light.

Daniel had his head back and his eyes closed. He was exhausted, and it probably wasn't a good idea to make him deal with this crap right now. But Jack knew the questions would start the moment Daniel wanted to brush his teeth or change into his comfortable sweats and shirt.

Yes, the had stuck Daniel's toothbrush down Jack's toilet.

"Mmmh?" Daniel blinked. "What?"

"The house was ransacked."

There was at least half a minute of silence. Then, "What?!"

"Yep. Took some clothes, some books, toothbrush..."

"They... they took our toothbrushes?" Daniel blinked rapidly, and his mouth hung slightly open.

Jack shrugged. "Maybe they were trying to start their own household?"

"Oh, my god. Are you okay, Jack? Were you home?"

"I'm good. And no, wasn't home. They wouldn't have gotten far if I was," he said with a snort.

"This isn't funny."

"Nope. But this is why I have an alarm system now."

He had installed it two days after the "burglary".

They reached home soon after, and he changed the subject, determined to distract Daniel from seeking more information about the incident. And it worked. Shoving his sex-deprived archaeologist against the wall and trying to suck his tonsils out always worked.

Daniel laughed when they kissed, and his laughter bubbled over Jack's tongue and down through his whole body. He closed his eyes and spread his hands on either side of Daniel's face, his thumbs brushing over the familiar skin, pushing up the glasses, tracing the dark eyebrows.

That afternoon Jack almost told him...

Almost...

How much he loved Daniel.

God, yeah, he loved Daniel.

He loved him so much, it hurt.

The intensity of the feeling scared the crap out of him, and he hated the way it made him vulnerable. Hated how he craved every smile, every look, every touch. Sometimes it got so bad that he hated Daniel with as much passion as he loved him.

It didn't make sense.

They spent some time at that wall, and then they spent some time on the hall floor until they made their way into the bedroom where they spent the evening, getting reacquainted with each others' bodies.

They hadn't gone the whole way yet. Jack had some experience with touching, sucking and groping. Buddy-stuff he had learned on missions, in tents, way back when he'd been young and everyone had to scratch an itch here and there. But that was about it.

However, he and Daniel had many pleasant ways to show their affection for each other. They'd do the deed when they were both ready.

Much later that night, Jack held Daniel in his arms and felt his lover's heartbeat against his own chest. He felt Daniel's skin cooling off as he listened to the even breathing from the sleeping man.

Daniel was home.

Safe and sound.

As much as Jack loved his job and going off world, he felt best when they all made it home alive and in one piece. He knew that, with the Goa'uld out there, every feeling of safety was false. There was no such thing as a safe place anymore. They might come in ships. They might try to come through the gate.

Earth itself wasn't a safe haven either. Jack had seen too many disgusting things during his Special Ops time. Too many political fires that could blow up anytime.

Yet, he had never envisioned one of his "kids" being harmed on Earth. Not even with the NID breathing down their necks occasionally. For SG-1, the danger was out there. Not here. Earth meant home, and home meant safe.

Now someone was trying to destroy that feeling of safety.

And if Jack didn't find them and nail their asses, they'd go on with their perverted little game.

Eventually they'd hurt Daniel.

O'Neill couldn't be around Daniel 24/7. How the hell was he supposed to protect him?

He'd have to talk to him soon. And Jack knew the last thing Daniel wanted was protection. Daniel was very capable of taking care of himself and fighting his own fights.

Which was part of the problem. Those guys weren't just some homophobes who thought it was fun to beat up queers.

They'd never know when those bastards would come down on them.

His cell beeped and made him jerk upright in bed. Daniel slid down, mumbled something incoherent, turned away from Jack and pulled his pillow over his head

Jack took the phone and left the room. Maybe it was the mountain... but of course, there was no caller ID... It was three in the morning.

He didn't want to answer the call. But part of him hoped to recognize a voice or that the caller might make a mistake, giving away vital information about his identity.

For a while he just listened to the litany of insults and vulgarities as he stood in his cold kitchen, staring out the window into the dark garden.

"Are you done yet?" Jack asked in his most bored voice, faking a yawn.

"One more thing. Be careful who goes off world with Doctor Jackson. If it's not SG-1, he might have an accident."

"Oh, please. That's such a pathetic cliché..."

The caller laughed and hung up...

... Jack brewed himself another mug of coffee. Daniel was still sound asleep. The sun rose, turning the sky into a gigantic ocean of fire. It was pretty amazing and would be over in just a few minutes. The sun rose and went very fast.

When he felt something wet and cold nudging his arm, Jack looked down at Cupcake who had just crawled out of the shelter. The little puppy licked Jack's hand and then jumped backwards as though she was afraid.

Since he was alone with the critter and wouldn't give Daniel any blackmail material, Jack made some soothing noises and held out his hand to the animal. Cupcake cocked her shaggy head and crept closer until she was able to nip at Jack's finger.

"You have to wait for breakfast. Better yet, go and catch your own," Jack teased. "What are you anyway, eh? A dog or a rat?"

Cupcake barked and happily jumped right into Jack's lap. She apparently liked being talked to and didn't care much about the words.

"Whoa. Don't forget - I don't even like you." Jack grinned. "You're just a flea shelter, and I bet you have smelly breath." He started to scratch behind her tiny pointed ears while his mind kept wandering back in time once more...

...The burglary topic came up again the next morning in the kitchen.

Daniel, whose breakfast consisted of a cup of coffee, frowned at the unfamiliar mug he was holding between his hands. "Don't tell me – they took my favorite mug, too?"

"Nope. I broke it when I unloaded the dishwasher," Jack lied glibly.

Daniel frowned at the mug, then shrugged and took a sip. "So," he said a few minutes later when he was visibly more awake. "What did they find out?"

"What did who find out?"

"About the burglars. You called in a team to check for fingerprints, right? I mean, it could've been the NID looking for something."

Oh, shit.

"We don't have anything of interest to the NID here." Jack shrugged. "And why would the NID take your toothbrush? To collect saliva samples and make a clone?"

Daniel's eyes grew wide as he obviously considered this possibility. then he shook his head and growled, "Jack..."

"See? Not the NID. Just some scum."

"You didn't call the mountain? You didn't even call the police?"

"Daniel..."

"Jack?"

There was no way around it. Jack knew he couldn't satisfy Daniel with a couple of lies about why he hadn't called the mountain or the police. He was already into it too deep. If he started making up a story, Daniel would smell it like a dog with a bone.

So Jack said, "No, I didn't call anybody. You want waffles?"

"What?"

"Waffles? Syrup?"

"No, I mean... why?"

"Because it's breakfast..."

"Jack!"

"What?" He had to do something so he started making waffles, throwing the ingredients into a bowl.

He didn't look at Daniel, but he could feel the glare in the back of his neck, and the silence grew longer by the minute. Jack began stirring the batter and finally turned around, bowl and spoon in hand, to face his lover.

"Look... they only took clothes, toothbrushes, a few books... nothing valuable."

"It makes no sense," Daniel interrupted. "Even if they were just junkies searching for something to sell. They didn't take any medals, money, silverware?"

"Nope."

Daniel scrubbed a hand through his hair and sighed. "Calling the mountain would have been a bad idea. It's a little hard to explain why there's so much of my stuff at your house."

Jack paused in the stirring. He had been about to spill the beans and give Daniel the whole dirty truth. Now he just took the way out Daniel had unconsciously provided.

"Yeah."

Jack busied himself with the waffles and changed the subject.

He knew he couldn't put it off long. Daniel had to know what was going on. Yet Jack wanted to find out who was behind the attacks and phone calls first. If he could nail those rats, Daniel wouldn't have to be bothered with all this crap.

He hated the thought of Daniel getting hurt, physically or emotionally. And no matter how tough the guy was – and Daniel could take a punch or ten - there was a vulnerable side in Daniel that would get hurt emotionally.

Daniel had had enough crap in his life without being harassed by men he probably worked with. Men he had probably gone off world with... Men he had trusted with his life.

It was sickening.

Around noon Jack was in the commissary, reading and signing reports so he could get them off to Hammond. But he wasn't able to focus as his mind mulled over the mess he was in. Taking a bite from his apple pie without tasting anything, he glared at various officers seated at tables around him, eating or having a coffee.

Could be anybody.

No, he decided. Not anybody. The way they had combed through the house and left their marks and were observing them, Jack knew they had to be in his own league.

"I need to talk to you."

Blinking, Jack looked up into Daniel's blazing blue eyes and the angrily set chin.

"Whoa. Where's the fire?"

"My office. Now." With that, Daniel turned and stalked out, his whole body vibrating with controlled anger.

Jack stood slowly, gathering his reports, shooting daggers at everyone who dared to look his direction as he made his way to the door.

Oh, this was going to be bad.

"Do you have any idea where this might have come from?" Daniel waved a hand at something lying on his desk as soon as Jack had closed the door behind himself.

Jack went over and peered at the piece of cloth, his blood running cold when he recognized it as one of Daniel's shirts that had been shredded to pieces.

"How did this get here?" Jack asked quietly. He spotted an open white cardboard gift box and a pile of crumpled tissue paper.

"It was here when I returned from Sam's lab. There's no note. It's one of the shirts that was stolen, right?"

Jack had dumped all the trash in his can the same night the vandalism had happened. He should have burned it.

"Right," Jack said flatly. "We need to talk."

"You think?"

###

"Why didn't you tell me?" was the first question out of Daniel's mouth after they had moved to Jack's office and Jack had told him what really happened at his house.

Choosing Jack's office for a personal talk was their best option since most people knew he didn't spend much time there. So it was most likely not bugged - Jack checked anyway though - and the security cams didn't record audio, so it was a relatively safe place for their conversation.

"I was going to tell you," Jack said, playing with a pen he found on his desk. The whole room felt unfamiliar to him. He only came here for serious paperwork and otherwise preferred to spend time in either Daniel's office or Carter's lab, annoying his teammates or chilling out and plundering their stash of cookies, chocolate and coffee.

Jack wasn't sure why his office was so appalling to him. He'd just never gotten around to making it more comfortable.

"When?" Daniel pierced him, eyes narrowed behind the glasses. "When were you going to tell me?"

"I've been trying to figure out who these homophobes were for the last couple of..."

"What? Days? How long has this been going on, Jack? What else happened?"

"Daniel..."

"No, come on. Tell me. This concerns me as much as it concerns you."

"Weeks," Jack said vaguely.

"I see." Daniel tapped his index finger against his lips and seemed to process the news. Then he bent forward, placing his hands on Jack's desk. "What did you say was the reason for not telling me?"

"All right, you can stop that," Jack snapped.

"What?"

"That! I screwed up. I'm sorry. I should've told you a long time ago, but I didn't. Because I was thinking that maybe I'd be able to deal with it before it got too ugly."

"Jack, why do you always feel like you have to protect me?" Daniel sighed in exasperation..

"It's what I do!"

"Well, here's news for you. I'm out of kindergarten, and I grew up a long time ago. I can take care of myself despite what you may think. And I'm sick and tired of you playing the military guy... my dad... or whatever it is you think you have to do."

Jack snorted. "Daniel, I'm hardly your dad."

"Then stop acting like you are! Because it's annoying."

They fell silent, Jack fiddling with his pen, Daniel sitting back, shoulders slumped, hugging himself. The torn shirt lay between them on Jack's desk, taunting them.

"We have to end this," Jack heard himself say finally.

Daniel's head shot up. "What?"

"There's too much at stake."

"Jack... what are you saying?"

"It's over." He felt his own words pierce through him like spears, felt his gut cramp into tight knots as he watched the various emotions cross Daniel's face. Shock, hurt, anger... but the worst was the resignation that finally settled on the younger man's features and into his dark blue eyes.

"I guess this is right up your alley, right? An easy way out." Daniel's voice oozed bitterness, and he forcefully pushed his chair away as he stood.

Jack glared at him, anger overlapping his own pain. "What? You think this is easy for me? Those guys are fucking serious, Daniel! They won't back off, and they won't let us get away with being together..."

"Maybe not. But you had issues right from the start. So it probably plays into your hands."

"This isn't about me," Jack said. "We need you. The SGC needs you. Look, we bumbled into this like kids thinking with their dicks. I'm not sure we can keep it up long-term. You're too important to the program. SG-1 is too important. I'm not going to risk the team – or any member of the team – in favor of a relationship."

Daniel bit his lip and shook his head. "You just can't admit it's you who has a problem with commitment in the first place, right? Look..." His eyes met Jack's again. "We're supposed to be partners. It's bad enough you can't treat me like an equal on the team. But whatever it is that makes you think I still need babysitting..."

"That's not true, and you know it," Jack snapped. "But as your commanding officer, I have to make sure you don't get your ass kicked on every single trip through that gate!"

"...at least from time to time, you could have a little faith in me. I'm sure we can do something about these hooligans if we work together. We can talk to Hammond. He'll back us up. If push comes to shove, I'll quit," Daniel continued as if Jack hadn't spoken.

Jack slammed his pen on the table and got up, starting to pace.

"Daniel, those hooligans are class A bastards. They won't leave us alone. They can destroy both our lives. And, hey... You're my best friend. I trust you with my life. You want commitment? Hell, I put my job, my life, on the line for you. I'm going to jail if they ever figure us out!"

For a moment, the silence hovered between them like poison slowly contaminating the air.

"You're right. We knew that when we started this, though. But I'm beginning to think you're not sure I'm worth trying to make this relationship work. And maybe I'm not. After all, I've never had much luck with relationships before. I'm not sure why I thought that has changed now." Daniel's pain was all over his face, all over the place, his eyes bearing a mixture of hurt and defeat.

Jack couldn't stand seeing him like that. He wanted to cross the room, grab Daniel and just hold him. Be there. Tell him it was okay.

But it wasn't.

God, maybe Daniel was right. Maybe Jack hadn't been ready to go through with this in the first place.

"Daniel, this isn't your fault," Jack said. "We have responsibilities. Like it or not, this is the fucking military, and we have a job to do. It's not worth the sex. We're better off keeping it out of the bed."

"Now you're not even able to call it anything but sex. And you're right. If what we had was just about sex, it's not worth it."

"You'll get hurt. And I won't be able to..."

"Why do you think everything has to be about you, Jack? If it was just about those bastards, I'd chose to stick to 'us'. But apparently you've made up your mind, so I'll just..." Daniel jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the door.

"Daniel..."

"Let's hope the attacks stop and nobody gets hurt now they got their wish."

Jack knew he was making all the wrong moves, giving all the wrong signals. He just couldn't help it as he stood there, frozen...

And he let Daniel go.

Daniel was right. Jack had a problem with commitment, and therefore Daniel was better off without him.

Because Daniel deserved someone better.

Someone sensitive and understanding. A guy or a woman who could value the many gifts Daniel had to offer, educationally and emotionally. Daniel needed someone to have candlelight dinners with. Someone who accompanied him to museums without being bored, loved wine as much as he did, found satisfaction in books and considered history an adventure.

Someone who didn't rub him the wrong way every so often. Someone who wasn't military and found pleasure in hockey games and The Simpsons or the occasional crossword.

Someone totally different from everything Jack was.

Daniel had been wrong about one thing, though. It wasn't him who wasn't worth the hassle this relationship had brought them.

It was Jack.

Jack wasn't worth Daniel getting beaten up or having his career destroyed. Jack, who couldn't say "I love you" to Daniel if his life depended on it.

Jack, who wasn't ready to give in to these deep, scary feelings he had for Daniel. Because he might not be able to live up to them...

...Once they had gone their separate ways outside the mountain, Jack had tried to continue the investigation into who had been after them. But he'd been warned off from whoever was behind the attacks and calls, with very clear indications on what might happen to Doctor Jackson, should O'Neill continue to dig.

Eventually, Jack had stopped looking for them, and the calls had stopped.

He had caught himself driving through the Springs many nights, driven out by worry and guilt. But no matter how often he'd parked near Daniel's apartment building, observing the street and entrance in the darkness, he'd never caught anybody tailing his ex-lover and ex-friend.

And the more time had gone by, the more Jack and Daniel had become estranged from each other, building up all that crap between them that made them fight over everything and say and do things they both didn't mean.

Until Daniel had gotten shrunk...

And here they were, alone on Kansas Planet.