Chapter 14

I think most of you expect this to be fun. And that's how I planned it, I swear. But somehow it took a turn and got angsty and emotional. You're warned...

"Hello, Doctor," Romana said, mischief in her eyes.

"What?"

"How are you?"

"What?"

"Was he always like that?" Romana asked Rose in a stage whisper.

"Pretty much, yeah." A huge grin on Rose's face betrayed her feelings.

"What?"

When he was in a state like this there was only one, well two, things that would help. As kissing him was out of the question, Rose slapped him.

"Ouch." He rubbed his cheek. "What was that for?"

"For being impolite," Rose said.

"When have I ever been impolite?"

"Trust me, there's a long list."

Eventually John recovered enough to give way for them and they entered his flat. It was smaller than she had expected, given that he had lived here with Sophia. The interior was unexpected as well. It fit him perfectly although she really couldn't see Sophia in it. Every room contained carefully selected antique furniture and his collection of books would have made the British National Library proud.

Somehow sensing her thoughts he answered to her unspoken question. "She's never been here. I never told her anything about my past, only the cover story you and Pete made up for me. I couldn't let her in, she wouldn't have understood."

He was right. She'd never been out there, seeing her planet burn. Although Rose had known it was still there, in her own time, she had caught a glimpse of the pain that had been his constant companion since the Time War.

"I'm sorry," Rose said. And she really was. He deserved someone to love him, to fully be with him. Although she couldn't be that person. She'd never told him how much exactly she had changed but today it was time.

He forced a smile back to his face and knelt down in front of Mala.

"And who are you, dear?"

"I'm Mala and Rose is my friend. She's going to find us a planet."

He looked up to Rose and smiled, "You're unbelievable, Rose Tyler. Making friends with a Foamasi child. Wait, did she say you're going to find them a planet?"

"Yeah, well, it's part of why we are here."

~o~o~o~

"Really, Doctor, this is going to be a very long story," Romana said, when neither John nor Rose seemed to be able to get to the point. "What about a cup of tea?"

The group settled down in John's kitchen and the two women told him what had happened in the last few hours.

"And that's exactly why we need you there," Romana eventually concluded the tale.

"I don't run around and save the universe any more! I'm a physics professor, for god's sake!"

"No, you're not and you know it. You're a Time Lord, Doctor. It's time you remembered that."

"I've never been a Time Lord, Romana!" he yelled and glared accusingly at Rose. "I thought you told her."

"I told her nearly everything," Rose replied calmly. "Apart from the fact that you don't seem to understand that you might be human but that aside from that you're still you." She turned to Romana. "I'm sorry, I've had this discussion so many times and I really can't bear a repetition now. I'm going for a walk with Mala. Maybe you can get some sense into him. Believe me, I've tried." She sighed, got up and reached with her hand for the Foamasi girl. "Do you fancy a walk to the playground, dear?" The girl nodded, grasped her out-stretched hand and followed her out of the flat.

As soon as Rose had left the flat Romana shifted to Gallifreyan. "You're an idiot, Doctor."

"John. My name is John," he replied, still in English. "So how come you met Rose? She's fantastic, you know." The favourite phrase of his former self was actually the best way to describe her.

"Yes, I know. I landed my TARDIS and there she was. She solved the situation all by herself. Found out what had happened, came up with a brilliant solution."

"My Rose."

"You love her." It wasn't a question.

"Yes, I do. Almost since the day I met her. She saved me in more ways I care to remember." Eventually he shifted to Gallifreyan as well. "Look how deep I've fallen." A sarcastic smile played around his lips. "The Supreme Council wouldn't be the least bit amused. Although..." He trailed off.

"Doctor, look at me." He flinched at the name but followed her request. She could see the torment in his eyes. "She told me. And she was right. You did what you have to do. I would have done the same."

"Really?" He sounded like a lost child, his eyes seeking forgiveness from hers.

"Yes, Doctor. I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"You really wouldn't want to be there," he replied, lost in memories. "The cities in flames, the citadel destroyed, the forests burnt to ashes. More people dying with every echelon as our defences broke slowly down." His voice became almost ice cold, bare of emotions. "And then I destroyed everyone and everything that was left."

Romana shivered involuntarily. "How long in your personal time line?"

"I don't know exactly. I lost track after the first few years. It must have been nearly four decades." He still sounded as if he was talking about someone else's life.

"And how long after that until you met Rose?"

"I don't know. I regenerated. And before you ask, into my ninth incarnation." His voice was almost cruel. "I didn't want to but I did. Afterwards I floated in the Vortex for some time." He shrugged and continued in a more gentle tone, "I guess I would still be there if the TARDIS hadn't decided to materialize on Earth and kick me out in front of Henrik's."

Romana chuckled at the thought. He glared at her but eventually joined in.

"That's where you met her?"

"Yep. One of the best days of my life."

"Then tell me, Doctor, why do you hurt her?"

"I don't know. I don't mean to. But you know, I've got all his... my... his memories. Blimey," he interrupted himself. Switching back to English he continued, "I hate conversations like this. All the personal pronouns get mixed up. It's worse than crossing your own time line. Anyway, I'm not him. I'm not a Time Lord. I'm just a human. And I can see her looks. She looks at me and sees that she's chosen the second best. She really should have stayed with him."

"That wouldn't have worked either," Rose's voice said from behind his back. John and Romana turned around to face her. Neither of them had heard her coming back. "Don't worry; I left Mala in your living room. And you're right, I somehow got the feeling that I settled for second best with you. But that wasn't your fault, John. The stupid Time Lord you took my choice away from me when he refused to answer my question. And what is even worse, he did it without knowing all the facts."

Rose didn't sound angry, just tired. She continued, "Part of it was my fault, because I changed when you regenerated. It was hard to adjust, especially 'cos I knew you only regenerated because of me."

He stared at her in astonishment. "How did you find that out? I never told you."

"I remembered that part. I think the TARDIS wanted me to know. Anyway, afterwards I somehow stopped being my own person and making my own decisions. The only things that didn't change were my feelings for you. I loved you in both incarnations although I never told the first you. When I came here for the first time I had to change again, be my own person again, and I really didn't want to lose myself a second time. And you seemed to expect me to be the same person I was when we travelled together. I just couldn't stand that. I didn't want to pretend, I didn't want to live a lie. And that's exactly what it would have been."

"But why didn't you tell me?"

She sighed. "I've tried. You're really terrible when it comes to actually listening to somebody. Both of you, actually. Which brings me to the part that was his fault, John, his, not yours. He took your choice away as well as he took mine. In the first five years, before the events on the Crucible, I discovered that I don't age." He looked shocked and started to say something but Rose knew from experience that this would be the end of her explanations. So she continued quickly, "Well, I do, but very slowly, just like Jack. I didn't tell anyone, not even my family. That's the main reason why I quit Torchwood. They would have found out eventually and being a lab rat isn't exactly what I expected from life." She had sarcasm in her voice and a far-off look in her eyes. John could easily picture her standing on an alien planet, staring with wonder at a world no human had ever seen before. "I tried to tell him but he didn't listen. I already knew I couldn't give you forever. He doomed me to see my whole family die. To see you die. And the only ones who wouldn't die on me were in the other universe, ironically. I was so mad at him and sometimes even at you." She laughed bitterly. Then her voice was as gentle as ever. "I'm so sorry. You told me you loved me and I knew you meant it and I let myself hope. Although deep inside I already knew it wouldn't work. You know why."

Yes, he did. She'd anticipated his reactions. As soon as he would have found out he would have left her to spare her the pain of seeing him die. She wouldn't have minded to stay, he knew that. Unlike him she wasn't a coward. But he would have done what he always did. He would have shut her out. And she had finally decided that she couldn't bear that any more.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be." Then more fiercely, "And don't you dare thinking the not-aging thing is your fault. It was my choice and it was worth it." She shook her head, tears in her eyes. "I really made a mess out of this, didn't I?"

"Well," he said. "I think there were more of us involved, actually." He smiled at her while she wiped her eyes.

"Let me guess," Romana had eventually recovered from the emotional chaos between John and Rose. "He left you two here about fifteen years ago?"

"Yeah. Why?" John wanted to know while realization dawned in Rose's eyes.

Realistic scenario? I really hope it makes sense after the mess I made of John's and Rose's, well, not-relationship. Let me know what you think. And I promise the next chapter will be more fun. Although it refused to be written for some time..