AN: I'm traveling at the moment, and the place where I'm staying does not have consistent reception. I'll be here for a few weeks and will try to get everything up on time, but it's at the mercy of my connection! Mini chapter tonight and another in the next couple days. Thanks for understanding. Title is from the song Old Scars/Future Hearts by All Time Low.
Disclaimer: I do not own or in any way profit from Harry Potter or its related properties.
Old Scars
Hermione lay in his arms staring into the darkness above at the flickering light of the stars. She didn't understand how he'd managed to find a way around all the walls she'd built around herself, but she was glad he was there. She felt safe and sane in his arms like she could honestly be herself for the first time in a very long time. She couldn't help but run over the last few months over and over again in her mind. She didn't know if she'd ever escape her ghosts, but she wanted to try. There was something about the heartbeat keeping steady rhythm under her ear that made her feel like the future was worth waiting for.
She couldn't help but feel lucky that her scars were mostly invisible, buried deep inside herself. Her heart was a mess, much like her mind. Fred's scars were written on his arms for the world to see, even though they were mostly covered by his new tattoo. She wondered if maybe Ron would have noticed if her damage had been more obvious. If she'd only spoken up maybe she wouldn't have tried to take her own life. She turned slightly, feeling him stir beneath her cheek when she sighed.
"You awake?" He whispered, voice gravelly with sleep.
"Just thinking," her voice was barely a whisper in the stillness of the night.
"Are you alright?" He rubbed her arm soothingly, making her snuggle closer to him.
"What are we doing? Is this a mistake?" She whispered back, unconsciously wrapping him tighter around her as she shrank into herself.
"Are you scared?" He loosed his grip on her slightly, tilting her chin up so he could better see her face.
"Yes." He could hear the fear and unshed tears in her voice, it brought a sinking feeling to his stomach.
"I am too. We don't have to take things so quickly. We can step things back…" he soothed, brushing stray hair out of her face
"It's not that… it's just… I breathe better when you're near me, I'm safer, and I feel saner. You make me want to be honest, to be better, to make it through another night. If this doesn't work, or if this is a mistake…" Fred stopped her with a press of his fingertips to her lips.
"It's not a mistake. You make me want more tomorrows, Hermione, and I didn't want that for myself for a very long time. It's okay to be afraid, I'm afraid too. But I don't think this is a mistake, I don't think we'd be in this position if it was. This isn't going to be easy. I'm willing to give it a try if you are," he kissed her forehead before searching out her eyes and waiting for a response.
"You have to promise me you'll tell me if you change your mind…" she sounded almost hysterical in her plea.
"I promise. But I'm not going to change my mind. Do you want to go inside? Or do you still want to try and catch the sunrise?" He smoothed the top of her hair, kissing her on the forehead again and pulling her more closely to him again.
"As long as I'm with you, I don't care what we do." She admitted as she relaxed slightly into his embrace.
The stayed that way for a few long moments, heartbeats starting to sync up. She tried to push back the memories of all the mistakes she hadn't shared with him yet, the things she was least proud of. Before she could open her mouth to speak he cleared his throat and took a deep breath.
"I don't know how else to make it clear to you how I feel about you, but… You're like this dark little siren calling to me in the dark. When I close my eyes and want to hurt myself, I can hear you in my head. I try to listen to my own heartbeat and all I think about is how it changes any time you get near me. This is a huge thing for me too. And I don't know if it's too soon, but I know this can't be a mistake. We both came back from the edges of despair and we found each other, that has to mean something," he swallowed hard, voice thick with emotion.
"I'm afraid that I won't get better, but you will. That you'll leave me behind. Or if I get better and you don't, that you'll blame me or hate me for it. I feel like we're on a razor's edge… that is I don't get myself put back together you won't want me anymore. I've got all these scars that I can't stop thinking about."
"You know I'm not going anywhere, right? I'm not just going to fade away into the night and forget you or cast you aside. I've been lost for months, with you I feel found. The last two nights I haven't been sure if this is real or if I'm dreaming… either way, I'm not thinking about hurting myself. The sadness is still there, deep down, but it isn't so overwhelming. I don't want to hide in myself anymore, to lock myself away. I've talked to George more the last two weeks than I had in months. You helped me open up again, I could never hate you or leave you behind," he soothed, pulling her hand to his face and kissing her palm.
"I haven't told you everything about what I did before you took me to hospital... History you don't know yet. I'm afraid that when I tell you, none of the last few days will matter anymore because you won't be able to forgive me," tears began to slowly slide down her cheeks as she kept talking, unable to hold back her feelings anymore.
"There are so many things I'm not proud of, Fred. Things I wish I hadn't done. Things I don't understand why I was compelled to do them. And you? You've pulled me back from that place. And I don't deserve it for the things I've done." She paused to collect herself before she continued on, her thoughts running rapid fire.
When she thought back over the last few months she never would have guessed that the voice guiding her home in the night was him. In the long stretch of nightmares and drunken mistakes, he was the voice of reason calling from the innermost depths of her mind. When she was lonely and trying to crack the code as to why her brain didn't function in the way it was meant to, it was his face behind her eyelids. He was the fixed point on her horizon now and the thought scared her. Could he still love her if he knew everything? The thought of even falling in love again terrified her. After everything with Ron, she wasn't sure she could put herself through it all again.
"After everything that happened with your brother… all the secrets I kept. How can I trust myself not to go back to that? To not hide things from you too? What if I'm so damaged I can't be fixed?" He sat up, pulling her with him, and wrapped her in a firm hug.
"I know there are things you haven't told me. I didn't expect you to trust me with everything overnight, even though you've shared some pretty serious things up to this point. When you're ready to talk about it all, I'll be here. For now, I'm happy just to hold you while you cry even if I don't totally understand why you're crying…" he nuzzled his face into her hair as she sobbed, doing what little he could to try and project an aura of safety around the two of them.
The sky was beginning to lighten above them, it wouldn't be too much longer until the sun came up. What had seemed like a romantic notion the night before, now seemed somehow like a new starting point. If they could make it from this sunup to the next, they could keep pushing forward. If they kept chasing tomorrow and left their scarred hearts further and further in the past, maybe they had a chance. When she eventually took a deep, shuddery breath to end her tears he held her at arm's length.
"Look, we're going to spend the entirety of the rest of our lives trying to get things right. We're both going to make mistakes. If we're lucky, we'll learn from them and we'll keep moving forward together. I know that things aren't going to be easy. There are going to be times when one or both of us is going to be at the edge of something serious. I can't speak for you, but I know I want you beside me when I work through those things. If you're willing to take a chance on me, I'm all in for this."
"I'm just so tired of fighting my own mind… I've had so many chances to get it right. The road to stability seems so long right now...what if it takes a lifetime to fix me? You deserve better than that…"
"Stop. I don't want anyone except you. Not right now. Probably not ever. If we spend the rest of our lives trying and failing to make sense of what happened to us in the war, then that's what we'll do. You need to trust me a little bit, Hermione. I can't make it better. I can sit beside you while we try to figure it all out." He took her face in his hands, brushing her cheeks with his thumbs.
"I can try." She whispered, letting him catcher her eyes. She wasn't sure what he was reading in hers, but in his, she saw fire.
"That's all I'm asking for." He kissed her gently before leaning them both back to the ground to watch the night turn into day.
Hermione paced back and forth in the waiting room, vaguely concerned she may wear a hole through the already threadbare carpet. When she'd left Fred's that morning she'd come home to an owl from a doctor she'd found in her search for a support group or something similar that might be able to help them. It had taken some doing, but she thought she may have found the only practicing wizarding therapist in all of London. Now she was driving herself spare waiting to meet them for the first time. She hadn't been able to gather much information, except the address and the name Doctor McKinnon. The tip had come from Neville, who had overheard one of Hannah's customers saying there was some experimental psychologist who'd set up shop and was helping people after the war.
She didn't know what to expect really. She'd never been to a Muggle therapist or how that might compare to an experimental magical variety. She mulled over the possibilities in her mind as she paced, not noticing when the door opened a few moments later. She was surprised to recognize the face on the other side of the door.