-Shay's POV-
I dust off the frame that has a photo of us together. She had a wide grin on her face. She was silly like she always was. I miss that smile so bad. I sat down at the edge of the bed and took the picture frame along with me. I pulled the object to my chest and started to cry. It's been three months to the day and today's the first time I step foot on this room again. Everything around remains the same, including the frame I was hugging. People kept wondering why I stopped crying and it makes me wonder too why they care. So what if I chose to stop the tears from falling? Crying won't make it hurt less. Nothing could take away the pain. Even my two months away to Canada didn't help. I am broken. Nothing could fix me. I lost myself when I lost her. What makes it so devastating is that I had her, she came back to me, and then I lost her. We fought against it for months, I was with her, but we still lost the battle. Some would say we still won the war but no matter how they placed it, I still lost the love of my life. She's gone, Ashley's gone and she'll never be back.
Just when things between me and Ashley are finally okay another challenge came our way. A month after we got back together she passed out again and this time she was at her worst. She was sick, severely sick. The words still play on my head and I think it will never go away for some time.
"How long do I have?" Ashley bravely asks her doctor
"I won't be giving you false hopes. With how fast your body is deteriorating I say you have about 6 months" I could see Ashley close her eyes and tears forming on its edge. My jaw clenches in anger.
"Who are you to say that? Are you God?! 6 months? You're wrong. You must've missed something. Run tests on her again." I scream angrily with hints of desperation.
"Shay please, calm down" I looked at Ashley disbelievingly. How could I calm down? How could she be this calm? Haven't she heard him? She must have noticed my distraught "If there's a time I would be needing you most, the time is now"
"I'm here for you. We're gonna fight your sickness. We will do this together. You will get better. You have to. Do you hear me? You have to get better Ash. Baby please I don't want to lose you" I held her hand so tight that it almost appeared white
"I won't give up on this. For you, for me, for us. I'll get better. I have you. I know I'll get better. I promise" I pulled Ashley in my arms and hugged her tight.
She had kept her promise. She went through medical procedures that were still applicable to her. There were days she was better and there were days she was in so much pain. In times of pain was she the most vulnerable but was the bravest at the same time. I moved in with her so I could take care of her better. Her sickness was only known to closest friends and family. She didn't want the media to know. There were nights I just stayed up watching her sleep. I wanted to make the most of my time with her knowing one day I would open up my eyes and she wouldn't. Sometimes I would blame God for doing this to us. Sometimes I would blame fate. At one point I blamed her for being sick. I was making a fool of myself. I just needed someone to blame.
No matter how long I had or how prepared I was for the day to come, I was still so terrified. Who wouldn't be? Each second I had with her mattered. So when she had a high fever and got so sick, sicker than she already is, and I took her to the hospital, I knew that would be the last time she would ever be in our home. I knew deep inside she wouldn't come home but I didn't lose hope. Days went by and she just laid there on the hospital bed with her eyes closed. She would wake up for a short time but then get too tired and sleep again. When we were left alone I would talk to her, tell her how much I loved her, she needed to know. Seeing her so fragile and broken and tired I would excuse myself to the washroom and cry. I swore to myself after the doctor had told us she only had 6 months to live that I won't ever let her see me cry. I had to be brave in front of her because she herself was so brave. Like a miracle she woke up one day and just felt so alive. She didn't felt tired. She constantly threw jokes and made us laugh. She became the Ashley who wasn't sick. All our PLL friends were there, cast and crew. Her family was there and so was mine. It would have been a perfect gathering-if only that day wasn't her last day.
"Oh so what did I say to Shay when she came back from Japan?" Ashley had been making silly jokes for about an hour
"What?" Everyone around comically asked
"Hey Shannon, what TOKYO so long?" fits of laughter filled the room and for a moment we forgot that we were at the hospital. "Okay okay I've got another one"
"Not again!" I complained jokingly
"Come on don't be a pooper Shay" I rolled my eyes at her but laughed while doing so
"Fine. Hit it" The room went silent as we waited for Ashley's joke yet again
"What did I ask Shay when I showed her this" Ashley pulled out something under her pillow and opened it. Words left my mouth as soon as I saw it.
"Ash" I felt so overwhelmed and stunned
"Will you marry me?" I could only nod in response. She smiled at me and I leaned in to capture her lips with mine.
"I love you. Yes" I finally said the words as she slipped the ring on my finger. Our lips reattached again for the second time. Everyone applauded with probably tears in their eyes.
"Could you give us a minute please" She asked the people around and they nodded understandingly before they left also saying congratulations. When the door closed and we were alone she spoke again. "I wouldn't ask you not to love anyone else ever again but I would want you to not forget me. If someday someone comes along and makes you feel loved, accept them."
"Why are you saying those?" It seems quizzical that she proposed and now she's thinking about me with someone else.
"Let's not lie to ourselves babe. I wouldn't last long. I'm tired. I just wanted to do the last thing I wasn't able to do. I proposed to you to show you that even on my last breaths I'd still breathe for you. That ring is a symbol of my love. You're the first and last person I've loved this much. I am privileged enough that I was loved but not just anyone but by you, Shannon Ashley Mitchell." I loved and hated the words I was hearing. I don't want to hear her saying goodbye.
"I'll be loving you forever and even that wouldn't be long enough. I don't regret anything these past few months. It didn't matter if I had a year, a month, a week, a day, or even an hour because that was another year, another month, another week, another day with you. Even if I had one last hour with you I would grab it with both hands because I want to be with you. Please stay a little longer. Please." I begged her. I knew she was tired but I just want more time.
"I'll stay as much as I still can." She gave my hand a light squeeze. "I, Ashley Victoria, take you Shannon Ashley, to have and to hold for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part" her voice was weak she had said the words in full volume
"I, Shannon Ashley, take you Ashley Victoria, to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part" I recited the same vows and kissed her to seal it.
"I love you" she whispered
"I love you too" I said it back. She can't go without hearing me say it back.
"I feel tired" I braced myself for what's bound to come.
"Get some sleep babe. I'll still be here when you wake up" What I said could've been a lie. She might not wake up again. She closed her eyes gently and slept. I observed her fully before I went out to check on everyone. Apparently they were just outside standing.
"She's asleep" I informed them with my voice almost breaking. The tone on my words carried on what I felt inside. Her sister approached me and brought me to her embrace while gently brushing my hair. I let all my tears out. I just sobbed and sobbed.
When I felt composed again I went back inside her room. All of them were there already there except for me and Shaylene who was comforting me a while back. We stayed in silence for who knows how long. The drop of a pin could almost be heard.
"Shay" Mrs. Benson approached me placing a hand on my shoulder. She gestured towards the machine that was connecting to Ashley. It was monitoring her vital signs and I noticed the obvious drop on it from the last time I looked at it. "It's been going on for a while. I think it's time" she sounded strong for a mother who was about to lose her child.
"You can let go now baby. Go home and rest" I whispered on her ear before leaning pressing my lips on her lips one last time and leaving a kiss on her forehead. "I love you" I didn't let go of her hand that I was holding since I went back to her bedside. It was only a matter of minutes and she'll slip away. I could feel someone hugging me from the back and I couldn't dare take off my eyes on Ashley to see who it was. I feel Ashley squeezing my hand tight before she lost grip. I shut my eyes tight. She could go any second now. A sharp beeping sound from the machine echoed the room and in that moment I almost passed out. That was it. Roughly after 6 months of pain, Ashley had laid to rest.
I still wear the ring on my finger. I think I'll be wearing it forever. I wouldn't dare take it off. I shut everyone out the day after she died. I wanted to mourn her in private and everyone respected my decision. Fans all over the globe mourned too sending me condolences and words of encouragement that I only read after her funeral. I tried coming in alone inside our room but it strongly reminded me of her and I ran away the first time. The second time didn't hurt less but I didn't run away. I looked around the room and admired every piece of Ashley that I was reminded of in each and single item. I never came back after that. I stayed back on my house with Michaela. Her parents and sister would check on me and I always told them I was fine. When I felt that everything was too much, I went back to Canada. I didn't stay in my parents' house. I rented a lake house for myself. It was the only way I could recover, but it'll never be the same. I have a hole in my heart that's the size of Ashley.
I removed my shoes and lied down on Ashley's side of the bed. The pillow still smelled like her and I don't know how that's even possible. I hugged another pillow and took in her scent. With the picture frame on my side and the pillow I was hugging tight, I closed my eyes and whispered "Ashley" before I fell into slumber.
"Ashley" I mumble her name. My body felt hot and cold at the same time. My face was covered in sweat and I could guess some tears. I felt something warm and heavy on my torso. I felt alarmed when I saw that it was an arm draped over me. I turned around quickly only to find out it was Drew's. I forgot he stayed for the night since he was back in L.A for a few days. Cuddling with him brought warm to my body and heart but it felt too foreign at the same time too.
"Shay what's wrong? Bad dream?" He asked me worriedly. His green eyes piercing through my brown ones.
"I had a nightmare. A terrible one. It felt so real" he caressed my cheeks with his thumb.
"it was just a dream. Don't let it get to you. Come here" I snuggled closer to him and tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. I guess I just have to try to get some sleep for hours until the sun rises.
It was a lot easier to sleep when Ashley stayed over for a week. The first night was a bit awkward I admit but the rest of the nights were better, best I must say.
I could hear the noise of the bed from the baby monitor. Ashley was sleeping on the guest room and I was on my room. Don't get me wrong, I'm not paranoid or something, I just didn't want Ashley to stress herself out by moving around the house a lot, so I placed a baby monitor in her room for her convenience, which she strongly emphasized unnecessary. I moved up from my bed and begin my steps towards her room. Without knocking I entered and saw that she was on her side with her back turning away from the door.
"I could hear your discomfort all over the monitor." I gently closed the door behind me and plumped myself on the bed beside her. Without giving much thought about it I draped my arm on her waist on brought myself closer to her. My front was firmly pressed on her back. Her body went tense upon contact but slowly relaxing as the second go by. She sighed loudly before shifting her body and now she was facing me.
"I feel more relaxed now. Thanks" She pulled my arm and placed it under her head so she could rest her head on it and nuzzled herself to me. I flexed the arm she was her head was lying on so my hand could brush her hair. I used the arm I draped on her waist to pull her even closer to me. Her breathing became light and even within a few minutes and before I knew it I too fell asleep.
The rest of the nights that she was here I was with her on her bed. Michaela didn't say anything with regards to it. In fact she helped me bring Ashley to full recovery. Sometimes it was even torture to have your best friends under the same roof. They would team up and make fun of you, pull pranks on you and even sneak on your gummy bear stash. So when Ashley packed her stuff and went back to her own place, the house felt awfully quite and too big for me and Michaela and sometimes even Sammy.
I was on the kitchen cooking breakfast since I couldn't sleep, moving to the tune of Love on Top by Beyonce.
"Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my tears and finally you put me first" I sang and danced as I stirred the pan. I closed my eyes when the chorus came up and sang with all I had in me. Someone's hand rested on my waist and swayed with me. Slowly those hands slid forward fully wrapping my waist. A feathery kiss was placed on the exposed skin on the back of my neck. I leaned my head back resting on a muscular figure. I jumped slightly when I came to my senses.
"You seem jumpy babe" Drew pointed out
"Still bothered by my dream. Good morning" I turned my head to give him a quick peck before paying my attention back on the pan
"That smells good" He rested his chin on my shoulder.
"It'll be ready in a minute. Can you bring out the plates please?" he detached himself from me and did what I told him so. After eating what I cooked for us, Drew went upstairs to shower. I don't mean to be cold at him. It's just that something else keeps me preoccupied, or rather someone else.
"Morning Shay" Michaela greeted as she went downstairs
"Morning Kaela. Got some breakfast ready" She sat on the chair opposite of me and started placing food on her plate.
"Where's Drew?" she asked
"At the shower. He has a photo shoot today" she nodded and went on eating while I scrolled through my feed
"So what's bothering you?" she said out of the blue getting me caught off guard "And don't lie to me. I know something's on your mind"
"I had a bad dream and I can't stop thinking about Ashley." I confessed with all honesty
"When she was here and you were sleeping in her room I didn't say anything but that doesn't mean I don't have my questions." Knowing what she was implying I prepared the answer to her obvious incoming questions
"She couldn't sleep so the first night I came to her room to make her feel relaxed. The nights after just became a habit or something. Now I can't sleep well without her. I guess it's obvious what I feel for her" Michaela sighed loudly
"If you had a choice, will you still marry Drew or Ashley?" That was the hardest question I have ever encountered.
"I already have and made the choice. I'm marrying Drew remember?" she shook her head like almost I gave the wrong answer
"That's not what I meant. If he didn't propose, if Ashley didn't let you go. Who would it be?" I told her I refused to answer so she revised the question. "To make it easier for you because you claim so that you love them both equally, where do you see you and Drew 20 years from now?"
"Why does it matter?" I tried to dodge the question again
"Just answer it" she insisted
"Honestly, I don't know. Would it be weird if I am unsure of my future with him?" I could see myself marrying him. I could see us together in about 5 years but then there's nothing else but a cloud in my vision as I imagine us.
-Drew's POV-
"To make it easier for you because you claim so that you love them both equally, where do you see you and Drew 20 years from now?" Michaela asked Shay a million dollar question. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I couldn't help but listen to their conversation.
"Why does it matter?" I know what Shay felt for Ashley but I was hoping that what she feels for me is enough.
"Just answer it" I wish Michaela didn't insist for Shay to answer. I am not ready to hear it but I felt the need to.
"Honestly, I don't know. Would it be weird if I am unsure of my future with him?" My world almost shattered when I heard Shay say those words. I am marrying a girl who doesn't see herself with me in the future. I think she knows what she wants she just doesn't know what she wants.
From where I was standing on the stairs I composed myself and put on a happy façade. I walked down and greeted Shay and Michaela by the table.
"What do you have in store for today Mikey? I heard there's a nice movie on theatres tonight" I subtly hinted for Michaela to spend the night out
"Does it come with a big bucket of pop corn?" I nodded my head yes and smiled "I'm bringing Sammy along."
"You're all mine for dinner then" I said to Shay. "It's on me" I winked before giving her a peck in the lips and saying goodbye to them. I hear her and Michaela say bye at once.
Once I left her house I rushed to my car and gripped the stirring wheel hard until my hand turned white. I couldn't stop the hot tears from falling. I must be a fool but then again who isn't a fool for love? I knew Shay loves me. She's in love with me, but she will never love me the way she loves Ashley. Their love is an unstoppable force and I am the object in between them. So that means I should move away. After all most people say that if you love someone you should set them free. I love Shay so much and the best way to show my love for her is not by marrying her, but by giving her the one thing she was deprived most of-her freedom.