Chapter 14

"You shared a bedroom!" Beryl squealed.

"Beryl, keep your voice down! My goodness, Mr Carson is already having a fit, now that he knows you know!" Elsie replied.

"Well he'll have an even bigger fit when he finds out who else knows!" Beryl said with a giggle. However, when she observed Elsie's expression turn to complete distress she immediately regretted her tone.

"Who else knows?" Elsie said, dreading the answer.

Beryl took Elsie's hand and sat down with her on the settee. Elsie had already closed the door to her sitting room so that no-one else could hear this conversation. Beryl started to speak,

"Now, just calm down Elsie. It will be alright I promise," Beryl tried to reassure her friend.

"Who?" Elsie asked again.

"Thomas," Beryl stated.

"Oh my god!" Elsie screamed.

"He took the phone call," Beryl explained.

"Who else has he told?" Elsie asked, fearing the worst.

"No-one. At least, I am as confident as I can be that he has told no-one at all," Beryl replied.

"But we are talking about Thomas here. Thomas! He will never keep this to himself? He told you!" Elsie exclaimed.

"Yes he did … but thankfully I was the first person he happened to see after the phone call. As expected, he could not wait to tell me the gossip. However, I carefully reminded him of the many occasions when you have supported him, as well as reminding him that you would be very hurt and embarrassed if anyone else should find out about this. He seemed to take this on-board, I know he has a soft spot for you," Beryl smiled.

"So I am relying on Thomas' good nature to keep this information secret," Elsie said with complete uncertainty, thinking to herself that this was not the most reassuring plan.

"Not just that … I also have knowledge of a long-list of misdemeanours that Thomas has been involved in since joining Downton. I could write a book! And so I made it very clear if he should say one word about this to another living soul I would be straight to his Lordship to enlighten him about Thomas' actions, and assured him that he'd be booted out of that door in seconds!" Beryl answered with a big smile.

"Oh Beryl", even Elsie smiled now. She was very grateful to her friend.

"He'll not say a word", Beryl winked at Elsie.

"Thank you", Elsie responded.

"You are welcome. Now, never mind Thomas; tell me everything!" Beryl said excitedly.

######

After half an hour, Elsie had explained the entire trip to Beryl. Beryl had gasped, smiled and laughed as she heard about their lovely day in Ripon, followed by the nightmare train journey and then the events in the inn!

"So nothing actually happened between you two?" Beryl wanted to be certain she had understood correctly.

"No, of course it didn't! Mr Carson is a respectable man. He is not interested in anything more than friendship. Nothing happened at all", Elsie stated.

"Well he was interested in more than friendship when he was running his hands all over you and calling you his beautiful Elsie!" Beryl replied.

"Beryl! He was asleep. He didn't know what he was doing. Neither did I."

"If you say so," Beryl said with obvious amusement in her voice. Elsie rolled her eyes and shook her head. Beryl then watched as a wistful expression came over Elsie's face.

"It felt nice though?" Beryl asked her friend softly.

Elsie hesitated. She would not admit this to anyone else but she trusted Beryl completely, "It felt so nice Beryl. Even if I was only aware it was happening for a brief moment, for those few seconds in Charles' arms, I felt so happy, so safe. I would do anything to have that feeling every day, to be with Charles and wake up in his arms every day," Elsie's voice started to break at that point.

"Then why do you not tell him Elsie, tell him how much you love him. You cannot continue like this. You are in love with the man. There is no shame in that and you are perfectly suited. You could be so happy together. Whatever you say about him wanting just friendship, I do not believe it. He cares for you deeply, I just know it. Tell him Elsie", Beryl pleaded.

"I can't Beryl. You know I can't. It would ruin everything. Even if he did love me, he would never act on his feelings whilst he is Butler of Downton. It goes against everything he believes about service and loyalty to this house, loyalty to this family. He will always put the family first. He will never put me first." Tears started to fall from Elsie's eyes. She had done it again, built her hopes up, wishing for something more, only to remind herself yet again that she could not have this. She could not have Charles. Her tears continued and she started to sob even harder. Beryl took Elsie in her arms,

"There, there Elsie. Let it out. Oh Elsie I am sorry. I should never have brought this up again. I know how it upsets you. I just want you to be happy," Beryl continued to hold Elsie. At that point he came crashing through the door,

"Mrs Hughes, there are no dessert spoons set out for dinner!" Mr Carson bellowed, then stopped abruptly when he realised Elsie was crying,

"Oh Mrs Hughes I am so very sorry ... I do apologise ... I didn't realise ... I am sorry," Charles stuttered. Why was Elsie upset? She was in floods of tears. What should he do?

"Are you alright Mrs Hughes? Can I do anything to help?" Charles asked gently.

By this point Elsie had stood up, and was frantically wiping her eyes with a handkerchief. The last thing she wanted was for Charles to see her in this state. Beryl stared at Elsie and took a big gulp, she wasn't sure how to help this situation but she knew Elsie would be horrified that Charles had seen her upset. Elsie spoke first,

"I am fine Mr Carson. Please forgive me. I was a little emotional but I am quite fine now. I will make sure the dessert spoons are taken to the dining room immediately," Elsie said, forcing a smile but her eyes were still red and teary and she looked so sad.

Charles felt awful that he had made such a fuss over something so unimportant, particularly when she was clearly very upset, "Mrs Hughes please do not give that a second thought. It is not important at all. Has someone upset you?" he asked.

Elsie smiled again. 'Yes' she thought. You have upset me but you didn't intend to. You don't even know that you have upset me. You just don't care for me enough, you don't care enough to put me first, to put us first. Elsie's eyes started to well up again. She knew if she spoke she would start to cry once more. She looked to Beryl for help. Beryl took this cue and stood to speak to Charles,

"Mr Carson, Mrs Hughes is perfectly well. No-one has upset her. We were just both feeling a little sentimental. We women often have a good sob together! Nothing to worry about at all, now if you would leave us in peace, Mrs Hughes will be right as rain in no time," and with that, Beryl escorted him gently through the door and closed it behind him.

Mr Carson stood outside Mrs Hughes sitting room. He felt a pain in his heart. It was unbearable to see the woman that he loved so distraught. He had never seen Elsie cry, she was such a strong woman. Why was she crying? Mrs Patmore's explanation had made no sense. He would leave her now but he must speak to her later. He could not leave things like this, he needed to find out what was wrong.

Elsie collapsed into her chair, head in her hands, anxious and embarrassed by what had just happened. She knew she would have to speak to Charles, he would not have been fooled by the vague explanation he had just received. She was not an overly emotional woman and to her knowledge, he had never seen her cry. But what would she tell him? The truth? Maybe she should tell him the truth? Beryl was right, something had to change, she could not continue in this way, pretending everything was fine, that she was happy with being just friends ... because she wasn't happy and it was not fine and it simply hurt too much. Maybe it was time ... ...