Garden conversations.

In the darkness, Bonnie walked up the hill, a blanket around her. She knew where she was going. When she had been smaller, she'd loved the old garden…but it'd been a long time since she'd come back. Her sisters liked to make fun of her for having her little special place, and so she never came back. Now, though, there was nobody around to make fun…or tell her what to do, and the garden seemed appropriate, a very private place for some very private thoughts.

Oh God. Oh God… I can't do this. I can't. Don't make me make this decision. Please.

Not me. Anyone but me.

But there is nobody but you. A little voice told her, from a million miles away. Bonnie reached the gate, and undid it—it hadn't been locked for many years—the church had been replaced by a newer building, but the park that had adjoined it was left, the old trees, seemingly hunched against the newness, leaned down over the small stone bench at the center, before the dry fountain. For a moment, Bonnie wondered what she'd tell a cop, if one found her in pajamas and bunny slippers, a blanket around her. On the other hand, it looked like she was the first person to come here in…quite some time.

"What do I do?" Bonnie said softly to herself.

Nothing. her mind said to her, You don't have to do anything. You've won.

What?

The princess is fallen. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? From the day Tinteeth came walking in, until she took your cheerleading team away from you, with that smarmy "it's no big" of hers, and the way she smirked when people looked at you. The way she pretended to be proud of Ron when he blew the Rockwaller family record… but it wasn't him, was it? It was her.

"No…" Bonnie whispered, but she couldn't block out her racing thoughts, things she hadn't dared think coming out into the open. Ugliness unveiled.

And now guess what? She's gone. You didn't do a thing. So Kim had feet of clay and fell, big time. Not your fault. So that bitch Monique wants to feel all tough, but it was Kim that went nuts, not you. You're the victim.

Bonnie sat on the bench, feeling the cool stone leach the heat from her.

"It…" She paused, "It wasn't like that. It… It wasn't' her fault."

Than whose fault was it? The man who buried her?

"Yes!" She said, feeling like she couldn't get her breath back.

Than why did Kim come after you… Maybe she wasn't as nuts as she let on. You know how much she hated you. Remember when she "gave up" the team captain's slot? Sitting there with that little smile when everyone looked at her not you? Getting in your way, making certain what when you finally gave up, it was clear she'd won…again? Bonnie shook her head, trying to clear it. It was her voice. The voice of everything she'd thought through long days and nights of planning how to beat Kim.

And now you have. Now you can finally show your sisters.

"No. Shut up. Shut up."
And even better, whatever happens, you'll win again. If her family falls apart—Kim wasn't here where it counted. If you do something, you saved the day while she was showing everyone just how weak she really was… and no matter what happens, nobody can blame you. Not after what happened.

Oh maybe the bitch Monique or Tara, but you won't see them after high school—remember, you were leaving for college, and you can always get new flunkies.

You got what you were wishing… Kim is destroyed. Why not just step aside? If the Possible's self destruct it's no skin off your nose.

Except Ms. Possible had been kind to her. Except the tweebs who didn't deserve what would happen to them. Except that Bonnie hadn't stopped wishing she could unwhish what she had so wanted to see. Kim Humbled. The perfect girl shown to have feet of clay.

It was victory… and it was ashes in her mouth.

Somehow, time had passed. Bonnie heard the ringing of the church bell, marking out the early morning hours. The city was nearly silent, not even a dog barking, and somehow she'd slid off the bench, her body terribly cold, stone hard against her forehead. Above her, the last of the clouds had vanished and the stars looked down on the earth, the town, a her huddled body, quite calmly viewing the vista, the same as they'd gleamed over the land long before it had been named Middleton, or had even known the hand of man, for that matter.

Bonnie was tired, mortally tired. She'd never been so tired, not after cheerleading of ballet or anything else…but somehow it brought an odd clarity to her vision, diamond edged…and pure.

Incapable of deception.

Beating Kim had loomed so large, for so long… it…

I've made Kim so big, now it's almost like I'm her shadow, and without her… what am I? She shivered. How long had it been since showing Kim up hadn't been a part of her day? Why not? Her sisters certainly saw her… as nothing. Even her circle of friends, with a few exceptions like Tara were her creations. Held around her like an escort, safely far away if she should choose to cast them loose….

But what did it say about her? What was she?

Who are you? The one who got all that was left over? The bitch? The queen bee who can never have friends, only flunkies?

Is that who you are? Bonnie moaned. She could be the queen bee, forge barrier after barrier of iron contempt against the world… Bonnie thought.

But what about now? What about when it wasn't enough…

She turned, put her back to the cold stone, pulled her legs under her, and looked up into the sky and back down to the flickering lights of the city below, the darker bulks of the mountains looming large. Beating Kim. Equaling her sisters. That was who she was…

Or are you just Bonnie? Nothing more, nothing less.

But what would her sisters, the world say? She'd seen what happened when she wasn't the queen bee.

No. You saw what happened because you were the queen bee. Because you would only win or lose, with no in between.

And If I'm only Bonnie…

Than I'm only what I choose to be, and not what others make of me. She shivered. What if she failed? What if she truly became nothing?

Than let it be your nothing. The universe could move her, she could pour out hate and bile until she was nothing.

But only if she let it have the power. Only if she allowed it to be the fulcrum around which she moved.

Only then could she try to help the Possible's, no matter what others thought.

At the cost of giving up what she'd been for so long. She saw it in her head, Kim at her feet, everyone cheering her, Bon-bon finally the favored child, with the sisters off in the dark corner, faces full of the same and resentment that so often they'd inflicted on her…victory.

And in the other corner. Just Bonnie.

Choose. Bonnie took a deep breath and moaned. It was so unfair! Why was this happening to her?

Because this is the choice that is set before you. You've known it for years, even if you refused to admit it. Choose. The voice was still hers, but there was a tone in it she'd never heard before, something that seemed to shake the very mountains.

She looked up into the nightlit sky, closed her eyes, feeling the hot tears crawling down her cheeks.

"I choose…"

Suddenly, the breeze stopped, the entire world seemed to go silent, as if it was holding its breath. When she opened her eyes, the stars no longer seemed to twinkle, but were there in diamond hard array. The very air seemed somehow sharper… the only movement in the world was a single owl, flying by, a glimpse of yellow eyes as its great wings drove it on some errand.

"To be me." Not Connie or Lonnie's flawed sibling, or Kim's shadow. Just Bonnie.

Whatever that may be, because after so long… I really don't know.

The wind started up again, the strange moment passed, as the stars twinkled again. Bonnie got up, went to the gate, and let herself out, straightening her shoulders. For good or ill, she had made her choice.

And now… she had to help Dr. Possible make another choice.

"Fine." She murmured to herself. It was time to see what she could do.

TBC