Dessert For Dinner
Kelly walked into his and Sylvie's apartment with a few grocery bags in his hands as he found Sylvie sat at the breakfast bar on a stool with a book open in front of her but even from where he was by the front door he could tell that she was not reading. He immediately wondered how angry she still was after their earlier fight that had made her walk away from him; their argument had been one of their most argued topics as it was about his inability to communicate with her, and although he knew she was right just like she was every time before when they had this fight he still got defensive about it. She didn't even turn to look at him as he let his keys fall down loudly on the table beside the door or when he walked into the kitchen and put the bags down on the bench in front of her.
Kelly went about unpacking the groceries and putting them away, glancing at Sylvie every few moments as he did as her expression was unreadable which was unusual. "I uhh I thought we could have dessert for dinner." He told her as he got to the bag that contained their dinner, or his idea of dinner. He had gotten all of her favourites in part to apologise for their argument and for his major downfall. "I've got the chocolate truffle ice cream, red velvet ice cream, vanilla ice cream, rocky road ice cream, hot fudge sauce, caramel sauce, strawberry sauce, sprinkles, mini marshmallows, white and milk chocolate chips, whipped cream, some cake pops, strawberries and some blueberries." He listed off everything as he pulled each item from the bag and placed each item on the bench in front of her. She looked up at him and he could see the disappointment that lingered clearly in her eyes before her eyes swept over all of the items he had placed down.
"Dessert for dinner doesn't change anything Kelly... It doesn't absolve you or resolve anything that we argued about this morning." Sylvie was hurt, that much was clear to him, and she couldn't keep having the same argument over and over without anything changing. All she wanted was for him to use his words; she knew how intelligent he was but he sure acted stupid and didn't use his brain nearly as often as he should have outside of the firehouse. She heard the soft sigh that escaped his lips as he turned away from her and grabbed two clean bowls and a spoon for them each as well as a spoon for each container of ice cream.
"I know it doesn't and I know you're right... I really am sorry... How about we eat and talk?" He wasn't trying to placate her as he spoke because he hated when they argued and hated that he had hurt her. She was an unwilling participant when it came to his inability to talk, to communicate what was going on inside of his head but sometimes it was hard to explain when he wasn't even sure of it all. He pulled a stool out and sat on it so that he was still facing her.
"Nothing changes even when you say that you are sorry each time we find ourselves having this argument." She told him as she reached for the chocolate truffle ice cream. She wasn't one to turn down ice cream. And maybe subconsciously it was her way of showing him that even though she was hurt that she wasn't going to walk away from him, not when he was trying the way he was and she knew he was trying but old habits always lingered and were easy to fall back into. She peeled the lid off and easily scooped some of the softened ice cream into the bowl in front of her then added a small swirl of whipped cream and a handful of milk chocolate chips before she looked over to Kelly who was assembling his own sundae.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you what's going on inside my head, it's just sometimes I can't because I don't even really understand it, I don't understand what I'm thinking or feeling or why I react how I do... I'm pretty good at the whole acting before thinking thing, not that you haven't noticed... And then there are other times when the burden is too big to bare or share, and I don't want to worry you..." It wasn't an admission that surprised Sylvie but hearing him voice it did surprise her. The self reflection was not something that Kelly did very often, in fact it was a rarity.
Sylvie leaned forward and reached across the bench once she let her spoon drop against the side of the bowl and then took Kelly's hands in her own, running her thumbs over his knuckles on both hands. "I need you to let me in instead of shutting me out, instead of closing yourself off from me, especially during those times when you don't know how to make sense of whatever it is that is rattling round in that head of yours... You and me, we are in this together - the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, and everything else - and we will work through whatever it is together. You know talking to me might actually help you figure it all out... All I want is for you to let me in Kelly, let me share the burden... I feel what you feel Kelly. I feel it when you're hurt or happy or anything else that you feel, I feel it too whether you tell me or not." She tore her eyes away from his and turned her head to the side so that he couldn't see the tears that were causing her eyes to well as her voice shook as she finished speaking. It hurt her to know that he felt he couldn't share with her what he felt even when he was trying to figure it all out, and it hurt to know that he even when he was hurting he still felt the need to protect her from every bit of it. She hated the distance that grew between them every time he retreated to his own world, and hated how long it would take for that distance to dispel. A few tears fell silently and made their way down her cheeks leaving a watery trail before they dropped off her chin and down onto the bench below her.
Kelly quickly moved from his stool around the bench to her. He hated that she was crying as the realisation of his behaviour set in, and he hated that she felt she had to hide her tears from him. He turned the stool and her body towards him before he cupped her cheeks in his hands making her look up at him as he ran his thumbs under her eyes collecting the tears that were flowing freely now. He wanted to tell her he was sorry, he wanted to tell her that he would do better but he suddenly felt as though he couldn't talk as he felt his own eyes well with tears as his emotions spiked. He felt as her hands landed on the side of his neck with that delicate grace of hers that always amazed him. Her gorgeous light blue eyes shone in the low lighting of the kitchen and they looked like fine glass that could break with the slightest tap. He tried to take a few deep breaths before he found himself leaning in and pressing his face into her neck as his chest heaved as her hands moved from his neck as one hand went to rub his back while the other found its way up into his hair as her fingers grazed his scalp lightly in an effort to comfort him.
Sylvie felt as though her heart was breaking at Kelly's sobs that racked his strong body as his hot tears landed on her bare exposed skin while her own fell down her face. She wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him closer into her body. It felt as though the steel clad walls that Kelly surrounded himself with had crumbled violently in a matter of seconds, and all that he had buried away was coming out, was being revealed in the rawest manner even without words. "I love you, every single part of you, every single thing about you Kelly. I'm in love with you, I love you." She whispered softly through her own tears for him.
"I need you to breathe baby for me otherwise you're going to make yourself sick. Just take a breath for me baby." He was almost hyperventilating as she spoke a few minutes later knowing that he needed to get some air into his lungs but not wanting him to stop letting out all of his pent up emotions. "Just take a breath baby, nice and slow... that's it." She coaxed him slowly feeling as he took a shuddering breath. "Good baby, good." She murmured softly as he exhaled and inhaled slowly although he made no effort to move away from her and quite frankly she was glad.
She felt as Kelly spoke and heard a jumble of words but couldn't understand him given his face was pressed firmly into her neck after a few minutes spent calming himself down as his breathing had finally returned to normal with only a few small shudders occasionally. "What was that baby?" She asked making him lift his head up, removing his face from her neck just enough to see his red rimmed puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.
"The ice creams melted." His words made her glance over to her bowl which was now full of melted ice cream but she couldn't care less about it as her focus was on him. It seemed like such a mundane thing to say and be thinking about.
"It doesn't matter. It'll refreeze." She told him knowing that the tubs of ice cream could be put in the freezer and would be fine. He pulled back and straightened up then bought his hands up to his face and rubbed his hands roughly over as he wiped away his tears.
"I'm sorry... I just wanted to treat you with your favourites... I'm sorry... I love you, I really do… I don't mean to hurt you, I never want to harm you in any way... And I promise that I will do better, that I'll try my hardest not to shut down, not to shut you out. I love you, I love you so much." He sounded so broken but she knew he meant each and every word that he spoke.
She slipped her hands into his once more and squeezed them tightly; although she was grateful for the breakthrough she knew there was more to uncover. "It's okay, it's all going to be okay... Why don't you go lay down on the couch while I put everything away then I'll join you." She knew that for now the emotional toll of his breakdown was enough and that they both needed to rest before continuing their conversation, and to be honest she wanted to snuggle with him as she needed him near just as much as he needed her but they were on their way to resolving it. He gave her a soft tired nod of acknowledgement before he moved away from her and towards the couch. She stood up and moved round, putting the tubs of ice cream in the freezer then put the rest of the ingredients in the fridge and pantry, and let the dishes sit in the sink.
Sylvie crossed the room and Kelly reached out for her as she climbed onto the couch with him tucking herself down between the back of the couch and his body. He turned on his side so that they were facing each other. She leaned her head forward and kissed him softly silently telling him that it would all be alright and that she loved him. He kissed her back just as softly hoping to convey everything he hadn't been able to say to her. They two settled in the silence of the apartment both with the knowledge that there was more to say and more to work on for both of them but for now just being together after their argument was enough.